Abusive marriage - abusive partner is mentally ill.

[DesparateDaisy]

What advice would you give to someone (lets call him Bob) whose spouse (lets call her Betty) is mentally ill, and abusive. Betty is threatening suicide if Bob leaves her. She has a history of suicide attempts, some of which were clearly just attention seeking, but a couple of which were serious attempts. She has a diagnosed mental illness, a CPN etc.

The abuse isn't physical, but shouting, removing his phone, isolating him from friends and family, smashing dishes etc.

What help is there for Bob? He says that his GP has told him there is nothing available if the abusive partner is the wife, and the husband is the victim.

QwithaC - He has somewhere to go short-term i.e. for a few weeks. It shouldn't be difficult for him to get somewhere in the long term.

Are you saying he's not really her carer but says so for convenience?

Does she or does she not need care and is she able to live independently or not?

What's stopping Bob from applying for divorce, leaving the home, saying that he's no longer Betty's carer and leaving Betty to be cared for by other means than his lovely self?

QwithaC - CPN - Community Psychiatric Nurse.

category 12 - He is her carer. Because he's her carer his employers allow him to WFH and to have flexi-time. Other employees don't get flexi-time. Betty isn't well enough to be left alone hence the WFH. If he has to leave her for more than a couple of hours, the CPN is told she'll be home alone.

He's not her carer as a paid post, he's registered as her carer because it enables him to have the working conditions to be at home full time.

mensadviceline.org.uk/

There is help out there for men too.

bloodywitchescat - thank you.

Two, at University. One is estranged from Betty, and is complaining that Betty is trying to wreck their relationship with Bob. The other seems to be busy and enjoying life, too busy to have much contact with either parent. The first child has said they think Bob should leave Betty.

Then like I said earlier, he should probably consider her going into residential or sheltered, instead.

category 12 - she was offered a spell as a hospital inpatient earlier this year, but refused. How would he get her to agree to going into residential or sheltered accommodation? Although if he left her, I think she'd have no other option.

By leaving. yes.

if she goes in, she might have a better chance of recovery under professional care.

It's no point staying and keeping her out, if she's not getting better and he's suffering abuse.

I know it sounds harsh, but family carers often put up with so much and are so unsupported. Make the state step in.

I would suggest that Bob files for divorce.

There are options other than her needing to be an inpatient - there are almost no beds available, so it's really only for those who are severely mentally ill; not for those with so-called personality disorders.

If Bob was of the "kind" persuasion, Bob could contact her psychiatric nurse and say that he's leaving on X date. In the interim, Bob would need to secure new accommodation to move to - unless he wants Betty to move while he remains in the family home?

If they separate and/or divorce, Betty may be able to apply for benefits in her own right when Bob has left. Unless of course, Bob pays a sufficient amount of severance or alimony or whatever it's called so that she doesn't require any state input.

The children are in their 20's so Bob and Betty have been together a very long time. Is Betty's illness recent?

He could try carers' support services, either local or Carers UK, and ask them to tell him his rights and signpost him to support and information about the abuse.

The GP is wrong though, unless meaning there is none local the GP can refer him to. I'd try another GP and also carer services.

Also looking up boundary setting, self care and mental health. Local Kind might help.

There used to be a website Out if the Fog for family of BPD suffers. There must be more available online nowadays, but certainly look up boundaries and how to set those for caring for oneself. That should help as a start to him seeing he has the right to put his own wellbeing into focus whether or not his abuser is unwell.

If there are no young children, Bob needs to run like the wind and never look back! Hopefully with supportive people like you around him.

QwithaC -Is Betty's illness recent?

Her mental health collapsed during lockdown. But she has had a long history of shorter periods of poor mental health, which started before she met Bob.

Previously he was working flexibly round appointments etc, but he was also splitting his time between office and WFH. This is the first time he's been more or less 24/7 with her.

Part of the reason Bob hasn't left, I'm guessing, is that he's had experience of them getting through e.g. a six month spell of poor mental health. I don't know what he's thinking now, because he's not been speaking to friends and family for so long and he's not looking well himself, now.