Default parent - feel like I’m drowning

[5star123]

Anyone tired of not just being the default parent but the default person in the household for EVERYTHING? I blame myself really and think I’ve enabled the situation by allowing my husband to be so useless but it’s got to the point where I feel like I’m drowning.

Absolutely everything in the house comes to me. I’m currently on maternity leave with my six month son so I’m caring for him full time (exclusively breastfeeding); I organise everything to do with my 5 year old at school (clubs, school meals, reading, homework, activities etc), all her extra curricular clubs like swimming, dance, drama; food shopping and everything we need for the house (including all furnishings/decorations); all the bills and finances; my husband’s business invoices and accounts (including his yearly self-assessment); any trips/holidays we take are planned and organised by me (including all of the packing and unpacking). My husband does do a lot of the cooking but even then I feel like I have to be ‘thankful’ for that. The other only things I can think that he does is put the bins out and mow the effing lawn. I have to remember the date and time for everything in everyone’s schedules and it feels like he doesn’t even bother to remember details like that as he just knows he can ask me a thousand times. We have a running joke that I say to him ‘what would you do if I die?’ but it doesn’t really feel like a joke any more.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to achieve by posting this on here. I know a lot of women feel the same and I follow a few accounts on Instagram that talk about this sort of thing. But it’s honestly making me resent my husband and when I try to talk to him about it he gets defensive and we end up arguing. I’m currently having CBT sessions to help with post-natal anxiety but he’s never really talked to me about it or tried to understand why I need it. Writing all this out he sounds like the biggest dick in the world and I probably sound like a massive control freak but I’m don’t know what is going to happen when I go back to work next year and I have to juggle that too.

Be kind!

I feel exactly the same.

The problem with everyone telling you to just stop, is that these things still need doing so then you just end up thinking about them more and worrying about whether he’ll do them, so it’s easier to do them yourself.

This is exactly how I feel. I struggle to just let things go.

It's good that you want to raise your son differently, but he'll be watching all this. His parents' relationship is his blueprint, and actions speak louder than words so it's best if you walk the walk, not just talk the talk - let your husband sink a bit and he'll have to learn to swim.

Sorry for so many figures od speech but they kind of work!

@Diablocircus exactly this! For me it’s all in the detail. For example he’ll sit and read with DD but he will always forget to write in her school reading record which means she doesn’t get her reward star at school which she gets upset about. I can never trust that he’s done it even though it’s the easiest thing in the world!

@Grimsknee this is a good point, thank you. DS is only six months old but DD is five so she will be watching and learning.

I keep having to double check I've not written the OP in my sleep, right down to the refusal to use the accounting software because of alleged computer illiteracy and forgetting to write in the reading book. Or remember to put the book back in the reading bag.

no advice, I'm at the end of my tether with it all too. I've refused to do the VAT this quarter as he's never once even acknowldged the huge favour I'm doing him.

it's due at midnight tonight, he's still not rung the accountant.

sick of being a mug

taught myself how to file his tax return (his business isn’t overly complicated) to save us £300-odd in accountant fees and have been doing it ever since.

This kind of thing is really well intentioned but can end up in disaster. Have you kept up with things like additional NI changes, is he paying the right amount into a pension, is he ready for Making Tax Digital? Might be time to reinstate that accountant and force your DH to recognise the value of having someone external do it. My DH asked me to do his accounts and tax when he went self employed and I absolutely refused. I'm not risking getting it wrong and him blaming me instead of using a qualified professional

I now point blank refuse to do anything for my husband that he could do himself. Obviously I will always put kids needs first and would never see them disadvantaged by refusing to do things for them, but sometimes he'll say "Could you make a hairdressers/dentist/doctor apt for me?" He thinks I'm being rude when I say no but I just remind him he's a 50 yr old man and perfectly capable of doing it himself.

My DH asked me to do his accounts and tax when he went self employed and I absolutely refused. I'm not risking getting it wrong and him blaming me instead of using a qualified professional
Agreed - not to mention not getting advice on how best to use allowances in a given tax year, and advice on things like the tax benefits of paying your spouse for work they are doing for the firm!

Does he have VAT returns to do, OP? They are a pain in the arse.

I find it amazing that the invoicing can both be so not-complicated that you can do it as a favour to him, whilst also so mindblowingly complicated he couldn't do it himself.

Yes he’ll be getting a new van early next year so I/we will definitely need advice on how best to claim that as an asset so I have already been thinking to switch back to an accountant for his 2022/23 books. Fortunately he isn’t VAT registered - he’s just a sole trader - so his accounts really aren’t over-complicated. But he’s a man who struggles to send an email. This is what I’m dealing with.

I do think he struggles with his confidence and I’ve over-compensated for this over the years. He isn’t lazy, he just has this inherent ability to bury his head in the sand and then he hates himself for it. Maybe when we first got together I subconsciously enjoyed being his ‘saviour’ and now I’m regretting my life choices 😂

I’ve set up a shared calendar which he now has on his phone. Last night I told him I am close to losing my mind and he needs to take more responsibility; this evening he came home with a to-do list written out so let’s see how long it lasts for!

You’re just making excuses for him Op

yiure worried about his lack of confidence - he doesn’t give a shit about the fact that you’re drowning in stress

hes a grown up - how can a lack of confidence mean that he’s not capable of working out he needs to ask an accountant how to treat a new van?

I wish I could talk to your husband. This situation is very salvageable but it won't be in a decade's time if he carries on like this.

Here are the possible things are are going on here -

1. He's taken a backseat simply because he can. He feels quite comfortable in letting you run around do most things. He knows that you simply care too much and are too much of a good little worker-bee to let things slide. All he has to do is try a little to do this & that.....but if he doesn't do it......then it doesn't matter, because he knows you'll be there to sort everything out for him.

A lot of women get totally shafted by strategic incompetence. Their husbands seemed to manage just fine before they came along.....but all of a sudden, they can't manage their own finances, can't remember doctor's appointments, have no idea how to meal-plan or sometimes even pay the bills.

All of their adulting somehow goes out of the window as soon as a helpful little Dobbie-Wife comes into their lives. Unfortunately, the only way to force them to get their act together is to take away something from them that they want, which is you. Any change might not last long though as team work might not be in their nature.

2. He likes being passive (has infantilised himself so you are now a quasi mother figure to him). It's unnatractive, but a bit more salvageable than the first scenario.

3. He assumed that because you are at home all the time, you would turn into a 1950s adoring housewife and he would be able to come home and have his pipe & slippers ready for him. This may be why you feel like you're doing him a favour. If he's one of these, don't expect things to change when you get back to work. He will still view most household & child related tasks as your responsibility....and now you'll have to do all of those on top your actual job. If he earns enough to support the both of you, he (and he won't necessarily be honest about this), will see you going back to work as a choice. He'll be resentful about that and will make damn sure that he doesn't do anything extra as a result of it. Your role, whether you knew it or not, was so stay at home once the children were born, not go gallivanting back to work.

4. He's one of those people that need to have specific tasks allocated to them. You need to sit down with him and have him agree on taking on certain duties. It might take him a week or two to get into the rhythm of it, but he'll find it easier to stick to his allocated tasks rather than share everything. My tip is to make sure he takes on a good share of daily tasks, not just occasional ones like mowing the lawn!!

You might want to show him this as well -

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

I think it’s a mix of 2 and 4. It’s definitely not 3 as I earn more than him so me going back to work isn’t a choice.

He’s definitely a passive person and I think I’ve made this worse by taking on everything even if I did have good intentions at the time. You are right it’s only going to get worse if things carry on as they are.

I’m sorry you are going through the same thing. It’s exhausting isn’t it 😫Luckily my husband isn’t VAT registered as I think dealing with VAT would tip me over the edge!

Ok - if it's 2, then he's still chosen a relationship dynamic that you didn't agree to. It may work for him, but it doesn't work for you, and in that way, it's selfishness, not a lack of ability. He'll most likely want to keep this dynamic as he simply doesn't have to do as much work or parenting.

Ask yourself - given the nature of his work and the hours he works, what do you expect him to do. It needs to be specific, not an exasperated hands-in-the air 'something!'.

Then, you'll need to really understand how much of this is coming from him guilt-tripping you. This includes passive aggresive guilt tripping like sighing, frowning, withholding affection, silences, or snide little comments. How much of it is you feeling guilty because maybe you've been raised to think that all these things are somehow only your responsibility? How much of it is coming from you infantilising him, thinking of him like a child you need to take care of, not trusting him to do certain things well himself? Is there any part of you that is secretly proud of being being seen as the one who gets stuff done. The one who is always excelling and working the hardest? All that needs to be sorted out first before you have a go at changing this part of your relationship.

These in particular stood out to me -

all the bills and finances; my husband’s business invoices and accounts (including his yearly self-assessment)

How the fuck did you end up doing his accounts and invoices??????????? Are you an accountant by trade? Do you have extra-special abilities that he doesn't??

including all of the packing and unpacking

Please walk me through how you ended up doing his packing for him? When was the first occasion you did this? What were the circumstances? Did he ask you to do it? Did you offer? Did he say anything like 'but you're so good as this sort of stuff! I'm useless at it!!'.

Everyone who has been though it and got to the other side has felt like that. Nobody finds it easy but eventually something changes and you can just let stuff not be done and not care. Then and only then do they change (and that is a still only if they are capable)

@EarthSight I think he needs to take control of his own business. I think not only will that relieve the pressure on me but will help him too. The problem I have is trusting him to do it as our livelihoods depend on it! My big concern is him forgetting to pay a bill/going overdrawn etc and then it becoming a credit rating issue which hits us when we come to remortgage. When we first met he had defaulted bank accounts and an awful credit rating which I have slowly improved over the years. Basically I just don't trust him which sounds awful doesn't it?

I admitted on an earlier post that a part of me probably does like being able to take the high road and be the martyr that does everything. And I realise this isn't healthy. I don't think he guilt trips me at all - over the years I've had the mentality of 'if you want something doing properly then do it yourself' and it's just got out of hand. Like I said in my OP maybe I'm more of a control freak than I realised.

I've probably ended up doing his accounts/invoices as I've grown up seeing my mum do the same for my dad's business (including his VAT!) At first typing up a few invoices seemed like nothing but I've taken on more and more as his business has grown and I do need to take a step back.

The packing comment was me getting carried away - I do his washing etc but stop short of actually putting his clothes in a bag 😂I do all the unpacking and washing afterwards though.

Ah, OP.

I could've written your post and all of the replies you sent, too. In fact, for a little minute I had to check I hadn't written this while I was sleeping!

I think the only difference for my and my DH, is that he's been recently diagnosed with adhd. It doesn't show as you'd automatically associate with adhd, but it has answered a lot of questions we have had over the years about his behaviour - poor financial control, disorganisation, not great with IT (struggling to learn new things) - just a couple of examples.

After 20 years of this building up, I am learning a lot about our family dynamics. Yes, like you I am a bit of a martyr, but having a chronic illness start this year, I have learnt to slow the hell down and take some me time.

Interestingly, one of the PP mentioned about guilt tripping, and the associated behaviour a such as sighing, ignoring, etc (DH does this when I take 'me' time). The posts here have really made me think more about our relationship and I appreciate their thoughts.

I don't have any answers, apart from saying - you have to make some changes. You have to show your kids that mommy has to have time on her own. EG- on a wknd day, take yourself out of the room and lie on the bed for 30 minutes with a magazine. Announce to DH you're taking half an hour out as you need some space. Alternatively, arrange a coffee with a friend while he has (his own) kids for an hour.

It's also really worth talking to him about it. Sit him down and just open up. It doesn't need to be aggressive and finger pointy, but it needs to be honest. We have tried to be more open and honest in our relationship in the last few months and it has definitely helped. I have listened to some great podcasts recently that have made me realise I'm not on my own and I'm not going mad. There are decades of unhealthy patriarchal/familial attitudes, standards and beliefs that make us who we are, and I'm not going to feel bad because of who I have turned out to be. I now know I don't have to remain being that person.

If you want to pm me for a further chat, please do. You're not alone OP ❤️

@ShirleyValentin3 thank you so much for taking the time out to reply. It is very reassuring to know I’m not alone in my situation and feelings.

It’s really interesting that you mention ADHD as in the past year I have wondered if there something else going on with him as his forgetfulness is off the scale. I often blame it on him just not listening to me but we will literally be having a conversation about something and then not even five minutes later he will bring it up again like we’ve never talked about it. He also tells me things that I told him in the first place, or forget that he’s already told me. The other day we were watching a film and I pointed out the actor was from a TV show we liked and literally two minutes later he said ‘oh look that’s the actor from such-and-such’. He is also always losing things like his keys, wallet etc. It’s got that bad that it’s crossed my mind that he could have early onset dementia or something!

I guess these are all reasons why I simply don’t trust him to take on such high value responsibilities. But you are right I need to sit down with him, it’s just finding the right time when I’m not frazzled from bedtime with my 5 year old or have a six month old baby hanging off my boob 😁

The forgetfulness and loss of concentration are one of our main issues. It's a constant battle to 'help' him remember things, so life doesn't fall apart.

Asking my DH to remember to put the bins out is one thing, but to arrange a holiday as a PP suggested would be near on impossible.

If you suspect he has something like adhd, I'd do a bit of reading around it. There are many gentle and explorative tests online that you can do to gauge it. If it's really something you think is happening, you may benefit from a diagnosis, and/or some counselling.

It's a really tricky thing, because even if it becomes apparent that he has it, where does that leave you? Still holding the baby (and everything else?). That's where I am atm. It's occurred to me that actually, things aren't going to change and this is my life.

Also, how much of it is adhd, and how much is learned behaviour from me enabling him? I've had all of the emotions over the last year or so and am seeking some counselling to help me process it.

There are a couple of golden threads in mn (and other places) if you seek them. As I said, I'd happily have a chat if you wanted.

All the best xx