Abusive marriage - abusive partner is mentally ill.

[DesparateDaisy]

What advice would you give to someone (lets call him Bob) whose spouse (lets call her Betty) is mentally ill, and abusive. Betty is threatening suicide if Bob leaves her. She has a history of suicide attempts, some of which were clearly just attention seeking, but a couple of which were serious attempts. She has a diagnosed mental illness, a CPN etc.

The abuse isn't physical, but shouting, removing his phone, isolating him from friends and family, smashing dishes etc.

What help is there for Bob? He says that his GP has told him there is nothing available if the abusive partner is the wife, and the husband is the victim.

That's not true. In the first instance, Bob should report the abuse to the police. Particularly the suicide threats (which is a red flag abusive behaviour). Bob can divorce Betty and move on with his life. Betty's mental illness and abusive behaviour is not Bob's responsibility.

I’d tell him to leave if he is not happy. What help exactly does he want as I’mnotsure what your last sentence means about what the GP said. It doesn’t matter what sex you are - if you are a victim, you are a victim.

there are support structures for men in abusive situations.

At the end of the day, someone threatening suicide may or may not be a controlling technique but it is not a reason for bob to stay in the relationship. If he is unhappy and Betty is treating hi badly, but she is not getting help for her MH issues then he should leave. if that negatively impacts Betty, so be it.

I think he went to the GP hoping for counselling etc for himself. He's asked for advice on managing Betty's mental illness, but been told that none of the professionals involved can discuss Betty's illness with him as it would be a breach of Betty's confidentiality.

Betty was offered in-patient care but turned it down.

He really needs someone to talk to, but Betty controls his friendships, relationships with family etc.

Betty is getting help for her mental illness, but not effective help. She has turned down e.g the offer of inpatient care. There is a type of treatment she wants, but the NHS won't provide it, as it's not offered for her condition. She has a CPN, and a psychiatrist, although I don't think she sees the psychiatrist very often. She sees a doctor at least once a month, usually more often than that.

Bob isn't seeing anyone, plus he's being isolated from his friends, family etc.

I think he should leave the marriage and start rebuilding his life.
There is an organisation called Mankind who offer support - their helpline number is 01823 334 244

Abusive behaviour is abusive behaviour, regardless of mental health - Bob has no responsibility for Betty be her abuse won’t stop if she recovers from her poor mental health. Any decent therapist could work with Bob in terms of his experience of domestic abuse.

Bob should remove himself from the situation and contact the police every time Betty threatens suicide, she’ll either get the help she needs or will be done for time wasting.

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help
www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/behaviours/help-for-suicidal-thoughts/

Bob needs to see a different GP, ideally with an advocate present such as another family member.

Bob needs to get as far away from Betty as possible as fast as his legs can carry him. And block all contact.

If Betty still finds a way to threaten self harm, Bob should call the ambulance services and let them know the score. They can decide whether or not to attend.

There is no excuse for abuse. Plenty of abusers also use 'mental health' as an inexcusable to coerce and control. Threatening suicide is a common tactic of a manipulative bully.

Bob is not responsible for Betty's mental health. She can see a therapist and seek help. But Bob's responsibility is to get away and protect himself from abuse. If he eusgrs, he can let Betty's family and friends know that she is at risk and that they may wish to keep an eye on her.

Bob has the same options any woman does. And the same help available to him. It just so happens that this help is somewhat limited. Bob would be wise to cut contact and read up on how to spot abusers in future so that hopefully the past won't repeat itself.

What help is there for Bob? He says that his GP has told him there is nothing available if the abusive partner is the wife, and the husband is the victim

Absolute rubbish and he should complain about the idiot GP. 🙄

How do you know so much about this situation? You said he needs someone to talk to but she doesn’t let him, yet somehow you know all of this, so presumably he does have some room to talk to others?
Why doesn’t he leave if he’s not happy, and by that I mean what specifics are keeping him there (financial, guilt, kids etc, what are the difficulties)? Does she have family who he can let know he plans to leave so that they can look out for her?

AmandaHolden'sLips - Thank you for the Mankind helpline details - I'll pass that on.
creid - Thanks, I'll pass that on.

Pinkbonbon - Betty's mental health has gone far beyond "See a therapist." She has a diagnosed Personality Disorder, plus other issues.

Unfortunately, as Bob is classified as Betty's carer he thinks he is responsible. His employers let him WFH due to Betty's mental health issues, with flexibility for him to take her to appointments etc. If he leaves, she couldn't live independently, unless her mental health miraculously improved.

Betty's family are all too aware, and are unlikely to want to offer to help her.

Endless Magpie - seeing a different GP with an advocate present is an excellent idea.

OK so it's not mental health then. Its what? Bpd?
Well, fuck that manipulative bullshit for a lark. I'm not saying that ppl woth a personality disorder can't also have mental health issues of course, but if the underpinning characteristics of the disorder include manipulation - Bob needs to get out. Carer or not, he is not paid to be abused by some psychopath.

She can put an application in for a new carer.
Or not. Really, I know ots easier said than done but bob needs to realise he absolutely is not under any obligation to 'help' his abuser. There are other jobs too. Not saying it'll be easy, but you only get one life! Don't waste it with someone who hates you and means you harm. Because she absolutely does.

Naunet - I'm a close relative. He hasn't spoken to me directly. Things are leaking out - neighbours called the police a few weeks ago. Another neighbour expressed concern to another family member who shared it with me. He WFH but had to go into work to collect a piece of equipment and his colleagues were worried about him. His best friend from Uni was in the area recently and Betty said he wasn't allowed to meet up with him. An elderly friend of the family asked him to help her reset her cooker clock when the clocks changed. When he went round, almost as soon as he arrived, Betty phoned up and the elderly friend said she was screaming and saying he had to go home immediately - which he did. The elderly friend-of-the-family was shaken and contacted me.

Another relative urged him to get help, and he said he'd seen his GP, and there is no help available. It's possible he said that to avoid further discussion.

Tbf is might not be a cluster b personality disorder, I'm just guessing. But either way, Bob needs to put his boots on and bolt.

Ok, so he’s not actually spoken to you or anyone else about this situation? That’s a worry then as it would imply he’s not ready to accept help. I think passing on details of ManKind etc is a good starting point, but you can only help him if he wants help. I know it’s heartbreaking, but when people are in abusive relationships, you can’t make them leave, all you can do is let them know that you’re there for them once they’re ready.

Betty's family won't help because they are relieved that Bob is looking after her and don't want to do it themselves. They certainly won't help him leave, or act in his best interests because they are acting in their own and Betty's best interests. However, Bob is not a sacrificial lamb. He may however, not have the necessary strength / ability to put himself first, to leave without help.

He needs help, practical help, not just 'advice' to leave. Someone needs to say "here is somewhere to stay" and "I'm coming to help you move out" etc.

Has Bob somewhere to go to?

Maybe if she's so unwell she can't live independently, he needs to get her into sheltered or residential care, get the professionals to take over care.

I don't think he should remain as her carer if he's enduring abuse. It doesn't matter if it's deliberate on her part or not.

I lived with a Bob. I was Betty. Bob didn't want me to talk to anyone. Bob was brilliant when I was unwell. Bob loved the adulation for supporting me. Bob also beat me up and abused me.

When Bob moved out, I miraculously recovered.

Bob found another chick with a house to move into.

I'm still finding my way.

Pinkbonbon - He has a professional job. He's registered as her carer, because that means that his employers (who are very sympathetic) have to give him flexi-time to take her to appointments etc. It might even have been HR who said that everything would be easier if he was her registered carer.

I didn't know he was officially a carer until he got his first Covid jab months ahead of me - being a carer pushed him up the queue.

What's keeping him? No idea. I assume she'd get a large financial settlement as she isn't able to work. But I don't think it's that. I think he's hoping she'll recover.

Who is Bob really?

Bob won't leave Betty, because Betty can get a divorce settlement?

And what is a CPN?

Are there children in Bob and Betty's marriage?