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Relationships

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Original poster

Texting his ex….

51 replies

Fuzzywuzzys · 06/11/2022 23:28

So I will start by saying this, the guy I’m seeing currently has treated me amazingly since I met him 5 months ago. He does have a young child but told me he broke up with his ex as they were not compatible but they do get on well enough for their child and talk every day.
When I first heard this I thought he was being mature, and thought it was nice they still got on well.

There has now been two incidents of what I think is inappropriate texting that I’ve seen. First he text her at about 3 in the morning to let her know he had fallen asleep which is why he didn’t answer, I saw this message whilst he typed it. I never said anything but whilst their conversation wasn’t anything wrong it also wasn’t about their child.
Tonight he was sat in front of the sofa on the floor, I’m lying down on the sofa. I can see she has text him to say she misses him, he then replies back with heart emojis. I’m torn between he didn’t say he missed her too, and he shouldn’t of sent anything like that. He’s said in the past he doesn’t want them to fall out but I do feel like SOMETHING is not right

OP posts:

blurer · 06/11/2022 23:36

I wouldn't be happy with that. I communicate with my ex about our Dd but would never dream of saying that. Also wouldn't entertain him texting me anything non-Dd related

Does she know about you?

Original poster

Fuzzywuzzys · 06/11/2022 23:39

She doesn’t know about me yet. He has said he needs to be around for their child and doesn’t want to rock the boat. He also said them being friends is important for their child and I guess if she knew he was with me, they would no longer be friends?

OP posts:

MightyOaks · 06/11/2022 23:44

Fuzzywuzzys · 06/11/2022 23:39

This is only going to go one way......

You need to RUN. Fast as you can. I've been in your exact shoes and, I've also been the mother in this scenario. This won’t end favourably to you, it never ever does when the lines are blurred like this

blurer · 06/11/2022 23:44

I would be completely uncomfortable with this as it doesn't sound like it's fully over.

I have an amicable co-parenting relationship with my ex but this only works because we've both accepted it's over & moved on

His relationship status shouldn't affect their ability to be civil for the sake of the dc

Why would him having a new partner rock the boat? He also sounds like he's leading her on

SandyY2K · 06/11/2022 23:47

With situations like this my view is simple... if you don't like what you're seeing.. then leave.

His child is young and they will be in each other's lives for a very long time yet. The miss you texts, show there are likely some feelings still there.

They still seem to have an emotional attachment.

Original poster

Fuzzywuzzys · 06/11/2022 23:59

The thing that stands out for me is he told me she broke his heart. But then said he realised they were not right for each other.

i actually agree that they are somehow emotionally attached in some way. I was soooo weary of seeing a man with kids because of this

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 07/11/2022 00:03

FFS, stop wasting your time on a man who clearly isn't invested in your relationship.

Theonlywayisup1 · 07/11/2022 00:06

I really feel for you, but I think it’s clear that he’s not over her. Sadly I think if I was you I’d walk away before you get really hurt. Tell him you’ve seen the messages about missing eachother, that he needs to be in a place where he can offer himself fully to someone else, and that clearly isn’t yet.

blurer · 07/11/2022 00:28

Fuzzywuzzys · 06/11/2022 23:59

The thing that stands out for me is he told me she broke his heart. But then said he realised they were not right for each other.

i actually agree that they are somehow emotionally attached in some way. I was soooo weary of seeing a man with kids because of this

I don't think it's fair to assume this is typically an issue of dating someone with a dc

I have a Dd and neither me nor my ex would dream of texting each other we missed each other (mainly because we don't). Similarly, if either of us got a new partner it wouldnt rock the boat or prevent us from being civil co-parents

Watchkeys · 07/11/2022 00:44

Have you not spoken to him about it? If you're not expressing relationship concerns to your partner, there's something worse than him texting an ex going on.

thenewduchessoflapland · 07/11/2022 00:53

You've been together 5 months and he's still pretending he's single to his ex;if he doesn't want to rock the boat then he's never going to tell her.

And it's not a case of if he gets back together with her but when.

You'll get your heart broken and he and the ex will swan off as a happy little family unit together.

Save yourself the aggravation and walk away with your dignity intact.

Guavafish1 · 07/11/2022 01:02

Behaviour is not correct

MsDogLady · 07/11/2022 01:05

Messages at 3 a.m. that aren’t about the child? Exchanging ‘I miss you’ and hearts? Fearful of telling her about you?

@Fuzzywuzzys, they are still emotionally enmeshed and you’re in for endless frustration. He’s not fully available to you.

Caution: You should never be anyone’s secret.

DiddlyDoris · 07/11/2022 01:32

Run.
Please leave him.
This is too similar to my situation, it's hell and it hurts and the behaviour gets more deceitful, or it has in my case even when I confronted OH.
Won't go into why I haven't left yet but it's on my mind frequently.

Opentooffers · 07/11/2022 02:24

I think it's probably best to get out of this now before you become more invested, luckily its only been 5 months. How long after they split did you get together? If it was only months or less, that's a red flag too.

DGay · 07/11/2022 02:48

How long have they been exs?

Quiegal · 07/11/2022 03:12

You come in the middle of a couple that broke up but still trying to sort feelings out for one and another.

I would end it because I feel like I am coming in the middle of something.

Until it's most definitely resolved as it seems she got a hold on him and always will.

emptythelitterbox · 07/11/2022 03:14

It sounds like you're the rebound and he wants to get back with her.

SandyY2K · 07/11/2022 08:57

If you're not expressing relationship concerns to your partner, there's something worse than him texting an ex going on.

I disagree with this.

You don't expect your BF to be constantly texting his ex, especially where its had nothing to do with their child.

It's not a case of express your concerns...sometimes you know and can see that the behaviour isn't acceptable and is not something a man would do, if he was over the Ex.

You must need to act on the information you have.

Common sense would tell him, that his current GF wouldn't be pleased with this messages.

Original poster

Fuzzywuzzys · 07/11/2022 09:48

It wasn’t so much constant texting just every now and again they would be chatting.

I actually told him last night what I had seen and he said I actually helped him get over her, she wasn’t right for him and I helped him realise this

OP posts:

LemonDrop22 · 07/11/2022 09:57

The first thing was a bit OTT.

He couldve waited til morning to say he'd fallen asleep or whatever and therefire hadn't replied to her last message.

The fact that he's messaging her in the early hours and that he feels he had to respond quite quickly or explain why he hasn't responded quickly .... Implies a levelmof intimacy akin to two people seeing each other/involved with each other.

Onto her messaging she misses him and him responding with heart emojis.

Absolutely and utterly inappropriate given he's in a relationship with someone else.

Hes either still entangled with her or playing along with being entangled with her. The letter is not much better.

Hiding the fact he's seeing you, making sure she doesn't even know he's got a girlfriend... . Really bad as well.

They are not disentangled, they are still involved. This is not a good relationship for you.

In fact it's not a relationship at all if he can't be honest about being with you.

He's still involved with her but seeing you. And lying by omission about seeing you. It's cheating really.

LemonDrop22 · 07/11/2022 09:58

*the latter

LemonDrop22 · 07/11/2022 10:02

He's playing you both. Stringing you both along.

If he claims it's to keep things civil for his child/for access to his child .... This is a really shitty, immature, dishonest way to go about it.

He should be honest he's in a new relationship and if she truly then tried to make it difficult or impossible for him to see his child, he can go through mediation and court to get access.

It's not ideal but if she really acts that poorly, that's what he'd have to do.

One way of insuring she'll be angry, hurt etc is to string her along like this.... Acting like they're still involved. Responding positively and lovingly to get saying she missed him, messaging her at inappropriate times for people not in a relationship, acting like it's supper important he messages her back promptly and explaining why if not; that's all acting like they're involved.

He's being deeply unfair to her given he had a gf lying beside him. And he's being deeply unfair to you

Hiding you and acting inappropriately towards his ex while with you.

LemonDrop22 · 07/11/2022 10:08

He's also moved on very quickly for a man with a very young child.

Not really a good sign about someone.

But the worst part is the lying to the mother of his child (and other people presumably) about moving on.

He wants all the benefits of moving on and seeing you - sex, fun, company, support etc but none of the disadvantages.... Like letting the mother of his child know he's moved in and dealing with her hurt, or her knowing he's moved on so she might do so too.

I've noticed the last one is a favourite of shit men ..... Nice on themselves but try to make sure their ex doesn't. They can have sex and bond with someone new, but she's not allowed to. I think he wants to keep her attached to him. Not just cause he's too cowardky to face her pain, disappointment and anger; but also so he can keep her in his rotation, not moving on to another man.

LemonDrop22 · 07/11/2022 10:10

*Move on themselves

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