HIV?

[Sheree2000]

Can someone educate me more on this without judgement…myself and my partner don’t have HIV but we’ve started having anal sex it’s a lot more enjoyable for my partner then me as I find it painful but I just wanted to know if you can get HIV from this, even if you and your partner don’t have it, sorry if it’s a stupid question I have anxiety and I’m over thinking about it a lot and want to be safe. Thank you.

Well then he should use a condom for vaginal sex and you should use the pill, or better still the implant.

Then you have two forms of contraception.

Or he shouldn't have sex outside marriage .... Which I believe is not allowed in his religion anyway.

But I don't think you should keep having sex with him or keep seeing him. There is so much that is not good or right about his behaviour. He's not a decent guy.

He won't marry a non Muslim anyway. So what's the point of the relationship, unless you want to just shag somebody for a while. And he's pushing you to shag anally, which is painful and not good for your anus/sphincter.

I hate it too and think it's unnatural.

You can do better than him.

Most Muslim guys do not ever marry non muslim women.

Even if you were willing to convert, he probably still wouldn't.

Most women in relationships would like it to go towards marriage and a family eventually m. I can't see that happening with you.

You'd be much better going out with a non Muslim guy who is good to you (he's not) and who have vaginal sex with condoms (and ideally you on the pill) and who would be open to marriage and family in future.

If he's so scared of getting someone pregnant, he can abstain from sex, or use condoms and make sure the girl is on the pill or implant.

It's no excuse for him to push for anal sex all the time.

It's rarely pleasant for women, it's certainly not for me, and you must have communicated it's not pleasant for you (it's even painful) and he's not a good guy or a decent guy to keep wanting to do it, knowing that.

He cares about his orgasm and him ejaculating without condoms more than ge cards about his partner's comfort or enjoyment or welfare.

That's not a decent guy, and not one you should keep seeing.

It's going nowhere if he's Muslim and you're not anyway.

Have you actually seen a negative hiv test result from him?

Those results it used to be accurate for up to 3 or 4 months before the test was done too ... Because it takes time for the hiv antibodies to show up on the blood.

I don't know if tests now are more accurate/more up to date.

Even if he can have a hiv test done and show you the negative result, you are relying on him to be faithful while having sex you, because he could get it from someone else if he's not.

Then he'd be a massive risk to you sex without condoms, especially anal sex.
If he got it, you'd get it from him sooner or later.

You're putting a huuuuge amount of trust in him, having any sex without condoms let alone anal sex.

From his selfishness, his sneakiness, his pushiness, and his controlling, shit behaviour a out your clothes .... I don't think he deserved that huge amount of trust.

I don't think he deserves a relationship.

Those hiv test results only used to be accurate for up to 3 or 4 months before the test was done too ... Because it takes time for the hiv antibodies to show up on the blood.

Others have already pointed out that you are in an abusive relationship, and that some of what he is doing could constitute rape or attempted rape.

But none of this is because he is Muslim. It's because he is an abuser.

Nice to see some Islamophobia on this thread too, but I just want to be clear that the vast majority of Muslims want a consensual, mutually respectful and supportive relationships. Sorry to all of you who had bad experiences dating a Muslim, but abusers come from all sorts of religions and backgrounds. And cowardly men will use all sorts of excuses to get out of a relationship with you, including their religion, rather than just being upfront.

For god's sake I mean OP personally won't because neither her or her bf have it ffs!

He does kinda control the way I dress once we went out and he didn’t like what I was wearing so walked off from me I had to trail behind him and he said I’m an embarrassment but it’s because he’s Muslim.

You didn't have to trail behind him, you chose to.

You had a choice.

Unless he had your keys, bags, purse, phone, whatever ... In which case you could have followed him til you got them back and then left.

Also, saying you are an embarrassment, in any circumstances, is extremely offensive, cruel etc.

You are in another abusive relationship. You're going along with another abusive relationship.

Just because it's maybe not as extreme and the previous one, doesn't mean it's not.

That's not even getting on to him pushing for anal sex all the time, even though it's painful, not enjoyable for you ... And could damage you

Or still trying to do it when you e not really agreed to it.

He's a shit person and partner.

OP, please split up with this man.

A respectful loving relationship means if you don't want to do a sexual act, the other person accepts the no and doesn't try to persuade or trick or pretend they've forgotten, or that it's the heat of the moment - they accept the no, and they don't push you to do it anyway.

If he cared about you as a person he wouldn't be doing this to you.

Does he ever pleasure you with his hands or his mouth? Does he make sure you come to orgasm, maybe not each time but most times? This is what a caring partner does- find ways to make sure the other person is having a good time.

thank you for all your comments I see what you and everyone else mean by abusive…my partner came round today and I said to him before we done anything that I don’t wanna do anal but he proceeded to ask if we could do it I said no, he said it’ll be the last time (he’s said this numerous amount of times) I still said no, he said he’ll go slow once again I said no then during sex he tried to put it into my ass I had to tell him yet again no I did feel bad as he seemed a bit stroppy when I said no…it put me off having sex with him as I felt like he wasn’t enjoying it as he kept asking to do anal we then went on to continue having sex but I just lied there feeling numb but now I see what everyone’s been talking about

before I posted this I did notice he’s a bit selfish during sex…as most women, I like a guy who takes there time and wants to pleasure me as much as I’d pleasure them but I feel like my partners very focused on himself don’t want to get into too much details but he’ll want me to play with him using my hands and mouth and then straight after want to put it inside me and make himself cum he dosent really spend time on me properly the way I do with him and I’ve found that our sex is no longer enjoyable for me in fact it’s become something I dread because when we do it I know it’ll be me focusing on him or him trying to do anal with me which I don’t like

OP, this isn’t a relationship. Please value yourself more than this and walk away, this man will never make a good partner for you.

Hi @Sheree2000 no judgement from me and I'll just respond to the HIV question. Your knowledge of HIV is probably due to thinking it is more of a gay thing where the virus is contracted from having anal sex. However it can be contracted vaginally too where sex is concerned. This will depend on various factors such as the other person already having the virus and not being on medication that controls it to the point that it can't be passed on. I contracted it from vaginal sex.

Can I ask if you and your partner have done any STI & HIV tests? There are other STIs that are more easily transmitted and it would be a good idea to do them if you haven't already. If you do an online search you can both get postal tests which makes them very easy to do. www.sh.uk

I think you know this isn’t right. Whatever has drawn you to this man or whatever you hope to get out of this relationship, it is not going to work well for you. End it ( before he does and your self esteem is even lower). Maybe invest in some counselling.Counselling helped me realise I was drawn to unavailable men because my father had been so emotionally unavailable when I was growing up, it’s like I was trying to revisit the experience but win by making the guys interested in me. It didn’t work.

Also, excellent advice from HIVpos.

Thank you for educating me further on this, yes I think the reason I got scared you could contract it through anal was due to HIV being common in the gay community where it’s obviously transmitted anally. Yes me and my partner have done STI checks and I’m aware of other STI’s that you can get as unfortunately I found out 4 years ago that I have genital herpes so I am very cautious of who I sleep with and if they are clean. Was just overthinking about HIV as I have anxiety but once again thank you for your comment!

Thank you for your comment…yes I was looking into counselling as I have a lot of mental health problems and not a strong support system. Your situation is similar to mine I don’t know my real dad he didn’t want anything to do with me and my step dad who raised me wasn’t the best he’s probably one of the reasons I have anxiety I think a lot of girls (like myself) who didn’t receive love from their fathers end up trying to recieve it from other men most the time it ends up being the wrong type of men

Yes, and you've got the wrong type of man here, unfortunately.

Have you heard of the shark cage analogy? www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Quote from it:
No one is born with a shark cage. A shark cage is a set of ideas and skills that create good boundaries and self-esteem. People with good shark cages will weigh any potential new relationship against how happy they already are. Some of the things that contribute to having a good shark cage include:

• Being raised to believe you’re valuable and important.
• Having adults in your life who model healthy, mutual relationships.
• Being taught from an early age that your body belongs to you and no one can touch it without your permission.
• Believing that you are fundamentally equal to other human beings.
• Knowing how to say “no” effectively.
• Knowing how to tell the difference between interest in you as a person and as an object.
• Trusting your “spidey-sense” when it tells you to turn someone down.

When you don't have those things, for whatever reason, your background etc, you're like catnip to predators and to blokes like this, who put their own pleasure and wants over your needs, interests and even pain.

You really need to break up with him and build up your shark cage & your own sense of value before dating anyone again.

He sounds horrible. He's fine with putting his pleasure above your pain. And you can get pregnant doing anal. A bit of his semen could easily end up inside your vagina because both orifices (for lack of a better word) are so close to each other.

Yes OP I strongly believe that if a girl does not get attention/ affection/ validation from their father, or a consistent father figure maybe such as a very involved grandfather etc, they will be drawn to men who are not emotionally available. In the (often unconscious) hope of revisiting the situation but winning out by getting a man who is remote/cold/ distant to be interested in them. In my case, my dad was obsessed with politics ( Conservative/ right wing) and did his best to give his kids as little attention as possible ( I think he was also on the autistic spectrum,). My first boyfriend was also into politics ( fancied himself as a communist). He was emotionally distant but I found him oh so attractive. The fact that they obsessed about different political parties was irrelevant, it was the same dynamic and as obvious as it seems now, it took 18 months of counselling in my 40s for the penny to drop. Anyway, I’m just saying this as an illustration. I hope you find the advice on here helpful. Keep posting as long as you find it useful.