Is it normal to feel relieved and positve a week after your H has left or am I going nuts? Anyone else feel like this?

[threeandmeandthedog]

H of 16 years had an EA 5 years ago. It was awful. We worked hard towards getting back on track. Not hard enough. Fast forward 5 years and I have thought about my options, built my confidence and self-esteem, qualified in a new profession and thought long an dhard about th eoptions available to my children and me in relation to remaining in the marriage. It hasn't bee easy but this year I felt I had moved on from the EA and thought things were goin in the right direction.

Anyway just over a week ago I found out that H was just embarking on another affair. When confornted he admitted it, said he wasn't happy and was planning on leaving after xmas. It transpires his plan was somewhat under developed and he had got as far as start a long distance relationship with an OW and that was it.

So it was a very clear end. I tried to forgive once. Not doing it twice. And apparently he was leaving anyway, so not much choice in the matter for me. Although it has been a really tough 5 years there have been lots of good family times with the kids and I personally gained a lot from it in terms of knowing who I am, protecting the future for me and the DCs and coming to the realisation I will be ok on my own with the kids. I was still very shocked and upset and have got though my first day since without bursting into tears every two minutes.

We told our 3 dc (age 10,13 and 14) and they were shocked but ok. Keeping a close eye on them and focusing on them has been everything. We told them that we were seperating as our relationship wasn't working anymore, we loved them, would still be friends and our differences were between us and nothing to do with them.

I have asked H to leave and he has gone. I have immediately eastablished childcare will be split 50/50, H will see them at the family home until he finds a place. I will stay with friends near by when he is here.

Over the last three days I have felt an increasing sense of empowerment. Its like the scales have been lifted from my eyes. I have compromised so much and put up with things I am actually ashamed to have put up with. I have relasied that I have lost a sense of my true self and what I want for me and my kids and now it is really clear. I feel ashamed for not having seperated with him before. I have realised that I bring most things to this relationship and carry most of the emotional and practical load. How did this happen?!!

I am in a lucky position becuase I am financially independent and will not need to leave or sell the family home. I don't need any contribution financially fromhim apart from him doing his share with the DC. So I know this is a huge worry that many women have to contend with and I don't. But still, I feel like he has done me a favour.

Has anyone else felt like this? Did this feeling come crashing down? Is it beacuse I am probably running on a lot of adrenaline? I didn't sleep the first two nights after I found out,but have slept ok since. Am I heading for a breakdown? I feel nervous that I feel so calm and relieved.

So glad to find out it's not just me. Nearly 3 months now since ex left our 20 year marriage. Relief, lightness and general loveliness at no arguments and stress over absolutely nothing at all.

As someone else said... I've been single for years but with all the crap bits of being married.

My house is always tidy now. I don't have weekends taken up with arguing. It is just such a relief for it all to have finally occurred after years of wishing. Just peaceful.

Only anxiety is financial and children but even then I'm actually financially better off and kids are happier. Honestly, unless he throws a spanner in the works (which I'm waiting for) it's all a bit too good to be true.

Well done. X

Congratulations, so pleased for you and agree with previous poster that you probably will get an anxious day or two but remembering how you feel now will help it pass quickly.

Are you sure about 50/50 childcare as you say your children's father is an alcoholic who is grumpy and snappy, creates a bad atmosphere? Why subject your DC to any more of that if it can be avoided?

Well done, it’s perfectly fine to feel relief at being out of a situation that wasn’t serving you well. I still have sad days and tearful moments but an overwhelming feeling that I can breath, I can keep up with the kids, the house etc and have time for me too. It’s a good feeling - enjoy without questioning it too much.

Yes! Completely the same here. In fact the terrible terrible day when my XH physically assaulted our weedy 15 yr old DS and I told him we were therefore done and he drove off to a 'friend's' house (probably the OW I later realised but whatever) it was like a party atmosphere in our house with the three children telling me I should have dumped him years ago (🙄 ooops) but like you love was blind and I had literally no idea how horrendous he or our relationship was.

4.5 years later I still wake up feeling delighted I'm in my bed without him and his moods. It is utterly fantastic

Another one who felt nothing but relief when my ex finally exited. When we were together, occasionally he would go off on overseas trips for a couple of weeks at a time and I always felt guilty and co fused that despite me having to do everything when he was gone (with two under two at one point!) it all just seemed so much smoother, lighter and more relaxed when he was away.

Of course, I felt even guilty and confused when he was home too, because we would have all these arguments that would start with me feeling hurt or confused by something mean or thoughtless or rude that he’d said or done and ended with him lecturing me on how I was a controlling, over sensitive drama queen with impossible standards and no respect.

Funnily enough, after I clicked that I was being emotionally and financially abused and lied to for years, the guilt and confusion vanished (along with the autoimmune disease I’d been suffering), my head cleared, I got financially independent and ended it.

I think he’s still shocked and angry that I could actually do that (and plays the victim to anyone who will listen) but I couldn’t be happier with my now-calm, happy, efficient household and much happier and more connected kids.

There is a lot of truth in that @GarfieldsAunty

I think I've not really noticed him going so much emotionally financially or physically because I've been a single parent subconsciously for most of our marriage so him leaving hasn't really made much of a difference

@laundryelf I get what you are saying about the 50/50 and H being an alcoholic, it is something that I do wonder about. Most of his grumpiness etc was directed towards me. TBH is he is so I present he will be shocked at having to step up. If he doesn’t then I will make different arrangements to suit thier best interests.My kids are slightly older than I said in my OP , I just didn’t want to be outing as I have posted on here a longtime etc. At thier ages they will vote with their feet. We live in a city and he will find somewhere near by and I think they will end up staying mostly in the place where they feel loved, happy and looked after.

It’s really heartening to hear other women’s stories.

@CheekyHobson H was always saying I was a drama queen (If I pushed back against him for the way he spoke to me), patronizing (if I asked him to do something), condescending (if I argued a point where I knew I was right ) etc. Exhausting. I started to believe I was these things. I am not, I am thoughtful, intelligent, assertive and kind.

@Outinout @Jellycatspyjamas @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss and all the other women who have thier freedom and are lighter for it 💐

I was in a slightly different position as I was the one that left, but in the 11 months since I left I have not had a single day of feeling sad or regret about it, it is absolutely the best thing I have ever done. There is nothing at all I need him for as our kids are now late teens/early 20s, and he never was much help when they were little so the kids spend very little time with him now too.

For me: it’s so nice not to be lectured to, huffed at if the house isn’t tidy by and feel like walking on eggshells all the time. I did all the looking after the kids and housework so I have less to do now as he has the kids 50/50 (ish!)
Kids are teens so I get to lie in at the weekend if not on football duty or I take a cup of tea upstairs and read my book. It’s the little things that I really love.

@threeandmeandthedog You’re doing great.

My totally useless, waste of space of a ‘husband’ finally slung his worthless hook in September and I have felt on cloud nine ever since.

Peace in your home and peace of mind is everything

Very happy for you, OP!

I think that once you've been cheated on or otherwise betrayed in some significant way by your partner, you can never REALLY relax in the relationship again. Subconsciously, a part of you is anticipating it happening again. So it makes sense that when you remove yourself permanently from their everyday prescence in your life and don't have to worry about them hurting you any longer, it's no you feel a sense of profound relief.

Think of it as having lived with a dangerous animal in a flimsy cage in the corner of your bedroom for years. And one day, it's no longer there. And you can finally relax 🙂

*no wonder

I was the one who left, and it was over emotional abuse rather than infidelity (I used to dream he would have an affair as that would have helped me make my mind up!), but I hear you. I think we women are so conditioned to neeeeeed a man in our lives that we suffer some kind of cognitive dissonance when we realise that life is much better without a shite one.

It's nearly my 10th anniversary of leaving and I haven't wavered once!

Out of a general sense of cheerleading and sheer nosiness, what is the message you have prepared for his inevitable return, tail between legs?

Honestly, my exh leaving for ow was the best feeling in the world. He was mentally ill, very abusive and when he left, we could all start living again. And guess what? A leopard never changes its spot. Repeating the same pattern and the ow has definitely got what she deserves.

It’s a great feeling, freedom! I completely bent myself out of shape for years to accommodate XH, but I knew I was biding my time and would not grow old with that fool. When the day came and I called time, I cried - with relief. It took quite a long time to unbend myself and rediscover who I am. Occasional fear, very occasional sadness, but mostly excitement. Enjoy the process OP!

It’s so empowering to hear these stories. Society has conditioned women to put up with so much shit. I am going to instil in my daughters to keep their standards high and to be self sufficient. Luckily my son has two very strong sisters and me to keep him on track with regards to how women should be treated and what behaviour is acceptable.

@FetchezLaVache I will thank him for giving me no choice but to move forward and explain to him how empowering it has been for me, and how much happier we all are and I will wave him good bye. With no malice or I’ll thoughts. Just gratitude.

@threeandmeandthedog that's a spectacular response. You are a classy lady and a great mother and your STBXH is a bloody idiot. Enjoy not having him around!

I had two years of ex faffing around between me and OW. Took him back, we were working on it, and had made an offer on a house in a new area - only for him to tell me 'I can't do this and I'm moving out.' Incidentally rendering me homeless as we'd accepted an offer on our house. Spent the next day among other things fielding calls from an irate solicitor about the withdrawal from our purchase (gave her his number and told her to speak to him), spent the evening out to allow him to pack up because by that stage I wasn't quite sure I wouldn't resort to violence if he so much as spoke to me.

Got home at 10pm and he was gone. I sat on the stairs and cried with relief that it was all over. The last time I cried over him. And yes, he tried weaselling back pretending that it wasn't that bad really.

Congratulations OP, what a truly uplifting thread.

I think you were 5 years preparing to detach and this all happened when you were ready.

Get that divorce agreed asap.

I don't for one minute believe you have heard the last from that waster.

He will likely come to his senses.

Best get things agreed whilst he is enjoying his false high.

He sounds odious so it is not surprising that you are feeling a new lightness.

Enjoy and get your divorce moving.

Hope all is going well with your new life @threeandmeandthedog
Just came across this post and love the positive stories.

Hi @catandcoffee - I have definitely had a few wobbles of late- mainly due to missing the kids when they aren’t here and grieving for the life I had- but on the whole relief and positivity is my overall feeling. Whenever I am feeling unsure reading this thread really helps.

Well done! I was the same dh had a emotional affair. Wouldn’t admit to it, I was upset. Eventually a year later he admitted to it. After lying etc and many other issues. When we we eventually stopped trying and he left. I didn’t cry I felt like I could breathe and relief. Some days have been tough but it’s been 4 months. I think I have had days when I have doubted myself. Then I go over what he did and remind myself I need more! And better!

Agree with the PP saying congratulations. Leaving my horrific marriage was the biggest relief ever. I also felt so empowered and also like I had refound me. Don't know if this is a common thing for all people or just those who have been cheated on and taken them back but it certainly seems to be normal to feel relief. Freedom from trying to make it all ok for the kids, from constantly waiting for the next secret to come out and trying to keep it all together.
Not to say there weren't tough times too but ultimately it was the most freeing experience of my life.