How many people is it acceptable to date?

[Theonlywayisup1]

After coming out of a 10 year relationship earlier this year, and taking time to process the end of that, I have just started to ‘date’ again. I’ve been incredibly lucky to have a number of chaps show an interest and want to meet up for drinks etc.

The question is, is it acceptable to date more that one person at once? I am totally single, but it feels wrong to go out with more than one person?

I wasn't.

And it's ironic you accusing Gilded of stooping to insults when you write the way you do on this forum.

When it's extremely early days like this, no - it's not necessary and I doubt they would either.

check if their well crafted online persona is more substantial than rice paper

Where do you find these well crafted online personas?

It’s unlikely that someone would ask if I’m dating other people so early on right?

A lot of them ask how I've been finding OLD. I'm usually fairly vague, "well, it's certainly been interesting, had a few dates, but not met anyone I've really clicked with yet."

You can bet your bottom dollar that most of the men will be acting like kids in a sweet shop, and certainly won’t be wondering about whether they should be exclusive from a first date. When I was on OLD I treated the first date - usually a coffee or a drink - as a kind of meet and greet - a chance to meet up with someone you’d never normally have met, rather than sizing them up as potential marriage material. You’re not exclusive until you’ve had ‘the chat’ so go and meet anyone you think might be a fun, nice, date. I met my DP on OLD though wasn’t exclusive for about the first month, though I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else.

Surprised by some of the replies on here. Dating isnt going out with someone, it's not a relationshipship. Its dating them, very casual

If I were youd I'd date as many as you felt comfortable with OP

If you still feel like you'd like to meet the others, do it. If anyone asks whether you're dating others don't lie, but I wouldn't offer that information or expect to be offered it. There needs to be a level of discretion involved in the early stages.

I suppose what I meant was that if someone really grabs your attention and seems equally keen rather than just seeming like a solid 'maybe' straight away, that might be when to hold off organising any more dates with others and give them a real chance. As long as you're not being dishonest or breaking exclusivity then you're fine. I suppose it's impossible to say if someone's a real long term possibility so early on, but it's quite rare even getting a good connection hence suggesting giving it a chance rather than keeping your options open. I found it was easy to get fatigued and flaky having ongoing first dates and some people fell by the wayside because of that.

Don't get sucked into the sweet shop mentality if you meet someone you like and they like you.

Oh they’re out there EBearhug and they seem normal and friendly and nice, until you meet… then they’re uncouth and abusive on text when you decide one date was not enough…

Still, posting his aggressive response (to my polite not thank you to a second date) on the office whiteboard was hilarious fun for my colleagues. They spent a summer afternoon sticking up
post-its with possible replies!

Oh they’re out there EBearhug and they seem normal and friendly and nice, until you meet…

Not sure I'm looking in the right places, then...

bit of an update. Not sure if it’s due to the age of these guys (the 3 front runners are all 37-39) but all message/call daily, and all actually seem really genuine and keen. They’ve started to ask questions like ‘do you see yourself settling again soon’, and all have asked to do sweet festive things. As much as I’m very much single, I can tell that all of these guys are looking for something genuine. I’ve not been physical with any one of them, but should I tell them they have a one in three chance or just keep quiet and work out which one I get a good vibe about? Although I’ve done nothing wrong at all, I do feel a bit out of order for getting to know all 3 at the same time?

There are no 'shoulds' because the only authority on the subject of how you should go about things is you.

Don't do things that make you feel out of order. Your feelings are your principles. Why would you choose not to follow them?

Bear in mind also they will say what they think you want to hear so I would take all that with a pinch of salt at this stage.

It's only been what, a week? Surely you wouldn't expect them to commit to you after a week? Give it a bit more time. Also they may well be terrible at kissing, etc., if you've not that yet.

I've found some people very attentive initially, but after a month or so it's become clear they're not actually that interested in getting to know me, they're just of an age where they want a mortgage, marriage and babies and dating is a tick box exercise to them. Cracks take a while to show.

Alternatively, if you really only want to date one person at a time, could you say to two of them that you're very busy the next few weeks but you'd love to meet up on {insert date}? They don't need to know that you're busy with dates...

Just keep dating them and get to know them. All guys are like that at the beginning. Go by actions over time.

Telling them they have a one in three chance would be a horrible, and arrogant, thing to say. Bearing in mind that you will also be one of a few quite possibly for them.

Agreed. Unless they specifically ask if you're seeing others, keep quiet. You don't owe them this info. Men have no qualms about doing the same, so why should you sabotage yourself out of guilt? Keep shush.

I was a bit shocked when a male colleague showed me his spreadsheet for his dates - names, where he went and date of it, a few lines on each.

I usually only lined up one at a time so felt a bit depressed that the blokes I met might be running a field of dates.

But no there's nothing wrong with it at the outset.

Pretty much this (unless you're openly telling everyone involved you're sleeping with others, you're all getting tested and using condoms etc - but I don't think that a polyamory-lite scenario is what you're after!)

Also, by physical I mean 'more than kissing' - kissing multiple people is fine in my book.

I was a bit shocked when a male colleague showed me his spreadsheet for his dates - names, where he went and date of it, a few lines on each.

I had a spreadsheet, too. I still have, I just don't really have much spare time this side of Christmas. But I needed to be able to distinguish between all the Mikes and Daves and Petes and Paul's and Simons.

To be honest I do not have the time to multi-date, I would talk to a few at once go on a couple of dates and then just let it go if I felt it wasn't going anywhere. Its important to have strong boundaries and have a firm idea of what you want. I met my current partner OLD, we spoke for a while before meeting, and hung out a few times then decided we weren't going to pursue others, it was pretty natural.

I’ve just been out of a day date with one of them, it’s not there for me! Defo a lesson that sober dates are important as when we went out for a couple of drinks I thought he was great! From now on day dates might be the way forward!!

That's a smart strategy, @Theonlywayisup1!

Also, if you have to get back to work, then that's helpful with bad dates, and if it goes well, a good reason for a second date.