Honest opinion please or am I being a bitch?

[blueberry2105]

My partner loves to run about making my bed, hot water bottles, doing the washing, cleaning etc he's a keeper ........ but he's not there on the emotional side of things.

Am I wrong for telling him I don't need him to clean and do all these things I need him to be there for me mentally. I enjoy closeness and love and hugs and chatting. I like texts through the day or random messages (not all day but something like "are you ok?" Or anything that's not asking me to bring something for dinner or telling me I left the tv on or something)

I know I am lucky to have him and I do love him but I just feel so lonely. We don't share a bed but we live together (he says he can't sleep next to me as he's a light sleeper and often watches tv at night ect) which is fine but I don't get that same intimacy as most couples going to sleep with him or waking up next to him.

I feel selfish for wanting this and I think he sometimes makes a point of caring for me in other ways because he uses that to cover for his lack of what I actually need in my life.

So am I wrong? Should I get over it? How do I move forward from feeling so lonely and lost. I'm the complete opposite to him I crave affection 😭

*needy

My ex was like this though he didn't do anything around the house either unless specifically asked to. There was no romantic gestures unless I planted the seed first, I had to tell him what was for dinner before he would actually cook etc. Many times I needed support or just a hand hold but he either refused ignored it or bombarded me with crap about his past that made him like this with no efforts and suggestions to change but yet would go into a tizzy if I failed to say good morning or something🤦‍♀️ It was exhausting having to provide emotional support and strength for everyone including myself, while also having to treat a grown adult like a child and tell him to do everything.

In the end, I decided we weren't compatible and ended it. It's been a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I'm no longer mentally drained having to be the sole supporter of 3 people. He promised the earth but nothing apparent changed. I'm glad I stood my ground.

I don't believe this was a difference of love languages issue. In my instance anyways, I just can't see the above being normal or acceptable behaviour for anyone if its not making you feel good.

My ex was like this though he didn't do anything around the house either unless specifically asked to

So nothing like the OP, then.

You're just different. You are needier than he is, but he shows he cares for you in other ways. It's up to you to decide if you are too incompatible or if you can work with it.

I've been that husband. What was his childhood like? In contrast to my wife's childhood I never had a touchy feely type of relationship with my parents so I think that's why it didn't seem like an obvious way to me to express love. If he loves you then I'm sure he'll make the effort if you talk to him about it.

Could have written this :( He does all the laundry and cooking, everyone says how lucky I am and almost resent me for this set up. But he infantilises me and says I wouldn’t be able to cook, or I never get things right or he interrupts if I do it. We don’t hug or kiss really, maybe intimate 4 or 5 times a year… I’d be much more keen but he doesn’t seem attracted to me, just does it to release his tension. Everyone is almost offended we’re not married, they think I’m ungrateful. Well I am, now if he doesn’t do the chores I think what’s the point. His work is stressful whereas mine apparently never is and he’ll interrupt it jokingly a lot. I don’t think he really loves me at all. We once had a fight and he said “well I still want you in my life somehow”, I realised he didn’t really need/ want me as a partner. He loves to tell people how he does everything. Buys me things, but sort of wants a lot of praise and fanfare around it and it takes any joy from it. He’s very emotionally dependent but rarely asks about me / sees if I’m ok - we both had health issues a few years ago, you bet his was the priority and mine isn’t spoken about. He wants to be with me every hour but doesn’t ever want to do anything - no optimism, no keenness, I plan everything.

As I type this I want to scream or slip out into the night. Fuck.

OP, you’ve posted about your relationship a lot. Like, A LOT. You’re clearly extremely unhappy. This is presumably the same man who asked for a ‘tit wank’ from your sister? Why not end it?

OP I’ve seen your other threads now about him fancying your sister… honestly he was so weird and rude for telling you what he did. I see you’re 32 so a lot younger than me, and going by how I’m miserable after years of this and his weirdness about your sister… leave him.

WTAF?! Pertinent information that was omitted, just a bit.

What are you doing OP? If this is true why are you still there?

I also think you’re just incompatible, for example I’d hate texts throughout the day and would be appalled and think my husband needy if he wished this. Not sharing a bed though, I’d not be up for this, it wouldn’t be something that would work for me.so I’d not actually be with someone where this was a requirement.

but the loneliness is a different issue , you shouldn’t feel lonely just as he doesn’t text during the day and doesn’t cuddle lots. If you sleep alone, yes that can be lonely. But it seems more than that.

do you have friends and a social,life?

Oh shit, is it that poster????

Every time I come on here to ask questions I use the advice to to talk to him so some of my old posts I have resolved those issues. He isn't perfect and neither am I but one thing I'm good at is talking and working through things. I come on here for other peoples opinions mainly to reassure myself before I talk to him he can sometimes twist things to why my behaviour is not favourable or that other people would think I look bad. So I gather opinions from others to form so sort of base for myself.

Since the previous posts we have argued and talked and a lot of forgiving has taken place. But I'm not going to lie we are not the same anymore. I definitely have my guard up more and don't feel as attached to him BUT this is where I'm starting to feel his lack of emotional support even more. To rebuild this relationship and make it strong I need him to put this effort in with me.

I don't think he's that into you in 'that' way.. seems like it's more of a companionship to him.

Are you happy OP?

Is he interested in you being happy? (NB Doing the housework is about satisfying his need, not helping you).

Is he willing to understand that you have different "love languages" and willing to try to meet you half way on yours? "Try" means in actions, not just saying, "Yes I'm willing to try".

How many No's to the above are you willing to live with? How long are you willing to live with them for?

Nope, it's not selfish, and I wouldn't want to live like that.

Housework is a joint responsibility, not something that he does "for you".

How long have you been together? I think this kind of stuff is just not the kind of thing you can resolve through talking. He has to desire physical affection and emotional closeness with you himself.

OP, you don’t sound compatible at all.
I think you’re forcing yourself to try and make this work for you, when the truth is…it doesn’t, it won’t, and you can’t change him. Stop wasting your time and move on, live alone for a while before considering dating with someone who shares your relationship viewpoint and feelings.

OP, I read your other posts.

This relationship is dead in the water. He doesn't respect you, his views on women are repugnant, and you are tolerating really poor behaviour from him.

You didn't include the pertinent information here.

You should end it.

Why are you so determined to make it work with him?

Look up the sunk costs fallacy.

My thoughts on this were that he is who he is and you can’t try to force a personality change on him, you can only decide whether it is the right relationship for you.

But then I saw people mentioning your previous posts and your sister (I haven’t gone to read them). Why are you forgiving a man who behaved so disgustingly towards your sister? You should not be working through that.

It sounds like your love languages are different. My ex was very similar. I needed/wanted someone emotionally. He felt doing / buying things would work. While I tried to understand how he ''worked'', he had absolutely no empathy or thought for how I worked and there lies the difference. I stayed but really wish I had the courage to leave sooner

Let him continue to do what he does and also ask him for what you need. I find it weird to have not asked him yet. Does he have adhd?

It sounds like you are just not compatible. He would have to change who he is to give you what you need. Neither of you are wrong, but I can't see how your relationship can work long term.

OP, you are desperately trying to have a baby with a man who you don't have any intimacy with, who fancies your sister, who you don't enjoy sex with...

You're flogging a dead horse here, just go your separate ways. This whole relationship is destroying your self esteem.

He is not going to change and you are flogging a dead horse. It sounds desperately sad and lonely to me and I’d leave. Maybe you need another ten years of this to realise it’s hopeless. You choose your life and if this is what you think you are worth that’s sad.

We are married with kids so as much as I want to leave if things don't change, I'm struggling at the thought of tearing apart the family unit. He was never like this before, only the last couple of years. And I've tried talking to him about it and telling him how important it is to me and nothing changes. It's like death by a thousand cuts.

If there were no kids I would be gone.