Wife says nasty things and gets upset if I say anything back

[confusedinlondon]

My wife has a habit of saying hurtful things to me or things without thinking.
3 nights ago I was due to give my daughter some medicine, i give her her medicine twice a day, I dozed of and gave her medicine about 30 mins later than normal. My wife became enraged and accused me of not carrying about our daughter.
this wasn't the first time she has said this. She has accused me several times about not caring about our children in the past. Its completely false. If I don't do anything she wants me tondo in relation to the kids she'll accused me of not caring. My son wanted £80 shoes and when I said no she accused me of being tight with money and not caring.
In the morning I was still angry with her and told her she was out of order the night before. I spoke to her rudely I'll admit. A few hours later I apologised to her. Since then she has still be giving me the silent treatment, crying and ignoring me.
I don't know what to do. I know I was wrong but it seems she can say and do whatever and I am not allowed to say a thing.

Have an actual conversation with your wife saying everything in the OP.

I have tried but its never worked. I have my faults but I only remember her apologising to me once, when she became angry at me some her appointment for something being cancelled because the other person had double booked.

When you say ‘it’s never worked’, what was the conversation and what was the outcome?

What do you know about her family background?.

She is abusing you and in turn your children will pick up on all this.
The silent treatment she is now giving you is a further example of she abusing you. I would seriously consider contacting ManKind on 01823 334244 and I have put a link here www.mankind.org.uk/

She becomes upset that I am bringing it up. A couple of times she has said 'I don't have anyone else to take this out on a few times she has said she is depressed.

A couple of times she has said 'I don't have anyone else to take this out on a few times she has said she is depressed.

Okay, no. You are not her designated punching bag. You need to stop accepting this (let her get upset, she can learn to self soothe) and she needs to speak to her GP if she is depressed. I also second ringing ManKind.

"She becomes upset that I am bringing it up. A couple of times she has said 'I don't have anyone else to take this out on a few times she has said she is depressed".

She still has a choice not to take "this" out on anybody. You are not responsible for her actions and choices; she alone is. Depression also does not in itself cause people to behave abusively and besides which what, if anything, is she doing about her depressed state. Has she been to see her GP?. My guess is she has not.

Never give up communicating. Things won't change after one conversation especially if it's a habit of hers.
Repeatedly communicating in a respectful way will get your message across.
I understand how you feel, my wife does this often too. If I forget something or make a mistake it's the end of the world. Not so much when she does.

She has mentioned it to the doctor once but she didn't have a follow up.
She'll sometimes complain about being depressed even if things are normal.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it's about power and control. She wants absolute here over the OP and in turn her children who will also be expected to obey her.

Again OP, look at her family background as this often gives clues. What are her parents like?.

I would argue she is not depressed and is quite happy to use you as her personal emotional punchbag. This is likely also learnt behaviour from seeing such abuse in her own childhood.

You are not a rehab centre for her either.

The only acceptable level of abuse in any relationship is none. Men can be abused by their wives/partners too and this also will affect their children. Domestic abuse is no respector of persons, class or creed.

Has she been diagnosed with BPD or EUPD?

She has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call her out on her unreasonable behaviour.

Whatever the root causes, the only acceptable level of abuse in any relationship is none. Its over really because of what is happening to you and in turn your children who are also witness to this. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

I’m in a similar situation with my husband OP. I actually posted a thread last night after he flat out insulted me in front of DD, and it culminated in DD and I staying at my sisters.

I don’t really have any advice just that I know how you’re feeling. My husband is most likely very depressed as we’ve had a very tough few years, but that doesn’t make it ok. The worst part is I don’t recognise him at all and I find that quite scary tbh. I am in no way perfect either and after being ignored, or attempting to communicate repeatedly, I usually end up having an emotional reaction. He is then able to use this against me. I like you am always quick to apologise but it makes no difference.

In my experience OP it just gets worse. And unless she’s willing to seek real help you should consider other options I think.

Do we know the OP is a man?

This is not ok.

How long have you been together and how long has it been like this?

It sounds like you’ve tried speaking to her but nothing is changing.

Therefore it’s time to start putting your happiness first and separate.

Life is too short to let someone make us miserable all of the time.

Do we know the OP is a man?

It doesn’t matter whether the OP is a man, women, straight or lesbian.

The advice will surely be the same regardless.

The advice will surely be the same regardless

Broadly speaking but the organisations that you might signpost may be different. ManKind being a case in point.

She is abusing you. She has no right to use you as an emotional punchbag. If she is depressed she should seek and follow medical help. Even if she is depressed it's no reason or excuse to be abusive towards you.

You're a spouse, not a punchbag

This isn’t ok, she’s being abusive and highly emotionally manipulative. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.

Broadly speaking but the organisations that you might signpost may be different.
ManKind being a case in point.

Yes you are right.

I was thinking more of housing etc but I do think it’s a good idea to speak to an organisation like ManKind like the PP suggested who can advise you on the best next step.

Honestly OP it does sound like you are in an abusive relationship and staying will not improve the situation.

My db’s ex was like this, hence the ex.
She was, and is, a manipulative bully.
Your dw sounds the same.
How old is your dc because she is likely to be the same with them as they get older?
My dn used to rock in her cot because she was so scared of her mum.
It’s really horrible.

My advice is to keep a diary of her behaviour and ask her to get help for her anger.
If she won’t then you need to leave but your dc will be used as a weapon so be prepared for that.

What's the family situation? How many children, ages, do you both work?

I would start a conversation saying it's not acceptable yesterday discussions become angry. We need to find a way to communicate better.

If your wife is cooing with depression that can cause irritability and the ages of the children are relevant e.g if you have baby.

I hope you get custody if you do separate