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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold/Support

29 replies

dogmama1 · 10/11/2022 19:38

Hi,

Writing this through glazed eyes.

My husband and I have only been married for 14 months, together for 8. Mortgage, no kids.
He came home on Tuesday and announced he's done, starting instantly bar-rating me about what we will do with the house, and has been completely cold and malicious about it. No emotion, very matter of fact.
He's refused to leave the home. So I'm currently living in my bedroom and he's in the lounge which I'm finding incredibly hard.
I didn't want this, we've had a rocky few months but nothing that wasn't resolvable or fixable (no affair or secrets)

I am feeling absolutely broken. And more so by the fact he's completely ok. Came home this evening, got straight in the shower, got our humming around the house, went downstairs, made his dinner and sat scoffing it.
I've been in my bedroom for 2 days, haven't eaten, can't sleep, a completely wreck.

I told my immediate family and best friend today, as I feel I had to, to come to terms with it. I think sitting with it to myself was me hopeful it would change. But he's made it a very clear that isn't going to happen because he's done and wants out.

I'm only 30, we'd planned a whole future together, was going to start a family next year. And I feel as though I've just lost everything and am going back to square one. I'm most likely going to have to move back in with my mum (who is great) but, from owning a home at 24, married, etc to living in your mums spare room, no kids, divorced... I'm completely humiliated. We live in a small town, so it'll no doubt spread like wildfire which is going to be painful for me to bare.

How do people cope with this???
All my friends are settled down, married, kids some 2x. Nobody goes out anymore really...
i have a great support network around me, but, I can't help but still feel completely alone and isolated, knowing they're all at home with their significant others and kids, happy.

My mum keeps telling me I am going to fine... but it feels like anything but.

I feel like I've just been stripped of everything that made me, me. He was my best friend. I adore my home, we have 3 small adorable dogs who are my world. We've travelled the world together. Brought our home together, got married and survived 3 postponements due to lockdown....

He says he still loves me and care about me. But, isn't Interested in fixing it. He's no longer interested in trying. He just wants out. Wants the house sold so he can get out because the house is a noose around his neck apparently.

How do people cope with this? I feel like I'm so young and was maybe naive that this could ever happen to me. I thought our relationship meant so much more to him than this. He chase me for 1.5 years before we got together. Promised me the world. But I don't even know this man anymore. I didn't know someone who loved or cared for you could be so so cruel.

OP posts:
Igglepiggleslittletoe · 10/11/2022 20:16

There has to be another woman op. Im so sorry you are going through this.

Teaandtoast35 · 10/11/2022 21:01

That’s horrible, OP, I’m sorry.

First, the practicalities - I’m 34 and moving back to parents after 4 pregnancy losses including stillbirth and a break up with partner of 5 years. Lots of love there, but he has also been very manipulative and grief kept my head stuck in the sand. I can do it. I know it. You can too. I made a list, worked through it, and I’m feeling more and more ready. And excited. Another roll of the dice! I wonder what adventures are in store! It’s a bit different for you maybe, because you say your marriage was going well before the last few months. You know, I got with him at 30. I have a friend who is with an abusive man too, also got with him at 30. So beware your own desperation!! We were so desperate to have our lives on track. 5 years later and I realise no one has to have their lives on track. There’s no track. We can’t control what happens (eg my losses, his manipulation). And if there is a track, perhaps it’s boring! Try to imagine a new future. Aside from my list, I’ve also been thinking of things that will make my new life “wonderful”. I’m actually really looking forward to spending more time with my mum. I know you love him, but I’m sure you love your mum too and she’s probably been there and will be there a lot more than him. Mine is older and I’m pleased to have an opportunity to spend time together now, before she gets too old. I think I might wallpaper my old room and plan to stay for about a year to save money. F everyone else in your small town (me too, btw). This is your life! You get to have a LIFE. Every day I wish my babies were here having the lives I wished for them. We are so lucky just to be here.

Secondly, I’m sorry to say OP but I 100% agree with the PP that this has “affair” written all over it. What I would say is - don’t get wrapped up in that. Move out, move on. Don’t even worry about a divorce for a while - let him initiate proceedings. I don’t know the legal implications of that though! Just thinking that you should focus on you and really really try to turn away from any attempt to understand him or why he’s being so awful.

whitneyh · 10/11/2022 23:42

I’m so sorry for you. Like the above I have also ended up living with my parents after a break-up. It’s not all bad and it helps with loneliness. I’m not yet at the same hopeful stage as the previous poster but I do have glimpses of hope.

try not to feel humiliated - I know it is hard - but it is him who should feel embarrassed. Especially if he has cheated. Remember your worth

once you’re ready try and get a plan in place. You’ll find it a lot easier if you have things to plan and a routine going, doing things for yourself. X

Original poster
dogmama1 · 11/11/2022 00:47

Teaandtoast35 · 10/11/2022 21:01

That’s horrible, OP, I’m sorry.

First, the practicalities - I’m 34 and moving back to parents after 4 pregnancy losses including stillbirth and a break up with partner of 5 years. Lots of love there, but he has also been very manipulative and grief kept my head stuck in the sand. I can do it. I know it. You can too. I made a list, worked through it, and I’m feeling more and more ready. And excited. Another roll of the dice! I wonder what adventures are in store! It’s a bit different for you maybe, because you say your marriage was going well before the last few months. You know, I got with him at 30. I have a friend who is with an abusive man too, also got with him at 30. So beware your own desperation!! We were so desperate to have our lives on track. 5 years later and I realise no one has to have their lives on track. There’s no track. We can’t control what happens (eg my losses, his manipulation). And if there is a track, perhaps it’s boring! Try to imagine a new future. Aside from my list, I’ve also been thinking of things that will make my new life “wonderful”. I’m actually really looking forward to spending more time with my mum. I know you love him, but I’m sure you love your mum too and she’s probably been there and will be there a lot more than him. Mine is older and I’m pleased to have an opportunity to spend time together now, before she gets too old. I think I might wallpaper my old room and plan to stay for about a year to save money. F everyone else in your small town (me too, btw). This is your life! You get to have a LIFE. Every day I wish my babies were here having the lives I wished for them. We are so lucky just to be here.

Secondly, I’m sorry to say OP but I 100% agree with the PP that this has “affair” written all over it. What I would say is - don’t get wrapped up in that. Move out, move on. Don’t even worry about a divorce for a while - let him initiate proceedings. I don’t know the legal implications of that though! Just thinking that you should focus on you and really really try to turn away from any attempt to understand him or why he’s being so awful.

I know I shouldn't find comfort in your situation, but you are the first person of my age I've spoke to, of a similar situation. Can I ask, were you married? And did you have a house together, a mortgage?

I don't believe it's an affair. He literally goes to work and comes home. He's not a drinker, he doesn't go out unless with me. His phone is also broken, unable to receive or make phone calls, and he's very very rarely on his phone (he always said it was pointless him having one)

I know deep down he's not the best for me. My mum and best friend have both told me I've been being emotionally abused. I suffered really badly with depression, he didn't support me at all. Infact, he made it worse, he's argue with me constantly, made no efforts to support me or be understanding. Told me he couldn't help me, told me I had nothing to be depressed about, told me to get over it. I was suicidal for a while, regular thoughts which I was express because I found it a way of protecting myself. Once he replied saying 'yeah? If you wanted to you would of by now'
He calls me a c**nt regularly if I piss him off. He does nothing around the house, I manage everything. He's terrible with money, racked up 17k worth of credit card debt he kept a secret from me for a long time. Before our wedding, he threatened to cancel it if I didn't sort my shit out.
He is never, ever wrong. Never apologises.
I truly believe he has serious mental health issues, (a lot of which stems from his childhood, which he admits) he irrational most the time, over reacts to the littlest of things. But I've asked him to get help, told him I'd support him, he refused. Asked him to make a GP appointment to try tablets? Refused.
He never asks how I am, how my day was. It's always about him.
His brother accused me of cheating. (Never would, never have on anyone)
He is nasty.

But, he was mine. And I guess I buried a lot of that because I'm my mind, I'd rather be with him than without him.

I'm going to try and see if I can keep the house. But I'm thinking it's unlikely.

I don't mind moving back in with my mum, she's my best friend and I adore her. She's been a rock to me.
But, I'm devastated to be loosing all of this. I was so proud of my achievements. And he had nothing before he met me, not even a bank account.. and for him to be the one ripping it all away. Sickens me. I truly trusted this man with my life, I never ever imagined he'd stonewall me like this. And so coldly. He didn't even sit me down and speak to me respectfully. He came home, in a fowl mood. Then passive aggressively sat on the sofa and said 'think we need a chat don't you?'
And I said, what about? He replied 'us, because I'm fuxking done'.
I responded angrily. I was blindsided and felt crushed in that moment. I soon calmed down and told him this isn't what I want, at all. That I love him and I think we'd be extremely stupid to throw everything away on something that can be resolved and fixed.

He doesn't want to make the effort. So, it's done. I would leave? But as we have a mortgage, I refuse too. I don't want anything being done without me knowing. I will however frequent my mums in the evenings and come home for bed. (He's sleeping downstairs now) just so I don't feel like I'm tip toeing around my house.

He's been absolutely fine though. Whereas I've been distraught. I don't understand how someone can be so fine with it. I think that's hurting me more too..

I'm terrified I'll never find love again.
It's so hard these days? Working full time. None of my friends go out much anymore due to having partners and kids themselves. Feel like I'm now going to be alone forever. Although? At this very moment, that's suits me quiet well. I think I'd find it very very hard to ever trust again.

OP posts:
Original poster
dogmama1 · 11/11/2022 00:53

whitneyh · 10/11/2022 23:42

I’m so sorry for you. Like the above I have also ended up living with my parents after a break-up. It’s not all bad and it helps with loneliness. I’m not yet at the same hopeful stage as the previous poster but I do have glimpses of hope.

try not to feel humiliated - I know it is hard - but it is him who should feel embarrassed. Especially if he has cheated. Remember your worth

once you’re ready try and get a plan in place. You’ll find it a lot easier if you have things to plan and a routine going, doing things for yourself. X

Hello!

Thank you for responding and I'm sorry to hear you are also going through a similar situation.
Can I ask your age? Any kids? Mortgage?
Did he ask to end it.

I don't believe it's an affair. He literally goes to work and comes home. He's not a drinker, he doesn't go out unless with me. His phone is also broken, unable to receive or make phone calls, and he's very very rarely on his phone (he always said it was pointless him having one)

He claims it was the period of time I was ill (chronic depression) and that he can't get past that. I admit I wasn't easy? But I sought private counselling as soon as I recognised I needed too? And I've been miles better - everyone's seen it.
I asked him how after 8 years he can hold a period of time when I was I'll against me.... he told me it's how he feels.

I'm stating to realise that maybe I just married an asshole!

My mums been amazing, She has a spare room, and even offered if I wanted to stay there full time, I could use some of my money from the house sale to convert their attic space (which is big) with a ensuite, mini kitchen etc. which I thought was really special. He, has nowhere to go.... and with renting prices at the moment, he'll be down shit street quiet quickly. (He's terrible with money so he'll fritter away his share no doubt).
I wouldn't want to live somewhere alone for a while. I don't think it'd be health for me, as you said. Some company, as distraction, or just a cuddle when your feeling low.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/11/2022 00:56

Your marriage ending is the best thing that could ever happen for you. It's the truth and you'll see that soon. Get away from this prick as fast as you can.

Original poster
dogmama1 · 11/11/2022 00:59

Aquamarine1029 · 11/11/2022 00:56

Your marriage ending is the best thing that could ever happen for you. It's the truth and you'll see that soon. Get away from this prick as fast as you can.

You are probably, absolutely right.

But right now I feel like my worlds falling apart. He went from kissing me in the morning and a sweet considerate text before I left for work. To coming home and ending things. In the space of literally 9 hours.

I'm blindsided, humiliated, in shock and so very very sad at the thought of loosing my home. Maybe more so than I am him.

OP posts:
eleanorfalling · 11/11/2022 01:37

My first husband walked out on me after less than a year. He was incredibly cruel - and had clearly been thinking about it and planning what he would do and say. So I totally get the blindsided bit. I was 27. And really embarrassed by the whole thing. I felt such humiliation.

really feel for you.

but

you sound like you are doing really well, and you are feeling and facing your feelings and the situation as it is. Doesn’t sound like he is. I was so devastated at the time, but honestly now - 20 years later - I think of it as one of the best things that could have happened to me. It was so shocking and so bad but I don’t think I would ever have been brave enough to leave him. And he wasn’t right for me. No one who is that mean to you or careless about your feelings is right for you.

believe in yourself - it will get better - and you are so much better away from someone who could treat you like that.

I’ve been v lucky - am now married to the best of men. So different. And in the end, a relatively short time with the wrong person is so much better than being in the same position in 10 yrs time. Stay strong and try to look forward - it might sound mad but he’s probably doing you a favour by being such a dick. Mine tried to get back together again about 18 months later. But the way he had behaved had killed every last feeling I had for him. So - thankfully - it was easy to walk away.

Theonlywayisup1 · 11/11/2022 06:28

Oh wow OP. I know you are hurting as you are emotionally involved with him, however as someone who Is not, this man is NO GOOD, not just for you, but no good in general. Be strong, lean on your friends and family, and you will look back and realise how lucky you were to not have to live a whole life with this man. Just remember each minute/hour/day is one step closer to feeling better. As cliche as it sounds, time is the best healer.

Original poster
dogmama1 · 11/11/2022 11:41

eleanorfalling · 11/11/2022 01:37

My first husband walked out on me after less than a year. He was incredibly cruel - and had clearly been thinking about it and planning what he would do and say. So I totally get the blindsided bit. I was 27. And really embarrassed by the whole thing. I felt such humiliation.

really feel for you.

but

you sound like you are doing really well, and you are feeling and facing your feelings and the situation as it is. Doesn’t sound like he is. I was so devastated at the time, but honestly now - 20 years later - I think of it as one of the best things that could have happened to me. It was so shocking and so bad but I don’t think I would ever have been brave enough to leave him. And he wasn’t right for me. No one who is that mean to you or careless about your feelings is right for you.

believe in yourself - it will get better - and you are so much better away from someone who could treat you like that.

I’ve been v lucky - am now married to the best of men. So different. And in the end, a relatively short time with the wrong person is so much better than being in the same position in 10 yrs time. Stay strong and try to look forward - it might sound mad but he’s probably doing you a favour by being such a dick. Mine tried to get back together again about 18 months later. But the way he had behaved had killed every last feeling I had for him. So - thankfully - it was easy to walk away.

Thank you so much for commenting your experience @Eleanorfalling.

Did he say why he was ending things?
Did you live together?
What did he say when he came back 18 months later? Had you stayed in contact all that time? Or did he just resurface?

I may sound like I'm coping well, but I'm most definitely not....
He is though. He seems completely unphased.
I've been locked away in my room for 3 days, can't bring myself to leave.
Not sleeping, can't eat. Been throwing up. I feel absolutely ripped apart.
And I know the worst is yet to come as I have no doubt he'll soon start breathing down my neck to get things with the house rolling.
Feel like everything I thought I knew about my life and the direction it was going has just been ripped up. I feel so lost.

OP posts:
Original poster
dogmama1 · 11/11/2022 11:41

Theonlywayisup1 · 11/11/2022 06:28

Oh wow OP. I know you are hurting as you are emotionally involved with him, however as someone who Is not, this man is NO GOOD, not just for you, but no good in general. Be strong, lean on your friends and family, and you will look back and realise how lucky you were to not have to live a whole life with this man. Just remember each minute/hour/day is one step closer to feeling better. As cliche as it sounds, time is the best healer.

Thank you. I truly hope so.

OP posts:
eleanorfalling · 11/11/2022 12:09

Oh dogmama1 you are facing it and you are doing well. I had to have 2 weeks off work - I just cried the whole time. I did go and stay with my parents and I was so lucky in that my friends did check in with me. So don't beat yourself up about that. It's devastating - the fact that someone can do this to you and all of your future and the things you were thinking about just gone.

We did live together - it wasn't going well but there was no obvious reason. he'd just decided it wasn't working for him. and we weren't right. It made absolutely no sense to me at the time. It doesn't really now! I completely cut contact with him (he initiated the divorce). I got a new mobile number and then 18 months later he wanted to meet up. I agonised about it as I thought it would be really distressing but I went, and he said he'd like to give it another go and I couldn't really believe it. In a way, it was sort of satisfying that I chose that, but honestly it wasn't much of a thrill - just even more evidence he didn't understand.

Be kind to yourself. You just need to get through each day. And eventually the days will get better.

TedMullins · 11/11/2022 12:20

dogmama1 · 11/11/2022 00:47

I know I shouldn't find comfort in your situation, but you are the first person of my age I've spoke to, of a similar situation. Can I ask, were you married? And did you have a house together, a mortgage?

I don't believe it's an affair. He literally goes to work and comes home. He's not a drinker, he doesn't go out unless with me. His phone is also broken, unable to receive or make phone calls, and he's very very rarely on his phone (he always said it was pointless him having one)

I know deep down he's not the best for me. My mum and best friend have both told me I've been being emotionally abused. I suffered really badly with depression, he didn't support me at all. Infact, he made it worse, he's argue with me constantly, made no efforts to support me or be understanding. Told me he couldn't help me, told me I had nothing to be depressed about, told me to get over it. I was suicidal for a while, regular thoughts which I was express because I found it a way of protecting myself. Once he replied saying 'yeah? If you wanted to you would of by now'
He calls me a c**nt regularly if I piss him off. He does nothing around the house, I manage everything. He's terrible with money, racked up 17k worth of credit card debt he kept a secret from me for a long time. Before our wedding, he threatened to cancel it if I didn't sort my shit out.
He is never, ever wrong. Never apologises.
I truly believe he has serious mental health issues, (a lot of which stems from his childhood, which he admits) he irrational most the time, over reacts to the littlest of things. But I've asked him to get help, told him I'd support him, he refused. Asked him to make a GP appointment to try tablets? Refused.
He never asks how I am, how my day was. It's always about him.
His brother accused me of cheating. (Never would, never have on anyone)
He is nasty.

But, he was mine. And I guess I buried a lot of that because I'm my mind, I'd rather be with him than without him.

I'm going to try and see if I can keep the house. But I'm thinking it's unlikely.

I don't mind moving back in with my mum, she's my best friend and I adore her. She's been a rock to me.
But, I'm devastated to be loosing all of this. I was so proud of my achievements. And he had nothing before he met me, not even a bank account.. and for him to be the one ripping it all away. Sickens me. I truly trusted this man with my life, I never ever imagined he'd stonewall me like this. And so coldly. He didn't even sit me down and speak to me respectfully. He came home, in a fowl mood. Then passive aggressively sat on the sofa and said 'think we need a chat don't you?'
And I said, what about? He replied 'us, because I'm fuxking done'.
I responded angrily. I was blindsided and felt crushed in that moment. I soon calmed down and told him this isn't what I want, at all. That I love him and I think we'd be extremely stupid to throw everything away on something that can be resolved and fixed.

He doesn't want to make the effort. So, it's done. I would leave? But as we have a mortgage, I refuse too. I don't want anything being done without me knowing. I will however frequent my mums in the evenings and come home for bed. (He's sleeping downstairs now) just so I don't feel like I'm tip toeing around my house.

He's been absolutely fine though. Whereas I've been distraught. I don't understand how someone can be so fine with it. I think that's hurting me more too..

I'm terrified I'll never find love again.
It's so hard these days? Working full time. None of my friends go out much anymore due to having partners and kids themselves. Feel like I'm now going to be alone forever. Although? At this very moment, that's suits me quiet well. I think I'd find it very very hard to ever trust again.

Show quote history

With kindness OP, he showed you who he was a long time ago. His comments when you were depressed and suicidal were full of contempt, he called you names and showed no understanding and support, he saw you and your mental health as an inconvenience and something to be mocked. He lied about debt. He doesn’t resolve conflict without verbally attacking you and trying to degrade and insult you.

This is EXACTLY the kind of person who’d end a relationship and stonewall you and be as cold as he’s being. I know when you’re in it, you manage to kid yourself there is love there underneath (been there) but this is not what love feels like. He absolutely does sound emotionally abusive, and generally a nasty person. You don’t love him - you love the idea of him being a nice husband, and you’re trauma bonded to him. You’re desperate for validation from him. Let me guess, he occasionally gives you crumbs of affection that give you hope and convince you that underneath it all he loves you?

That isn’t enough. That isn’t how a healthy, fulfilling relationship should work. It should lift you up and inspire you, and he should support you to be the best version of yourself. Trust me, he’s done you a favour by leaving - the worst thing you could possibly do is bring children into this toxic atmosphere and bring them up thinking they have to tolerate this in relationships, because they will absorb their surroundings. You’re better off single forever than with an abuser - and that’s what he is - but there’s every likelihood you will meet someone else. Don’t rush into it though. Get therapy and get to know yourself and be the best, alone, for you. You don’t need him, or anyone. Treat yourself as you’d want a partner to treat you. When you get to a point that you’re self-sufficient emotionally and a relationship is an added bonus to an already full life, but not a necessity, then you’ll be ready to think about dating again.

You can make new friends online or through clubs and hobbies if you feel isolated from your current friends, but surely they can spare you a few hours for a coffee and a chat even if they have kids? If they care about you there’ll want to be there regardless of whether you’re partnered with kids or not. Good luck OP, this is the start of a much better chapter in your life. It just doesn’t feel like it right now.

oobeedoobee · 11/11/2022 12:53

OP, you need to stop trying to find the 'why', because it will destroy you.

Rationally, the 'why' doesn't even matter. What matters is the fact that he is actively enjoying turning your whole world upside down and seeing you suffer ! It's made him HAPPY ffs !

And asking whether other posters partners who left came back won't help you, because you're asking simply to try to find a thread of hope/a lifebuoy to cling to, when what you need to be doing is thinking, ok, how to I swim for shore ?

Stop thinking 'How could he?' and start thinking 'How dare he' !

I mean who the hell does he think he is to treat you so horribly ?? He's a fuck up when left to his own devices ffs !!

You've already told us he's terrible with money and isn't remotely supportive when you need him to be e.g when you were unwell, also he says hurtful, nasty things to you e.g 'If you were going to kill yourself, you'd have done it by now !'

And now he's unceremoniously dumped you with zer bloody warning and he's sleeping like a log, he's actually humming and fucking cheerful FFS !!!

He's fucking VILE !!!

jollygoose · 11/11/2022 12:59

Please stop making his dinner - make your own and sit in YOUR lounge and eat in front of him. Stop hiding in the bedroom it`s still your house and treat him with the same contempt he is treating you. Get angry!!!

Original poster
dogmama1 · 11/11/2022 13:10

eleanorfalling · 11/11/2022 12:09

Oh dogmama1 you are facing it and you are doing well. I had to have 2 weeks off work - I just cried the whole time. I did go and stay with my parents and I was so lucky in that my friends did check in with me. So don't beat yourself up about that. It's devastating - the fact that someone can do this to you and all of your future and the things you were thinking about just gone.

We did live together - it wasn't going well but there was no obvious reason. he'd just decided it wasn't working for him. and we weren't right. It made absolutely no sense to me at the time. It doesn't really now! I completely cut contact with him (he initiated the divorce). I got a new mobile number and then 18 months later he wanted to meet up. I agonised about it as I thought it would be really distressing but I went, and he said he'd like to give it another go and I couldn't really believe it. In a way, it was sort of satisfying that I chose that, but honestly it wasn't much of a thrill - just even more evidence he didn't understand.

Be kind to yourself. You just need to get through each day. And eventually the days will get better.

I'm planning to go back to work on Monday. I quiet lucky in the respect that I actually work with my mum. She owns a business and I work for her. So, I know I'll have my mum their at all times if things get too tough. My work colleagues know now too, and they've all reached out and been great. Just can't help but feel everyone's looking at me through pitty at the moment.
I'm normally quiet a proud person too. So, this rejection is just destroying me.
All my family now know - I have no idea who he's told or who knows his side. I feel I kind of want to know, as I feel it makes it all the more real.

I sadly can't just leave the home. I wish I could, because I feel it would make this so much easier, the fact this is probably going to drag out for months and months is crushing me.
Thankfully, I did get ontop of my mental health 6 months ago, however I'm extremely worried this is going to send me backwards.

I can't believe after 18 months he had the nerve to do that to you....
and I'm so glad you turned him down.
My mums asked me a few times, what I would do if he changes his mind. I think honestly, after this, even though I'd want too. I don't know if I could.

Just feel like such a failure at having to potentially move back in with my mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
dogmama1 · 11/11/2022 13:13

jollygoose · 11/11/2022 12:59

Please stop making his dinner - make your own and sit in YOUR lounge and eat in front of him. Stop hiding in the bedroom it`s still your house and treat him with the same contempt he is treating you. Get angry!!!

I haven't been making dinner.

I've barely eaten in 3 days. He's coming home after buying himself a microwave meal, heats it up and sits downstairs and scoffs it.

I just feel physically sick, constantly. Last night, I actually was.
My mum keeps telling me the anger will come, but right now, I'm just blindsided and feeling very hopeless. Just had the rug pulled from underneath me. I just feel broken.

OP posts:
Original poster
dogmama1 · 11/11/2022 13:20

oobeedoobee · 11/11/2022 12:53

OP, you need to stop trying to find the 'why', because it will destroy you.

Rationally, the 'why' doesn't even matter. What matters is the fact that he is actively enjoying turning your whole world upside down and seeing you suffer ! It's made him HAPPY ffs !

And asking whether other posters partners who left came back won't help you, because you're asking simply to try to find a thread of hope/a lifebuoy to cling to, when what you need to be doing is thinking, ok, how to I swim for shore ?

Stop thinking 'How could he?' and start thinking 'How dare he' !

I mean who the hell does he think he is to treat you so horribly ?? He's a fuck up when left to his own devices ffs !!

You've already told us he's terrible with money and isn't remotely supportive when you need him to be e.g when you were unwell, also he says hurtful, nasty things to you e.g 'If you were going to kill yourself, you'd have done it by now !'

And now he's unceremoniously dumped you with zer bloody warning and he's sleeping like a log, he's actually humming and fucking cheerful FFS !!!

He's fucking VILE !!!

You are absolutely right. I know you are, just feel completely lost right now.

His cheerfulness and seemingly blazay attitude has completely thrown me. So have this happen so abruptly and just see no emotion from him is soul destroying. I feel like I've been living a complete lie.

I've been thinking endlessly these past fews days, and have concluded that he is a nasty person and infact what he actual did do for me was virtually nothing. It was very one sided. But, it was my future. I think maybe that's what I'm really struggling with.
Loosing my home, the divorce, the humiliation, the rejection, the abuse, the baby we'd planned (and that I'd been wanting for 4 years) gone.
And this was a guy I trusted implicitly. I never imagined he'd do this.
His parents had a very bad split when he was young, he always told me before getting married he never wanted to end up like that..... 14 months later.

I am angry at how he's writing off our whole 8 years together and just how much I did for him (he had nothing, not even a pot to piss in, a bank account, a direction, driving licence) for a 6-8 month period where admittedly I was difficult but, I was very ill. I just find it so cruel.

I do appreciate these replies so much though. I do read them and think? ... they're right. Fuck him.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 11/11/2022 13:38

First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please be kind to yourself. Stop worrying about what other people will think. None of that matters.

I was 26, married just under 2 years and split with my ex husband. I was worried that everyone woild think "Oh that big fancy wedding and it didnt even last 2 years". I was worried that my parents would be angry as they'd financed a big chunk of the wedding, but of course all they cared about was my happiness and couldn't have been more supportive.

We had no kids together but had just bought a house. I stayed in the house for 1 year on my own while we finalised the divorce. I then moved into my parents for 10 months while I sorted a new house for myself. I must admit, as lovely as my parents are, it was hard going back to not having my own place. But it's only temporary and it's actually nice to have that extra support around after a breakup.

It's now over 8 years on. I met a wonderful man and we're getting married in 7 weeks. Something I thought would never happen as I always said I'd never do it again and never thought I could trust someone again like that. I cringed the other day when a wedding supplier made the comment "well you only get married once" and it did feel a bit weird handing over my divorce certificate when I went to give notice for my upcoming wedding, especially since I'm only young. But life happens, people get divorced, people remarry. Life goes on.

I know it feels awful just now but it will get easier and you'll probably look back once the hurt has subdued and realise it wasn't a great relationship afterall. The fact that happily humming around the house while your world if falling apart tells me he's not a very nice man. He can be sure and happy with his decision to end the relationship without being completely disrespectful to your feelings.

Lean on your friends ans family, get a good lawyer and stay strong! Trust me, there's no greater feeling than standing on your own 2 feet when you get out the other end! You'll get there.

Original poster
dogmama1 · 11/11/2022 16:18

@Laurdo thank you for sharing your experience with me. My parents haven't judged me at all, they've been amazing. But I know people will have plenty to say. But, like you said, nobody that matters.
Just seriously hard to hold your head High in these circumstances.

I feel very much the same. I don't feel like I'll ever be able to trust someone like that again...
but, I have to remind myself that I do have options. I don't HAVE to be on a relationship to accomplish my dream of being a mum. And I know I'll be financially, as I always have been: for him too!

My first initial reaction was that I couldn't loose this house. But, as the days pass: I don't think it'd be overly healthy for me to stay here: even with him gone. Which breaks my heart, because I adore my home. But I'd have to take over the mortgage, buy him out, and also take on the help to buy loan solo too. And I think having been through all of this, with the worst yet to come. I may do myself a disservice trying to manage it all. I should make about 37k from the house sale which I'll save. So I'd move back in with my mum and continue to save until I can buy myself a home of my own.

Maybe once I've sorted my own life out. Can I think about entertaining another man, or if not. I'll start looking at becoming a mum in other ways. Just isn't what I ever imagined my life to be like.
I really did marry for life, and really did believe he was the one I'd see my days out with.

The cruelty of it all is crippling....

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/11/2022 16:44

I should make about 37k from the house sale which I'll save. So I'd move back in with my mum and continue to save until I can buy myself a home of my own.

Actually OP you will be in a pretty good position compared to a lot of single people your age. You're only 30! You still have many years to meet the right person to co-parent with. Thank god you didn't have children with this man! He sounds the sort to ramp up the abuse even more when he thinks he's got you "trapped" by kids. He's already nasty enough when he's pretending to like you.
Fucker.

Has he said anything about the financial arrangements going forward? Does he agree to sell? Because if you can start the process, I would get out now, tell him you're not paying your half of the mortgage until it's sold (you are liable for it legally but bluff him) so he needs to get off his arse and make sure it sells asap.

You're getting nothing but shite being in his orbit daily. I'd get out to my mum's and start the healing process.

Original poster
dogmama1 · 11/11/2022 17:02

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

That's what I've gradually started to realise, I will be ok. I'd like to get myself up to around 50K deposit before I start house hunting, and would wait for house prices to drop a little and hopefully interest rates to go down beforehand..

He wants the house sold. Literally 15 minutes after he viciously dumped on me that he was done with this relationship's, he instantly started demanding from me questions of what I am going to do about the house. I told him, he's just blindsided me and taken away everything I thought I knew about my life, I don't have those answers right now.
And until I'm at a point where I have clear clarity of what I want to do moving forward, I'm not going to jump into anything. As in just the last 3 days I've changed my mind 3 times. I think it's still too raw for me to be thinking properly and sensibly about the logistics.
I want to move into my mums immediately, but I don't think I should. That's making it too easy for him. And I don't want to do that.

I'm hoping we can, when the time comes, do it amicably and without expensive solicitors and lawyers involved. Which, if what he's expressed is true he should be onboard with. But then I really don't know this man at all, as I've come to realise. Ether which way, I will walk away from it in a better position than him.

My credit is also excellent. I score 999 on Experian. So I'm hopeful.... or trying to be.

It's just so hard.

OP posts:
eleanorfalling · 11/11/2022 17:24

its absolutely rotten. I so feel for you. On the house it might be better for you to be somewhere new? but I would try not to make any decisions too quickly unless you have to. You’ll still be in shock. And if you love it and you don’t have to give it up then don’t!

do whatever the hell you want on any given day. He certainly doesn’t deserve anything more than that. stay with your mum when you want to, or stay at your house. You don’t have to give him any answers and you can get advice first. I never learned that grey rock thing that people on here talk about (didn’t have to in that he just literally disappeared). But it sounds exactly the right thing. Also he may have mad ideas about what he’s entitled to on divorce. Mine certainly did. He took half of my stuff (my actual stuff) on the day he cleared out of our flat. That was one of things that finally helped me. He even took one chopstick from a pair!
so - to be on the safe side - do get anything you care about to your mum’s.

In the end, you have yourself, your Mum, your friends, your job and all of this will help you. Time is on your side too. You’ve got this.

small thing and this might sound daft but I got new perfume and new shampoo etc. I can’t remember who told me to do that but it made a difference to me that normal smelt different. Things being unfamiliar was actually useful because I felt like I was living in a different world.

LittleSwede · 11/11/2022 17:41

OP, you are still young with your whole life ahead of you. I haven't got much time to type this but please look at the following:

Join The Freedom Programme, the online programme is only £12 and includes online copy of Living With The Dominator

Read Why Does He Do That book by Lundy Bancroft

Watch Youtube videos by Dr Ramani

If you feel strong enough, Narc Site by H G Tudor

You can do this, there are lots of wise women on MN who will support you. Don't hesitate to contact Women's Aid too.

OldFan · 11/11/2022 18:47

I feel like I've just been stripped of everything that made me, me

He didn't make you you @dogmama1 . You lived before you met him and you'll live after him being in your life too. xx