Default parent - feel like I’m drowning

[5star123]

Anyone tired of not just being the default parent but the default person in the household for EVERYTHING? I blame myself really and think I’ve enabled the situation by allowing my husband to be so useless but it’s got to the point where I feel like I’m drowning.

Absolutely everything in the house comes to me. I’m currently on maternity leave with my six month son so I’m caring for him full time (exclusively breastfeeding); I organise everything to do with my 5 year old at school (clubs, school meals, reading, homework, activities etc), all her extra curricular clubs like swimming, dance, drama; food shopping and everything we need for the house (including all furnishings/decorations); all the bills and finances; my husband’s business invoices and accounts (including his yearly self-assessment); any trips/holidays we take are planned and organised by me (including all of the packing and unpacking). My husband does do a lot of the cooking but even then I feel like I have to be ‘thankful’ for that. The other only things I can think that he does is put the bins out and mow the effing lawn. I have to remember the date and time for everything in everyone’s schedules and it feels like he doesn’t even bother to remember details like that as he just knows he can ask me a thousand times. We have a running joke that I say to him ‘what would you do if I die?’ but it doesn’t really feel like a joke any more.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to achieve by posting this on here. I know a lot of women feel the same and I follow a few accounts on Instagram that talk about this sort of thing. But it’s honestly making me resent my husband and when I try to talk to him about it he gets defensive and we end up arguing. I’m currently having CBT sessions to help with post-natal anxiety but he’s never really talked to me about it or tried to understand why I need it. Writing all this out he sounds like the biggest dick in the world and I probably sound like a massive control freak but I’m don’t know what is going to happen when I go back to work next year and I have to juggle that too.

Be kind!

Well stop doing things.

at the very least stop doing things for him.

write a list of all the tasks you do for him. Let him know you won’t be doing them. Then stop doing them.

obvs you can’t just stop doing things for your daughter.

his reaction to this will tell you whether he will change and the relationship will survive.

I mean why are you doing his invoices for him??

thats not even anything that could remotely fall within the scope of a sahp

It's tough and quite hard to turn around. I ended up delegating certain tasks to him but it is frustrating as they often don't get done. I don't know if it's easier to just do everything tbh as you can easily end up managing him to do his work which is another task for you! I find it particularly frustrating that he gets paid way more than me and wouldn't get away with the same behaviour at work!

I am exactly the same OP and it got worse on mat leave with my second. Now I’m back at work I’ve had to address it with my DH as he either needs to accept I can’t work, or will struggle to find an employer that will accommodate me if I am so tied to the children and have to do every single PU and day off when they’re ill or he needs to help me. He’s stepped up.

@Diyverymuchanewbie I do his invoices for him because he wouldn’t even be able to turn on a computer let alone do his own invoice. Which sounds pathetic doesn’t it!

@Delabruche this is exactly what I try telling him, that telling him and then reminding him to do a job is a job in itself! And you are right I don’t trust him to do it properly which has made me into a complete control freak 😖

@HotCoffee22 I’ve definitely found it’s been worse this maternity leave too!

he wouldn’t even be able to turn on a computer let alone do his own invoice
I think he'd figure this out pretty quick smart if he couldn't get paid.

Is he paying you for the work you do for his company? If not, why not? It's tax efficient apart from the obvious fact that you are doing this work.

In terms of remembering dates and times of everything, I hope you're using a shared calendar (Google, Outlook, physical whatever it may be)? If yes, just direct him to that every time he asks you when something is happening. I wouldn't do his packing either.

Well yes it is pathetic.

unless he has a learning disability an adult
who can’t use a computer is choosing not to do so.

but I suspect thst you are also benefiting in some way from being taken advantage of so spectacular - in that it is fulfilling a dysfunctional need - to be needed, to be a martyr- something along those lines.

so it’s not just a matter of him changing but als you working out why on earth you would put up with being taken advantage of and being treated with a spectacular lack of respect

A grown adult is also capable of packing his own clothes

i bet you do all the washing

i was at a friends house once when a cupboard door fell open and her partner stared in wonder at the linen closet with all the sheets. Wow he said I didn’t know they were there. They both worked full time. I could watch before my eyes as a bit more of her love for him died

I think most of this is fair enough if you are a SAHM at the minute (the only bit i think is out of order is the part about you doing his invoices)

If you are expected/expecting to go back to work then things need to change then and you need to make it crystal clear to him that he has household responsobilites too.

But, i woukdnt follow moaning people on instagram, itll just annoy you and put a wedge in your marriage.

Shared calendar. Tell him you won't do his accounts any more. An accountant often knows stuff about allowances etc that saves the cost of employing them anyway.

I have a 5 yr old, she doesn't take much organising? Is yours doing too many clubs? But get DH to do homework with her.

Ask him to plan the next holiday. Give him tips eg book early for more choice and cheaper price, aim to go to xyz place but leave it to him.

What you're talking about is the mental load, he won't suddenly pick it up unless you make him.

Thanks all.

I’ve just set-up a shared calendar with him so let’s see how we get on with that.

I should have said I refuse to pack his clothes for trips etc but yes I do all the washing and [what little I can get away with] ironing.

@Diyverymuchanewbie and yes I guess in some perverse way I feel like I have the high road and can play the ‘martyr’ card but I do realise this is not conducive for a healthy relationship. I just know that if I do a job it will get done, something I just can’t trust him to do. Maybe I just have to start dropping plates and see what he catches…

Indeed.

the reality is he probably will let thek
crash - and then your decision is whether you want to spend a life with a man who is like that.

Although his phone battery is currently dead so he said he would check out the shared calendar later. In my head I’m thinking he won’t…

He’s notoriously bad at technology. He’s currently locked out of all his online banking apps which makes my eye twitch 😶

honestly I suspect you get a lot out of feeling superior.

but I think you are now realising that the price for that might not be worth it

Is he actually ok?? Holding down a job?

He sounds utterly pathetic

This is what I’m afraid of. In the early days of our relationship it was manageable as it was just the two of us. Even with one child I got by. The arrival of our second has tipped me over the edge…

He’s self employed and earns well although he obviously has me behind him doing the admin. It’s only a few hours a month, nothing extensive, but it still adds to my to-do list.

He works hard, is a great father and, like I said, does the majority of the cooking. Oh and he walks the dog 😂I forgot about the dog 😂

Honestly (I mean this with great respect) I was back at work when dc were 5 months and did all of that (dh doesn’t cook but does the bins and lawn)

but we do tend to do too much. I have quit doing a lot that I used to do (ironing his stuff etc)

She does dance before school on one day, swimming, drama class and is just starting football at the weekends (which tbf he is taking her to) but it also feels like there’s something on every bloody week at school that needs remembering or paying for.

But yes you are right, the mental load is what’s crushing me.

I would love it if I got to not to the bits of my job that I couldn’t be bothered to, got to cook a lot (bet you do the shopping) and had some downtime walking the dog!

i do have a lot of sympathy for you op. A lot.

give him a chance - he might suprise you - and then decide what you think will work long term for the best for you and your children.

Yep I do the meal
planning and food shopping.

Thank you for your kind words. If anything it’s taught me that I will not raise my son the way my husband was raised! My MIL would still make his lunches/do his washing for him if he asked so I’m convinced she has a lot to answer for 😂but realise I’ve enabled this behaviour too!

He sounds like a useless teenager rather than an equal partner in your family. As you say he's got away with it for far too long and his mum treating him like a baby hasn't helped. Time for him to grow up or your marriage will drown in resentment before long.

Putting everything else aside - the invoice thing. Does he have a smartphone that he uses? How old is he as you mention young children. Cos there's being un computer savvy and there's just hating filling in forms so im just trying to ascertain which camp he falls into.

Agree with @wardrobe

With mine, it took a long hospital stay (for him) to make me realize that life was easier without him! I did everything anyway and things ran more smoothly when he wasn’t there.

Yes he is a 38 year old iPhone user. Although he only really uses it for calls, messages, the news, Sky Sports etc. He’s not on social media as it doesn’t interest him.

I use a business accounting software on my laptop to do all his accounts. On there I can generate his invoices, input his expenses and then run reports to do his self assessment. He used to have an accountant but a few years ago we had to tighten our belts and I taught myself how to file his tax return (his business isn’t overly complicated) to save us £300-odd in accountant fees and have been doing it ever since.