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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Honest opinion please or am I being a bitch?

57 replies

blueberry2105 · 04/11/2022 15:36

My partner loves to run about making my bed, hot water bottles, doing the washing, cleaning etc he's a keeper ........ but he's not there on the emotional side of things.

Am I wrong for telling him I don't need him to clean and do all these things I need him to be there for me mentally. I enjoy closeness and love and hugs and chatting. I like texts through the day or random messages (not all day but something like "are you ok?" Or anything that's not asking me to bring something for dinner or telling me I left the tv on or something)

I know I am lucky to have him and I do love him but I just feel so lonely. We don't share a bed but we live together (he says he can't sleep next to me as he's a light sleeper and often watches tv at night ect) which is fine but I don't get that same intimacy as most couples going to sleep with him or waking up next to him.

I feel selfish for wanting this and I think he sometimes makes a point of caring for me in other ways because he uses that to cover for his lack of what I actually need in my life.

So am I wrong? Should I get over it? How do I move forward from feeling so lonely and lost. I'm the complete opposite to him I crave affection 😭

OP posts:

Homewardbound2022 · 04/11/2022 15:46

Is this your house? Or do you own it jointly?

Original poster

blueberry2105 · 04/11/2022 15:53

Homewardbound2022 · 04/11/2022 15:46

Is this your house? Or do you own it jointly?

We rent together as we are saving to buy our own place

OP posts:

Cheeeeislifenow · 04/11/2022 15:54

It sounds like he has a different way of expressing love to you. Have you read that book about love languages?

LooneyToon · 04/11/2022 15:55

My OH is the same.. it caused me much annoyance for few years but he has so many amazing qualities... he is who he is and I have learnt I just have to accept it. You can't change people fundamentally, his love language is different from yours.

category12 · 04/11/2022 15:56

I feel selfish for wanting this and I think he sometimes makes a point of caring for me in other ways because he uses that to cover for his lack of what I actually need in my life.

Sometimes we're just not compatible. Maybe it's something you could sort out with relationship counselling or trying to see it as a "love language" thing, but it may be that he cannot (rather than doesn't want to or won't) meet your emotional needs.

Maybe you'd be better off as friends rather than life partners.

teezletangler · 04/11/2022 16:06

I think his love language is acts of service and yours is quality time/physical affection. This is the exact same situation with me and DH and it has definitely caused communication difficulties and resentment over the years, until we figured it out and were able to prioritize the other person's needs more.

You don't sleep together though... I wouldn't like that. How's your sex life?

GreenManalishi · 04/11/2022 16:09

You're not wrong to feel lonely and lost, you are not getting what you need from the relationship in terms of intimacy and connection. That's not being a bitch.

You can appreciate the bed making and the cup of tea making and the hot water bottles AND at the same time feel that something that is important to you is missing.

Homewardbound2022 · 04/11/2022 16:12

I was just wondering if he's there because it's cheaper to live as a couple than alone.

belimoo · 04/11/2022 16:20

Do you spend time in bed despite not sleeping there together? I don't mean sex but just hanging out, cuddling etc? I don't share a bed with my dp either but we make sure that we have a cuddle in bed most mornings and sometimes in the evenings before bed too. We got out of the habit for a while and I really missed it and started to feel we were more like housemates.

Can you carve out other ways to make sure you get the time you need, like having a bath together or going for a meal?

Kissingfrogs25 · 04/11/2022 16:29

I am wondering why you are settling for this?
If you wanted a housekeeper he would be great, but he is one of the only sources of love and affection op. You have potentially decades in an emotional wilderness. I wound separate.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/11/2022 16:49

Please take heed of the comments made by GreenManalishi and kissingfrogs25.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Why indeed are you settling for so little emotionally?. This man is an emotional wasteland.

You are not even sharing a bed because he chooses to stay up late and watch tv. I would put this whole idea about buying a place jointly on ice and reevaluate your relationship with him. Is this really the man for you, no he is not. Youa re not a bitch nor are you wrong to want affection. He is not built that particular way and such men do not change.

BatBoo · 04/11/2022 17:46

I am going through this currently. DH does loads around the house but there is no emotion, affection, intimacy. I am deeply unhappy and feel starved of what I need.

5128gap · 04/11/2022 17:58

You're not selfish. You're not suited.

TheOtherWoman2 · 04/11/2022 17:59

that's who he is you shouldn't want to change someone, be appreciative for the slave labour he's doing for you x

Original poster

blueberry2105 · 04/11/2022 22:06

BatBoo · 04/11/2022 17:46

I am going through this currently. DH does loads around the house but there is no emotion, affection, intimacy. I am deeply unhappy and feel starved of what I need.

This is how I feel like I appreciate what he does but I feel like I'm missing important emotional connections. I can't clean and tidy and do my own washing but I can't give myself cuddles and make myself feel less alone. I don't want it from anyone else I only want it from him which makes it feel so much worse because he's not providing me with it but also not being a bad enough person for me to think I should move on.

I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm ungrateful but it's all the free and easy things I would
Like from him. I don't need him to slave away all the time. I also sometimes find it over bearing when he's constantly asking if I have any clothes to wash or when he's cleaning and tidying when I'm trying to unwind after work I love him but it's really stressful.

Forget the mess (it's never messy in our home 💀 if never gets chance) just want to watch tv or cuddle for an hour 😭

Sorry you're going though this as well I honestly relate ♥️

OP posts:

Original poster

blueberry2105 · 04/11/2022 22:07

I meant to say I "can" clean and tidy lol not can't

OP posts:

Original poster

blueberry2105 · 04/11/2022 22:11

belimoo · 04/11/2022 16:20

Can you carve out other ways to make sure you get the time you need, like having a bath together or going for a meal?

We do cuddle just before bed or we go to bed for sex but it often feels planned or forced because he will say "do you want to go to bed for cuddles" but he's quick to get back out unless we have sex. I just want to relax and chill with someone and maybe if he told me nice things when I feel
Down etc instead of saying "stop thinking about things so much" it's almost like he's emotionally unavailable

OP posts:

category12 · 04/11/2022 22:24

he's not providing me with it but also not being a bad enough person for me to think I should move on.

But you deserve to have your emotional needs met. He doesn't have to be a bad person or to do anything horrible or wrong to you, for it to be a relationship that doesn't work for you. It's not enough.

Honestly, don't buy with him, don't have kids with him, don't settle for feeling lonely in a relationship.

Dery · 04/11/2022 22:29

You just don’t sound compatible. Saying he’s “not bad enough for you to move on” suggests you have a low expectations of relationships.

Hawkins001 · 04/11/2022 22:45

All the best op

Angela59 · 04/11/2022 23:59

I lived like this for nearly fifteen years, in short my now ex husband gradually intensified his domesticity until he was doing everything, I ended up resenting him for it. I ended up having a couple of affairs due to the lack of intimacy and closeness that I needed. The last of which was polar opposite’s to my ex My husband was even washing my delicates id worn for my lover, it was a ridiculous situation, I had to leave for both our sakes.

Opentooffers · 05/11/2022 00:16

Hell no, you're not selfish, it wouldn't be a life I'd choose from the off. New relationship, not sleeping together - what's the point! I'm a sucker for hugs and kisses. You're just not that compatible, and he screams out "man who's lived on his own too long". Yes it's made him self sufficient and domesticated, but he's lost how to share his life and it looks like he isn't about to compromise on that.
I'm surprised you're still with him really, and say you love him, despite not getting much back. I'd guess all the domestic stuff he does, he's just had to do all along for himself anyway, and yet, it's so prized by women when men do it, that sometimes they feel they ought to be grateful.
If you 'move in' with someone, it's fair to expect more than he's offering. Do you really want to be restricted like this for the rest of your life?

Apileofballyhoo · 05/11/2022 00:18

I'm not sure I'm buying the love language thing, sounds just as likely to me that he likes a very clean and tidy home with all washing done etc. Apart from the hot water bottle, he would have to do all the cleaning and tidying of a home if you were there or not.

You want a companion, not a cleaner.

whiteroseredrose · 05/11/2022 00:29

You have different needs by the sounds of things.

It seems your DP is like my DH. Does lots of nice things for me like breakfast in bed or eating mainly vegan food with me. He is also good around the house. We snuggle on the sofa and hold hands (for a bit) while out etc. but sleep separately.

If I ask him if he loves me he says that I'll 'do'. I know he does love me because he demonstrates it every day. He doesn't need to keep saying it. And that suits me as I would feel smothered if someone kept texting or calling during the day.

However you do need more verbal reassurance and the contact during the day. Have you told him that this would make you much happier? It may not be important to him but it is to you, so he could try to make more effort.

DramaGiraffe · 05/11/2022 00:45

Sounds perfect. Bed to yourself, partner who isn't emotionally needing or demanding but pulls their weight practically and clearly cares for you.

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