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Original poster

Is it always a game of power?

27 replies

Chorizomoon · 09/11/2022 08:27

Hello
Just wanted to see what peoples thoughts were on this one because I’ve woken up confused again.

About six months ago I met someone at the hobby I do, and we ended up sleeping together (there was an event for the hobby and everyone was staying in the same hotel etc). It was all fine and I thought a bit of fun, we made friends in a group, exchanged social media etc. Me and this man live a long way apart but casually kept in touch.

Two months ago there was another meet up where things progressed and he tried it on again. I explained that although I thought he was brilliant, Id been having a bad few months and didn’t want anything right then, was being up front and transparent with my emotions. He told several of our mutual friends he was very very into me and wanted something more. I understand this might come across as a rejection but I honestly could not start anything romantic at that point in my life as it would have been doomed.

Since then we have slowly started chatting more, from several times a week to pretty much constantly (not solid conversation but texts back and forth if that makes sense). I thought he was one of the funniest , kindest people I’ve ever met. I got into a far better place personally and was open to progressing things.

As soon as I started trying to have the conversation about this with him, things changed - it’s almost as if he’s sensed vulnerability and is now acting almost annoyed and negging me, being snipey, but is still the one initiating the conversation.

i understand he might have felt hurt by me saying I wasn’t ready to pursue anything but that was months ago and this is now - it feels like he’s sensed my shift in feeling towards him and wants to flip the power dynamic? (Which I don’t believe there should be anyway?)

has anyone else got any similar experience of this? I know it sounds like a bad sign but I’m just so confused

OP posts:
Campervangirl · 09/11/2022 08:30

He's punishing you because you rejected his advances, I'd set my stall out now, stop messaging him back and be polite at the hobby.
Some men just can't take no for an answer

ADifferentKindOfWonderful · 09/11/2022 08:38

I would back away from this. If he can't even be grown-up enough to understand how you were/are feeling. I'd stop this before it goes any further. He's showing you who he is..... not good.

VanillaParkersBowl · 09/11/2022 08:46

I agree with PPs, I'd be backing off from this one. You've been having a hard time and were honest with him but he's still managed to get you messaging almost constantly. Where's the space for you to concentrate on your self? Where's the respect for you? He's not thinking about you at all, apart from negatively.

Keep yourself safe from him but do not feel the need to do things his way. Have your own autonomy.

Original poster
Chorizomoon · 09/11/2022 09:14

To be clear - I did want to message him and it was a natural progression, he wasn’t pressuring me into that and all was fine until it started getting more serious.

i do understand it could be construed as me messing him around but I thought it was better to be upfront and i didn’t shut down the possibility of it at the time, just said I couldn’t right now. Argh

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 09/11/2022 09:34

I know it sounds like a bad sign but I’m just so confused

Being confused is what defines this as a bad sign. Pulling apart the dynamic is a waste of time and energy. Steer clear of people who confuse you. Don't pull apart the dynamics of a relationship that doesn't exist, and don't try to build a relationship with someone who confuses you.

Watchkeys · 09/11/2022 09:35

i do understand it could be construed as me messing him around but I thought it was better to be upfront and i didn’t shut down the possibility of it at the time, just said I couldn’t right now. Argh

Don't understand the 'argh', here. You didn't mess him around, but he's messing you around. That's it, from your point of view, and your point of view is the one you need to respect.

loveyourshoes · 09/11/2022 09:52

His change in behaviour might also be because he might be interested in someone else as well as in you so is putting less of an effort in with you?

Watchkeys · 09/11/2022 10:13

loveyourshoes · 09/11/2022 09:52

His change in behaviour might also be because he might be interested in someone else as well as in you so is putting less of an effort in with you?

It might also be because mice landed on Mars.

Who cares why he behaves the way he does?

loveyourshoes · 09/11/2022 10:22

Some of us @Watchkeys are actually interested in the reasons behind human behavior. I'm sure OP is too else she wouldn't have posted in the first place.

Toomanysleepycats · 09/11/2022 10:26

I would guess that he wants to just shag you again. You live a long way apart but get together for the hobby, it would be lovely for him if he could always count on you being up for it.

He doesn’t want a relationship, so as soon as you let him know this was what you wanted, he’s thought ‘oh shit, I don’t want a girlfriend, I just want a shag’.

Sorry. Men are so predictable in their ability to be disappointing.

Newusernameaug · 09/11/2022 10:30

Just call him and speak to him, voice to voice.
tell him he’s funny etc etc boost his ego, explain you weren’t in the right place, it wasn’t him blah blah and then see how he reacts.
you have to be straight forward and upfront I think.

SweetChild0mine · 09/11/2022 10:32

Men like the chase..

bluebell34567 · 09/11/2022 10:44

SweetChild0mine · 09/11/2022 10:32

Men like the chase..

agree. some men.

Original poster
Chorizomoon · 09/11/2022 11:06

I did think the chase thing might be an element as before I was probably more withholding as I didn’t want to lead him on or intensify any feelings in an unfair way. I am definitely not prepared to start deliberately pulling back and playing games tho - if that’s how it is I’m not interested

OP posts:
DragonflyNights · 09/11/2022 11:26

Tbh I don’t think you are confused! I think you have the exact measure of what’s going on which you describe in your OP. You backed off from hil and let him know you weren’t in the right place. He appeared to accept that (but clearly kept trying since you got closer again) but now he is sure of your interest is now negging you. He charmed you and now he’s acting this way - as you rightly considered, it’s a power move.

It’s rubbish but at least you’ve seen how he likes to behave. I bet if you backed off again he’d stop negging you and would go back to charming and funny. Actually if it was me i’d do just that, just to confirm he’s a total prick.

Watchkeys · 09/11/2022 11:43

loveyourshoes · 09/11/2022 10:22

Some of us @Watchkeys are actually interested in the reasons behind human behavior. I'm sure OP is too else she wouldn't have posted in the first place.

You clearly know best...

mightarture · 09/11/2022 11:50

Watchkeys · 09/11/2022 09:34

I know it sounds like a bad sign but I’m just so confused

Being confused is what defines this as a bad sign. Pulling apart the dynamic is a waste of time and energy. Steer clear of people who confuse you. Don't pull apart the dynamics of a relationship that doesn't exist, and don't try to build a relationship with someone who confuses you.

Agree. It's a pointless exercise.

premium2 · 09/11/2022 11:54

Chorizomoon · 09/11/2022 09:14

To be clear - I did want to message him and it was a natural progression, he wasn’t pressuring me into that and all was fine until it started getting more serious.

i do understand it could be construed as me messing him around but I thought it was better to be upfront and i didn’t shut down the possibility of it at the time, just said I couldn’t right now. Argh

Have you made it clear you might be open to something more now?

He could be seeing it as mixed messages, ie you were only interested as a friend, but are no behaving as more, his feelings may be ramping up but he thinks you're not interested, but at the same time acting like you are interested. He might feel like he's being messed around.
I'd make it clear you're in a different headspace now and ask him out.

If he acts like a dick after this then bin him and move on

Naunet · 09/11/2022 12:01

It’s a red flag, I’d go with your first thoughts and give this guy a miss.

I understand this might come across as a rejection but I honestly could not start anything romantic at that point in my life as it would have been doomed

You know you’re allowed to reject any man you want for any reason whatsoever, don’t you? Just because a guy is into you, it doesn’t mean you owe him anything at all, you’re not a bitch for not giving him a chance or any of that bullshit? Just want to make sure because you sound like you feel guilty over it.

Original poster
Chorizomoon · 09/11/2022 16:12

I didn’t originally reject him in a “I never want anything” way, I made it clear that it wasn’t a right now thing as it would be doomed as I was not in a good place. It’s all very odd

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 09/11/2022 16:23

Chorizomoon · 09/11/2022 16:12

I didn’t originally reject him in a “I never want anything” way, I made it clear that it wasn’t a right now thing as it would be doomed as I was not in a good place. It’s all very odd

Unless you want a partner who misunderstands your communication, and whose responses to you find odd, then this is not the guy for you.

Do you want that? If you do, ask yourself why. If you don't, then stop psychoanalysing this guy.

DatingDinosaur · 09/11/2022 19:59

Thank you for posting this @Chorizomoon. It has really helped me get my head around a similar situation I find myself in.

And thank you @DragonflyNights for putting into words something that is very difficult to see when you’re involved in it, but that summed it up perfectly.

FWIW, the first time this guy was a bit weird/abrupt/neggy with me I backed off, not because I was playing games, but because I thought it was his clumsy way of letting me know the ship of romance had sailed. But then he switched back and became nice again, making me think I was imagining it/hormonal/over-sensitive and renewed my hope that something might yet develop. And then he went weird again. I’m now at the “who cares why he’s doing it, he’s just proved himself to be an arrogant knob for being like that” stage.

The fact remains that he IS doing it and it appears to be reactive and intentional. Which makes him a not very nice person really.

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/11/2022 09:00

Being confused is what defines this as a bad sign. Pulling apart the dynamic is a waste of time and energy. Steer clear of people who confuse you. Don't pull apart the dynamics of a relationship that doesn't exist, and don't try to build a relationship with someone who confuses you

Spot on @Watchkeys

KettrickenSmiled · 10/11/2022 12:15

Newusernameaug · 09/11/2022 10:30

Just call him and speak to him, voice to voice.
tell him he’s funny etc etc boost his ego, explain you weren’t in the right place, it wasn’t him blah blah and then see how he reacts.
you have to be straight forward and upfront I think.

OP has been straightforward & upfront.

This man has not.

Why are you telling OP to boost his ego?

EternalStench · 10/11/2022 12:20

A decent guy wouldn't be acting like this. You've done nothing wrong but he just wants to put you down. Forget him.

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