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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's married, isn't he?

47 replies

OLDanonymous · 09/11/2022 20:26

So I'm new to this Online dating world. A few months out of a long marriage following infidelity (on my husbands side) and going through the divorce.

Bolstered by my friends and some wine I set up an online dating profile a couple of weeks ago.

Immediately clicked with a guy, we chat via WhatsApp everyday. He's funny, engaging and always very interested in me. He's shared pics of his children with me and talks about his work etc...

I don't know what it is but the last few days I have wondered if he could be hiding something. Nothing specific but I notice messages often come in a flurry or it's very quiet and brief.

He's asked to meet me a couple of times but I have had a lot on so have had to say no but would love to next week. He said he's happy to wait.

Tonight we arranged to speak on the phone. I messaged him to say "im free when you are" and he messaged back to say he was on the phone to his best mate and it wasn't likely to be a quick call as it was a "deep" chat...

Said he's gutted as he's waited what feels like forever to hear my voice.

For reference he also mentioned he was with his best mate for dinner last night, so seems a bit strange to be on a long call now, but that's not my business I guess.

My STBXH cheated on me and also used online dating sites to meet women so my hackles are up. But these red flags are truly here aren't they?

OP posts:
StrangerOnline · 09/11/2022 20:29

I don’t see an obvious red flag at this point - just a person with a life

PritiPatelsMaker · 09/11/2022 20:30

He's not definitely cheating and it's been a long time since I was on the dating scene but not being available to chat on the phone can be a sign unfortunately.

badassbaby · 09/11/2022 20:31

StrangerOnline · 09/11/2022 20:29

I don’t see an obvious red flag at this point - just a person with a life

Perhaps his friend is having problems?

frazzledasarock · 09/11/2022 20:31

Have you looked him up on other social media?

I’d find his behaviour odd too.

AutisticLegoLover · 09/11/2022 20:34

I'd view him showing photos of his children to a stranger on the internet as a red flag. He's not even met you yet. Hell, not even spoken to you. He sounds intense. I don't believe the stuff about his friend either. Next!

Original poster
OLDanonymous · 09/11/2022 20:36

No I haven't looked him up on social media, I don't have his full name and he has quite a common first name.

I am starting to think maybe all this is a bit too soon for me, maybe I'm not ready to put myself out there just yet if I'm already worrying like this over someone I haven't even met yet!

We were meant to talk on the phone at 7 and still nothing. It was him who was really keen to arrange the call...

OP posts:
greeandorange · 09/11/2022 20:39

I can feel your nerves through your post, he is putting you on edge and your senses are alert.

Just for your own sanity I think I'd say walk away. I'm not sure your friends were right to put you in this situation yet. Maybe take some time out and look after yourself.

Naunet · 09/11/2022 20:40

I think you’re right to make a mental note of it, but I don’t think there’s enough to conclude he’s married.
I don’t have facebook, but can’t you search someone’s phone number on there?

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/11/2022 20:45

Considering you’re the one who keeps on being too busy to meet up, it would be more likely that he thinks you’re the married one hiding something, surely?

I can’t imagine concluding that somebody must be married because they had to reschedule a phone-call to help a friend, but it’s ultimately up to you what you believe.

ChimChimeny · 09/11/2022 20:49

Just for your own sanity I think I'd say walk away. I'm not sure your friends were right to put you in this situation yet. Maybe take some time out and look after yourself.

I have to agree with this, a 'few months out of a long marriage ' doesn't seem long enough to the scary world of OLD

Original poster
OLDanonymous · 09/11/2022 20:54

I have two young children and childcare is an issue at the moment - as in I don't have any right now Smile (though is soon set to change next week!)

I did acknowledge to him that possibly I had joined OLD a little too soon and said I understood if he didn't want to continue talking until I was a bit more physically available but he was adamant it wasn't an issue.

I don't know, just a feeling. I am pretty sure he blocked me on WhatsApp the other day as his profile picture vanished and ticks weren't showing...

It all seems like too much thought right now and as someone has kindly said, I think I'm probably too soon out of a marriage for the OLD world - which really does feel scary!

Thankyou all x x

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 09/11/2022 20:56

I don't see any red flags.

Suzi888 · 09/11/2022 20:57

I don’t like the sound of it, blocking you on WhatsApp, unable to make calls. Something is amiss, it already sounds like hard work!

Heyhoniddy · 09/11/2022 20:59

Waited for ages to hear your voice

blurgh

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 09/11/2022 20:59

OP sorry but it sounds like your not ready to date someone else. Trusting someone new will be difficult and there will be a few muppets but not every male is bad. I would back off for a bit if your feeling this worried already

minticecreamisjustok · 09/11/2022 21:01

I think you jumping to conclusions that he is married because this is he way your ex was but he is a complete stranger so anything is possible. If he arranged to call at 7 and you're still waiting, I probably would be a bit disappointed he hasn't stuck to his word, any signs of flakiness means they aren't that serious about meeting. Blocking you on WhatsApp is weird behaviour. Honestly when I was OLD I went through so many chats, hardly any actually made it to a date. Even then on the date, most times you won't fancy them! Don't over think it and don't take it too seriously.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 09/11/2022 21:03

Use Duplichecker or Tineye or Google reverse image search and get some more info on hm? Twitter, instagram, Linkedin and FB can all be good sources of information.

PWV · 09/11/2022 21:04

Put his number into Facebook. Get insta and ticktock - it will tell you if he is on there.

One bloke I dated (once) turned out to be married. I knew because he would message all day and then hardly anything in the evenings (with excuses) or at weekend. I called him out and he admitted it.

Original poster
OLDanonymous · 09/11/2022 21:04

Heyhoniddy · 09/11/2022 20:59

Waited for ages to hear your voice

blurgh

I have to say I thought the same!!

OP posts:
Flippanty · 09/11/2022 21:10

The WhatsApp blocking is a whole banner rather than flag! I think your guts telling you something’s wrong.

Madeyoulook · 09/11/2022 21:15

He could call his best mate later couldn’t he?

Unavailable in the evening is definitely a red flag.

Musti · 09/11/2022 21:18

Yeah a red flag. He could chat with you and then his mate. And blocking you on WhatsApp is to make sure your messages didn’t come through when he is with his wife.

Original poster
OLDanonymous · 09/11/2022 21:21

I'm glad it's not just me that thinks this, and if I have got it all wrong then maybe it's just a sign I'm not ready for all of this...

No word from him since the message earlier to say he's having a deep chat with his pal etc. he was very keen to talk so I suspect something at home changed and he now wasn't alone like he was expecting to be x

OP posts:
FlopsyMopsyCo · 09/11/2022 21:22

If he still hasn't called after saying he would at 7pm then that would be enough for me. Block and move on OP!

DavidEvansUK · 09/11/2022 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit