Compulsive liar?

[Littlelilia]

Hi all,

I am a mum of 2 small children, been in a relationship for 10 years. Have postponed wedding several times due to covid. Wedding on the backburner now as we are having big issues. Any words of wisdom would be greatfully received dont really have any of my own family to vent with. Sorry this might be long.

So over the last 2 years I noticed OH was doing alot of lying about trivial stuff. He cannot be wrong so will argue blacks blue and has always been like this. Some of the lying stems from that im sure. I pulled him on afew ridiculous lies i caught instantly like saying the dog had messed in the house when she hadnt, saying id left switches on when i hadnt and this calmed down.

However, I have since found the he has continued to low level lie to me about lots of things. And even worse has lied about me to his parents/siblings etc. Things like telling them if we have had mild falling out that i made him sleep in the garden. Or that he had been up all night with the children while failing to mention that i was working nightshift. Basically painting himself in this better light and me very poorly. This has gone on for some time and they have a real negative view on me which has been encouraged by him.

Things came to a head earlier this year we seperated for afew months over this. We agreed to try again after lots of talks him blaming his mental health, so i supported him to see GP he was started on anti depressants and he also told his family he has a problem with lying and tried to set them straight on afew things. They are really supportive of him and dont like to see him upset or uncomfortable so downplayed it somewhat and didnt really want to hear any specifics just saying as long as he is "getting help" thats the main thing.

The thing is they havnt acknowledged me really since this - no efforts to be in contact or even accept that this has been a difficult situation. I know they would be polite to my face but cant shake off this feeling that they still think ive caused all of his problems.

Very recently I have noticed that he has stopped taking his medication but is implying that he is still on them. And i know of a recent lie where he told his mum that hes been paying the mortgage and bills in the house and i just get any extras which is massively false. He did this as he was asking to borrow some money from her and i think he was embarrassed so told her this story.

So im now at a point where i thought i could forgive and move forward but just feel so lost. The thought of spending time with his family makes me feel sick with nerves and i cant even fully blame them as he caused all of this himself. Some of the things said about me have been vile and im not sure why this happens or whats next.

Do people live with compulsive liars? Is this what this is?

Im starting to feel very suffocated by it and second guessing whats been said then doubting myself and him. I know this is toxic but is there any way forward?

I'd worry he's gaslighting you by all these low level lies and isolating you from other people by lying about you. That's seriously unhealthy behaviour. I'd also question why he's medicated but isn't receiving counselling to do the work around why he's lying in the first instance and learn better coping strategies if it is genuinely his mental health. I certainly wouldn't be booking anything further wedding related if I'm honest as you want to get married because things are good and you're in a strong place as a couple. I'd worry about the impact on your children if he lies about them to you or vice versa he could really affect your relationship as they get older. If I'm honest for me- I would feel betrayed if he stopped taking the meds which are meant to help and then lied about it. You need to put yourself and your kids first here and he needs to sort out his own issues like the grown man he is. And unfortunately it doesn't sound like he's really stepping up to the plate the way he needs to here.

Fuck that shit. He doesn't respect you enough as a person to be honest to you, for you, or about you. He's playing you off against his family. He's shit stirring to ensure you're cut off from support.
That would give me the rage. I couldn't stay with someone doing that constantly.

The way forward is out the fucking door and as far away from that wanker as possible.

Send him back to his family. The time will surely come when the subject if his lies is them. Then they'll know what he truly is.

What you already know.
He isn't mentally ill. He is a nasty, lying piece of shit. Stop wasting any more of your precious life with this 'man'. He hates you and he means you harm.

I've had mental health problems but I don't lie about people. I have been riddled with anxiety and depression without lying to people. Does he ever get angry? Does he have friends? In reality he has a problem that needs professional help. Time and understanding won't make a bit of difference with this sort of issue. His family's response is indicative of a family dynamic that do not like to face reality head on. It's massively unfair that his family have this impression of you but yes, it's all down to the personality of your partner. It's horses for courses that this is how things are with someone who has a poor relationship with reality.

What a horrible man. I would leave him and write a letter to his family, telling them the truth. He didn't suddenly become a liar when he met you. They know what he's like.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like this.

I did date someone for a while who always painted me in a negative way, to his family (to this day I dont know why) and needless to say they very much disliked me

It was such a relief when the relationship was over and all the toxicity went away

Wow have you been saddled with my ex op? Get the hell out of this relationship today....

This. Please don’t even think of marrying him. Read your post back, imagine it was written by someone else, and allow yourself to understand how dreadful he is.

You are supposed to be his main queen. He should shout your praises and defend you.

He isn't doing this at all. Quite the opposite.

I would at least go for another separation. Why do you want to try and stay bonded to him and all his family.

You have tried you really have. It's not worked.

Sometimes you just have to say, calmly and gently, enough now.

He doesnt have any real long term friends. I often get this thrown in my face as i do have a friendship circle and he blames alot of his poor mental health on the fact he has no-one. He has had short term friends but it often fizzles out. I suspect he lies to them aswell which may be a factor.
Yes he has angry moments often
Hes never violent but he is verbal. Kind of if hes had a bad day the whole house feels it type of thing

You will never be able to trust him. He’s an underhanded coward of a man.

His parents not wanting to know the details of their shit of a son says a lot. I.e. they probably never gave him consequences for lying/bad behaviour in childhood.

It’s not MH; it’s his horrible character that’s his problem and the only side he’s on is his own and not yours.

He has lied about the children to me which is a massive push as to why im now doubting my decision to try again.
Some small things like yep i checked toddlers bag for nursery for me to then do drop off and find things missing. To big issues like he told me once my little one had got lost with us holiday and he found her wandered into a pub doorway as "no-one was watching" so she was crying but the reality was he had told her off for something small she burst into tears but rather than just admit he was abit OTT he made up this story.

You could look up info on covert passive aggressive narcissist. Needing to be right all the time and lying to manipulate are common things.

To change he would need to be sincerely remorseful and genuinely own up to all of his lying and the impact his behaviour had had on you, and he wouldn't still be lying! Clearly his family enable him and their behaviour has encouraged his lying.

Sadly manipulative behaviors are often successful in getting the manipulator what they want, and so the behaviors are encouraged. At this point he probably doesn't even know how to live without manipulating and deceiving.

It's is a huge betrayal, and it takes a lot of courage and grieving to fully accept you've been deceived and lied to by the one person who is meant to care for your the most, but you need to face the fact that you cannot trust this person and you need to protect yourself and your children. In my opinion the best thing you can do with someone like this is have as little contact with them as possible. There is a better life waiting for you. It may take time to get there by you can do it one step at a time.

He lies. He doesn't respect you. He paints you in a bad light to other people.

You gave him another chance and he's shown you once again that he isn't a good partner..

I would leave him without a doubt. Apart from showing you he doesn't respect you, apart from turning his family against you, you'll never be able to trust him on small or big issues. For me, trust is the absolute core of a relationship.

He doesnt have any real long term friends. I often get this thrown in my face as i do have a friendship circle and he blames alot of his poor mental health on the fact he has no-one.
Riiiight ...

So he lied to his old friends until they got pissed off & ditched him.
Now he lies to new friends so they ditch him too.

But ... somehow this is meant to be YOUR fault?

He has lied about the children to me which is a massive push as to why im now doubting my decision to try again.
What is the point of him? Why are you trying again - he hasn't changed, & takes no responsibility for himself.

What is your living & work situation - ie how hard/easy is it for you to go it alone?

Its tricky my babies are both still preschool age. I work practically full time alot of nights and just slog through the next day on a couple of hours sleep. Weekends are better as i at do get to sleep as hes deals with the children.

Its the only way i can work really. I cant imagine him happily having the kids 4 nights a week plus the following day so i can rest if we split. So chances are id have to give up work. Got alot of debt im trying to sort through so things are tight as it is.

BUT that being said whats the alternative? This is going to make me ill with stress. The uncertainty is awful. Thank you for replies totally agree with all of them x

It sounds as though he may have a personality disorder. It’s not fair that he has lied about you. Could you go to the gp with him to discuss his mental health? He needs to put you first but seems to have huge issues trying to prove himself to his family etc? I wonder if he needs therapy?

@Littlelilia
he is a massive liability OP and you will have a happier and healthier life without the anxiety and stress he is causing. It really is not worth it set yourself free 💐

Please don't marry this man, you'll spend the rest of your life doubting every single thing he says

I have mentioned personality disorder to him tbh. He was offered wellbeing sessions online when he spoke to his GP and put on anti depressants but the sessions were very general. He needs specific therapy for the lying but it doesmt seem to be available on nhs right now

The thing is though op he is lying because he likes lying. Not oy to get out of situations but to paint you in a bad light because he has contempt towards you. There's no therapy in the world that can fix that. Same thing goes for whichever strain of cluster b personality disorder he has.

Narcissists and psychopaths are what they are. Hateful spiteful bullies who mean harm for anyone whois capable of compassion, kindness and true self love.

He doesn't need therapy. He is exactly who he is meant to be. He just isn't like you. He is a snake and you, are a lamb.

You might benefit from therapy to help you unpick why you have stayed with this person who clearly,.means you harm, for so long. It may in part be codependency. You can change. Worh or without help.

He cannot.
He likes being shit to you.

He doesn't deserve you. It's not just the lying it's the bad mouthing you to his family. You are not a team, you cannot trust him and he's never going to change.
It takes time to come to a decision to leave. Yorur job situation will get sorted, this isn't a reason to stay. Really think about what sort of relationship you can have with someone you cannot trust

@PeekabooAtTheZoo exactly what you said

This.

Do not under any circumstances marry this fxxking lunatic.

You poor woman.

You need to talk to Women's aid and access support.

Your relationship is OVER.

Do yourself a favour and admit that.

What you need to do is manage this situation until you can ditch this lying piece of shit.

Be so glad you never married him.

Friends and family?
Who can support you.

Finances?
Housing?
How are these?

Don't waste ANY energy trying to fix hin.

Save ALL your energy for yourself.

Please reach out for support and protect yourself.

If you were my daughter I would want you away from him asap.

Start actively detaching from him.
Keep a note of his lies.

And start planning YOUR future.

Don’t be me….worked nights for years, while my H worked away, had one affair that I know about but felt I couldn’t cope on my own working nights with 3 kids. I’m still with him now my kids are all grown up and no longer live at home. I stay now because I’m unwell, can’t work and stuck. He’s still the same selfish prick he has always been, only thinks of himself, and the sad thing is my 3 children know this too. They know that they have always come a poor second to anything their dad has ever done, wanted or thought about, my daughter asks why I stay, I don’t know why, but I wish we had split years ago tbh, as I said DONT BE ME!