I could write a virtual book but in bullets:
DH and I married 14 years, two kids 8 and 13, both autistic. Eldest long term sick and off school long term. Youngest struggling at school.
We have lost five babies in pregnancy. This affected us both but I've never seen DH cry or get upset. He doesn't show emotion.
I'm autistic, diagnosed two years ago. DH not sought any assessment but is almost certainly ADHD. He does not see this or consider it relevant.
DH not affectionate at all. He never calls me by name or touches me or compliments me. I've asked him to but he doesn't. He used to, but that changed when eldest was a toddler.
We haven't had sex since we conceived youngest so about 9 years now. Have tried to talk to him about this but he doesn't seem very bothered. Says he's not gay. Also says he doesn't masturbate (I think this is true). I have high sex drive.
We live separate lives. We don't seem to have any shared interests any more and he never instigates doing anything together or as a family. I do all the mental load and things only happen if I make them. I've booked a loads of family stuff over Christmas which we do every year. If I left it to him nothing would be booked.
We never just talk because he gives one word answers or grunts. He denies this but it's true. I no longer bother telling him how I feel about anything because he isn't interested.
If I take to him about this he tells me I'm wrong. He always answers "no" as default if I ever try to say how I feel. Literally, I'll say "I feel very lonely in our marriage, I don't feel like you love me" and he will say "no" and then go silent.
We had some counselling but it didn't resolve anything. We had some joint sessions in which I got very upset, then DH had some alone and was told by counsellor to do some stuff and discuss with me then go back for another session. He never did the stuff despite me reminding him. I gave up.
I spoke to him in summer saying I couldn't live like this any more. I suggested he have counselling to decide what he wants from a relationship and then we could see if it was compatible with what I want. He hasn't done this. I have reminded him. Still nothing.
I no longer fancy him at all. He's putting on weight and never makes an effort to look nice unless he's going out with his friends which is rare, he never really goes out, he has no interests, he doesn't even read books or watch the news.
I'm 47 and feel like we are housemates. I feel so lonely. I'm very down right now. I don't want this to be my life. I had more sex when I was single than I have in my entire marriage!
He does a lot with the kids and in the house but that's not a relationship to me. I have no idea if this can be saved because while he says he doesn't want us to split up, he is doing nothing to make this feel like a relationship.
I told him in summer that if things hadn't improved by new year then I wanted to separate, even as a trial. I've said this like this before then not gone through with it soo expect he thinks I won't this time.
Splitting would be awful financially/lifestyle wise. I'd have to move away as I'll only have about £350k from our house, and I have no savings. I work part time but if I move away I can't do one of my jobs.
Please help me! What can I do? I wish he was still the man I married. He's changed so much, he admits it but won't do anything about it and I'm so unhappy.