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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband said I have useless and worthless

58 replies

AllIneedislove1314 · 09/11/2022 19:28

Hi all, I am new here. Something happened today that really upsets me and I really want to find someone to talk to.

My husband and I had an argument today, started off from something related to work (we run our own business together). He is a very self-centred man, he thinks he is a very intelligent and I am out of his league. Probably because he was graduated from a prestige school and had a very good start in his career. On the other hand, I am just an average university graduate from an average family.

He said arguing with me was insulting his intelligence. In the heat of our argument, he told me I am useless, I am worthless, I have amde no contribution to anyone at all and if I die today, the only person who feel sorry would be my mum and my son. So basically he made me feel like I am almost worse than a piece of garbage.

I was so upset when he said that so I jumped off his car (we were at a traffic light).

I admit I am not as smart as him and I do not really have any special achievement. I don't even have a hobby that I love to pursue. But I sacrifice all my time to his business and our family, I am not allowed to do what I really like.

What kind of husband would say something so insulting and nasty to his wife?

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 09/11/2022 20:18

He is an abuser.

Sittingonabench · 09/11/2022 20:19

He sounds terrible! He has shown he has absolutely no respect for you and that is the deathnell of any relationship let alone husband and wife. Don’t let his words affect your opinion of yourself or how you feel and get yourself away from him

Thelnebriati · 09/11/2022 20:25

He runs the front office I run the back office if that makes sense. He is the decision maker, I am responsible for all tedious work like admins, accounts, running our website etc.

Yes that makes sense. He has the big ideas and he expects others to make them work. He is up front and takes the credit.
If you left, he'd have to hire staff to take over your role.

BankseyVest · 09/11/2022 20:26

Well if he says you're useless then take him at his word, let him sort his own shit out and start to make your exit plan. Seriously OP, he's abusive and your life will be so much better without him in it

CheekyHobson · 09/11/2022 20:31

He runs the front office I run the back office if that makes sense. He is the decision maker, I am responsible for all tedious work like admins, accounts, running our website etc.

You do recognise he literally couldn’t run the business without you and that you would be entitled to an equal share of all assets, don’t you? The only reason he wants you to believe you are useless, worthless and nobody cares about you is that he is terrified by the power you have to destroy his business, ease of life and reputation. He wants you quiet, grateful for the crumbs he tosses you, insecure and desperate to please him.

Original poster
AllIneedislove1314 · 09/11/2022 20:34

Dear all,

Thank you so much for being so supportive and so kind. You are all right about him, and I know he won't change. I have thought about leaving him all the time but time and time I forgive him. 😞

OP posts:
YoungYankee · 09/11/2022 20:34

What an emotionally abusive horrible man. His words are not true and say nothing about you and everything about him. You don't deserve to be in an abusive relationship.

Original poster
AllIneedislove1314 · 09/11/2022 20:36

CheekyHobson · 09/11/2022 20:31

He runs the front office I run the back office if that makes sense. He is the decision maker, I am responsible for all tedious work like admins, accounts, running our website etc.

You do recognise he literally couldn’t run the business without you and that you would be entitled to an equal share of all assets, don’t you? The only reason he wants you to believe you are useless, worthless and nobody cares about you is that he is terrified by the power you have to destroy his business, ease of life and reputation. He wants you quiet, grateful for the crumbs he tosses you, insecure and desperate to please him.

That's very true. Guess he knows that too, just doesn't want to admit it.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2022 20:38

You have a son. Do not let this man further be his primary male role model.

How can you be helped here into leaving your (and in turn your son's) abuser?.

RandomMess · 09/11/2022 20:40

Absolutely look at how the business is set up and ensure you are an equal partner/share holder etc - get legal advice so when you leave you still own half the business and have employment still.

Oblomov22 · 09/11/2022 20:40

You are in an abusive relationship. How did you not know that?

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 09/11/2022 20:41

Sounds like my first partner.

Looked down on me because I didn't understand theoretical or computational physics, I'd given up learning German and was clearly an idiotic mindless peon who woke up at 3 am, out by 4 am and at work by 5am to support him in university.

He was objectively smart, but socially he was just a massive cunt. To me specifically. Not to his university peers though.

Find happiness. Whatever you do in life it should be for your own pleasure and wellness. If he thinks you're useless, go be useless and carefree and joyous and exemplary and amazing in your own world, living your own life, that he's not involved in. Then he doesn't need to be involved in your uselessness, and he can sit and dwell in his cuntery.

Don't let him the authority of your self worth.

BeautifulWar · 09/11/2022 20:44

Well at least you're not a cunt like he is.

What he said was unforgivable.

Saturdaysunrise · 09/11/2022 20:45

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Quitelikeit · 09/11/2022 21:21

What a disgusting pathetic excuse of a man

I hope you have asked for an apology?

please put your foot down?!

what attracted him to you if you are so useless!!

ReneBumsWombats · 09/11/2022 21:32

He doesn't sound very smart.

LynetteScavo · 09/11/2022 21:54

He maybe academic and had privileged education, but his emotional intelligence is and kindness are woeful.

I'm not sure how you come back from what he said. I'm sorry.

Original poster
AllIneedislove1314 · 09/11/2022 23:55

Quitelikeit · 09/11/2022 21:21

What a disgusting pathetic excuse of a man

I hope you have asked for an apology?

please put your foot down?!

what attracted him to you if you are so useless!!

He will never never apologise because he is always right

OP posts:
Tsort · 10/11/2022 00:04

Are you in and from the U.K., OP? As this is an obvious LTB, but I’m wondering if there’s a reason that doesn’t seem to be an option.

Tallisimo · 10/11/2022 00:08

You are not ALLOWED to do any thing you would really like?
This is all kinds of wrong.

Pinkbonbon · 10/11/2022 02:05

Echoing others, get yourself out before your son thinks he can copy his fathers behaviour towards women and they'll just stand around and take it. Or, that if people treat him that way, he should stay and tolerate it also.

Life is too short to waste with a bully.

Weatherwax13 · 10/11/2022 02:40

There's no coming back from that. Even if he fell on his knees and begged forgiveness you'd never forget those words.

DivorcingEU · 10/11/2022 03:26

OP he's a horrible man. And psychologically dangerous. He just pulverised you, but with words.

When he opened his mouth, he intended to really hurt you. He was in full control of what he said.

Just like he's in pretty full control of your life.

He does not see you as AllIneedislove1314. He does not see you. As person you don't exist as a separate individual to him and his wants. You are merely his service human. You forgive him, but you think you have the autonomy to do that. You actually don't. He's got you in a position where deep down you've believed that your existence depends on you forgiving him. Of keeping him happy. Of staying with him.

It doesn't. But the very fact you're posting about this, rather than posting "how do I leave" is proof you don't yet believe that this is unacceptable behaviour.

I'm not criticising you in any way. I'm in a very similar situation. Years of psychological abuse, of making me feel less than, of telling me I'm less than him, me academics are t as good as his, my job wasn't as good and so in, really destroys something inside.

He would never ever speak to a client the way he speaks to you. So he can control his mouth. This man needs to psychologically destroy you for his own feelings of self-worth. If he needed to beat you to a pulp in order to feel good, it would be the same, only you'd have physical evidence.

Do whatever you can to get out asap. Prepare quietly, don't let him know. But don't let him destroy you any more. He does not deserve your forgiveness AND we do not need to forgive anybody anyway. Especially when they deliberately hurt us.

CheekyHobson · 10/11/2022 05:00

This man needs to psychologically destroy you for his own feelings of self-worth.

So true. My ex used to go off on rants at me, accusing me of being a horrible person. Later, when he had calmed down and I wanted to address the awful things he had said, he would brush it off and say he was just mad and didn’t mean it. He couldn’t stand by what he said but he said it anyway because he wanted to make me feel small and himself feel big in comparison.

Now, I could have said a lot of critical things to him that were absolutely true and I would have been standing by them to this day. But I didn’t. Because I didn’t feel the need to make him feel small (or waste my breath on to someone who didn’t respect me enough to listen).I realised that my power lay in simply walking away with dignity from someone who wasn’t capable of appreciating what I offered.

autienotnaughty · 10/11/2022 05:05

1, leave
2, get some counselling for your self esteem
3, be happy