Red flags all over ?

[summersunshine46]

I’ve written a lot of posts about this situation, most recently a couple of days ago. I wrote how I felt like I was overthinking and analysing things, but tonight I can no longer look past things and I’ve had a realisation that this guy has red flags circulating over him but I want a second opinion on this also.

So guy in question accidentally told me he loved me a couple of weeks into dating. Since then he’s told me every time I see him how much he likes me etc. last night I went round and his dog started growling and barking at me he come downstairs and was like let the dog sit with us so I did even though I felt weird about it. He then bent down and said ‘I can’t believe you think that she is a c**t’ to the dog I was gobsmacked, joke or not felt really weird behaviour.

Then we were watching film and it was a comedy but had a funeral part in it and he was like whose reading your eulogy, I was like erm I don’t plan on dying this young any time soon but he kept asking me thought it was strange. Then he grabbed hold of my hand and continue to tell me how much he likes me and that he wants me to be his fitness buddy. This was during the point in the film where they were talking about being exclusive and it had been something that was on my mind but glad I didn’t bring it up.

he told me the bottle of Prosecco couldn’t be opened becuase he’s saving it for his date tonight (whether that was a joke or not I’m not sure). Then this morning he woke up and said do you want a coffee in bed and I said you don’t have to get up this early and he said no it’s ok I really like you so I want to, then we went bit off and cold and then I left he gave me a little peck whereas normally it’s full on kiss. Then tonight he’s gone off out again and for the first time in 2 months he’s gone compeltley silent and left mg message unread.

everytime I see him it’s really good during the night go for food and drinks he acts like I’m the only person in the room and is so attentive. The next day I go away and my head is completely all over the place. Surely this is not normal 2 months into dating?

It’s not that easy, these guys give you hot and cold. Emotionally manipulative types are very nice sometimes, they’ll tell you they love you, love bomb you then they call you a cunt or give you the silent treatment. It’s a total head f-ck. it takes a very strong person to walk out of this situation in it’s early stages. Usually people will stay and leave after a while and when the abuse gets really bad.

I’m under the impression this man is grooming the OP.

@Sandra1984

I wasn't asking for a definition of how abusive relationships work. I was asking OP a specific question, in the hope that she'd answer it. Not sure why you're answering for her.

Yeah, these plus the 4 week marriage.

He sounds off the fkg bracket, he sounds batshit.

I think you need to gtfo of there.

I thought her answer was very relevent ... To the op and people in general.

*relevant

This one gets tossed in the "batshit" bucket, op.

And thrown back into the sea.

Oh no something is very wrong here. Stay away.

It's relevant to op, but I'm not sure why I was tagged. OP will have reasons she's staying with him. She needs to look into why that is, because he's feeding something in her that is starving, and that's why she's putting up with the abuse.

I'm not disagreeing with the PP in any way, she's right, but that doesn't mean that OP shouldn't break down her feelings in order to understand them.

The next day I go away and my head is completely all over the place.

You know everything you need to know about whether you should continue this reationship already. You don't need to ask anyone what they think.

Shut your ears and open your eyes, and end it.

he told me the bottle of Prosecco couldn’t be opened becuase he’s saving it for his date tonight (whether that was a joke or not I’m not sure). Then this morning he woke up and said do you want a coffee in bed
When a man invites you to his house, then goes out of his way to make goading remarks about how you don't deserve prosecco but he has a date tomorrow night who does, the only reasonable response is to leave immediately.

Not spend the night with them, & then invest hours is wondering if he likes you.

So guy in question accidentally told me he loved me a couple of weeks into dating.
It wasn't an accident, & he does not love you. That was Love Bombing.

Since then he’s told me every time I see him how much he likes me etc.
He doesn't even like you.
He allowed his dog to bark & growl at you & then told it to sit right beside you.
Then he has his ridiculous little pop at you - calling you a cunt, via dog proxy.

Please tell me why on earth you are posting thread after thread (SIX?!) about this guy instead of ditching him & blocking on all comms? He's a fucking weirdo. What is going on with you that you are tolerating him?
Dump him, & stay single for a year while you invest in some serious conselling based on building up your self-esteem, & uncovering the background reasons you have allowed this man to treat you so poorly.

Dump him already.

What do you hope to gain by asking the same questions multiple times?

He's a weirdo. Dump him.

@Watchkeys I really like him despite all of this, I know this sounds shallow but I am very attracted to him, he's very good looking, we have a laugh together, we go nice places, he does things for me. I'm just trying to weigh it all up.

I did initially think I was just being over cautious, I spent 10 years in an abusive relationship, I have been single for 2 years now, and decided just recently to try and date for fun. I have really high walls and won't let anybody in. And I feel I can spot red flags pretty early on. I'm aware these flags exist and I am not 100% sure why I am dismissing them. I think like @Watchkeys said I need to de-construct my feelings and become a little clearer on things.

I have really high walls and won't let anybody in. And I feel I can spot red flags pretty early on.

All your actions say different. Slept with him on the first date. Ignored and dismissed every red flag from him. Red flags aren't meant to be collected. It's meant to say stop and don't proceed any further.

Leaves you feeling uneasy and not good but you keep ignoring it.

Did you get any therapy during your non dating time? Do the freedom programme? Read, Lundy Bancroft's Why Does he do that??

@emptythelitterbox Yes I had therapy for a while this year to learn about my last relationship. I've not read Lundy Bancroft but it has been recommended so I will have to have a read.

he's very good looking

Yeah but there's a reason the hot Vs crazy graph exists.

To me he sounds either batshit and filterless, or batshit and gane playing.

Goog looks are all very well but they're cancelled out by craziness and nastiness (if you're sensible and want to be happy).

*Good

decided just recently to try and date for fun.

Well then, date for fun.

A big enough proportion of this is not fun ... To qualify it is not fun.

So, next ..

A normal, well adjusted response to your dog growling at someone is to get them out of the room, and figure out why they are growling (pergps later) and see what solution to can get for it (training etc) not say "oh, doggy, why do you think she's a cunt?"

Even the use of the word cunt.

I don’t see why you ‘really like him’, looks don’t really mean anything when he has a shit personality?

If you started dating ‘for fun’ then when it doesn’t feel fun anymore you should stop? There are plenty of nice guys out there that won’t talk to you like crap one minute and then love bomb you the next, you are just attracting that type because you are putting up with it. I ditch these guys straight away these days, life’s to short to waste it on someone that makes you feel bad and treats you badly.

You don’t want to be with him really, you have just created a dream in your head of living happily ever after with the first guy who’s taken a interest. Have some more respect for yourself and don’t settle for something that’s not right.

Basically implying heavily a dog is a "cunt-ometer", when in fact some dogs are territorial, some are aggressive, some are shit with people who they're not familiar with or have been familiar with, some are not trained well etc etc.

He's dumb as fk to think all dogs are some kind of magical, infallible judge of human nature, let alone say it out loud.

And also, does he not think it was offensive, or dues he not care?

If he doesn't think it was offensive... He's not normal.
If he duesbt care, he's a bastard.

The wine comment was totally off as well.

The freakishly short marriage is also a gigantic warning you should be paying attention to.

I shoul add, a normal reaction is to get them out of the room, and apologise or explain.

And an explanation is not "my dog/all dogs are infallible cunt-ometers, but maybe it's got one wrong this time".