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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help :(

30 replies

southeastlady · 06/11/2022 06:58

On Thursday night just before I was about to leave for my night shift my husband told me he wasn’t happy and would be moving out.

We have an 8 year old child.
Absolutely shocked.
On Friday night he stayed at his brothers house, last night he slept in the spare room. Not sure if he’s moving out today or even where he’s going.

My Dad died 5 months ago and I must admit I did cry on Thursday when he told me, but trying not to do that again but very difficult.

I have the added worry that I work in the emergency services which is shift work that involves early, late and night shifts so with my husband gone I have no one

Feeling very lost in life :(

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 06/11/2022 07:00

Is he going to have your child so you can work ?
Money is going to be very important, so get that sorted first, then think about the rest.

airey · 06/11/2022 07:06

Has he ever talked about leaving before or signalled that he was unhappy? Or could there be someone else?

has he been going through a rough time, or had mental health issues at all?

SchrodingersKettle · 06/11/2022 07:08

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. I was still in bits 5 months after ny dad died, so I can imagine you're already dealing with so much, and your DH leaving so abruptly is incredibly cruel. So much for "for better, for worse".

You are allowed to cry, of course you are.

Has your DH mentioned how he plans to handle telling your DC that he is leaving, and what the plan will be to care for him? You could point out that your work makes it impossible for you to stand up childcare - so if he puts you into a situation where you are unable to work, then the child will suffer.

Don't forget that you do have a right to Parental Leave - but also remember thay means no income.

Did you have any clues it was coming, do you think he would be prepared to try counselling to see if things can be improved? Simply to walk out with no conversation seems odd and extreme...

ErinAndTonic · 06/11/2022 07:08

Could he be seeing someone else and that's where he really went Friday?

C1N1C · 06/11/2022 07:49

For the posters above saying it was abrupt and harsh given timings, or the "for better or worse" comment, we have no idea how long he has been feeling this way... for all we know he has been upset for three years, tried his best and maybe even considered breaking up before her father died and has been hanging in there for support as long as he could and has now reached his absolute breaking point... There's never a 'nice' time to break someone's heart.
...or he could just be a selfish dick, we simply don't know.

The way I'd see this is at least you know. Clean breaks are hard but they are also refreshing. As those above have said, obviously there are important questions to answer, but really, do you need to know the 'why'? He's made his point clear, and you can try to talk him back, but anyone that can leave, probably should leave. They 'why' will just muddy the water.

Still, I'm sorry... this is where friends and family really come into their own, hopefully. Don't be shy on asking for help and reinvigorating those relationships.

RandomMusings7 · 06/11/2022 07:54

If he's never voiced his grievances before and this is truly out of left field, then the simplest explanation is that there is another woman involved.

Rewriting history and criticising you and the relationship for all kinds of outrageous reasons is the first step in the Cheating Man Script.

Read up on the script and be prepared.

I'm so sorry 😞

Lovefilms · 06/11/2022 07:54

You both need to sit down and talk details about how to move forward. He needs to support you with childcare !

JanglyBeads · 06/11/2022 08:19

For the posters above saying it was abrupt and harsh given timings, or the "for better or worse" comment, we have no idea how long he has been feeling this way

What posters? I can't see anyone saying those things/ comments?

Quiegal · 06/11/2022 10:40

Lovefilms · 06/11/2022 07:54

You both need to sit down and talk details about how to move forward. He needs to support you with childcare !

I agree

bigblueyonder · 06/11/2022 10:50

Understandable you feel lost and probably a bit out of control. A major decision was made without your consultation.

But you need to move forward. See a solicitor, work out with your husband how child care will happen and get support from friends and family.

Original poster
southeastlady · 06/11/2022 16:26

KangarooKenny · 06/11/2022 07:00

Is he going to have your child so you can work ?
Money is going to be very important, so get that sorted first, then think about the rest.

He's asked his Mum to help.

She's 71

What a dick

OP posts:
Original poster
southeastlady · 06/11/2022 16:27

airey · 06/11/2022 07:06

Has he ever talked about leaving before or signalled that he was unhappy? Or could there be someone else?

has he been going through a rough time, or had mental health issues at all?

He's one of life's miserable bastards unfortunately, he could win the lottery and still find something to moan about.

OP posts:
Original poster
southeastlady · 06/11/2022 16:31

ErinAndTonic · 06/11/2022 07:08

Could he be seeing someone else and that's where he really went Friday?

I know he stayed at his brother's house on Friday night, 100%. I think he feels like the grass is greener on the other side where he can go out and shag whoever he wants.
But he did similar 3 years ago and went to live with Mummy for a month and then came back.
If I still did a 9-5 office job I'd be packing up his stuff for him but now I need him here for childcare reasons

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 06/11/2022 16:33

So he’s done it before ? I’d be packing his bag, and giving him a list of when he needs to have your child so you can work.

Original poster
southeastlady · 06/11/2022 16:34

Thank you all. The only person I have to help me is my 71 year old MIL.

I do have a Mum but she told me 2 weeks ago she is selling the family home and moving closer to my brother (a 2hr drive away)

OP posts:
Original poster
southeastlady · 06/11/2022 16:37

KangarooKenny · 06/11/2022 16:33

So he’s done it before ? I’d be packing his bag, and giving him a list of when he needs to have your child so you can work.

Yep! The other problem I have is that I can afford the mortgage on my own now, but our fixed rate of 1.8% is up in April and the best our broker has found for us is 5.4%........

I know it's only a house but its in a really nice road and I worked so hard for it

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 06/11/2022 16:41

Rates might be different in April.
‘I know what you mean about the house, it’s the only reason I’m still with DH. If he’d take pension for his half of the house I’d snap his hand off !

ViolinPin · 06/11/2022 16:42

Does you h work full time or part time ?

Do you work full time or part time ?

Original poster
southeastlady · 06/11/2022 16:43

ViolinPin · 06/11/2022 16:42

Does you h work full time or part time ?

Do you work full time or part time ?

We both work full time

OP posts:
ViolinPin · 06/11/2022 16:46

Have there been no grievances discussed before ?

So you work, evenings, nights and early morning, so do you sleep whist daughter is at school ?

Does your h do 9 to 5 day shifts and then evenings looks after your daughter ?

What does your day look like ?

It may not be a automatically be a woman.

ThingsIhavelearnt · 06/11/2022 16:48

Check what you are entitled to

discount in council tax and CM immediately etc

Original poster
southeastlady · 06/11/2022 16:49

The 8 year old is a boy :)

I work 6 days then get 4 days off.

The 6 days are 2 earlies (7am - 4pm) 2 lates (2pm - 11:30pm) and 2 nights (10pm - 7am)

My husband starts work at 7am and is usually home by 4pm

When I come off a night shift I go home and sleep yes

OP posts:
Original poster
southeastlady · 06/11/2022 16:52

ThingsIhavelearnt · 06/11/2022 16:48

Check what you are entitled to

discount in council tax and CM immediately etc

Thank you, with the 25% discount the council tax would be £150 a month

Looking at the CM calculator I would be entitled to £450 a month from him

Just the mortgage is currently £800 a month (going up to £1,100 a month in May when our fixed rate ends)

OP posts:
Original poster
southeastlady · 07/11/2022 07:54

He’s spent the last 2 nights in the spare room

What a life :(

OP posts:
Ydkiml · 11/11/2022 04:57

How is things ?

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