Pivotal moment? Sorry a bit long…

[50plusandfabulous]

I’ve posted on here before under another name. Long and loveless marriage (25 years) to a selfish man who put his needs first. I left after an affair with a work colleague who had been my close friend for years.
I’ve been separated for 18 months DH in marital home , I’m renting .
me and AP are still in contact , he lives at the other end of the country but was here last weekend. A kind funny and caring man, who only went back home after his violent and abusive wife ( who was desperate for him to leave) was neglecting his teenage kids and threatening suicide. They now live separate lives under the same roof and she is largely dependent on him for mortgage , bills etc and she comes and goes as she pleases.
So where I’m at- marital house has sold but has taken months to get to survey stage , in that time, mortgages have rocketed, I’m paying rent and bills plus keep marital house going jointly . Mortgage all but paid off. I can’t find any houses I’d want to live in, market has collapsed and whilst i have a well paid job and no debts and whilst I felt able to take on a mortgage , at the rates now its much less palatable.
is it a crazy idea to move back in and live platonically and see what happens with the markets?
Estranged husband and I are perfectly pleasant to each other , I don’t love him and I don’t think looking back he could have loved me, to be the way he was. The only truly happy times I’ve had in the past 20 years was when AP and I were a couple before he went home and the times we’ve had together since. He loves me but his situation seems to have no resolution , he describes his life as an existence , and mines not much better than that either, just work and more work.
I’m sure reading this you think i deserve everything I got, but I have worked my way up in a demanding career, raised my kids and ran a home , shouldering all the life admin, the majority of the financial burden and with a husband whose two priorities were pub and football and blamed his depression on me. I have taken nothing for myself and I feel bereft that the bit of happiness I had has come to nothing , I just don’t know where to go next.

Can you get a mortgage on the marital property on your name alone and buy out your DH? Might be worth the hit in terms of mortgage repayments.

Hell no. Absolutely no.

You said DH is selfish. He does nothing except pub. You do everything including all of life admin, and probably cleaning, gardening, maintenance etc. Why the hell do you want to go back to that imbalance. To a selfish useless man who blamed you for his depression. Blamed.

Poverty over the above, every single time.

AP’s wife was crazy and he went back for the sake of the children…
that old chestnut.

@SavouryPancake his wife’s condition preceded our relationship and led to her falsely accusing him of DV and having a non mol order attempted which didn’t happen it was the other way round . She wanted him out and was pursuing a relationship with an old boyfriend . I have known this man for 17 years and we were friends and nothing else before all of this . I heard recordings of some of the stuff that took place.
I’ve just been to the marital home to collect the dog for the day , my husband has told me he’s drinking at the pub every day and a bottle of wine every night . I do worry of course I do , and I’ve offered to go with him to get help , but I’ve realised it’s not the answer to go back . He wasn’t far off drinking that during lockdown and it wasn’t fun to live with .
I’m not going to apologise for being professional or in a good place financially , I’ve worked hard to get here and my husband didn’t support me doing it . Every penny I earned went into my home.

What does AP stand for?

Please don't move back in. Do anything but that. Stay in your rented place, wait until the dust settles economy wise. Nothing is worth taking your life backwards to that stage.

You sound better than either of them. Don't go back to xh or om.

What does AP stand for?

Affair partner.

@50plusandfabulous

You don't know this man at all, being friends for 17 years means nothing, his outward facade is probably totally different from his home personna.

Surely you must have a little insight into this now, he had an affair with you, led you to believe he would leave his wife and then pulled the plug.
The excuses he gave are just that, excuses.

Your evidence of her mental health has come directly from him, recordings that can be edited, he could have provoked her into a fight, switched the record button, and hey presto she looks like the crazy bird.
Really are you that niave ? Police being called, have you ever seen how manipulative men turn this round and blame the woman, that's why so many DV incidents remain unreported, some men are very devious.

If he was the type of man to conduct an affair, he is probably the type of man who wouldn't be affraid to go for exactly what he wanted, regardless if she threatned suicide. I think you've been fed lies by the om, where is he now at home cake eating with you believing he hasn't dumped you, he sounds pretty clued up to me.

I'm sorry your h is suffering with depression but maybe you're not the person to help, what he must feel when he looks at you now, God I think I'd be drinking, regardless of why he was depressed initially.

It sounds as though you have made your mind up. Have any of your relationships altered, friends, neighbours, family, children changed because of this, do others know about the affair or will you be able to quietly creep back with your reputation in tact, blaming his drink and depression for reasons of leaving ?

I'm sure you'll figure out what's best for you.

@Belindadog you make a lot of assumptions and you clearly haven’t read my posts properly . He had left his wife at her behest . I saw evidence of the domestic abuse.
my husband has blamed others his whole life , his mum had severe mental health issues , It came from her , I didn’t understand so it was down to me . But it never stopped him going down the pub , though he couldn’t go to work or to places with me . I found messages on his phone that derived from looking at porn sites , which I found abhorrent.
I don’t need to make excuses , I own what I did. I have financed the family home since I left . I regret the hurt I have caused , but I also know that when I looked at my marriage and compared it to my friends , it was not right.
But you’ve clearly taken away the points that you want to from my posts and come to your own conclusions.

Not really @50plusandfabulous I have asked certain questions and you have not replied.

I just wanted to point out that this om may not be all you think he is. Men do lie, I know that sounds patronising but you clearly have lived with quite a docile man, who's depression by the sounds of it was turned inwards on himself.

Does your h know about your lover ?

Does the om's wife know about you and the affair.

You say his drinking increased during lockdown isn' that about the time when you began the affair, you left 18 months ago, did you leave for the mm.

Did he promise to move in with you, so many questions you don't have to answer but you have been left high and dry now, this mm let you down.

I personally think you have dodged a bullet, if you feel that it was merely circumstances that prevented you being together then why not press him, ask again reassure your mm that you still wish to be together. Surely if he is in an abusive relationship you would do all you can to help him escape.

And from your post, it appears you think your h is abusive, so why would you return to that.

Not my place to tell you what's for the best I was just highlighting or warning you about certain men's character's, they can present as wolves in sheep's clothing.

yes my husband know and yes she knows about me. My husbands depression and drinking started long before that. He had left and was living at his parents , in fact they had got as far as a decree nisi. In the few months he was away, the house fell into disarray, her erratic behaviour then turned on his eldest son.

As for my husband being docile, not really. He was hard to live with and had a terrible temper that I had to manage for years. I can’t bear shouting , i was brought up in that kind of household and so i used to give in to keep the peace. He could get very angry about something as stupid as his football team losing or me asking him not to go out. I walked on eggshells a lot of the time. To see him so pathetic now is upsetting.

The man i had an affair with was the polar opposite.

Anyway , thanks for the opinions. I’m not about making excuses, I do what I did and I won’t be going back.

You might not have got the posts you were looking for (most focused on AP) BUT by defending yourself and explaining why your marriage broke down has made you realise that you can't live with your ex, even as a friend. It would be too painful, too messy and take you right back to before you left originally. Youve realised its better to have less money than live with him...thats got to be a win for posting (even if slightly painful), surely? Onwards and upwards!

@Pixiedust1234 you are right and thank you.

You sound very whimsical, making rather rash life decisions, even during the course of this thread.

It is important to make life changing decisions only when you feel calm and have looked at the situation from every possible angle.

Asking for second opinions from people you trust in real life can also be helpful, they will know you better, and will be more aware of both your strengths as well as your blindspots. Remember that your friends and family may want to be diplomatic, try to read between the lines. You strike me as a blunt rather black and white person.

Everyone has blindspots, including you.

Try to have empathy (this means walking around in the shoes of another for as long as needed until you feel something of what they might feel), these sorts of life altering decisions you are making can make or literally break people. Remember to use some compassion, for yourself also. We must first practice compassion for ourselves before we understand what it means to give it to others.

I’m not at all whimsical @SavouryPancake , as you would expect all of this consumes my life. All of my family and friends tell me not to go back but I thought an independent view might help.
Compassion for myself is not something that comes easy to me . Whether that is Catholicism or something else I don’t know .

My feeling about this was — I would never believe anything a disloyal man said about his wife.

Quite.

Op, I know thiis thread was written to help you make a decision about your future but there seems to be a complete disregard in your posts as to how much damage has been done to the people arround you.

You and your AP have been living in a bubble, dismantling other peoples realities and safety. Your last post shows you only seem to be hearing the words about compassion for yourself, you need to try to understand that you have been lacking in empathy.
For a start think about that poor woman whose marriage and life you invaded, you say he already left, but we know on here men only leave when there is someone to leave for, especially coming from a man who was not sure about the transition and who ultimately went back home, he knew you before he left her, you were friends, it's a coincidence that the relationship then started. If we know, then she most definitely did, wives are not stupid.

I suggest you do not speak of her in such degrading terms relating to her mental health because it quite apparent that your AP probably caused her ill health.
And your h, if you really wanted to help him with his depression and drinking do you think an affair was the best way. ?

I don't wish to further antagonise and berate you but you seem oblivious to anyones pain but your own and your ap's. If you go back home I can imagine you further blaming your h for your awful existance without AP, and he doesn't deserve that.

This woman's mental health was destroyed by what you both had done to her, she will never be the same, your pain in comparison is negligable, your dignity is still in tact, no one betrayed you.

And your husband, as much as you have painted a picture of him being abusive, if he were truly that bad there would be no way you would go back, you even suggested you pitied him, that is no basis to return home.

I personally would like in this scenario for you and the AP to be together as I think you have both behaved appallingly, I presume his wife is of a similar age, 50's, she must be devastated and her children must also be trying to recover from this awful episode.

It is this you should be pondering the hurt and devastation, not the neighbouhood or the increasing mortgage payments.

Are you sure your affair partner is being truthful about his marriage? It just sounds like a line.

I would make a clean break from your DH & your friend

Buy another property within your budget

Spend some time alone. Do some new things like hobbies, travel, book some holidays

Enjoy your freedom !

Are you a bit Co dependent? Can you be single for a bit? Can you be without any men and see how you get on?