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Original poster

How many people is it acceptable to date?

73 replies

Theonlywayisup1 · 09/11/2022 15:22

After coming out of a 10 year relationship earlier this year, and taking time to process the end of that, I have just started to ‘date’ again. I’ve been incredibly lucky to have a number of chaps show an interest and want to meet up for drinks etc.

The question is, is it acceptable to date more that one person at once? I am totally single, but it feels wrong to go out with more than one person?

OP posts:
Lastqueenofscotland2 · 10/11/2022 10:58

MolliciousIntent · 09/11/2022 15:24

In my opinion you can go on as many first dates as you like with however much overlap and that's fine. Once you get to multiple dates with one person, you need to press pause on everyone else.

I agree with this

Watchkeys · 10/11/2022 14:16

Theonlywayisup1 · 10/11/2022 07:04

Ahh it’s such a minefield! But sounds like meeting more than one person is fine as long as not physical, but once things get intimate just stick to one person until they either get the thumbs up or the thumbs down?!

It's not a minefield, because there are no rules, so you can't get it wrong. If someone has different views from you, or thinks you're doing it wrong, then the two of you are not compatible.

What you're saying is like saying that going into town is a minefield, because there are so many different roads you could take. But it's only a problem if you don't know where you're going and you wish you did. It's fine to wander, lost, as long as you know where home is. It's fine to want to find the library, as long as you have a means of navigating there. It's not a minefield; you decide what you want, and you do it.

So, do you want to date multiple partners? Do it. No minefield. Anybody who doesn't like it, that's fine. They don't have to stick around. Want to date one person at a time? Do it. No minefield. Anyone who doesn't like it doesn't have to stick around. Not sure what you want? Try one, and if it works for you, great. If not, try the other.

What mines do you foresee, OP? How could any of this blow up in your face? What might go wrong?

emptythelitterbox · 10/11/2022 14:25

Go out with as many as you want to. Most won't make it past one or two dates anyway.

You wouldn't just apply to one job and that's it. You'd never find another job that way.

Date a lot and eventually someone will really stand out.

Melonapplepear · 10/11/2022 14:58

Fine in early stages. I however cant even find one I want to see again, let alone multiple 😭🤣

arethereanyleftatall · 10/11/2022 15:41

Are you Online dating op? Because if that's the case, meeting up with someone you 'matched' with online isn't dating them. It's meeting up with them to see if you want to date them. And they you. In which case it's absolutely fine to meet a few at a time. In fact, if you're one of those people who like to spend time getting ready for a first time meet up, and need to organise a babysitter, then it makes absolute sense to have them one after the other!

Watchkeys · 10/11/2022 16:00

Are you Online dating op? Because if that's the case, meeting up with someone you 'matched' with online isn't dating them

Some people would call that a date. My partner and I did. Just because you think it, @arethereanyleftatall , doesn't make it 'The rules OP can use as guidance'.

Newusername21 · 10/11/2022 16:41

I think there's only one answer here.

Do what YOU feel comfortable with.

It's clear there are many different views on this and the rights and wrongs of online dating are a minefield. At the end of the day you can only do what's right for you.
If others are having multiple dates in a day - it doesn't necessarily mean that's what you should do.

It's normal to have multiple matches to start with. If you only meet one at a time - the chances are the others will still be on the same app later if the first guy doesn't work out. It's entirely up to YOU how you manage this.

LittleRedYarny · 10/11/2022 17:00

Watchkeys · 09/11/2022 15:27

If it feels wrong, don't do it. Rule 1 for self respect.

It might feel wrong for some to pass up dates when 3 are offered at once, but that's someone else's 'self', and you don't need to respect it.

Can you answer this: Who decides what's 'acceptable' and 'unacceptable' in life?

I think Watchkeys has it spot on, trying to be someone or do things that just aren’t you will only end in feeling uncomfortable at best and disaster at worst.

However, should you feel comfortable with it, there is no harm on going on first dates to gauge compatibility (and to check if their well crafted online persona is more substantial than rice paper) with multiple guys that take your fancy. I kinda think of it like speed dating - you wouldn’t feel guilty talking to multiple guys at a speed dating evening so don’t feel terrible for going for coffees with multiple guys. It’s just you’re not doing it all in the same place on the same night.

Gildedbrooks · 10/11/2022 17:02

Date as many people as you like and eventually you'll naturally veer towards one over the other when the time feels right for you. In the interest of fairness I think it would be good to disclose that you are dating others upfront too.

I met my husband on Tinder and in fairness only swiped on him and one other guy. The other guy and I have lots of conversation but only met once in person after I'd already started dating my husband (about six weeks and 10 dates in) I did disclose it to my husband at the time - he wasn't pleased at all - I think it did spur him on though to ask for exclusivity and well now we're married. Both my husband and this guy were chalk and cheese and in fairness the other guy was probably more handsome on paper - but my husband was more emotionally and intellectually stimulating as well as being attractive to me, so here the forerunner will present themselves eventually until then date and have fun!!

Watchkeys · 10/11/2022 17:11

In the interest of fairness I think it would be good to disclose that you are dating others upfront too

It's not 'fair' to feel you have to divulge information about yourself if you don't want to. Nobody needs to know anything about you unless you feel like telling them. It would be unfair to claim that you weren't dating others when you were, but there's no obligation to tell them/not tell them anything at all.

LemonDrop22 · 10/11/2022 17:30

Watchkeys · 09/11/2022 15:52

Well, if there's a broad range it's very likely they'll be the other way too. What you're saying doesn't make sense. You're insinuating that most people date 'anyone they fancy who they get the chance with' whilst accepting that many won't.

Casual sexist dig, by the looks of it.

Show quote history

There may not be a broad range.

That's your theory.

Men on old (presuming that's where op has got in touch with them) tends towards the .... Scattergun end of things.

Not sure what's sexist about pointing out typical old dating behaviour.

Gildedbrooks · 10/11/2022 17:43

Watchkeys · 10/11/2022 17:11

In the interest of fairness I think it would be good to disclose that you are dating others upfront too

It's not 'fair' to feel you have to divulge information about yourself if you don't want to. Nobody needs to know anything about you unless you feel like telling them. It would be unfair to claim that you weren't dating others when you were, but there's no obligation to tell them/not tell them anything at all.

In your opinion.

Mine differs.

Watchkeys · 10/11/2022 17:45

Not sure what's sexist about pointing out typical old dating behaviour

It's that, when given as advice, it tars lots of people with the same brush.

But don't worry. You don't have to be sure why it's sexist.

Watchkeys · 10/11/2022 17:47

Gildedbrooks · 10/11/2022 17:43

In your opinion.

Mine differs.

Show quote history

You think that we should, out of fairness, tell people things about ourselves that we don't want to?

Yes, you're right, our opinions do differ. Mine represent strong personal boundaries, yours represent deferring to an external locus of 'fairness' that doesn't objectively exist.

But we're all entitled to post.

Gildedbrooks · 10/11/2022 17:49

Watchkeys · 10/11/2022 17:47

You think that we should, out of fairness, tell people things about ourselves that we don't want to?

Yes, you're right, our opinions do differ. Mine represent strong personal boundaries, yours represent deferring to an external locus of 'fairness' that doesn't objectively exist.

But we're all entitled to post.

Show quote history

I think you should take your own advice and accept that we all have our own ways of doing things.

Or are you a giant hypocrite. Don't answer that, it's already clear.

Watchkeys · 10/11/2022 17:51

@Gildedbrooks

Thanks for the insult. Shame you felt the need to stoop so low as to get personal, but we all have our own ways of doing things.

Melonapplepear · 10/11/2022 17:53

Watchkeys · 10/11/2022 16:00

Are you Online dating op? Because if that's the case, meeting up with someone you 'matched' with online isn't dating them

Some people would call that a date. My partner and I did. Just because you think it, @arethereanyleftatall , doesn't make it 'The rules OP can use as guidance'.

Surely that's just a sensible way to go about meeting online strangers?

Watchkeys · 10/11/2022 17:57

@Melonapplepear

I suppose it depends on how well you've got to know each other before you meet. It's all quite fluid, though - some would call meeting for coffee having met online a date, some wouldn't. My point was that one person can't say 'I wouldn't call that a date!' and expect everyone else to be living by the same metric. It doesn't matter what you call it; if you're a compatible couple, it can be a coffee, a date, a flying fandoodle, whatever. You'll have a lovely time and want to see each other again, and presumably at some point have a discussion and make some decisions about exclusivity together. It's not about what you call it, it's about being on the same page.

Hottimesahead · 10/11/2022 18:06

Yeah do it. It’s a first date not marriage. I used to date multiples with no issues. Likely only a few first dates will lead to a second, so no point putting eggs in one basket. I did stop dating multiples if the dates went into 4th and more. Well pause my profile. If I started having sex with the dates I wouldn’t date multiples as it didn’t feel right. I was a serial dater for a while.

but with current partner I went on one date and really wasn’t keen on chatting or dating others, so cancelled them. Just didn’t feel right to do that with him. I deleted my profile not long after without telling him. Suppose he was the one I was looking for and hopefully my last swipe

RandomMusings7 · 10/11/2022 18:12

My personal rule is date as many as you like as long as there is no intimacy or exclusivity talk with any of them. So usually first and second dates are fair game. If I went on 3+ dates with someone that was a sign there was potential there so at thar point I would consider putting the others on hold

But for first dates I has no shame. I once left a date and ran to the other side of the city straight to another one lol. I found scheduling two short dates on the same day was so efficient cause I would only have to make myself pretty once and it would free up my days for the stuff.

RandomMusings7 · 10/11/2022 18:13

For other stuff*

LemonDrop22 · 10/11/2022 18:23

Watchkeys · 10/11/2022 17:45

Not sure what's sexist about pointing out typical old dating behaviour

It's that, when given as advice, it tars lots of people with the same brush.

But don't worry. You don't have to be sure why it's sexist.

Lots of people's behaviour on old is similar ..... so that would be accurate.

And as for not having to be sure ...... You appear to not pick up on subtlety.

LemonDrop22 · 10/11/2022 18:24

And who needs you to sarcastically tell them not to worry?

Watchkeys · 10/11/2022 19:05

Don't worry about it, Lemondrop.

Original poster
Theonlywayisup1 · 10/11/2022 21:13

Just to clarify, it really is a mixture. Some I’ve met out (in a bar etc), some I’ve known for years, some OLD (but have been messaging for a while, as only felt ‘ready’ recently). I’ve been out with one once so far, he has asked to see me again, and his communication is good and seems keen, however I want to meet the others in a date situation to see what’s what. I just don’t want to upset anyone. The guy I have been out with ticks all boxes, so I don’t want to mess it up as there’s a chance I won’t like the others half as much, but then there’s a chance I will. Perhaps I’ll just meet them and not mention it. It’s unlikely that someone would ask if I’m dating other people so early on right? I certainly wouldn’t anyway.

OP posts: