Compulsive liar?

[Littlelilia]

Hi all,

I am a mum of 2 small children, been in a relationship for 10 years. Have postponed wedding several times due to covid. Wedding on the backburner now as we are having big issues. Any words of wisdom would be greatfully received dont really have any of my own family to vent with. Sorry this might be long.

So over the last 2 years I noticed OH was doing alot of lying about trivial stuff. He cannot be wrong so will argue blacks blue and has always been like this. Some of the lying stems from that im sure. I pulled him on afew ridiculous lies i caught instantly like saying the dog had messed in the house when she hadnt, saying id left switches on when i hadnt and this calmed down.

However, I have since found the he has continued to low level lie to me about lots of things. And even worse has lied about me to his parents/siblings etc. Things like telling them if we have had mild falling out that i made him sleep in the garden. Or that he had been up all night with the children while failing to mention that i was working nightshift. Basically painting himself in this better light and me very poorly. This has gone on for some time and they have a real negative view on me which has been encouraged by him.

Things came to a head earlier this year we seperated for afew months over this. We agreed to try again after lots of talks him blaming his mental health, so i supported him to see GP he was started on anti depressants and he also told his family he has a problem with lying and tried to set them straight on afew things. They are really supportive of him and dont like to see him upset or uncomfortable so downplayed it somewhat and didnt really want to hear any specifics just saying as long as he is "getting help" thats the main thing.

The thing is they havnt acknowledged me really since this - no efforts to be in contact or even accept that this has been a difficult situation. I know they would be polite to my face but cant shake off this feeling that they still think ive caused all of his problems.

Very recently I have noticed that he has stopped taking his medication but is implying that he is still on them. And i know of a recent lie where he told his mum that hes been paying the mortgage and bills in the house and i just get any extras which is massively false. He did this as he was asking to borrow some money from her and i think he was embarrassed so told her this story.

So im now at a point where i thought i could forgive and move forward but just feel so lost. The thought of spending time with his family makes me feel sick with nerves and i cant even fully blame them as he caused all of this himself. Some of the things said about me have been vile and im not sure why this happens or whats next.

Do people live with compulsive liars? Is this what this is?

Im starting to feel very suffocated by it and second guessing whats been said then doubting myself and him. I know this is toxic but is there any way forward?

I dont have much in the way of family parents both passed away young. When i met OH it was lovely to have "family" but i realise now i probably never really was a part of it. I gather they just tolerate me based on what OH has told them.

A few people said earlier that his family dynamic is to ignore issues etc and this is spot on. They dont like conflict and alot is brushed under the carpet.

All these years he has told white lies to his family in front of me for example when we has to downsize from two cars to one due to finances being tight. Instead of just owning it and saying yep cant afford it right now it was "ooh we are getting a bigger car instead". I questionned him on this and he said he doesnt like to stress his family out as they worry. Now im realising its not that at all! He just doesnt want any negative opinions towards him but he will happily throw me under a bus!

Finances arent great but im working on them started a debt plan recently. If i was to go it alone i think id struggle even more but maybe could get advice on that. Just got into a mess with childcare having 2 little ones so close together so built up some debts over the last few years that has spiralled.

House is mortgaged. I think im lucky here in the sense that it was my parents house initially and we had a legal agreement set up that i get a bigger chunk of any equity should we split due to this. There would be some equity not loads. However id rather not sell im not sure id ever buy again with my debts being as they are and have this fear of leaving my children with nothing especially as it was my parents house. Theyd be mortified if i lost it all. Plus i grew up here so am very attached. Maybe i need to change my mindset on this.

Please get some advice-finances seem to trap women into shitty relationships and it really shouldn't. You might have another 50 years with him...imagine that!

My exH lied about me and to me the 11 years-and the subsequent 12 years since I kicked him out . I recently went to a family event with his family (he didn't attend!) and not one of his own family had anything good to say about him because they've finally realised that he was lying and actually I'm a great mum and a nice person and he was lying all along!

Please leave him, for you and for your children

Please contact Women's aid to seek support for yourself and your children, financial and otherwise.

You need to be very strong and tough.

You owe him nothing and need to keep your home if you can.

You deserve better than him.

Hello all. I needed to take some time just to focus on the christmas craziness so went quiet for a little while.

I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses. Its really given me some clarity, unfortunately I am still here but I have contacted womans aid and am gathering up any evidence I can just in case I need it.

This last 2 years his toxic behaviours have definately jumped up a level. Its taken me a long time but I am starting to see that it is abusive. Its been hard as on paper he is a good partner he does alot of practical things around the home and with the children cooks, cleans, baths kids, puts them to bed. Most of the time he bends over backwards to do things for me or to make me happy. So its been really hard to understand how he can could be so kind to my face but then be saying such hurtful things in private.

He recently opened up and said that he thinks he enjoyed some of the sympathy and attention he got telling people these stories. I do think he is abit resentful aswell as i do work difficult shifts so he has to be more hands on around the house that some men. I know he is exhausted but so am I with very young children, thats a fact of life. But i thought we were a team struggling through it together. However, it seems for him its never WE are really struggling with kids/house/finances, its I am really struggling and that the version he likes to tell himself and others obviously.

He is definately deluded and his reactions to things arent normal. For example, last week he missed a payment for something, we sorted it to be paid the following day but all morning he was stressing over it that he would end up with debt collectors at door and said "its alright for you no bills come out your account". When in fact its the opposite every single household bill comes from my account (he contributes into my account monthly) but its like he says these things and genuinely thinks them. I corrected him on this occasion and told him to take a minute to think about how he sounds and he backtracked and said he didnt mean it like that. But i can see how he just goes off on tangents telling fantasy stories and enjoys the sympathy or attention it gets him when hes in the moment.

Afew weeks ago he put a pyjama top on our toddler by accident before we went to soft play. I only saw it when I took his coat off so i mentioned it in what i thought was a jokey way. He sulked the whole time we were there and then told me that all i do is chip away at him. This riled me massively as considering the last year weve had i think its fair to say it me who's character and sense of self has been chipped away at.

Im sure he has some sort of personality disorder. He has to be right about everything, he will argue black is white until proven multiple times otherwise and then sulk about it. Ive stopped calling him out on every single thing as they are so frequent but I am tired.

So anyway to anyone still reading my ramblings thank you very much. I know i need to detach and make plans to seperate. Regardless of any of excuses or reasons he is not seeking help to change his behaviours and the lies are still there they just look different now

You definitely need to get your ducks in a row. Can you find work that is more compatible with usual childcare facilities? That would make it much easier for you.

Yes this is something I am actively working towards in the meantime. A day job would definately make things more managable and would stop my need for childcare from him specifically.

Last time i attempted to separate he never actually left the house, various reasons like he needed time to save up a deposit for elsewhere, and then take it slowly to help soften the blow for the children (one of them is on the list to be assessed for adhd currently) I agreed to this as was trying to make things comfortable for everyone but even that ended up getting thrown in my face as he told everyone it was me stalling him moving out and that i was enjoying him running around after the children and trying to have the best of both worlds🙄

So this time im sure it needs to be a rip the plaster off situation and for him to move out quickly. But his car has just been written off so he is currently car less so i am already anticipating this as another reason he wont be able to leave. Im not sure there is much I can do as both our names are on the mortgage? If he refuses to leave? Does anyone have any knowledge on this?

I really wish you the best.

He is unhinged and completely untrustworthy.

Keep a not of all lies somewhere safe.
Continue to detach.

Please tell those you love the truth.

You deserve better than this.