They don’t care about me do they ? It’s just hit me

[Coldhardtruth]

I used to be very present with my family - always giving lifts to DM and DSIS and SIL. Dropping off shopping, helping with childcare, I’d arrange meeting up or cafes or spa days but I had this feeling how it was always me arranging or initiating contact unless they wanted something then they’d call. I pushed it to the back of my mind I think ?

A couple of times I needed support / help but they weren’t available which is fine I understood. One of the occasions dsis actually said ‘sorry I’m away on a weekend with the girls !’ So obviously I thought oh she’s 4 hours away! Till the next day when my teenager told me they’d seen her the day before in our local town ??? I asked dm who told me ‘well you shouldn’t be asking favours’ but I felt sad she had lied to me ?

like a doormat I let that go as well and a few months ago I was unwell. I couldn’t help others anymore. Nobody asked how I was and some days I couldn’t even text and I realised the silence. Nobody ever text me ? I text when I felt ok and did get a response but very short replies. I explained to my dm I wasn’t well and had been in hospital etc

I feel that I’m no use to anyone now but I’ve seen on fb they’d met up a few times so I deleted my account as it was upsetting not to even be invited. Not even asked how I am.
I said to DM how I felt and that I wasn’t going to be chasing them anymore she said she would let everyone know then that I didn’t want to be contacted. And that’s it ? It’s been a month and nothing.

I was used wasn’t I and they just don’t care. I feel so hurt I know the relationships weren’t ‘real’ if I was doing all the chasing and helping etc and as soon as I couldn’t I get dropped but it really hurts

I'm so sorry. I have something similar with my DM. It's so hurtful.

This happened to my husband. For what it´s worth your mum shouldnt be telling anyone you dónt want to be contacted, you will do your own communicating thank you. And anyway it is a lie. The problem is they only communicate when they want something. Your mum needs to wind her neck in, she isn´t your PA.

They're awful, op, and I'm sorry. I think I would concentrate on your own life and let them fade into the distance.

Yes im really hurt. I don’t regret giving my time and helping at all as I wasn’t doing it for anything in return if that makes sense and it was nice to be able to help but it’s the realisation I was viewed as an asset when I did help and nothing when i can’t ? I thought they liked me - it’s clear they don’t and I’m so sad and also feel stupid it’s taken me so long.

I feel bad for my dc too as DM has said how she’s too busy to ever see them as she’s having to pick up where I left off with childcare for dsis and sil

Yes what I said to her was that I wouldn’t be there one always initiating contact but she’s twisted that completely I think so they can justify to themselves saying ‘well we don’t see or speak to coldhardtruth as she doesn’t want to be contacted’ 😞

Why did your Mum think that you saying you "weren't going to do the chasing" meant that you didn't want to be contacted? That's really odd. It means the total opposite! You do want to be contacted, by them, at a reasonable level that demonstrates they think of you.

I'm sorry that all three of them have let you down. Do you have other family members or friends that are more supportive?

Im really sorry, it does hurt like hell , like pp said I've had similar from family. Sod them all.

You’re well out of it

There had been a shared WA group (I’ve since left) but it was obvious I was always starting conversations and it had gone days and days and I’d been quite unwell and it was silent. DM had called for a lift and I’d said I was unwell and said how unless I start a conversation I don’t hear from anyone and she told me ‘well you didn’t ask how everyone was?’ And I told her that phones work both ways and how I was going to stop being the one starting conversations

Jesus! They sound awful, I'm so sorry OP. I really cannot understand what makes people, in this case a whole family, think it's okay to act like this?!

I think I was just really useful for lifts and childcare and shopping etc

I feel bad for my dc too as DM has said how she’s too busy to ever see them as she’s having to pick up where I left off with childcare for dsis and sil

Jesus, poor you - she can't resist having a little dig, can she?

Sod them all, @Coldhardtruth - they know where you are if they want to make amends.

I’m sorry OP, this sounds really hurtful and you sound like a nice caring person.

Do you have a relationship with your sister or sister in law independently of the rest of the family ? I mean, if you aren’t helping out or looking after their kids or communicating through your mum, do (did) you chat with them about life in general / go out / keep in touch ? Your relationship with them sounds very transactional rather than based on mutual liking each other. Maybe take the time you were spending on them and spend it on your friends instead ?

When families are like that, it is very hard not to blame yourself. But you did nothing wrong, and there was nothing you could change. I have a family like that and I regret every feeling I wasted on them. What I finally understood is--they think their feelings are extremely important. Like their feelings of "But I want sister to baby-sit.'" and 'I don't like sister's sweater and it's really important she knows that." and "I don't feel like wasting my time helping out sister." Your feelings? They are nothing. You might as well beat your fists on a glass wall and shout. They can't hear you and wouldn't listen if they could. Meanwhile, I'll bet there are tons of other people who would and do love love you for who you are. You already started the process of turning away from these monsters. Keep going!

I went through this with my sister. Best decision I made was to just go no contact in the end. I told her why but she couldn't understand it and there was a big argument. Nearly a year later I've let go of the hurt and anger as it was eating away at me constantly and I feel much better about it.
I'm sorry you are going through this OP, but it is time to just let them fade into the background of your life. If they want to make an effort let them. My sister certainly didn't.

How did ' I'm not chasing any one anymore' turn in to 'ok ill tell every one not to contact you'.

Thanks really nasty.

Fuck them

I’m sorry too OP. It must really hurt. I would feel sad too. I think your mum’s behaviour is manipulative. Please don’t feel guilty or silly. You are a good and kind person. Use your energy for yourself and your DC.

Well I felt I got on really well with everyone but looking back actually I feel like I was making huge efforts and it was always me arranging things, me being there for childcare whenever needed. As soon as I wasn’t able to it was like I was just surplus to requirements and I think I assumed I was cared about but there’s been no concern whatsoever. It’s just really hit me

I have this with my family op, you aren't alone.

I used to proudly tell everyone what a big family I had and how close we were (4 older half siblings from DM's first husband). We had Sunday/Xmas dinner and holidays as a family, and because of the age gap I saw my nieces/nephews as siblings. But it slowly dawned on me that as soon as I became an adult it all stopped unless I instigated it.

I had only been included because I came as a package with mum when I was a child. Then I'd either be told of a planned holiday/meal on times/dates they knew I couldn't do, usually presented as a fact I couldn't come before they even asked. Or I just wouldn't get an invite at all and would only know when I saw pictures on social media. When we did meet any 'family' stories seemed to completely forget I was there, they'd talk about how all the nieces/nephews were like siblings and then after mum would say something they'd go 'Oh of course and Guiltycat was there too. How did I forget that?'

The one I did find amusing was that the one photo left up of me at my eldest sisters house was hung up...in the tiny downstairs 'guest' toilet. But the rest of the extended family are up everywhere.

If anything it would have been less hurtful if they hadn't bothered to pretend they ever saw me as a sister/ relative during my childhood. Many 'happy' childhood memories now cause pain.

I just don't bother with any of them anymore. Except my poor DM who does call often and try to get me involved bless her, but I don't like that it stresses her so don't say how I feel, just decline the invites.

When DM passes we have plans to emigrate so doubt I'll ever see them after that.

They sound absolutely horrible and your "D"M should be ashamed of herself although I doubt she will be.

All I can suggest is making sure you take care of yourself and your own family as an absolute priority and don't ever get sucked back in to the toxicity at a time when they might find you useful. Spend the time saved building up strong, mutually supportive friendships.

Bloody hell OP. That sounds really rough.

That's going to take some coming to terms with. I hurt for you just reading that.

Nothing I can say really - I'd strongly recommend you getting some therapy to kinda go through this with you. Help you heal your scars.

Massive hugs. Focus on your kids and your friends.

oh @Guiltycat I am appalled about the photo in the toilet. I would not want anyone in my life who did that.

Oh that must be so hurtful @Coldhardtruth
and @Guiltycat

I'm wondering how long it will be before they need your help with something, and contact you.