Partner sending selfies ?

[anxiousweewill]

Things aren't great between my partner and me at the moment. We have children from previous relationships and one together.

I feel like he's very cold and distant and we spoke this morning regarding this. It turns into a bit of a heated argument.

Meanwhile, I had a look at his messages because I saw him texting a girl yesterday. I know this is awful, I have trust issues I know. I haven't had a great track record with men and also my dad, mum and brother have all had affairs so I am just very sensitive to this.

The girl is someone he used to work with. They had planned to meet this week for a drink to talk work. Okay fine.

The thing that has upset me is that he's sent a picture of himself to her, on the tube saying 'on the tube' and she's love hearted it and then sent lots of love hearts.

I asked him what his plans were today and he gave me a detailed plan of the meetings etc but didn't mention he was meeting with this old colleague.

Am I over reacting? Or is this crossing a line? Sometimes I just need someone to talk some sense into me!

Thank you xx

Wow... no you are not over reacting. Leave now before you get hurt x

You're not overreacting.

The selfie by itself strikes me as a bit odd - but without kowing the guy maybe it's something he does. Taken with the multiple love hearts and leaving this meeting out of his description of the day however paints a different story

I am unsure how I speak to him regarding this.

I saw him messaging her yesterday but I didn't ask who she was as I obviously trust him.

I don't want him to know that I have looked on his laptop at his WhatsApp really...

Why do you care what he thinks ? He clearly isn't concerned about your feelings ? Sorry to be harsh but I have been where you are and it never ends good, you need to confront him ? Regardless how how he reacts?

@lucie333 I guess I just want to give him a chance. He's not done anything in our relationship before to make me think he is unfaithful etc. he worked very closely with her and other people; without giving too much away he toured a lot with them.

No way! Big red flags.

How would he like it if you did the same to a guy you knew?

@GonnaGetGoingReturns to be honest I don't think he'd care much! He's not really like that.

I have done some digging and they were super close friends by the looks of it. Nothing funny has gone on between them in the past etc. my partner has never done anything like this from what I know. I just feel sad and sensitive

Entirely up to you what you'd do.

A bit different as you have children together.

You could just keep an eye on this or just leave it or leave him.

Are you married?

You obviously don't trust him and that is ok. Perhaps nothing untoward has happened and he's harmlessly flirting or lacks boundaries in general and doesn't see the harm.

Either way, you need to talk about it.

@GonnaGetGoingReturns not married no

I think he would care that much if it were similar!

Lots of men I know hate it if another man encroaches on their territory woman wise. They might say/act like they don't care, but they do deep down...

Agreed with @BecauseICan22 says talk to him.

I'd maybe see about marriage or civil partnership to legally safeguard you in the future (I'm ex legal sec used to work with divorce/matrimonial cases).

I guess I am not sure how to speak to him about it because I'd rather he not know that I know the password for his laptop etc. so I'm stuck really

Turn up at their meeting point.

Am I over reacting? Or is this crossing a line? Sometimes I just need someone to talk some sense into me

This is all coming from the point of view that there's a 'correct' way to behave. There is no external arbiter, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' in terms of what we don't like about people's behaviour. It's a bit like saying 'I don't like strawberries; am I just being silly?' Not liking them doesn't mean you're accusing them of doing something wrong, and it doesn't mean you're crossing any lines. Not eating them just means you're respecting your own boundaries.

You're in a similar situation now: he's doing something you don't like (I think we'd mostly class it as something we didn't like in our relationships too, but this is yours, so your feelings are the only ones that matter), and your feelings must be respected.

If you're checking his phone, you don't trust him. So your relationship isn't healthy, regardless of whether he's being unfaithful or you can't trust. Have you talked to him about feeling insecure, ever?

Talking to your partner about trust doesn't have to involve 'I looked on your laptop'. You can tell him you're struggling, you can tell him you're uncomfortable with his friendship with xyz from work, you can tell him that you need to know how he feels.

@Watchkeys I have done all this. He knows how I am feeling at the moment- I have spoken to him just this morning about it.

OK good. And how did you feel having spoken to him? How did he talk to you? Was he good to you? Was he defensive? Did he make you feel you were making a mountain out of a molehill?

It could be they are just really good friends. Have you ever expressed a problem with them being friends or working together in the past? So any reason he wouldn't want you to know they met up?
Because if not, its very odd he left out their meeting up out of his conversation with you about his day. I'd of thought it would have been a pretty sigificant event - lunch with a really good friend.
Are the selfies unusual for him? And is she the sort who has previously used lots of emojis in her messages (some people are just really gushy) .

I don't think you need to let him know you've seen this on his laptop. But I would certainly be keeping an eye on any further messages.

When he is back ask him about his day. See if he mentions his lunch meetup.

If he does not, I'd be inclined to chat about my day and say you'd had lunch with (insert friend or family memebr of choice). If its all innocent and wasn't that important to him, the reflex would be for him to say 'oh yeah, I met claire for lunch today to chat about a new project' or something.

If however, he still omits to mention his lunch meet, after you've been specifically chatting about your lunch, thats when I think you may need to be a bit concerned its not all innocent.

I would randomly turn up at the place with a friend for a drink. I would not let him
kniw you know the password.

Then you would be running your relationship as if it were a detective agency, which is not healthy.

I would turn up or watch from a distance at how they interact. Or wait for the after drinks messages to come through. You will soon know.

Spying? Great advice. Super healthy interaction between the partners.

OP, if you can't talk to him and trust his response, there's no need for all this. The relationship's over. And if you can, do.

Some PPs think they're writing an Eastenders plot.

Op I'd watch for the after drink messages too, you'll get more a feel then. Or they'll be deleted, either way I'd keep your powder dry for now.

There's a textbook 'right' way to handle this (ie don't snoop, you clearly don't trust him so leave/talk to him/do the same back!) Or there's the 'you're only human' approach which is less head in the clouds and might actually give you some answers. I know which I'd pick, I too would need to find out, and if that made me morally wrong on some level, so be it.

I wouldn't ever let on that you have access to his laptop though or else you'll find it harder to find out

I once read that it was a bad sign if a partner was saying (texting would count) things to someone else, that they wouldn't want their partner to see. With that in mind, why would he be talking to a girl/arranging to meet her, without telling you about it and being clear up front? I'd follow the advice of talking about your day, and if he doesn't mention meeting her, I'd unfortunately assume the worst.