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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need support for no contact

29 replies

ineedtogetalife · 06/11/2022 20:49

Hi

Long time lurker in need of help.

I've been seeing someone long distance for over 4 years. He's wanted to live together but t my circumstances make that difficult.

He's now getting to know someone else and I'm devastated.

I've just blocked him but it's so hard.

Help me get through this.
I know I'm worth more but feel rubbish.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 06/11/2022 20:55

Keep them blocked. On everything.

Do not search for them. On social media or search engines.

Delete all past messages. Their number. This hurts because they’re gone forever but it’s for the best in the long run.

Keep yourself busy. Put the phone down. Go outside. Spend time with people who make you laugh.

I’m sorry. I promise you will feel better in time 💐

toucancancan · 06/11/2022 20:55

One day at a time. If you can sign up for a meditation app it can really help you breath through tough moments and find some peace and calm

toucancancan · 06/11/2022 20:57

Also spend time with people you love, and make plans - lots of them - to give you a sense of purpose outside this relationship, keep busy and distracted. You will get through this.

ineedtogetalife · 07/11/2022 04:04

I'm not eating or sleeping.
I'm upset as we have holidays booked.
He still wanted to go on these as the person he's seeing is a single parent to 5 kids and obviously can't do all the things we did.

I think that hurts the most. Long distance with me wasn't good enough although we did lots of things.

He's willing to throw that away for someone in a worse situation.

OP posts:
ineedtogetalife · 07/11/2022 04:46

Ive been demoted from partner to fwb

OP posts:
Iizzyb · 07/11/2022 04:59

ineedtogetalife · 07/11/2022 04:46

Ive been demoted from partner to fwb

Sorry to hear things have ended op. However you absolutely don't have to accept this "demotion" and need to walk away altogether and protect yourself. He's just being a total cf re the holidays xx

ineedtogetalife · 07/11/2022 06:40

I know but it hurts so much

OP posts:
Bedazzled22 · 07/11/2022 06:46

So sorry - did you end it because you found out he was seeing someone else ? You mustnt accept being used by him. You are worth more than being his second option. Its hard and horrible i know

Darbs76 · 07/11/2022 06:50

he’s wrong to just start seeing someone else but I guess he saw no future in a long distance relationship with no chance of that changing anytime soon. I think it’s better you both move on and cancel the holidays or do a name change for a friend

ineedtogetalife · 07/11/2022 06:57

He is seeing someone else.

A single woman with 5 children and who lives further than me.

I'm not going on holidays with him.

He wants to be with her but carry on seeing me and holidays and sex.

OP posts:
ineedtogetalife · 07/11/2022 07:00

I know I need to walk away but it's so hard.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/11/2022 08:34

It’s hurts so bad

and it takes a lot of steely discipline

like everyone said

block and delete ALL social media
do not stalk - its literally self harm
delete contact
go totally NO CONTACT

keep busy , get some evening plans like exercise classes etc

its going to be hard to replace that gaping hole
you’ll think you’ll never get over it

but the main trick is to keep busy and also
exercise really helps
mentally , physically and self esteem

ineedtogetalife · 07/11/2022 08:44

Thank you for all the advice.

I know what I need to do. I'm just finding it hard.

I have a busy life and that's why we couldn't live together but it's not a particularly happy life

OP posts:
toucancancan · 07/11/2022 19:25

You can use this as an opportunity to reassess what you want from your life and make the changes you can to work towards this yourself.

Hehx3 · 07/11/2022 19:44

OMG he is not really a good guy is he?
Please stop it. Dont let it damage your self-worth. Someone else is missing out on you while you suffering in this.
It will get easier I promise 😘

FlissyPaps · 07/11/2022 22:36

Aww OP. He sounds AWFUL!

How dare he try and treat you so disposable with such disregard for your feelings.

Try and turn this sadness into anger.

Ask yourself ”why the hell would I want someone who doesn’t give a shit about me?”. And repeat it to yourself.

You are worth so much more than this.

He wants his cake and eat it. Don’t allow him to.

Block him and delete his number. Please. For your own sanity and mental health.

It’s like ripping off a plaster. Do it slowly, the longer it will hurt. You’re dragging it out. Do it quick, the pain is still there. The pain won’t change. But you won’t feel it for as long.

Come on, you’ve got this!💪Time to remember who you are and what you’re worth! He ain’t shit! Now is the time to build up your self esteem and confidence. No confident woman will allow this treatment from a man. No way. Not ever.

If this was your friend in your position, what would you tell her? Youd tell her to block his ass and go out into the big, exciting, wild world and live your life without this sleeze dragging you down.

Time is short. Spend yours with people who truly care about you and appreciate you. Blocking and no contact will be hard. But, it will be so so worth it in the long run.

💐

SavouryPancake · 08/11/2022 12:11

Someone with 5 kids, living even further away, doesn’t at all explain ending your relationship due to distance.

There has to be a lot more to this?

ineedtogetalife · 08/11/2022 15:19

The reason is not distance. He wanted to live together but this is not possible for me at the moment.

He was going to move further away and stay with family and would see this new woman. He can't and won't want to live with her but he would be able to see her daily as she lives close to the family.

He then wanted to go on holidays with me as he wouldn't be able to with her and the odd meet up every couple of months.

OP posts:
ineedtogetalife · 08/11/2022 15:22

He says it's my fault as I wouldn't commit.

OP posts:
ineedtogetalife · 08/11/2022 15:36

He says it wouldn't be any different to what we are doing now we just won't see each other as much.

He'll just be seeing someone else when he's not with me.

He doesn't like being on his own.

He said that we're not exclusive. That was news to me.

OP posts:
SavouryPancake · 08/11/2022 15:39

Get your sexual health tested. Non exclusive relationships can be dangerous to your health.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/11/2022 16:46

ineedtogetalife

well the main differences are

he’s fucking someone else
every time you talk that’s going to be on your mind
every time you fuck it’s going to be on your mind

and this is after something that was exclusively I assume ? So a big change

so you either

find yourself another local man on the side who is open for casual too and continue ….

or
continue with him and feel shitty all the time

or say
OK pal , you can’t have your cake and eat it - and end it and walk away

FlissyPaps · 08/11/2022 18:49

ineedtogetalife · 08/11/2022 15:36

He says it wouldn't be any different to what we are doing now we just won't see each other as much.

He'll just be seeing someone else when he's not with me.

He doesn't like being on his own.

He said that we're not exclusive. That was news to me.

This should be enough for you to have the ick, laugh at him and never see him again.

Seriously, please know your worth. Why on earth would you want to be with a selfish dead beat like him?

ineedtogetalife · 08/11/2022 18:59

Sorry I don't know how to tag or quote anyone.

This man is not the man I've known for over 4 years.

He's treated me so well for over 4 years. He's cooked for me,taken care of me, sends me thoughtful gifts as a surprise and taken me to amazing places. He's always been there no matter what. I felt so safe and loved.

I think this is why I'm so shocked.

OP posts:
SavouryPancake · 09/11/2022 07:56

What you’re describing sounds very hard to give up.
Did you make him feel safe and loved, too?