Hand hold/Support

[dogmama1]

Hi,

Writing this through glazed eyes.

My husband and I have only been married for 14 months, together for 8. Mortgage, no kids.
He came home on Tuesday and announced he's done, starting instantly bar-rating me about what we will do with the house, and has been completely cold and malicious about it. No emotion, very matter of fact.
He's refused to leave the home. So I'm currently living in my bedroom and he's in the lounge which I'm finding incredibly hard.
I didn't want this, we've had a rocky few months but nothing that wasn't resolvable or fixable (no affair or secrets)

I am feeling absolutely broken. And more so by the fact he's completely ok. Came home this evening, got straight in the shower, got our humming around the house, went downstairs, made his dinner and sat scoffing it.
I've been in my bedroom for 2 days, haven't eaten, can't sleep, a completely wreck.

I told my immediate family and best friend today, as I feel I had to, to come to terms with it. I think sitting with it to myself was me hopeful it would change. But he's made it a very clear that isn't going to happen because he's done and wants out.

I'm only 30, we'd planned a whole future together, was going to start a family next year. And I feel as though I've just lost everything and am going back to square one. I'm most likely going to have to move back in with my mum (who is great) but, from owning a home at 24, married, etc to living in your mums spare room, no kids, divorced... I'm completely humiliated. We live in a small town, so it'll no doubt spread like wildfire which is going to be painful for me to bare.

How do people cope with this???
All my friends are settled down, married, kids some 2x. Nobody goes out anymore really...
i have a great support network around me, but, I can't help but still feel completely alone and isolated, knowing they're all at home with their significant others and kids, happy.

My mum keeps telling me I am going to fine... but it feels like anything but.

I feel like I've just been stripped of everything that made me, me. He was my best friend. I adore my home, we have 3 small adorable dogs who are my world. We've travelled the world together. Brought our home together, got married and survived 3 postponements due to lockdown....

He says he still loves me and care about me. But, isn't Interested in fixing it. He's no longer interested in trying. He just wants out. Wants the house sold so he can get out because the house is a noose around his neck apparently.

How do people cope with this? I feel like I'm so young and was maybe naive that this could ever happen to me. I thought our relationship meant so much more to him than this. He chase me for 1.5 years before we got together. Promised me the world. But I don't even know this man anymore. I didn't know someone who loved or cared for you could be so so cruel.

Thank you.

My best friend that to me just today, and it's true. Infact, if anything. I've made him who he is today, he'll have to maintain that on his own now. I know I will be just fine.

I am 32. No we weren’t married and no kids or property together. We were on the brink of buying when we split, and I’m very glad I don’t have that complication now.

A lot of what you have said really resonates with me. My story is complicated, but has also left me feeling I don’t feel like I can ever fully trust again and that I’ve been living a lie. His choice to end it, but a drawn out confusing process. I have had some very very very low points due to how hopeless it makes me feel about the future. How low I have been actually makes me struggle to recognise myself. But I don’t want to not trust again. And I just don’t see how I can get strong again in time to have children easily with someone. I plan to start therapy soon to work through all of this. I don’t deserve to have my trust and happiness taken away from me like this and I know that.

similar to you I have also struggled as I barely have any single friends. And almost none of my friends have ever been through a break up in adulthood so cannot empathise. That is really really hard.

But on the plus side- I’ve bought my own place, all with my own money, completely independent of any unreliable male ;) I should move in early next year. I would suggest you don’t use your money to convert your mum’s - save up, I think at some point you will feel like you want your own place and gain control. Get a LISA if you don’t have one.

Hi @whitneyh,

I'm really sorry to hear you've recently experienced this.... it's seriously tough.
I'm the same, all my friends haven't experienced this in adulthood. They all seem to have found their ones and they're all happily getting married and having baby's and a proper family unit. I feel like I no longer fit in anywhere.
Even my work colleagues younger than me have significant others, engaged, living together....
it's a very very lonely place.

But, being alone I'm starting to realise isn't a flaw. It's hard to see that right now.... it really really is. But, people do keep telling me this atleast leaves me in charge of my own destiny. If I choose to never settle down again, I've got the money and means to buy my own home. And in this day in age, you don't even need a significant other to become a mum. And theirs no shame in that (I know plenty of people who've had kids and the dads are never to be seen) it's no different, except you don't have the pain of rejection when said asshole walks away from you and your child.
I have an amazing support network around me, and in the last 3 days, they've made a HUGE difference.

I know this is going to be painful for some time to come, especially as at the moment and probably for the foreseeable future, we are co-habiting. Although haven't spoken a word to one another in the last 2 days.. it's tough knowing he's here. But I know it'll also be incredibly painful once the tie is severed. Becomes all the more real.

But, that's why I took the steps to tell everyone within my inner circle, I didn't want to be in denial. And I'm now trying to focus all my attention on what direction I want to go after here...
i agree, I don't think I'll do out my mums. I think that was just me feeling very needy and wanting my mum in that moment. But she has a perfectly good room I can move into, for aslong as I need.
So I will bank my profit from the house sale, continue to save and invest in another home when I feel ready.

I recently just recovered (not fully, I'm still on meds) but from a very very intense period of depression. So I'm trying so hard to not allow myself to slip back into that, and I think my being alone is going to help me with that. I'm going to need support for a while and a guiding light.

Did he give you reasons for leaving?
I've had two serious relationships in my time, my first with my childhood sweetheart, he cheated non- stop and we split which was incredibly painful. And now, my husband, who I thought was so different from the a 'normal bloke'. Turns out he's worst of all. Whilst not cheating, he's emotionally ruining me. He's cruel. And I feel sick to my stomach that I didn't see any of this coming... but because he blamed me for EVERYTHING. I always accepted his behaviour because it was my fault. Because I nag .... because I moan, because I pick.
Which.... I don't. I ask him to do the absolute bare minimum towards the household chores and he doesn't, or does but with protest.

It's all just excuses.... he's a liar.

But I don’t want to not trust again. And I just don’t see how I can get strong again in time to have children easily with someone.

This ^^

@whitneyh I completely understand this. I said exactly this to my best friend today. I know I won't be ready to allow anyone in for quiet sometime, years potentially. I want to make sure I'm whole before I even entertain that. And the thought of a man right now makes my stomach turn.
But, by the time I meet someone, establish the kind of relationship that's right to bring a child into, I'm panicked it'll be too late, or very difficult and I never wanted to be a older mum.

But I've resounded myself to the fact that, if I want to. I can do that alone. I don't need a man to make my dreams a reality, I have everything I need inside of me to make that happen.

And my best friend said to me today 'and don't worry about being a 'single mum' and not coping, because most men do nothing during the baby stage anyway!' And she's not half wrong? Every friend I know who's had a baby, their partners do very little in terms of night feeds, nappy's, baths etc etc.

But know your not alone. And you can write to me anytime if you need to speak to someone who can relate.