How much do you share parenting responsibilities?

[Sash00]

Im a mum of 3 dc. I do a lot more of the parenting and with a 11 month old really feeling the strain. Returned to work part time 2 months ago and dp is self employed and some weeks gets no work and other weeks he can work 5-6 days. How much does your dp help out? He's very old fashioned and he does bare minimum with dc. It's causing tension between us and with little one still waking for feeds im running on empty. Does your dp give you time to recharge? He makes me feel like im being lazy for asking for more help and support.

You’re going to get lots of comments on the fact you referred to it as “help” and “helping out”

It’s not your DP’s job to give you time/permission to recharge. If he won’t communicate and agree mutually convenient time, claim time and tell him what your doing. He’s an adult - he’ll cope.

Your dp sounds enraging. Why does he think all the childcare falls to you by default? Does he think he's just too important?

Totally share it. DH does all the cooking, food shop, helps kids with homework etc when I'm still at work and he's with the kids, he does the school run at least twice a week. I do most of the washing (although he will put it on/side it etc if he's home and I leave it sorted in piles), I do 90% of the organising of the kids activities, and arranging lifts for stuff. But DH will go and sort party gifts, do bits of Christmas shopping etc...

So, in short, I'd be giving your DP a massive lick up the bum! Making the kids is the easy bit.

Haha - "kick" up the bum not "lick"

What’s stopping him doing all of the childcare when he’s on a week of no work?

@amyboo best typo ever!

Mine did absolutely sod all. We're getting divorced

When I met my dh he still lived at home. I had a house and two daughters, I also rang a business in my home. When dh moved in I didn't really notice how little he did as a, I was use to doing everything and b, my business required cleaning so a lot of the housework went with that. It was a shock when I started full time work to discover how little he did. He did do a bit more but I did the brunt. That and other things took their toll on me and eventually I went part time. It works better as I was juggling less balls and his contribution was as breadwinner. He has improved over the years and is more willing to do housework and doesn't always need asking. He's rubbish with mental load which is annoying. We both make sure we get down time either around the kids or one has kids and other has some time or we get a babysitter. We alternate lying on weekends. Don't wait for him to offer, say I'm having a nap/bath/visit to friends etc are you ok to have kids? Say can you Hoover while I bath kids? Say what you want/need without emotion behind it and do same for him.

DS is grown up now but we totally shared responsibilities... I had loads of free time to do my own hobbies etc. But has your DH always been like this.... if so why choose to have three DC 'with an old fashioned man?'. My DH was/is a great father, but I still made the choice to have just one DC.

He may not change for that 'punishment' 😂😂

We genuinely share everything 50/50 including parental leave when she was born. We both work 4 days a week and have 1 day of childcare, then we each get a morning to ourselves at the weekend. During the week, we split the evenings so we each get the chance to pursue hobbies out of the house. It sounds a bit rigid but it works for us and avoids any resentment from either party.

I appreciate things get a lot more complex with more than one child, but if anything that means that each of you has to step up even more. I would seriously lose all love and respect for a partner who saw parenting his own children as 'helping out'.

I feel he values himself and his time more than me and dc. I get he's tired and his work is physically demanding. When he gets home, he's straight in the bath, eats and that's him done. When i get home, children are my responsibility straight away. And I don't mind that for the most of it, ive been at work and missed them so want to hear about their day, eat with them, do homework and all the other stuff but some days i just want a bath alone and eat without my baby clinging on my legs. I do all morning school runs and 3 pick ups. And wake up with them every weekend (no lie ins ever, unlike dp who has lie in every weekend). I do all clubs on my own. I don't know what more i can do other than tell him which i have to just be more of a shared partnership. He just makes me feel rubbish that im 'asking for help'.

I have found that even equal time, by no means equates to equal work or input. All thinking, admin, homework, PE kits etc are left to me. If he sits and watches tv with them though while sort all this stuff, he thinks he is doing his bit.

My DP does half of all pick-ups and drop-offs for our primary school age kid. He takes the afternoon off work one day a week to look after both and works more in the evening to make up for it. (I have one day off with them a week.) He does most of the cooking and sorts all the practical stuff re household problems, car and mortgage. (I do feel I bear more mental load for things like presents, school stuff, playdates etc) He takes our eldest to one hobby and I take her to another. When our LO was under one like yours I would do the night feeds (breastfeeding) and he would go to our then toddler if she woke. After I stopped the night feeds we switched. Basically, yes, he does loads. But that is to me what a partnership should be. I would have so much resentment for him if he didn't. I'm sorry and I hope you find a way of communicating to your DP that he needs to do more.

Just saw your update. I think there are some really concrete things there that you can bring up with him and - unless he's a complete arse- he should be up for changing. Maybe start gently, either with the lie-ins, or the school runs, or the clubs. Whatever you're most fed up with. Point out that you're DOING IT ALL and that that is just plain unfair. It took two of you to have children. (On the lie-in front, I would actually collapse if I had to get up with the kids every single morning as our youngest still wakes before 6 often. We alternate those mornings religiously- it's the only fair way of doing it.)

You should each get roughly the same amount of free/relaxation time. So if he works long hours you will do more in the home than him, but you shoudl be getting some time off.

This.

He's very old fashioned and he does bare minimum with dc
that's not old fashioned. That’s lazy.

me and dh share parenting and housework. Dh has always, except once, taken the day off or worked from home when dc were ill. Atm im doing drop offs as he cannot get to work on time from breakfast club drop off, and he is doing pick ups from childcare as i am working later. Be does all the cooking, cleans the kitchen, i do bathrooms and ironing. Washing is a two person constant job.

i mentioned the possibility of working away from three weeks next year and asked if be would manage everything for that long. There was no question from him that he wouldnt.

He's very old fashioned and he does bare minimum with dc
that's not old fashioned. That’s lazy.

Or sexist. Or lazy and sexist.

Husband cooks kids breakfast. I do lunch and dinners (sahm). On weekends either one of us will do the lunch, 90% of the time I make dinners.
One of our children is an early riser. He gets up with her in the morning. I get up through the night when they wake.
We do their bedtimes together every day except one night a week we have a night to ourselves, the other will take over.
Planning/organising/decision making around the children is all me and I delegate to him if I need any help arranging.

Same here op.

I just tell him : can you do this, do that, etc. Otherwise he just doesn't realise it needs doing? Very frustrating

He's very old fashioned and he does bare minimum with dc

Is 'old-fashioned' code for 'selfish arse'?

I'm surprised nobody has asked what he was like as a parent after the first child?
then they can express surprise that you went on to have 2 more.
for you to then say that they were contraceptive failures
that's usually the script for threads like this

He's very old fashioned and he does bare minimum with dc

No, he's just lazy (if I'm being kind) or sexist and lazy (if I'm being honest!)

Both work full time but I have a much longer commute. He does all the before and after school stuff because I'm not here. Do bedtime for one DC each. I do the ordering school lunches, booking breakfast and after school clubs, he does the remembering it's swimming/forest school/non uniform day. I work term time only so do a lot more in school holidays. Weekends are a pretty even split. We've both done some time as a SAHP which I think helps to create equality.