Can my marriage be saved? How?

[Concestor]

I could write a virtual book but in bullets:

DH and I married 14 years, two kids 8 and 13, both autistic. Eldest long term sick and off school long term. Youngest struggling at school.

We have lost five babies in pregnancy. This affected us both but I've never seen DH cry or get upset. He doesn't show emotion.

I'm autistic, diagnosed two years ago. DH not sought any assessment but is almost certainly ADHD. He does not see this or consider it relevant.

DH not affectionate at all. He never calls me by name or touches me or compliments me. I've asked him to but he doesn't. He used to, but that changed when eldest was a toddler.

We haven't had sex since we conceived youngest so about 9 years now. Have tried to talk to him about this but he doesn't seem very bothered. Says he's not gay. Also says he doesn't masturbate (I think this is true). I have high sex drive.

We live separate lives. We don't seem to have any shared interests any more and he never instigates doing anything together or as a family. I do all the mental load and things only happen if I make them. I've booked a loads of family stuff over Christmas which we do every year. If I left it to him nothing would be booked.

We never just talk because he gives one word answers or grunts. He denies this but it's true. I no longer bother telling him how I feel about anything because he isn't interested.

If I take to him about this he tells me I'm wrong. He always answers "no" as default if I ever try to say how I feel. Literally, I'll say "I feel very lonely in our marriage, I don't feel like you love me" and he will say "no" and then go silent.

We had some counselling but it didn't resolve anything. We had some joint sessions in which I got very upset, then DH had some alone and was told by counsellor to do some stuff and discuss with me then go back for another session. He never did the stuff despite me reminding him. I gave up.

I spoke to him in summer saying I couldn't live like this any more. I suggested he have counselling to decide what he wants from a relationship and then we could see if it was compatible with what I want. He hasn't done this. I have reminded him. Still nothing.

I no longer fancy him at all. He's putting on weight and never makes an effort to look nice unless he's going out with his friends which is rare, he never really goes out, he has no interests, he doesn't even read books or watch the news.

I'm 47 and feel like we are housemates. I feel so lonely. I'm very down right now. I don't want this to be my life. I had more sex when I was single than I have in my entire marriage!

He does a lot with the kids and in the house but that's not a relationship to me. I have no idea if this can be saved because while he says he doesn't want us to split up, he is doing nothing to make this feel like a relationship.

I told him in summer that if things hadn't improved by new year then I wanted to separate, even as a trial. I've said this like this before then not gone through with it soo expect he thinks I won't this time.

Splitting would be awful financially/lifestyle wise. I'd have to move away as I'll only have about £350k from our house, and I have no savings. I work part time but if I move away I can't do one of my jobs.

Please help me! What can I do? I wish he was still the man I married. He's changed so much, he admits it but won't do anything about it and I'm so unhappy.

Do you want to save it ?

You can only change yourself, not others.
Tbh he sounds autistic as well, I wondered why you thought adhd rather than autism?

If you want to stay and want sex and affection, open up the marriage and have an affair. Or don't, and continue having no sex and no affection. Or leave and have less money but a chance to find sex and affection again.

He doesn't sound like he even can change.

Sounds like you're probably on a hiding to nothing. Only you can change your life.

I don't know. If we could get back to his we used to be then it would be good. But that's so long ago.

I just can't live like this any more.

There is nothing to rescue and or save here.

Regardless of why he acts like he does (and he is doing this because he can) you did not cause this nor make him act that way. The man you thought you married was a mirage and he put on an act that he could never have hoped to at all maintain. This now is who he is.

Be brave and make the break; do not stay because of a lifestyle you perhaps want to maintain. Your children know that their parents relationship has irrevocably broken down and perhaps even blame themselves.

Divorce is not failure here, living in such unhappiness is. Do not let this be yours, and in turn your childrens, lives.

How long were things 1. 'how they used to be' and how long have things been 2. 'as they are now'?
If 2 is longer than 1 then maybe it's time to face the reality that how things used to be was the anomaly, not how things are now

This is what worries me, that he can't change. But he wasn't always like this.

I think ADHD because he fits that much more than autistic. He's messy, can't sit still, leaves things half done, forgets stuff, doesn't have routines.

He currently does all the cooking (because I just stopped after years of doing everything) but we have a cleaner now and a gardener so that's it. I do all the kids stuff, organising, etc. I don't feel I'd miss what he does if we split.

But the kids would be devastated.

Wow. This is dead as a doornail and I predict that once you’ve got past the first few weeks you’ll feel so much happier. What you have sounds absolutely grindingly dull, like being buried alive.

Yeah, I've thought that too. I think we had a honeymoon period that he couldn't sustain. It was good for five years maybe. And like this for nine. I've been talking to him about it for seven years!! I've tried so hard.

Your kids will be fine. And they won’t have a dead, soul sucking relationship as their model for “normal.”

I do feel that. I'm really anxious and down. At the moment I'm quite suicidal but I do get like that sometimes. I don't feel like I have a life, I just exist.

Feel sad for you, but if he won’t engage in counselling or do anything to improve situation I think you already know the answer… time to move on with your new life.

Tough times ahead but will be worth it eventually, best wishes

I don't think you have a marriage worth rescuing.

Separate. Be happy. You only have one life. Don't stay together 'for the children' because they will know, as they grow up, that your relationship isn't a happy one.

You're right. I've said to him that I don't want the kids to think it's normal. Our eldest is 13, one of my friends said she thinks it's too late now though.

Another friend who is currently splitting up from her DP says it's really hard on your own and that I should stay. She regrets leaving her partner (very similar situation).

I used to want to. Now I'm so fed up, I can't see any reason to stay, I don't feel like I love him any more because he killed it.

It sounds like you have really tried, I don't think there is much more you can do.
If you think your life would be better without him, I think you'v got your answer.

It will be hard, but imagine how great you would feel to be in a happy relationship with someone who is a supportive partner and values you

I used to feel loved, and secure, and we did things together and I felt understood and like he was my friend. I wanted that back but now it's been so long I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything. I feel so lost.

Maybe some time apart?

There is absolutely nothing to save here. Divorce him and move on, I promise you will be so glad you did.

"But the kids would be devastated".

You really think so? I actually think they would on some level be relieved. They see you both as their parents unhappy and floundering about in your respective miseries.

Please do not further do your bit here to show your children that this awful relationship model could be their "norm" too. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what do you think they are learning here from you two about relationships?.

Another friend who is currently splitting up from her DP says it's really hard on your own and that I should stay. She regrets leaving her partner (very similar situation).

She's still in the middle of it though. Nobody's skipping around full of joy in the thick of it.

It is a big adjustment which feels uncomfortable and involves grieving the life you hoped to have. It's normal to feel "regret" at that stage - it's a normal human emotion in response to change and loss, but it doesn't mean it's the wrong choice.

It will take time to adjust, to process the emotions, for life to settle and for you to start looking forwards again.

That will be uncomfortable for a while but opens up hope for the future. Versus staying stuck without any hope on the horizon. Which would you rather - temporary discomfort for long term hope/possibilities or permanently living as you are?

I can't live like this any more. I hoped he'd do the work needed to revive us, but he won't. Or can't. I just don't understand his inaction. He begs me for "one more chance" then does nothing.

Jesus, no, just end it. It sounds like a living hell.

You will be fine financially. 350k is a lot of money. And you'll figure everything else out. You deserve a life.

Well, to all those saying that the kids will be "fine" or "relieved"even! Honestly, I'd say that all my family members with ASD would be very much less than fine if faced with the prospect of "blended" family life. They might, in time manage a two household family, but the thought of new partners, step siblings relatives that they weren't related to etc would be an absolute nightmare and I don't believe they would cope.
If I were you I would decide whether or not to continue the marriage but not based on the chance of a new marriage while your children were still living at home.