Hate what I look like.

[AndIWouldHaveGotAwayWithItToo]

I'm really 'plain'. I don't even scrub up well. I prefer not to wear make up because I think I look better without it. I don't have a nice figure/body.

It's destroying what little confidence I have.

I know all the stuff about personality being attractive etc but I hate what I look like so much it's really impacting on my life

I don't know what I'm asking for really. No one here is going to he able to make me feel better about it. It just makes me really sad.

@AndIWouldHaveGotAwayWithItToo please don’t take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you may have body dysmorphia, just from the way you are describing how you feel about your looks.

completely anecdotal, but when I was younger I thought I was plain/ugly and it’s only looking back at photos now I’m older I realise I was young and fresh faced with lovely skin and hair.

Maybe speaking to someone about how you feel might be useful, health in mind have some great therapists and I know many people that have used them and talked about and worked on self esteem.

Dachshund40

Thanks. I'm a bit wary of it. I've had counselling before for self-esteem. Many times since being 17.

I remember being asked if I thought the counsellor was ugly/fat (i didn't); if I judged people with various jobs to be better/worse than me (I don't) and told that if I made more of an effort with my appearance, men would be interested in me and I'd feel better about myself (it's easy to get initial attention from men - that's hardly a measure of self esteem).

I've challenged myself, pushed myself outside of my comfort zone etc. Done all the exercises that are supposed to increase self esteem but none of them have made any difference to how I see myself.

Its been a lifelong issue. When I was 18 and 8 stone I used to fantasise about slicing parts of my body off and worry about knocking chairs/tables over in pubs etc. I'd always sit near the bar/loos or out of sight so that people wouldn't see me walking across the room. I stopped doing that years ago but now I just avoid going out to all but a couple of places.

I can't talk to anyone about it because my friends just offer compliments and that's not what I need.

what sort of counselling did you have previously, as the questions you were asked don’t sound very constructive.

can you write three things you like about yourself or are proud you have achieved down daily, it can be the smallest of things and nothings too ridiculous.

one thing I’ve realised as I have gotten older is everyone, (even the most stunning models you see in magazines) has insecurities and parts of themselves they don’t like. Often, I think people are probably too worried about their own insecurities too notice how you look, especially in places such as beach or swimming pools.

Whats your clothing style like? Could you treat yourself to an amazing outfit?maybe even visit a stylist? You really don’t have to be skinny and pretty to have amazing style! Fake it till you make it, you may be surprised how many compliments you get. *not that it matters what others think of you, but it never hurts to receive a compliment

I am happy with the way l look, but l like even more that l am a warm and kind person. I care about others, and l get on well with people in general. I am on my own, through choice, l fix all my own problems and rely on no one, that gives me peace of mind and self confidence. Liking yourself is not just about how you look.

Have you tried CBT OP? What you're outlining above almost sounds a bit like OCD only instead of trying to control your external environment you've turned that impulse inwards. In that way following tips to improve self-esteem is a bit like washing your hands or touching a door three times it speeds the impulse up rather than challenges it. It sounds really difficult- I feel for you.

OP, could you get some therapy to work on remembering what triggered this recently? The specific incident/ thought that triggered this relapse? And then work on from there with the therapist. Maybe something you need to be doing right now that will help.

I find looks get less important as you get older. Maybe that’s not much help when you’re young. But other people almost certainly don’t see you the way you see yourself.

I saw the equivalent of CAMHS (don't think it was called that then!) When I was around 17. And just different 'talking therapies'.

No. It wasn't very constructive.

I'm ok with who I am as a person. And what my good points are.but strangers n a room can't see that. I've also had some bad experiences with people I thought were friends so who I am as a person doesn't seem to count for much.

I've had plenty of small achievements in life and I'm happy with my character. I have pretty good boundaries, I'm honest, loyal, have integrity, I make people laugh. I don't judge others and am compassionate.

I know what clothes suit me to a degree but I don't like drawing attention to my appearance. I've started wearing a lot of baggy clothes and covering myself up completely.

I find looks get less important as you get older. Maybe that’s not much help when you’re young.

I'm 47 😕

There have been times in my life when it's felt less of a problem (but always still a problem).

I'm not sure about more therapy. I'm not really sure what they could say.

I think looking friendly and smiley is much more attractive than any physical features. Work on your physical and mental well-being, do things that make you happy (exercise and laughing/smiling make your body release endorphins) and hopefully you can stop focusing so much on your looks (which I'm sure are not the real problem anyway).

@AndIWouldHaveGotAwayWithItToo the therapy you had sounds like it was the wrong therapy for you, I second what a previous poster said about CBT therapy. You sound like a lovely person, it awful to think you’re walking around feeling so awful about how you look.

I think the golden bullet is exercise, much as people hate to hear it. i don't think it much matters what form that takes, as long as you are consistently doing something..maybe start with daily walks and build from there?
I also think there is great power to be had from joining a class/group based form of fitness, could you find a local walking group or fitness class maybe? Hard though it is to start, I always find being in a group builds you up mentally, regardless of what you are actually doing, its like you are all working to a common goal.
Your thoughts are just thoughts not reality, stop allowing them to be, you need to mentally kick them out of your head whenever they appear!

47? Could be attributed to peri menopause or menopause at that age. It's also an age (40s) where the signs of ageing are becoming even more evident and the acceptance that might come with that for some. Lots of people in that same boat.

A visit to the GP might help. HRT or something along those lines. There's also a menopause section here you could post in for advice.

Normally, I would agree but pre covid, I did exercise a couple of times a week and went walking a lot!

I did a year of military fitness, swam and went to the family with a friend but none of it made any difference. I like like fact I felt better/stringer but it didn't change how I felt about myself.

Since covid, I've done else because my life has changed but I do other things that should make feel good/releases endorphins etc.

But I drill come back to - but look at you. What's the point? And then someone's words about you can't polish shit just roll around in my head.

It's no bed of roses to be good looking.

I am definitely above average looking, I have a traditionally curvy but slim body, I'm blonde, green eyes, naturally big lips and eyes, very clear skin etc.

I get nothing but the wrong type of attention from men, I can't find a suitable partner because people only want for me for my looks and don't bother getting to know me, I've been dumped loads because people realise I'm not their dream woman, women are mean to me, people talk to me like I'm stupid, I'm getting older now and I'm nowhere near as good looking as I used to be, but I still get stared at all the time, people grab me, I get followed in the street, I've been followed home loads of times, I get treated badly at work, I have to be careful with what I wear, men bother me like crazy in bars, or the nice ones won't talk to me, I've been harassed by workmen in my own home, people make all kinds of assumptions about me, I've been told tons that I'm 'actually nice' (!!) when people get to know me, I've even been banned from dating profiles because angry men assume I must have fake pictures, and so on and so on.

Be careful what you wish for. I can't deny there are some benefits but there's a lot of shit to put up with. There's a lot to be said for looking normal!

Tbh, that does sound shit. And I've seen it happen with women I know.

I don't really wish I looked different. I just wish I didn't have feelings of loathing and disgust towards myself.

Well you've received a lot of good advice here, OP. Hopefully you'll try some of the tips and start to feel better about yourself. Good luck.

@LadyOfTheFliessssss Oh really?

It's not about how you look. I personally find it very difficult to judge how someone looks after I get to know them. I only know this because other people will make a comment on someone's appearance and I'll be shocked by the comment because I see them so differently. I mean there are a few stand out exceptions who are objectively beautiful but otherwise it is so subjective and dependent on so many other aspects that the idea that you are more plain than anyone else just becomes irrelevant.

The self loathing is not about your physical appearance. And actually it doesn't sound very much like much to do with who you are. So if it's neither of these then you either need to spend a lot of cash on a really good psychotherapist or you get some good anti depressant medication to get rid of such a useless obsessive life limiting thoughts. Sertraline might work.

It's not about how you look. I personally find it very difficult to judge how someone looks after I get to know them. I only know this because other people will make a comment on someone's appearance and I'll be shocked by the comment because I see them so differently

That's very true actually.

Meh. I was born ‘good looking’ the family issue small nose , straight teeth , thick hair and tall , slim physique . I had no idea and have suffered with depression most of my life . I think beauty comes from confidence and a good personality tbh . Don’t waste your limited years on earth worrying about how you look . Most people we walk past in a day don’t even notice , seek happiness in what gives you pleasure . I eat cake , read books and sing even though I’m terrible at it , because you know , Fuck people and their opinions 🤷🏼‍♀️

Maybe look into body neutrality?

Yes, unfortunately. I've genuinely lost count of the number of times I've been followed or sexually assaulted.

Not that I'm saying these things don't happen to others and certainly they don't happen just because of how someone looks. But I'm fairly nervous naturally, quite shy, and I hate people staring at me.

I was actually an 'ugly duckling' because of a childhood accident. So all this was thrust upon me when I finally outgrew my scarring. You'd think it would be like a fairytale to go suddenly to being very, well I don't want to sound conceited, but beautiful, I guess. It was actually quite scary.

And it's done me no good in terms of confidence. I'm on antidepressants and have CPTSD. I'm also very ill, which is partly the reason why I'm thin too so that's not fabulous either.

I guess I'm saying, OP, never ever think you'll be happy when X or Y happens or if only they would. You have to be happy now. And balls, it's only looks. It really doesn't matter anything as long as you are a good and kind person.

@heartbroken40 What products (brand etc) do you use? PM if you prefer.

@AndIWouldHaveGotAwayWithItToo It does sound like body dysmorphia or 'just' being really down on yourself. It'd be worth chatting to a doctor or therapist as I'm sure how you feel can improve.

I have a friend who thinks she's really gorgeous but, when it comes to men, it's all she has (not that she realizes that.) And once you get into your 30s it doesn't overcome everything else.

@OldFan I use skinoren in the morning (buy it from the independent pharmacy) and tretinoin in the evening (I buy it from India). For minoxidil I take pills and I buy them from India too. Many people buy from India as these products are prescription in the U.K. and dermatologist appointments are very expensive

What sites do you use as obviously buying stuff online can be dodgy? (apart from independent pharmacy and those like that where you can check the qualifications/reputation of the staff.)