DH not sharing information re working hours

[BixCaleen]

Not sure if I AIBU? Seems difficult to describe! Would welcome views.

How would you feel if your DH/Partner didn't share details of when their working patterns changed. For example, working a shift pattern, start time is 9am and it gets changed to 2pm, or start time is 5pm but they are now not required to work so have the evening off.

Does your significant other let you know they will be going to work later/earlier/not at all, or in the case of my DH, not tell you working hours/start times have changed or that they are not going at in at all.

AIBU in thinking it would be reasonable to know when one's partner was going out to work?

It is bad manners, disrespectful and contemptuous.

Resentment sets in when one party feels they do not need to disclose anything to their partner.

If you have asked and wish to know then I cannot see his problem in telling you.

You are clearly not important enough to know his timetable.

He clearly is not prioritising you and your feelings enough to have sex, look after him and care for his needs, you are well within your rights to deny him information about your movements. Make sure you're not at home when he wants dinner.
This of course leads to a crap marriage, men never realise that they destroy their own nests.

Respect goes both ways

Does he think he is living in a hotel ?

@BixCaleen

No

We dont have an alarm. Neither of us have set finish times

We're in when we're in.

We have an online calender and put our work shifts on there and any appointments so we know what we are up to.

Hmm.

In your position, I’d definitely find this infuriating. I want to know when the house is all mine!

In your DP’s position, though, I’d also potentially find it infuriating to have to update every movement. Because it doesn’t make a material difference if I’m going to work at 12pm or at 5pm, unless it affects food/other’s plans.

I think this is one of those where you need to be careful not to be so annoyed by a perceived ‘lack of respect’ or whatever that you blow it up out of proportion. Have you had a calm conversation where you say it really helps you to know what his shifts are and when they change? Or is the the first time you’re addressing it?

This would be a constant low-level irritant to me. Amd I going to be left in peace to finish this? When will he be back so we can talk about that?

None of it would necessarily be huge, but I like my home environment to be safe and predictable, and that includes knowing whos going to be there and who isn't.

It could be that he absolutely does not feel that way about home, and you do. But perhaps its also a bit deeper than that? Perhaps he is giving you the message that
he does not feel he is part of a collaborative partneship.

I think I would find that hurtful. If that's the case, that he doesn't feel part of a team, it says something about your role in his life, as pps have suggested.

I'm absolutely on the fence here. On the face of it, it's not unreasonable to want to know when he's home... but it also feels like quite an odd ask to be constantly updated. I'm working this week; my hours have changed all the time. I mention them when they're relevant or they come up in conversation, but I don't update DH immediately every time they change, and we have a baby. It's just the nature of work.

I think the weirdness for me is that it feels very functional; and I can't see how that works in a marriage. Do you not chat, and does that not generally move onto plans for tomorrow etc? Do you feel he's deliberately withholding information from them?

I think on it's own this would only be a minor irritant to me; but it feels like it might be a symptom of a much bigger problem, from the way you've written it.

Perhaps you need to listen to him to work out who h it is. If its the former, and you can make him understand it is your preference to be kept informed as it is more comfortable for you, its not a huge thing to ask. If he gets arsey about it , then perhaps you should worry.

If it is the latter, there is a lack of agreement between you about what your relationship actually is

Does seem pretty rude.

Not surprising that a lot of men have a "you're not the boss of me" attitude.

He hasn't changed in all these years so I would just stop asking him and do what you want.

I think a lot of this depends a lot on tone etc. spin it round :

“the hours I work change all the time, sometimes I get home earlier or other times I go in later. Sometimes I don’t know the change until the same day. My husband expects me to tell him my shift change everytime as soon as I know and gets fustrated with me if I come home early without telling him or am sat on the sofa when he thinks I should be heading out the door. He’s suggested I write down my schedule so he always knows when I’m working. I don’t mind telling him if he asks but AIBU to think it’s a bit controlling to think I should always be updating him? I feel like he’s keeping tabs on me or counting down the hours till I’m out the house”

I get this and see both sides, I really do. Absolutely do not need to know every minute of every day constant updates and if like a PP, turn it around then see it clear as day. And I hear you when you say about being careful not to be annoyed by a perceived lack of respect.

Whilst I've been WFH its got to the point I can't seem to be able to work without being distracted. It's akin to subtle sabotage. And I said this to someone before who said I was being crazy, but at times when I need to concentrate, there is noise, constant interruptions. So I plan when to work, when to breathe, when to have space, when to call people and then things change/schedules change without warning and I feel out of control and like I just don't know what happens when. So hard to describe.

I did speak with him, he said his not working tonight was not relevant to me. Which tbh upset me more.

...to be able to work without being distracted. It's akin to subtle sabotage.
I'm with you on this, I was trying to concentrate on some wok yesterday, & my H sat at the same table & asked what for supper, it did NOT go down well.
I was snappy & rude. leave me the fuck alone I don't give a toss what you eat this evening

I would say to your H.." It very much is relevant to me to know when I can concentrate on my work, whether I can do yoga a in the middle of the living room without interruption & an audience, whether I make a snack for 1 or 2 or skip lunch altogether, whether I can call my sister for a long girly chat.
We are supposedly a team, but you enjoy this fluctuating floating shift life, wander in & out without a word, If I didn't care, if it didn't make any difference to me I wouldn't ask, but it Does. The refusal to show me just the smallest gesture I am asking for kind of sums up the problems in this relationship

Sounds like a you/wfh problem rather than your dhs problem.

I did speak with him, he said his not working tonight was not relevant to me. Which tbh upset me more

Of course that's upsetting it shows a blatent disregard of your feelings.

It shows a clear message that he is not accountable for your welfare and feelings.
That his wishes and feelings are more important than yours.

Regardless of why he wants to withold that information, it just means he does not feel you should be taken into account.

That's not a relationship.

I have a friend whose partner tours the world.

His itinery is given to her as in what countries he will be in and what time he will be performing and when that ends.

It does not affect her in any way, she will not see him for months, but he involves her the best he can, reasures her that he is thinking of her by phoning and explaining his day, any changes are explained.
He would be considered a powerful man, yet he chooses to make his partner the most important person in his life, his associates know this and respect him for it.

It is as repectful as it can be.

Your world has a partner who wishes to exclude you.