DH not sharing information re working hours

[BixCaleen]

Not sure if I AIBU? Seems difficult to describe! Would welcome views.

How would you feel if your DH/Partner didn't share details of when their working patterns changed. For example, working a shift pattern, start time is 9am and it gets changed to 2pm, or start time is 5pm but they are now not required to work so have the evening off.

Does your significant other let you know they will be going to work later/earlier/not at all, or in the case of my DH, not tell you working hours/start times have changed or that they are not going at in at all.

AIBU in thinking it would be reasonable to know when one's partner was going out to work?

Yes of course he should share - if you have DC it’s essential but even if you don’t it’s just courtesy 🤷‍♀️

I’d be wondering 💭 if he was seeing someone else if he’s being so secretive about his working patterns. Alternatively, could he have lost his job and be lying about it?
Even if he’s not hiding anything other than his shift patterns it doesn’t seem healthy to be so secretive about what should be basic communication between partners.

Mine doesn’t but he’s spectacularly self absorbed when it comes to planning and scheduling his own life.

He's either incredibly disorganised, or he's up to something.

This issue aside… your marriage is shit. Correct?

Of course you should know. How would you know if he’d had an accident or broken down and needed help ?
Is he knocking someone off so not letting you know his movements ?

@MyLovelyPen Exactly - courtesy, manners, just a simple "oh not going into work today"

@Onestepforwards2back it's the opposite. He only wants to be home! And I agree its basic comms.

No kids at home now, so in the grand scheme of things it might not be as important as coordinating school picks up etc.

In a long list of times that I haven't been told about shift changes, yesterday's incident was that I asked if DH was going in late as I have an appt to attend and he previously offered to come with me and let his work know he would be a little late.

I asked last night "Was work fine with you going in late?" and he replied that he wasn't needed so wasn't going in. I said oh when did you find out, he said today, then I asked when he was going to let me know he got arsey with me and replied in a tone that he didn't realise he needed to tell me.

The thing is, it happens all the time. Shift patterns change, start times change, goes into to work and comes home early. I finally asked recently if he could put start times on the calendar so I knew when he was going to work. By his reaction you'd think I'd asked for privileged info.

I've yet to discuss with him why I feel the way I do...

It's abusive.

Coming and going without telling you is not normal. Especially if you have children. He could well be having an affair as you don't know when he is working.

It's not unreasonable to have a rough idea whether a shift worker is on am/pm/nights. For the purposes of food and meal planning and engaging in family life.

He's either being self-absorbed and not realising this is unfair behaviour or he's being a dick and enjoying controlling you by keeping you from his life. If he won't show you his shift pattern then there is a reason.

Ask him and take action accordingly. Don't allow yourself to be treated like this. He's your partner not a housemate.

What you allow will continue and what continues will escalate.

My partner works different shifts. I find it annoying because they just seem to change all the time even though he insists they follow a pattern “most of the time”. So I’ll merrily be planning a weekend thing only for him to suddenly say he’s working.

if I ask he tells me but I wouldn’t expect him to text me once I left for work to say “shift is now 9-2 not 11-4” because I don’t really care! It only matters If it affects my plans so if he won’t be home for dinner. If I come home and he’s come home early because they had to many in then I guess that would come up in conversation but I don’t expect a report.

i guess it would be different if you had children and you were trying to arrange stuff with tgem

Erm, of course..

I've read some threads here on the topic of partner's coming home early and it interrupts say a cleaning day, or if you thought you had an evening to yourself and partner is now not going out so it scuppers your plans. I think to myself "yeah I get that, so frustrating".

For context I work mainly from home (since COVID) but for years I've not always been told when he is working. It's frustrating not to know, but since youngest left for Uni it's ramped up.

It seems like a total non-issue but I feel, as others have commented, that it is not unreasonable to know when he is going to work. I'll be thinking he is leaving at x time, gets to the point he is supposed to go up for a shower and he's still on the sofa. I pop into to lounge and say oh not having a shower, he says no, I'm not going in til later.

Now would you, if your plans changed for any reason tell your OH that your plans have changed or would you just to say anything? And I understand that we have no kids at home, just us, I work from home, I don't really go anywhere.

I think some may be right, its a bigger issue. Let me have a think....

It’s bad manners and a lack of respect to begin with, and it could be seen as control if your relationship isn’t good.
Is everything else ok in your lives ?

Its probably a mixture, of lack of respect, "what difference does it make to her?, shes home anyway & to keep you guessing.
Maybe give him a taste of his own medecine, or is that petty😉
Ex. "I'm out tomorrow night."
Then just not go, & go out another night without discussion....

@Razzle5 @DominoBlue I appreciate what you are saying. I have the Lundy book and a quick breeze through doesn't quite nail what it is I am feeling and experiencing. Initial thoughts: lying by omission. Why someone feels the need to not say or share I just don't get.

Wanting to get it in my head that I'm not being unreasonable. @cooldarkroom indeed! How would he feel if I planned to go out then just sat on the bloody sofa! Or just got up in the morning and went out without a word!

No, not really

It doesn't affect him either way.

I write my shifts on the calendar.

If he was that bothered he could check. He never does.

I dont really see what difference it makes to you of he leaves the house at 2 instead of 12

You say “you appreciate what I’m saying”

I actually asked a question which you have dodged

would I be correct in thinking that this issue completely aside…. Your marriage is pretty shit?

“No kids at home”

so you have been married for a long time?

He behaves as if he lived alone.

Apart from the staff, who don't count. That's you.

My DH doesn't work shifts but does do some lates and weekends. No kids but he shares his rota as soon as he gets it (it's set for year which is helpful).

I have all his rota in my calendar as it's essential I know so I can plan things round him and for also booking my holiday.

I'd think it very suspicious if he didn't share this with me.

My dh shift pattern changes very regularly and tbh I can never keep up. But it also wouldn't bother me if he's going in later etc especially if he only found out that morning himself. He does tell me when he knows in advance but it changes so much I just forget and ask him each morning. We don't have kids yet so it doesn't really matter for now plus we both work hard so if either needs to stay later in work then we just would. When our baby comes we'll need to mark it down on a planner of some description but maybe that's something you could try now if it's bothering you? I don't think I'd class this behaviour as abusive in the least? That seems a little extreme... it sounds more like you're looking forward to having your own space in the house and planning your day around that and you feel that by him being there unexpectedly he's interrupted that? But it is his home too... if I finish work early I don't always tell dh and I don't really need to tell him when I'm going in either as my job is very flexible. Different when we have a wee one but not for now...

Has he lost his job and doesn't want to tell you?

do you think he is doing it so you can't ask him to do anything...like "oh since you're not starting till later can you pop to the shops" etc

If you weren't working from home would you expect him to tell you?

You wouldn't know either way

It doesn't affect you.

I have no idea when I'm at work if mine is at work or not. Or when he starts.

2nd marriage, over a decade, my children. I don't regard my marriage as shit, because I've been in an utterly shit marriage to a narc. But there seems to be an emerging theme of things that are not working, or that don't work for me.

The example above re wanting to know work schedules, to some it's not that big of a deal and if I think about it rationally and objectively, of course it's no big a deal, he is an adult. I'm an adult, I can go out any time I like, I'm not kept, or owned or controlled.

To others it does matter, totally agree with those who say it's simple common courtesy to let your partner know what their working pattern/social plans are. But when I make plans I share them because that what I believe happens in a healthy relationship.

Would love to turn around and say WhoTFDYTYA behaving that way eh? Where is your fucking manners....I'm close. Or maybe its better to say nothing. Really need a way to call out disrespect without coming across as irrational and emotionally.

If I wasn't working from home, maybe a quick text to say I won't be in when you get in from work, house is alarmed typed thing? No?