No empathy and no communication

[Kittycatkitty]

Has anyone got a DP/Dh who has zero empathy at all? Who just looks through you when you talk about serious stuff? It's driving me mental.

An example : last night I told DP about a friend's serious illness. I was really upset. All I wanted was a hug and words like 'I'm sorry to hear that hope they are ok" but he just stood there!??!!! And looked at me with this stupid look on his face.
A few mins later He then proceeded to go on about his shitty day at work. Is he for real. It's really getting me down and I just needed a rant.

Yeah one of the many reasons he's now my ex. He'd just glaze over then ramble on about something he was interested in. He was very selfish and had lots of narcissistic traits.

Oh and sorry about your friend, I hope they'll be ok.

I ended up having to say to ex 'can I have a hug please?' He'd be happy to oblige but eventually I got fed up of asking or prompting. I need someone with more emotional intelligence and empathy.

Yes unfortunately he has also 😞 and this is one of the traits. I'm just feeling really fed up. X

Sorry I cant edit my post he is DH not just partner xx

So leave him to it OP.

Let him be a sad, lonely, self-obsessed man, circling the drain. Don't get dragged down as well.

Has he always been like that?

Yes seems to have worsened with age (the selfishness and no empathy ) he's 47.

I think you'll need to fortify your relationship with some empathetic girlfriends otherwise you're going to feel ever so lonely.

Some people lack the empathy gene.

unfortunately you can’t really change him… but you can say in the future… I’d love a hug and some sympathy as my friend is very sick. Almost spell out what you want emotional.

Yeah that would be me... I'm a guy and even though I always put others first (so I wouldn't consider myself a narcissistic), empathy isn't really my thing.

Sickness, disease, people crying, loss... doesn't really affect me. I WAS more empathetic, but a lost a lot of it with an ex that manipulated me into staying through suicidal threats... it desensitised me to tears and that connection.

I can't speak for him, but as one that isn't empathetic (pretty much at all), it doesn't mean we don't love. We like company and we want those around us happy, but we sort of follow a script when it comes to helping others through hard times. In some situations, it helps, a natural disaster for example we'll be the calm, rational decision makers.

He's there for a reason obviously, and just because he doesn't know how to help, doesn't mean he doesn't want to help.

I've had 40 years of it and it does get worse with age.

Yes, my ex very much lacked empathy. I remember telling him that my asthma was so bad I needed to go to the hospital immediately and he told me to hurry up and decide if I wanted to go cause he had to get to bed so he could get up for work in the morning. I knew then he would be shitty having empathy for me, and I was right, it never changed over the years I knew him.

Yes my now ex it only got worse x

You deserve to feel cared for and valued as a person. That’s the whole point of being in a relationship. It can’t just be one sided.
Are there good parts to the marriage?

Why do you want to put up with it?

My ex was exactly the same , I had a friend who passed away and had 2 little girls .I got home from work after finding out and was crying and thought he might be a bit more caring , but no he started shouting and swearing that his van was going to fail the mot. I said a young woman has just passed away and left behind 2 little girls his reply was well that’s not my problem,,,, selfish prick 😡

Dh has autism and is the same. He doesn't know how to react and gets all flustered. It's tough but if I tell him what I want/need, that usually makes things a bit easier.

I was just going to suggest this. Could there be a possibility he has autism or ADHD?

I have ADHD and it has worsened with age. I also have an asshole husband who has verbally and emotionally abused me due to traits of my then undiagnosed ADHD from years ago. I remember one night I had a terrible terrible migraine and was sick in the toilet because of it. I asked if he could put our son to bed and he was getting angry at me because he felt I got migraines too often and he was going to miss going out if he had to stay home to put our son to bed. I lost all respect and empathy for him then and have become desensitised to it with him now and I think also a bit due to my adhd. He's furious now that I don't show him any empathy. It's almost as if I've forgotten how and I really don't know how to with other people anymore in seriously sad situations either 🫤

I once watched a youtube video about empathy. It seems that people who are really good at empathising are those who had a traumatic childhood.

Used to... he is ex DH now

And here we go again, selfish shit men being excused with 'oh he might be autistic' please don't make this a go to, it's truly insulting to anyone genuinely autistic.

I have children with autism, I suspect both me and dh are autistic. He has no problems with empathy. Sometimes he leans more towards practical solutions in the face of suffering but if I'm upset he is desperate to make me feel better.

The thing with autism and empathy is that often we miss the cues about when we should react and support our partner, but once we understand we should, we are as capable of ‘feeling with’ them as anyone else.

if your partner understands but doesn’t give a shit, that would not be a standard autism presentation.

Your dh had plenty of empathy for himself and his shitty day, he just doesn't have empathy for anyone else. How do you feel about this being the long term? How would you feel about anyone else being with a partner who couldn't feel empathy for others. I could cope wirh having someone like this as an acquaintance but relationships are built on care for eahother's inner worlds so I don't see that a relationship with someone who doesn't have that sense of humanity is possible.

My 24 year old brother is like that but he doesn’t mean it, we think he has Asperger’s. Also a uni housemate I had