When is enough and why won’t he go

[Meesechelt]

When is enough - if my husband doesn’t want to leave but seems to make it clear he doesn’t want to be with me .. ( I know that sounds strange but I’ve told him so many times in the last year that he needs to leave but he won’t but equally doesn’t want to be with me / thinks I’m unreasonable)
If when the enough point is reached why won’t he go ? I am so worn down and confused why if I am so horrible that he won’t give space to go. It’s unpractical for me to leave here due to many reasons and not my comfort but my children.

Hes so angry at me all the time now and it’s unbearable .. accidents keep happening , glass doors being smashed , walls marked , it’s just not an environment I want for anyone - yet is this all something people work through and I’m really just being a drama queen ?? Why when I ask him to leave it becomes a joke ?

Please go to the police if you feel unsafe. Abuse can be physical and or mental. They can help.

Cost of living is high, lots of my friends have split up but living under same roof due to financial reasons/ ties
Can you or him afford to move out, are you both comfortable financially? Do you own or rent the property? Get your finances in good order, get copies of mortgage, bank, asset records.

Please know you are not alone, if your DCs were in your shoes what advice would you give them. Be kind to yourself

Because its his house to and he doesn't want the move and is trying to force you to move instead

Thing is he could comfortably move out if he didn’t waste it .. Im
on maternity leave ... he earns a good wage six times mine but I only see a set amount and so we have started to struggle with all the bills as I pay everything with my maternity and his weekly amount he gives me .

but he’s always broke . Always asking me for money by end of week . I just don’t feel it worthy of any call to police but how do u get through reasonably about leaving ... even just temporarily for some
breathing space ?

Bubbleandsqueak1 I’ve also tried going but he has collected me twice after a week. He doesn’t feel any need for us to part even though he really seems to dislike me . If he wanted me to leave I’d be happy .. I just don’t see how ?

Just because he turns up to collect you, doesn’t mean you have to go back.

Fact is you can’t make him leave until it’s no longer half his home.

If he won’t go. There’s not much you can do. Unless you feel threatened by him, in which case call the police every time. I don’t say that lightly as it could end up with SS involvement m, especially if you decide to stay. But if he is abusive (and making you feel unsafe is abuse) and you want him out, you need to phone them.

I have to be one to go then I think I’m seeing from this then.

I just assumed in a reasonable relationship it would be ok to expect him to consider children too in that that it’d be so much easier for him to as singular male rent room or anywhere.. I’m that desperate to be away from him and his outbursts that I will then just have to go but I haven’t the foggiest where or what this may mean then school wise with all of us. They couldn’t and wouldnt stay alone as he has never looked after them apart from one night when in labour. he’s also said if I left him id be responsible for them never seeing him again as he could never be around them if I’d moved on.?!
Thank you for replies I can’t really vent or moan anywhere and i every now and then do on here and regret because I read my own post back and cringe .. yet that sort of helps gain a sense of clarity! So thank you and also sorry ..

Has your baby been born yet? Do you have somewhere you could go to?

Yes few months back . I have four beautiful babies and I don’t have anywhere no but I’m wondering now if to just seek out some help from citizens advice as our tenancy is a long one( my persuasion as I wanted security) .. this is horrible really he can just behave how he wants to really and do whatever he wants.

I’ve also tried going but he has collected me twice after a week.

He's collected you because you let him.

What you should say if he comes to get you, is that there are certain conditions required before you return. If he can't agree to them, then you aren't returning.

He doesn't want to leave and end things...because he earns a lot more than you and with 4 kids, he'd be paying a lot of child support.

Has he been served divorce papers? That would show him you're serious.

No not served divorce papers .. 1: I wouldn’t know where to start 2: I’m afraid of his reaction to the permanency I would be suggesting. I’d just hope with space I could heal and he could see what he’s doing etc ... but maybe it’s dream land

Separate and claim child maintenance it will be more then he probably gives you now he is financially abusive

OP this is verging on, if not already domestic abuse and coercive behaviour. You need to talk to professionals and the police. There are particular legal orders to instigate a cooling off period between you both, he would be forced to move out and not see you. Take advantage of the advice and support available here and on the many websites and with the many organisations/charities I’m sure others will recommend.

Nothing will change unless you do something more than talking. It is wildly unfair that it will be difficult and only something you can do, but you need to do it for you and your kids.

( I know that sounds strange but I’ve told him so many times in the last year that he needs to leave but he won’t but equally doesn’t want to be with me / thinks I’m unreasonable

Doesn't sound strange at all, he’s financially and emotionally you petal and also using violence by proxy (walls doors etc) to threaten you.

You sound so desperately unhappy but you do have a choice of something better if you are brave enough to step away xx🕊

OP, go into your local police station and make an appointment to talk to the domestic abuse team. This is abuse.
Regarding the smashing of glass, it is a crime for him to make you feel unsafe in your home, even if it’s also his home. You can report it and then decide whether or not to prosecute, but the police will help you keep him out.

You need to file for divorce and show him you mean it. You can file on line.
If you feel unsafe you call the police.

"No not served divorce papers .. 1: I wouldn’t know where to start 2: I’m afraid of his reaction to the permanency I would be suggesting. I’d just hope with space I could heal and he could see what he’s doing etc ... but maybe it’s dream land"
So passive OP, why wouldn't you know where to start? I have never divorced anyone so if I needed to I would Google the crap out of it to find a starting point!
With regards to point 2, yes totally in dream land. You don't get on with each other now, he isn't just going to 'give you space to heal' whatever that means.
If he asks you for money when he claims he's skint do you give it to him? If so stop, insist you've spent it on your children! He won't go if you keep everything cushy for him will he?
When you do separate, stop letting him collect you! You're not a dog that has escaped from the back yard that needs picking up and returning to your owner are you?
Only you can make changes to your situation but you are going to need a lot more backbone than you are currently displaying to make a difference.

Since it's a lease, it might be best if you did find another place to live.

As PP have said, you can file for divorce online. There's a legal section here.

If you're cooking, doing his laundry, and doing other things for him stop.

If he gets violent or scares you, call the police.

Why should he go and maybe have financial responsibilities towards you?

You did say yourself accidents keep happening around your house. Maybe DH is waiting around for a particularly opportune accident.

They aren’t accidents. You can call the police for this, they arrested my friend’s husband for less, with bail conditions which prevented him returning to the house.

Yes, in a reasonable relationship he would leave. You are not in a reasonable relationship.

Who does the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc? You, right? So why would he move out, given we’ve already established he’s not a reasonable person. He has an easy life with you, gets regular sex, gets his needs attended to, and he’s driving you further in to the ground so he can control you entirely.

It isn’t your fault, but you are the only person who can stop this.

He will only go when there is a more comfortable alternative to go to. So probably another woman. And only when he's made you as miserable as possible. The kids are just unfortunate pawns in the game.

The alternative is to start the divorce. Mine only moved out on the date marked in the pre divorce agreement.

If he earns 4x what you do you will need a lawyer at some point. But there are a bunch of other steps to get through first.

You will need a list of all assets and incomings and outgoings.

You need to think about what amount of time he has the kids. And when you are thinking about this also think about your future capacity to work. You will have to work. And pay for your own home largely.

Just get started on collating information.

Book appointments with solicitor etc. It takes a fair while and so you might as well get started.

'Accidents'? Oh, come on.

And he has 4 children he has financial responsibility for

So you're saying that he's damaging the property accidentally on purpose ? I think in your shoes I'd contact Womens Aid and ask about getting support for an occupation order and a non molestation order. Why the hell should you and your children have to suffer the disruption and upset of having to leave your home rather than this horrible man who is intimidating and emotionally abusing you.

Please contact womens aid they can advise you. Also look on the gingerbread single parent website for advice. It sounds like you need to find somewhere else to live for you and your children. You all deserve to be safe.

i am re reading my post and one I had written yesterday I think I’m fooling myself with the word accident as I don’t think it’s accidental but I mean t or I thought I did that when he flies into rages he then subsequently accidentally breaks something . However ... in the context of this weekend when I was caught in his rage.. i think I’m seeing that it doesn’t really matter if accidentally knocking me over into something or accidentally shattering things on top of me because he launches out because ultimately accident or not he could prevent it maybe ? I’m a rambling mess