Trying to leave

[ChristmasTunesAlready]

Hi All

I posted a thread under a different username a while back detailing my lightbulb moment of realising I was subject to domestic abuse (verbal, emotional and gaslighting). I asked MN to delete the thread as I was feeling judged by some of the later comments. No lie, I'm judging myself now for making the decision I made. I'd rather not focus on that right now.
I left with my DD (9 months at the time) and stayed in women's aid refuge for 2 weeks. Long story cut short, I decided to return to my H...for a while things were fine. We decided to rebuild our relationship and he was working on himself after realising what he'd been doing to me (he's still working on these things) and I'm working on building my own confidence etc...
However, it's been over a month since I've come back. I'm not really interested in a romantic relationship with him anymore and I'm seeing some of his old behaviours seeping through.
I've said to him 2 or 3 times since I came back that I want us to separate and that I'd rather be a single mum (with support from an amazing family and support network on both his side and mine). Each time I've said this, he's talked me back into staying with him, wanting to work on things. Looking back, he's just thinking of himself saying things like "This isn't fair!" and "Why would you want to be a single mum if you don't have to!" I tell him straightforward that I'm just not happy in this marriage anymore and I'm met with "What can I do to make you happy?" I tell him that I want him to respect me enough to make this decision for myself.
Unfortunately, it's clear that I'm not going to get anywhere talking to him, so I'm going to have to leave behind his back (again!)
I'm getting counselling from Relate Scotland, am back in contact with Women's Aid and my mum is fully aware of the situation and has offered for me and DD to stay there when I do leave. However, I'm just as terrified as I was when I was planning to leave last time. I also want to give his family a heads up as they've been so supportive and even pledged their ongoing support when I left last time.

I know, I made the biggest mistake in going back to him and I feel like a bloody fool, but I just want out. I want to live a life with my beautiful and amazing DD without him there. As much as I still love and care about my H, I don't feel the same attraction to him as I used to. We had a lovely date day/night together over the weekend while DD was at her auntie's, but returning back to everyday life...I hate it.

Any advice/support??

I just gave him a call to see how DD is getting on as she's got a bad cold just now and he said he was up all night (just couldn't sleep) and heard me talking in my sleep saying things like "get off me" and "just get out". He was saying I was acting weird last night as well (I've got a cold so I feel like crap as I'm working through it) and I was behaving differently...I don't think I was but maybe it's my subconscious breaking through.
I would just talk to him about it but I know exactly how it will end up - he'll just talk me around to trying to work on things with him!

Bump

It’s not your fault at all OP, he is a manipulator and it’s so hard to tell when you’re not one! I’m in a similar ish situation. Make a list. Of your ducks ie ducks in a row! Work through it. And honestly read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. It OPENED MY EYES. It was a MN rec. Thank goodness for MN! Good luck.

@Teaandtoast35 Thank you for responding.
I'm pretty sure someone else mentioned that book on my previous thread so will definitely look it up.
I've got a call with Women's Aid in a wee while so will hopefully get some advice from them about what to do next.
Last night, we were lying in bed cuddling (spooning) and he asked me if I meant all the things I said when I tried to leave (that we didn't work as a couple anymore etc). It was about 11pm, I was tired as DD took a while to get to sleep last night and I needed to get to sleep for work today...it wasn't the time to have a deep conversation about this! I just covered my tracks by saying that I said we were going to work on things etc. He then said his usual "there are just all these rules now since you've come back. There shouldn't be any rules." etc. By rules, I'm saying I've set boundaries re. intimacy since I came back from refuge. Generally, he's respected them, but he's getting impatient now and his comments about me being sexy, that he's thinking about me when he's in the shower and that I'm wearing my 'sexy boots' to work (they're not sexy, he just thinks I look sexy in them) are just driving me crazy and further away from wanting to be intimate with him! It's just too much pressure.
My counsellor told me the other day that I could suggest staying at my mum's while we're both working on ourselves (which is what we're doing - he's getting professional support and I'm working on building my confidence up and such) so we've got a bit of space...after a while, I'll drop that I want it to be more permanent.

He does sound manipulative and sounds like you’ll have a better life without him. It’s great you can move to your mums. Do you work - can you get your own place in time ?

@Bedazzled22 Yes, I work full time and am the sole breadwinner of the house so I'm in a strong position financially (we have our own individual bank accounts and a joint account for rent and bill money - my wages are paid into my own account).
Once everything is sorted (who knows when that will be?!) I'd like to move back to our house, but part of me wants to end the tennancy, stay with my mum longer so I can save for a deposit for my own place one day (a nice 2 bed house for me and DD).

So...my plan to leave is delayed even more as we all (me, my H and DD) have all tested positive for COVID so we're stuck at home for the next week or so...today is day 3 since we tested positive.
No even getting any respite by going to work so I'm stuck living with someone I'm trying to leave!

Urgh!

He's just so bloody clingy! He's having a tough time with covid...I'm kinda over the worst of mine. We're both on the sofa, DD is fast asleep in my arms now...H reached over to touch my shoulder for contact with me...he's fallen asleep with hus hand still on my shoulder. Even that's making me feel suffocated. Just stop touching me already!!!

So, the last couple of nights, I've had dreams where I've been sexually assaulted - one was a TV character grabbing me between my legs, the other was a doctor tending to a wound on my knee, but who later turned out to be totally naked under his white doctor's coat (before he was a doctor, he was a taxi driver with amputated legs - mentioning this as H has had issues with his leg since childhood).
I'm finally back at work after being off with COVID and planning to leave behind his back this weekend - hate the idea of doing this as he's already worried I'll do this again, but I can't hold off anymore...no way I can wait until after Xmas. I need out...I looked up what my dreams mean and they're a sign of needing to take action about a situation I'm feeling trapped in. I'm not overly superstitious or anything, but this interpretation was bang on the dot of what I need and want to do!

So, I'm still here. Decided to wait it out until Christmas and New year are over but not sure how long I can go as he manipulated me yesterday!
I said I was afraid to say something to him in case he got annoyed at me or something. He said that I need to stop being afraid because he's changing and he's not the same person as he once was. He also said what's the point in him making these changes (going to psychology/therapy etc) if I'm not going to respond in a different way myself. I said I was acknowledging his changes but that I need more time to change my mindset as its been my default to be afraid for years. He then said that I was abusing him for saying that as, I said to him when I came back, he used to say "sorry I shouted, but, can you see why I did that?" and that me saying "but I need more time" is abusing him and that "this works both ways".

I NEED OUT!!!!!

Why dont you go now and have a lovely Christmas with your dd?

I work full time while he has her at home all day. The only time I'm alone to get DD away is a Sunday when he leaves an hour earlier than me to play in the praise band at our church. I suppose I have more openings now that my mum has DD 2 days a week, but it's just too stressful. The last time I left was stressful enough without adding Christmas to the mix.

Imagine a Christmas without him.

I dont understand what is keeping you. You have a safe place to leave to at your mums house so just go.

My counsellor told me the other day that I could suggest staying at my mum's while we're both working on ourselves (which is what we're doing - he's getting professional support and I'm working on building my confidence up and such) so we've got a bit of space...after a while, I'll drop that I want it to be more permanent.. This sounds like a good idea to me.

It sounds like he's a SAHD? If he's caring for DD as a SAHD he might push for more contact, so you'd need to establish from the start that he's not looking after her on your days while you work Make it clear early on. I'd be looking at getting DDs name down for child care so once you go you've got that in place.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons He is a SAHD. I wouldn't need to worry about childcare as my mum has said she'd be more than happy to help me out in that aspect.
As he's not working, he'll need to get himself sorted out re. work and accommodation etc so, when I do leave, he'll not be able to look after DD until he has that in place. Long term, I'll be taking my name off the lease and living with my mum so I can save up for my own place one day.

@whattodo1975 My emotions are keeping me there...leaving last time was just so stressful and I'm not sure I can handle doing it at this time of year.

Thought I would post an update.
My plans to leave were unfortunately delayed as I crashed my car driving home from work 2 days before Christmas. The car was written off but I got out with a broken vertebrae in my back so am off work but can't lift DD on my own...I was completely reliant on H in caring for her and wasn't getting any respite by going to work.
I met my mum with my DD for a coffee in town while H had a psych video call appointment at home...I haven't been back since and am staying at my mum's house (my childhood home) in my old bedroom with DD in a travel cot at the end of my bed.
Not going to lie, my head is a mess of emotions right now but I know I've done the right thing in the long run. Can't wait til my back is fully healed and I can pick up, cuddle and play properly with my baby girl!

Sorry to hear you had an accident. I hope you are making a good recovery.

Leaving him is the right thing to do - well done.

dont go back. Don’t look back just forward now!

Nearlyb2 weeks since leaving and I feel like utter crap!
My mum is supporting me in practical ways but is very much on the "right, you've left, let's get on with things and move on!" wavelength and I'm struggling with the emotional side of things. My husband was the one who was there with a massive hug whenever I needed it. My family aren't the tactile, emotional 'huggy' type but are supportive in other ways. I feel like I've gone from one form of suffocation to another ad well as I contacted my H to arrange to meet last week...my mum came into the room after a few minutes tapping her watch telling me to hurry up and not get sucked into an in depth conversation with him. I understand that she's trying to protect me, but it feels like she's forgetting I'm a 33 year old!
Also feeling low as (because I can't life DD due to my back injury, I'm relying on my mum to get her out of the cot/high chair etc) my DD reached up when my mum came to get her up this morning, and was saying "mum mum mum mum" also said it when she was getting her out of her high chair. Worried she's forgetting who I even am now!
I told my mum to take my DD this afternoon as I just needed time away to breathe...I didn't want to come back though. I came back as my DD is everything to me.
No idea why I'm posting thus...just very overwhelmed right now.

Your mum is just trying to help although I can see it feels reductive.

Then again, why are you arranging to meet your ex? It doesn't seem wise at this stage? It's so easy to get sucked back in, especially when things are difficult and in transition. It takes many women several attempts to leave, so it's not an unfounded fear.

Sorry you're still struggling physically, I hope you're on the mend? The physical pain and inability to do what you'd normally do is bound to drag you down. Things will get better. Try to get lots of hugs in with your dd and make some plans to look forward to?

He's much older than you?
I remember your threads.
An older man who preyed on you.

OP, all this back and forth isn't helping you.

You have not been happy for a long time.

He is a manipulative man and whilst it is not ideal being with your mum, she really wants to help you move on.

I hope you feel better soon.

LATEST UPDATE AND SEEKING ADVICE
So, I've been out and I've stayed out. Feeling more independent now as I'm back to work full time again and doctor gave me permission to lift my DD again so I'm thrilled to be doing things alone with her like bathtime etc without relying on my mum picking her up for me.
I applied for child benefit a few weeks ago. When DD was born, we both agreed my ex would receive it as he wasn't working and, as a SAHD, it made sense for him to have it to get things for DD etc. I only just realised yesterday that only 1 parent could claim child benefit so we now have forms from HMRC asking questions so they can decide who should receive the child benefit. We currently have a 50/50 care arrangement for DD in place (he has her from Sunday lunchtime until Wednesday when I pick her up after work at about 5pm) so she's between 2 households. But I think they're looking for who does the majority of the caring responsibilities for her in terms of who should get the child benefit. Here's the issue:
He's still not found any form of work and is hoping to get UC to pay for his rent, council tax and bills etc (I'm still paying for all of this even though I'm not living there because we're in a joint tenancy, we both need to write to the letting agents giving 28 days notice and whoever wants to stay needs to go through credit checks to see if they'll be accepted as a single tenant - this would probably be fine for me as a full time worker, but not him as he's not in work)
I don't NEED the child benefit payments or national insurance stamps because of my salary, but I'm worried that if I'm not the one in receipt of child benefit, I won't be considered DD's 'main carer'.
My ex always claimed (and still does, as I found out yesterday) that he was DD's main carer as he was/is a SAHD and, even though we have a 50/50 care arrangement in place, because she's looked after by my mum while I'm at work for 2 of the days I have her, he's caring for her more than me and therefore has more responsibility than me. Also "why would I need £80-odd a week extra anyway" because of my salary, while he's getting nothing.

I'm tempted to send the form to HMRC saying I want to receive the child benefit and see what they come back saying. I would like to be considered DD's 'main carer' as I feel like I can provide more stability for her than my ex who isn't working and just trying to get as much help from the government as he can. He even said he doesn't want/need help finding a job, just needs help in paying the rent and bills (NEWSFLASH...that's why people work!)

Anyone got any words of advice?

Sorry, just bumping for advice and and update. I've got an appointment with a solicitor to see what I can do to get out of the tenancy agreement and start keeping my own money!

Make it clear you left a highly controlling abusive relationship and his being a sahd was a part of that.
He wanted you to work and insisted upon it.

Do not allow him to control you via your daughter.

You owe this predator nothing.

@billy1966 oh, believe me, I'll be playing the domestic abuse card (not that this is a game or anything)
He had a go at me yesterday when I picked up DD after work asking if I'd sent away my form applying for child benefit. When I said I had, he said he was going to send away some form (didn't say what kind of form) and I would get a letter from a solicitor and that he was going to fight this (I'm pretty sure he's bluffing as he didn't specify the form and he can't afford a solicitor). He also said I've totally f*d him over by doing this as I have an income and don't need the child benefit, whereas the child benefit is his only way to pay for food and clothes for DD and I'm taking that away from him.
It's true, I don't NEED the child benefit as my income can cover all of DD's needs and then some, but surely I'm as entitled to it as he is? Also, he's f**g me over by not getting himself sorted, letting us end the tenancy agreement so I can stop paying rent on a house I'm not even living in anymore!

He doesn't know I'm meeting with a solicitor next week and I'm going to keep that under my hat...in the meantime my mum has suggested she pick up DD at the end of the day on Wednesdays so that's one less encounter with a manipulator that I REALLY don't need causing me stress!