Partner kicked me out whilst pregnant

[Hellsbells909]

First post but really looking for some helpful advice and support. I’m 30 weeks pregnant and due in January. I’m still trying to get over the shock of my breakup and how things have turned out and the fact I’m sitting here pregnant and single. 3 months ago after another silly argument with my now ex partner I got kicked out of “our home” extremely abruptly. He is 47 I’m 32. Both our first baby. We were together about 18 months. Found out I was pregnant after we came back off holiday at the start of may. I had a lot of anxieties about the pregnancy as I was so shocked and something I had always desparately wanted. I am an over worrier anyway and always thought something was wrong, kept paying foR private scans etc which drove him mad. I also suffered from extreme anaemia so had awful headaches and extreme tiredness so I guess wasn’t easy to be around. The relationship was always quite volatile. He seemed happy about the pregnancy and was nagging me to write lists etc and always wanted to be part of appointments etc. had a few big arguments during the pregnancy. It was always something trivial yet his temper would always go from 0-100 pretty quick. A few examples being after “nagging” him and rushing him to finish his drink in a restaurant as he was sitting there just on Facebook whilst i just sat there he slammed his drink down walked out and I ran following him to the car like an idiot. He then after we were arguing and I was crying punched the windscreen which shattered whilst driving which scared me. Which I found crazy and scary. Another time after an argument he drove straight to my parents house late in the evening to basically moan about me made me stay the for the night and described me as “bat shit crazy” my mum told him I was fragile and I do over worry. Another time he called his mum so she could listen to him argue. Every single
time we would argue he would tell me without fail to pack my stuff (I lived in his rented flat in his name but paid him rent) always said go which was great. The amount of times I had the key taken off after an argument was unreal. Anyway the final straw came about 3 months ago. I was off work unwell in bed (pregnancy related). He rang me and I was a bit miserable and grumpy on the phone. We were talking about his birthday and his plans to go out the following weekend. I said I doing I would come as they are big drinkers and I wouldn’t want to Travel back alone etc as wouldn’t stay out all night. He then proceeded to say he was going to invite two of his girl friends, one of them being someone I felt extremely uncomfortable about. Someone he lived with for years went on holidays with an had sex with a handful of times apparently but they were never a couple. We had arguments prior as when I saw her messages on his phone I asked what they were talking about and he said none of my business which being pregnant with his child didn’t go down well. I never met her either in the whole time we were together. I said a shitty comment being “at least you’ll be surrounded by girls” and he then went absolute mental down the phone screaming and I mean screaming F OFF* the usual default get out script I’m coming home to pack your stuff I’m done with you. I said I’m not putting up with being screamed at whilst pregnant anymore as this happened a lot, I said I will pack a few weeks stuff and go to my parents. They were away on holiday so being 16 odd weeks pregnant and off work unwell I didn’t need to move my whole stuff there and then. I laid down for half an hour to try and keep calm. He then came back accompanied shockingly with his Mum and sister and insisted on bin bagging up all my stuff (I wasn’t allowed to pack my own things) so I had his 70 year old mum packing my bloody underwear and dildo, they emptied the contents of the fridge and freezer and within an hour dumped it all off in bin bags at my parents. I was in a complete an utter state of shock. I was really poorly the next day and he refused to take my calls. I then after a few days came to my senses in what he had done and how horrific it was and was angry. He messaged me 4 whole weeks later saying he thought he “better see how things are” as he thought my parents would have contacted him. I sent a large message back saying I’m disgusted and he is no longer part of my life and I won’t talk to him anymore after him and his family treated me like that whilst pregnant. I then blocked him as I couldn’t bare the response. Anyway 14 weeks down the line I’m still in a state of shock. The first few weeks I was a complete an utter mess. I was basically force feeding myself, extremely depressed scared and upset. I had to have extra checks with the midwife. He has never picked up the phone to check on me. I just can’t believe a 47 year old man could act this way. I feel scared and alone but have a very supportive family and will have the baby there. They are extremely angry and disgusted in his Behaviour but we have not contacted and never will it’s not our place. Also as my dad has said we don’t want him around the baby as he is so irrational erratic and clearly not stable. I just naively can’t comprehend how he hasn’t picked up the phone like a man to check in on his unborn child. I’m now in limbo if he will ever pop up again. I’m just still in shock. The upset has subsided and it’s more anger. He just gets to abandon any responsibility. I actually don’t want him around the baby so sound contradictory but still just can’t fathom
the lack of care. It’s also the first time I’ve ever been single and stupidly worried I will always been on my own now. I’m grieving the family unit. I just can’t believe it.

Yea, he's 47, single, and up to now, was childless for a reason. You didn't get to know his flaws in time, you do now.
You don't have to force him to be in your life, and it sounds like you are better off leaving him to himself. Persue cms though after birth, he's financially liable.

This.

And, for yours and the baby's sake, learn to be single, learn to embrace and enjoy being just you. Find your own place and nest with little one for a while.

What a horrible experience. Happy your parents are supporting you. You need this man out of your daily life. You can still pursue him to help financially through the CMS and do not have to name him on the birth certificate - there are lots of threads on this topic.

It is better to find out that he is abuseive now and get away from him, than stay indefinitely in an abusive relationship.

you’ve done well to get away from this abusive man.

You are a family unit you and baby will be one with your extended family. He’d be a terrible father. Very challenging anyway being first time father late in life (so much time to have become selfish) much worse when he is abusive as well

Look forward now to the best time if your life!

Op your relationship was toxic. You both were not right for each other and yes he has behaved awful too.

im glad you came to your senses because soon there will be someone else to think about and put first.

youll need to start thinking about the type of relationship you want him to have with the baby, if any at all, and whether to put his name on the birth certificate. I believe the latter gives him certain rights /access to the child.

i am also your age and a mother and if my partner had behaved that way I would not put his name on the birth certificate or see him
until after the birth so that he could meet his child- that is if he had reached out to meet his child. I would be careful and very wary about him but if he was a good dad and genuinely wanted to be involved I would not take that away from my child.

please have a think about the type of relationship you want going forward but please also accept the relationship is over for good as it was just too toxic and you need to think about impact it would have on your child should you ever get back together.

Be prepared for him and his family to reappear post birth to demand access. So keep him
blocked. Don’t crumble and reach out during moments of weakness. He has done you a favour and you have supportive family . Do not add him to the birth certificate and give your child your name.

^This.

Thanks for the responses. When he did reach out on message months ago, In my essayed message I did say to him how I do not want his behaviour around the baby and I think it would be in our babies interest if he walked away. I also explained clearly in my text that he would not be on the birth certificate, wouldn’t have his surname and if he turned up at my parents house again unannounced I would call the police seeing as I wasn’t even given the respect or decency to pack my own personal belongings after I paid him rent a few days prior (note I didn’t get that money returned, furniture I had to buy or my passport… but I got half eaten cereal returned to me!)

his behaviour was incredibly immature. I have been talking it through with an outside source as I definitely need help processing what happened. I don’t think I will be claiming for CMS as I don’t want to give him any ammunition to want to see the baby. It’s a hard pill to swallow as he was honestly the tightest man I’ve ever met when it comes to money and would itemise everything in detail so I paid half on everything after a night out for example so him not paying towards a life he created half of is a tough one to swallow but I think might be best. He is like a territorial cave man so I thought he would be hounding me about the baby.

i just am still in shock how he hasn’t tried to call as he was extremely family oriented. I mean it’s been 3 months… anything could have happened! I’m pretty confident I won’t hear off him again as surely he wouldn’t just pop up in January after never attempting to reach out?!

yes there were huge red flags there. He’s been on his own all his life and is extremely selfish and immature, I was stupid to expect more. People keep Saying what did I expect why did I go there in the first place …. I didn’t expect him and his family to be this cruel and horrific. I just keep getting flashbacks to that day and wish I could erase it. He has put a dark cloud over this pregnancy and caused alot of stress. I can’t understand why he would want to do that when I was pregnant with his child.

I blamed myself at the start as I was very hormonal and emotional at the start of pregnancy and always terrified something would go wrong. I thought I couldn’t get pregnant after years of trying with an ex partner…. I was never malicious like him
thats the difference. Just a scared first time mum who could have done with more kindness and support. I would like to think if he loved me he would have understood pregnancy hormones and like I said I was pretty poorly the first 3 months. He seemed to make me feel guilty when I would come in from work and just lay down as I was so drained. I know his actions do not justify anything that came from me. But it still hurts.

I also didn’t really see all this as abuse before. There were actually two other incidences prior to becoming pregnant where he dragged me off a bed by my feet after an argument and where my head got hit against a wall where he pushed me. The arguments were always so petty like the final one, he would just fly off the handle.

I haven’t seen a solicitor maybe I should get some advice as the thought of him being near my baby feels me with absolute dread and would kill me. i certainly won’t contact him, I wouldn’t even know what to say! He’s not going to even know when the baby’s born or the baby’s name so I’m not sure what he could or would do.

You were really mismatched. Some of your behaviours do sound really frustrating though. Are you having any help for your anxiety? A real mess. Take a break before another relationship. Good luck with the baby - glad you have support.

Sounds toxic from all sides and you sound better off apart but you did move in and get pregnant with a man you'd known 5 minutes

He sounds horrible OP, I would report this all to the police so at least its on record. Stay safe and hugs to you x

@Bestofthree Yes being an over worrier and anxious about the pregnancy definitely warrants his behaviour so thanks for your kind response and humanity. And being upset he was talking about inviting his ex girlfriend out on his birthday piss up whilst I was in bed unwell Pregnant with his… I was shocked by his insensitivity and thought maybe his birthday priorities would have been different this year … yes I’m a right bitch 😂😂

This.

He sounds awful and you are right to never have contact with him again.

Was the pregnancy intentional? If so then that was a massive massive mistake. I'm sure you've realised this though. You knew this main was volatile and that your relationship was awful. I don't know if it was just baby blinkers and you were desperate for a baby or whether you have genuine issues over men and relationships. Maybe it is something to look at with a counsellor. I think that maybe you should consider counselling even if the pregnancy was an actual unplanned pregnancy.

I’m so happy for you that this relationship ended before your baby is born. That is a very mentally unstable and abusive man. Who smashes a windscreen in an argument?! I mean who behaves like that? Who throws out a pregnant woman and makes his elderly mother pack up her personal stuff?! This guy is crazy and I imagine you have some form of PTSD after the relationship.

The good news is that you have a baby on the way who is going to love you like you’’ve never been loved before 🥰

I’m fully aware that being with him was a huge mistake and take responsibility for that and as I have said I am working through that and trying to realise why I chose someone like him in the first place. I did know him for a few years prior from work. He was known to be an absolute arrogant arse and gobshite there and my friends were all very Suprised including my family when they met him that I would chose to be with someone like him. Extremely cocky, didn’t ever listen or let you talk and extremely loud and brash. I had a 5 year relationship before with someone who was infertile so went through a lot there so I think yes possibly baby blinkers. Yes I made a mistake but I can’t undo it now nor am I playing the victim. Just trying to get myself in best possible place for this baby which I’m hugely excited for and to never repeat the same mistakes again. I intend to be single for a long time, focus on the baby which is the most important thing in all of this of course and will be my main focus. I’m just simply trying to process what has happened and move on and be the best mum I can be.

He was violent and abusive even before you got pregnant. Sadly, he was never going to change no matter how much you wished he would.

I'm putting this as kindly as I can, but I think you are doing the same kind of "wishing hard" that he won't be interested in the baby any more and he'll just forget all about you from now on. I dont think its going to work like that. Abusers like that see their children as a perfect way of tying their victims to them forever.

If you do think you can stay away forever, I would go with your plan of not putting him on the birth certificate, and certainly not telling anyone who might tell him when you go into labour. Very best of luck, my lovely.

@Unseelie thank you for your kind words 🥰 yes the whole his mum and sister packing all
my personal belongings and treating me like trash whilst I just stood there in complete shock still haunts me. It felt very ganged up on 3 of them and me. Why a 47 year old gets his mum and sister involved is still beyond me. I think there is some form of shock there. They knew I was off work poorly and pregnant, I said I would leave and packed a few weeks stuff I just can’t understand how they could do that and not give me the respect or decency to pack my own things in my own time and make arrangements etc? I paid him rent as well!! I was off work unwell as well. Just hard to get your head around.

Regardless of your anxiety, you've had a lot of traumatic experiences there, that you're probably needing to process. Can you talk to someone, get your GP to refer you to counselling or similar? Concentrate on taking care of yourself. A content mum makes for a content baby.

So sorry your having a horrible time.

Are you seeking counselling now during your pregnancy?

He was abusive and be glad you away from him. He is very nasty person.

Look after yourself x

If you don't live near this man and don't cross paths with him any more then I would be tempted to give him a message, maybe through your parents that you lost the baby, I'm sorry that sounds so horrible but bullies like this with enabling bullying family members rarely vanish and you say yourself that he is territorial.

You and your baby deserve a peaceful safe life together and a real fresh start without fear and without having to spend your every last penny on solicitors and rely on our crummy agencies to keep your baby safe. A short walk around this forum alone demonstrates that the family court is a place that abusers use to further control their victims and men who are clearly abusive are awarded shared custody of their children as their behaviour towards the child's Mother isn't enough to keep him from the child. If the Mother/ Sister would do what they did then they would absolutely take your baby off of his hands if he wanted to use it to punish you whilst not inconveniencing himself, it happens all of the time he's obviously painted you as a bad/ unstable person to them already for them to do what they did.
I wouldn't be keeping him blocked either, I'd be changing my phone number a cheap PAYG is all it takes to get around someone blocking you.

You are grieving now but someday you will be so relieved he's out of your life. You did the best thing for you and the baby. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you will be happy again. You and the baby deserve so much better and once your self worth, that he stripped away, returns you will not give him a second thought. I'm pretty sure he will be back once he realises you've moved on but don't take this to mean he cares. Never forget the way he's made you feel.

@Feeloverit @Summerhillsquare i am seeing someone privately which is helping. Midwives have been semi helpful. But I’m even paranoid about doing this to be honest as I don’t want anything getting used against me that I’m “mentally unstable”. I just hope any decent court/mediators would see kicking someone out whilst pregnant enabled by family members was pretty awful. I don’t think that’s someone who cares about the baby. I’m hoping the silence will continue. If he cared about the baby he would check during the pregnancy (a logical mind would think) plus he’s probably not going to want to give up his selfish ways and weekends down the pub. Why you would want to enrage the person carrying you child either if you wanted a relationship with the child. I will be breastfeeding so no one will grant overnight stays or time away from mum and I’m not having him near me or round my house if he did pop up!

@Hellsbells909 hi OP. Three years ago I went through something horribly similar. I was cut off in pregnancy after some really odd behaviour from a man around the same age as your ex. He too had no relationship background, was very selfish and didn’t want his life disrupted in any way. His family also took a similar approach, totally enabled his awful behaviour and never took a moment’s interest in their own flesh and blood. One thing I found hard was dealing with the feeling of guilt. I remember it so well. Was it my fault? Did I get cross? Did I make things hard? Etc etc. All when I was very hormonal. When the fog lifts you will see clearly that a man who doesn’t understand why you need to rest after feeling unwell in pregnancy is a very basic sign that a man is pretty disgusting. The right response is making you comfortable, caring for you, being there… you know, because you’re pregnant. I too was asked ‘why can’t I get up and about like most pregnant women’ and got looks of frustration when I said I couldn’t eat a particular food that disrupted his usual routine.

I can’t say it was easy, I suffered greatly with how he ruined my pregnancy and caused stress beyond anything I can explain during the most vulnerable time of my life. Nothing will ever make that better. But you know what? While I’m not perfect, I loved him, was dedicated and just wanted the same treatment. He lost a lot and as far as I know is heading towards fifty, alone, isolated. You can’t force people to be forgiving or understanding or reasonable. I’m sure your behaviour wasn’t great but pregnancy is a high stress time, you don’t do the things your ex proceeded to do, even IF you break up. You still do the right thing. Neither of our ex’s did that but it doesn’t make it our fault. I’m a similar age to you, bit older, and while I am terrified of making a mistake with anyone new, I can say that I’ve had plenty of interest and your life won’t stop. If your ex is a high or decent earner I would claim CMS but it’s obviously up to you how you feel. Sending lots of love.

Ps ignore some of the insensitive posts on here… when someone has no idea what it’s like to go through something like this, they are sadly not equipped to advise you. So what if you made an error in judgement in going ahead with dating him or having a baby? It doesn’t excuse him. Everyone makes mistakes, nobody escapes life free of them and these very few judgmental posters (most have been lovely) could be in any sort of situation very soon. Life changes quickly and it always amazes me how quick people are to judge a situation they’ve never been in. You sound ground down and tired and in shock still - all understandable.