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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pivotal moment? Sorry a bit long…

44 replies

50plusandfabulous · 04/11/2022 20:47

I’ve posted on here before under another name. Long and loveless marriage (25 years) to a selfish man who put his needs first. I left after an affair with a work colleague who had been my close friend for years.
I’ve been separated for 18 months DH in marital home , I’m renting .
me and AP are still in contact , he lives at the other end of the country but was here last weekend. A kind funny and caring man, who only went back home after his violent and abusive wife ( who was desperate for him to leave) was neglecting his teenage kids and threatening suicide. They now live separate lives under the same roof and she is largely dependent on him for mortgage , bills etc and she comes and goes as she pleases.
So where I’m at- marital house has sold but has taken months to get to survey stage , in that time, mortgages have rocketed, I’m paying rent and bills plus keep marital house going jointly . Mortgage all but paid off. I can’t find any houses I’d want to live in, market has collapsed and whilst i have a well paid job and no debts and whilst I felt able to take on a mortgage , at the rates now its much less palatable.
is it a crazy idea to move back in and live platonically and see what happens with the markets?
Estranged husband and I are perfectly pleasant to each other , I don’t love him and I don’t think looking back he could have loved me, to be the way he was. The only truly happy times I’ve had in the past 20 years was when AP and I were a couple before he went home and the times we’ve had together since. He loves me but his situation seems to have no resolution , he describes his life as an existence , and mines not much better than that either, just work and more work.
I’m sure reading this you think i deserve everything I got, but I have worked my way up in a demanding career, raised my kids and ran a home , shouldering all the life admin, the majority of the financial burden and with a husband whose two priorities were pub and football and blamed his depression on me. I have taken nothing for myself and I feel bereft that the bit of happiness I had has come to nothing , I just don’t know where to go next.

OP posts:
Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 04/11/2022 20:57

It might be worth taking a drop in living standards to be honest.

frozendaisy · 04/11/2022 22:07

Keep looking you will find a property might be smaller, in a slightly different area, what about a flat?

Original poster
50plusandfabulous · 04/11/2022 22:39

I’ve worked full time pulling my tripe out to better myself and truth be told, I don’t want to live in a flat or a different area.

OP posts:
venusandmars · 04/11/2022 22:59

If the marital house has been sold how can you move back in?

venusandmars · 04/11/2022 23:01

And where / what kind of house was your exh planning on buying? Is he in a similar position?

donttellmehesalive · 04/11/2022 23:06

Tell him to stop being pathetic and to leave his violent and abusive wife. If she's neglecting the kids, he should ask them to live with him full time (as teens they are old enough to choose).

Belindadog · 05/11/2022 02:03

venusandmars · 04/11/2022 22:59

If the marital house has been sold how can you move back in?

This.

What do you mean, even if the contracts have not exchanged, you would still need to move on.

Are you saying you want to move on with your husband ?
Does he want that ?

Belindadog · 05/11/2022 02:28

So you left your husband in the hope this man would leave his wife and that has not come to fruition.

This happens a lot.

If you move back with your husband will you just use that time to start looking for another replacement to exit your marriage. ?
Because that would be very cruel to your husband.

Or would you continue to see the affair partner still, deceiving other parties, as before.

Suzi888 · 05/11/2022 03:33

It’s not really your decision is it? What does your Ex think? Does he want you there? If it’s now sold what would be the point?

donttellmehesalive · 05/11/2022 07:12

It is funny how many men crawl back to their violent and abusive wives. I wonder whether she knows that he is still in touch with you.

Original poster
50plusandfabulous · 05/11/2022 07:16

We haven't got to survey stage as its taken a long time for the buyer to sort a mortgage ( in that time the rate rises are now as they are) and so in theory I could take the house off the market. If I moved back, it would not be as husband and wife , the house is big enough to allow that. My husband has had a relationship since i left but they have broken up.
@Belindadog it wasn’t like that, my AP had already left his wife, he only went back because of her total inability to parent their children and run a home, both of which he does brilliantly as well as holding down a job. She had exhibited serious mental issues, violence and there had been police and SS involvement.I haven’t had any easy time in my marriage, my husband has always prioritised himself and essentially I have been a good housewife and wage earner , so useful but not cared for.
DH seems to have made no plans and just goes to the pub every night I think. He suffers with depression which I have borne the brunt of over the years. But I do care for and worry about him

It feels like there is no easy answer.

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 05/11/2022 07:25

Honestly op - there is absolutely nothing left in your marriage for you.

It's difficult to contemplate a lower standard of living, but much, much easier (in the long run) than living in a loveless marriage with a depressed and selfish man.

Bite the bullet and move on.

RandomMess · 05/11/2022 07:33

There is nothing to stop you moving back in and saving money on rent.

If you sell your house for a good price I'd take it though. Sounds likely your buyer will pull out though.

Original poster
50plusandfabulous · 05/11/2022 08:45

No the surveys booked I think it will go through . Losing the house is a wrench though. I’m hardly destitute I’m in a senior management role.
it’s a combination of everything , I feel guilt at what I did and I worry about my husband , even though he wasn’t good to me ( I’m a Catholic and my Mum was alcoholic so I’ve got messed up boundaries I know - I had some counselling some time ago ). The actual move feels daunting and then the housing market on top , plus I’ve been heartbroken over what happened with the relationship I
had after - he was literally my best friend and he says the same about me .

Maybe I’ve got to work through this part and it will be hard.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 05/11/2022 09:16

50plusandfabulous · 05/11/2022 08:45

No the surveys booked I think it will go through . Losing the house is a wrench though. I’m hardly destitute I’m in a senior management role.
it’s a combination of everything , I feel guilt at what I did and I worry about my husband , even though he wasn’t good to me ( I’m a Catholic and my Mum was alcoholic so I’ve got messed up boundaries I know - I had some counselling some time ago ). The actual move feels daunting and then the housing market on top , plus I’ve been heartbroken over what happened with the relationship I
had after - he was literally my best friend and he says the same about me .

Maybe I’ve got to work through this part and it will be hard.

You have a good job, you have money, find a house within your means and get on with your life.

Coffeeandcake15 · 05/11/2022 10:49

If a man posted on here that he left his wife and had an AP, he couldn’t find a house to buy that fitted up to his standards and wanted to move back in with his wife, we all know he’d have his ass handed to him.

Throughout OP posts, she’s projected all blame on her ex-husband and AP’s wife. There’s always two sides to every story.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 05/11/2022 10:56

I don’t understand what your lover (? Ex lover) is getting out of his marriage to make him stay. If his wife is so horrible, he could surely divorce or seperate and offer his children an alternative home, as he is paying the bills anyway. I’m not going to make any suggestions as to why, but it sounds…..odd.

I would try to make your plans based on what you as an individual want ,what would be best for you as a single person. You can always add a lover in at a later stage if you want to.
At the moment, you seem to let your needs revolve around the men in your life, although they don’t seem to return the compliment.

toucancancan · 05/11/2022 11:06

Where do you want to be in a year/ two year's time? What steps can you take now to get you there? Will moving back in with your husband aid this? Put yourself and your future first. The first year or two of separation from the family home are usually tough, but in time it will get financially easier. Think about this longer term and put your emotional health high on the list.

Coffeeandcake15 · 05/11/2022 11:33

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 05/11/2022 10:56

I don’t understand what your lover (? Ex lover) is getting out of his marriage to make him stay. If his wife is so horrible, he could surely divorce or seperate and offer his children an alternative home, as he is paying the bills anyway. I’m not going to make any suggestions as to why, but it sounds…..odd.

I would try to make your plans based on what you as an individual want ,what would be best for you as a single person. You can always add a lover in at a later stage if you want to.
At the moment, you seem to let your needs revolve around the men in your life, although they don’t seem to return the compliment.

Because by saying their spouses are depressed and mental, in their mind it justifies their actions. It’s typical for a cheating man and woman to paint the person they’re cheating on as the enemy to help them justify in their heads that what they are/were doing is wrong.

Original poster
50plusandfabulous · 05/11/2022 11:57

@Coffeeandcake15 some people , but not me. My husband managed to be depressed yet still make it to the pub every night yet ‘too depressed’ to go away on a holiday with me. Throw in an addiction to porn and it wasn’t much fun.
I don’t feel guilty about my affair, I regret the impact it’s had on those around me but it was the first bit of happiness I’d had in a long time.

OP posts:
Coffeeandcake15 · 05/11/2022 13:12

50plusandfabulous · 05/11/2022 11:57

@Coffeeandcake15 some people , but not me. My husband managed to be depressed yet still make it to the pub every night yet ‘too depressed’ to go away on a holiday with me. Throw in an addiction to porn and it wasn’t much fun.
I don’t feel guilty about my affair, I regret the impact it’s had on those around me but it was the first bit of happiness I’d had in a long time.

So because he had depression and chose to go to the pub, it justifies what you’ve done? Instead of leaving, you carried on betraying his trust. So why do you want to go back living with him if he’s selfish, did you realise the grass isn’t greener?

Belindadog · 05/11/2022 13:55

I think some level of reality needs to be attained. Maybe your views about the wife ? Your AP's actual feelings for you ? Maybe your contribution towards your h's depression ?

I'm figuring by your user name you are in your 50's and sound quite confident, that's good, so was your AP a similar age with a long standing marriage behind him ?
So he's had many years with this woman without the intervention of police and SS before the affair, did she find out about you/the affair?
I could see how that could trigger severe MH problems, cant' you ? especially with you being senior management and probably well educated.

There doesn't seem to be much accountability on your behalf, just excuses, he clearly didn't go back just for the children, if a man wants something hard enough he will take the opportunity. Does your h know you still see the AP because surely that will make your home life even worse with him, if you go back for convienience with him, you've cuckholded him and shown him deep disrespect.

It's all a bit messy, but you clearly don't want to chance your luck again in the hopes of finding another partner, but can you see it all looks a little selfish ?
We all age and maybe you have realised that this maybe was your last chance of romance, who knows, but you have experienced it, many don't get that chance and you have the option of going back to the safety and security of your lovely home.

All in all it sounds as though you came out of it quite well, a little deluded as to why events turned out as they did, but fortunate in another sense that your confidence is still in tact.

Coffeeandcake15 · 05/11/2022 14:36

Belindadog · 05/11/2022 13:55

I think some level of reality needs to be attained. Maybe your views about the wife ? Your AP's actual feelings for you ? Maybe your contribution towards your h's depression ?

I'm figuring by your user name you are in your 50's and sound quite confident, that's good, so was your AP a similar age with a long standing marriage behind him ?
So he's had many years with this woman without the intervention of police and SS before the affair, did she find out about you/the affair?
I could see how that could trigger severe MH problems, cant' you ? especially with you being senior management and probably well educated.

There doesn't seem to be much accountability on your behalf, just excuses, he clearly didn't go back just for the children, if a man wants something hard enough he will take the opportunity. Does your h know you still see the AP because surely that will make your home life even worse with him, if you go back for convienience with him, you've cuckholded him and shown him deep disrespect.

It's all a bit messy, but you clearly don't want to chance your luck again in the hopes of finding another partner, but can you see it all looks a little selfish ?
We all age and maybe you have realised that this maybe was your last chance of romance, who knows, but you have experienced it, many don't get that chance and you have the option of going back to the safety and security of your lovely home.

All in all it sounds as though you came out of it quite well, a little deluded as to why events turned out as they did, but fortunate in another sense that your confidence is still in tact.

Agree with this. I think it looks like OP used her ex-husbands depression to have an affair, she left hoping her AP would want to start a new life with her, realised he wouldn’t leave his current wife, so now wants to go back to the security of her husband who supposedly was selfish and depressed.
Who really sounds selfish now? Time to reflect on your own behaviour OP.

bluebell34567 · 05/11/2022 14:39

i wonder if your AP had affairs before you op.

Feelinglikeachange22 · 05/11/2022 14:41

is it a crazy idea to move back in and live platonically and see what happens with the markets

Yes. Extremely crazy.

Manage your expectations and start again with a small property. I moved from a 5 bedroom farmhouse to a small terrace but the atmosphere is much better.