They don’t care about me do they ? It’s just hit me

[Coldhardtruth]

I used to be very present with my family - always giving lifts to DM and DSIS and SIL. Dropping off shopping, helping with childcare, I’d arrange meeting up or cafes or spa days but I had this feeling how it was always me arranging or initiating contact unless they wanted something then they’d call. I pushed it to the back of my mind I think ?

A couple of times I needed support / help but they weren’t available which is fine I understood. One of the occasions dsis actually said ‘sorry I’m away on a weekend with the girls !’ So obviously I thought oh she’s 4 hours away! Till the next day when my teenager told me they’d seen her the day before in our local town ??? I asked dm who told me ‘well you shouldn’t be asking favours’ but I felt sad she had lied to me ?

like a doormat I let that go as well and a few months ago I was unwell. I couldn’t help others anymore. Nobody asked how I was and some days I couldn’t even text and I realised the silence. Nobody ever text me ? I text when I felt ok and did get a response but very short replies. I explained to my dm I wasn’t well and had been in hospital etc

I feel that I’m no use to anyone now but I’ve seen on fb they’d met up a few times so I deleted my account as it was upsetting not to even be invited. Not even asked how I am.
I said to DM how I felt and that I wasn’t going to be chasing them anymore she said she would let everyone know then that I didn’t want to be contacted. And that’s it ? It’s been a month and nothing.

I was used wasn’t I and they just don’t care. I feel so hurt I know the relationships weren’t ‘real’ if I was doing all the chasing and helping etc and as soon as I couldn’t I get dropped but it really hurts

Completely relate - you've stepped out of your assigned role haven't you and they don't like it. Have the same with a relative, we had an argument well I reacted to something awful / gaslighting that was said. First time ever I have reacted angrily, three weeks ago now and I've texted to make sure they are ok (as elderly) but get short answers back and no enquiries about me or my daughter. But when I've reflected it's not actually any different than usual just that I have stopped ringing and going round, and they only get in touch when they want something. It's very sad. Perhaps though examine why you did those things and didn't notice for ages it was two way , no doubt you are nice but was there an element of people pleasing, Ie you think you need to do stuff to be liked. That only struck me as your mum isn't nice and that made me think is she always like that and you try and please her. If not, and I am wide of the mark please ignore!

Sending sympathy and best wishes.

I'm minimal contact with my Mum and sister. I just couldn't keep shouldering the rejection - they went on holidays together, see each other daily, work together as Mum gave her half her business, live in each others pockets. I dont see Mum from one month to the next, and she lives 6 miles away. The jewel in the crown was Mum missing my 50th birthday and choosing to go on holiday with my sister........ apparently she'd been "pushed" into it

It was incredibly liberating to just say "enough" to myself, and prioritise my own family (DH and our DC). Once you've just accepted you've got a crap family, and it will never be what you want it to be, it's actually OK. I've shed so many tears over the years but will never shed any more over either of them.

DM has said how she’s too busy to ever see them as she’s having to pick up where I left off with childcare for dsis and sil

That is so fucked up.

How likely is it when your sister & SIL don't need your mum they (&the kids?) will dump her?

Take a deep breath and blow it out slowly. As you blow out, realise you're freeing yourself from the bad feelings they create. You're freeing yourself of going out of your way doing favours for ungrateful cheekyfuckers. You're escaping having to carry the burden of being the grunt who has to run around after everyone else.

And then shout FUCK YOU. You're no longer tied. What benefit did they bring to you? You helped them but they never helped you. They never even enquired about you. Because you're only mattering when you're of use to them. Have you actually lost anything? Is your babysitter gone? Your shopping partner? (and I don't mean you providing THEM with transport to the shops) Have you lost a shoulder to cry on? A confidant you can talk to and they show concern or try to help? No. You haven't.

But they now have.

What type of mother was she to you when you were a child?

I have a very similar family, I invited myself on a family holiday once (didn't realise that's what I was doing though as it was ... well.... a family holiday?) Everyone else was going, parents, siblings and spouses, nieces and nephews. It became painfully obvious that I was not welcome (I was excluded from most of the outings). That was my lightbulb moment tbh, although I still took a while to back off completely. I was only valuable for what I could do, and they didn't like me for me. And maybe that's okay. I worked out that I couldn't continue to give practical or financial support when I got nothing in return so it just meant slowly but surely I saw them less and less. I don't think I am missed at all! It used to bother me, but not anymore. I'm just wondering what took me so long to see what was always right there.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP, in my experience it will get easier, I found that if I took the resources I used to spend on my extended family (which were extensive - lots of propping up with money and babysitting like yourself) and put them to good use in my own family it made things easier!

It's hard when you value family to realise this is your own extended family, but there are lots of ways to find meaning in your life, and like it a pp said it can be helpful to reflect on how this happened in the first place.

And I'm just taking my own advice now. I'm stopping contacting my family. Or trying to. I NEVER get contacted by them. My phone doesn't ring.

I need to stop trying to have a relationship with DSis and DM. I actually think they talk about me behind my back quite a bit because they'll let stuff slip.

As with @Guiltycat above, my Mum purposely hides family events from me until it's too late for me to be able to attend, or organises them for when she knows I'm unavailable. I don't drink. I get on with the family just great. I'm married to a lovely man everyone likes and have three delightful kids. I don't have extreme views, I'm not racist or homophobic. I've never done drugs, I have a decent job and owe no money.

My gran was turning 80 and mum was heading to see her. I said, "I'll come with you. I'm ready now"
Mum said "Oh you don't need to bother. Just leave it, love. It's only a quick pop in to say hello. Two minutes tops. No one is coming. The residential home/gran probably wouldn't like a lot of people in."

And then the SM pictures went up. Mum and her 4 siblings, all their husbands and wives. Every single one of my 8 cousins plus their partners and children. My sister and BIL. The entire family was there. Some travelling from 8 hours away. Huge cake. Even a "war time" singer was performing. And a professional photographer took the photos.

Mum never said a thing until I asked WTF? She'd told family I couldn't make it when they'd asked where I was. She shrugged it off to me saying it wasn't actually a big thing. The aunts and uncles just happened to pop by. She didn't know it was happening. I didn't miss anything. I wouldn't have liked it etc. and then got all mad because I was apparently harassing her about it and what did I expect her to do? It wasn't her fault blah blah blah.

Gran died soon after and I still haven't been able to look at the party photos past the initial huge group shot of nearly 30 members of my own family with only me, DH and our kids missing. Family did not know mum hadn't informed me so wasn't their fault. She had essentially declined the invite on my behalf.

Me too. Hurt me more than anything else,

you’re right, they don’t care. And I know that’s hard to swallow, but the sooner you accept this, knowing that it’s THEM with the issue, not you, you will be able to make peace.

I don’t know why our families can hurt us so much, but they can. The only way is to leave them to it. They won’t ever change, or face up to what they’re doing to you, if you stay in their lives, you’re just allowing them to hurt you again and again.

im so sorry, it’s really crap

She clearly favoured dsis I learnt at a very young age that there was a hierarchy and that if I wanted things to be ok I had to accept it and dsis although younger would boss me around.
pushing against that dynamic led to me being denied things. I think I fell into a people pleasing trap so young it became normal when it’s far from normal.
DM always wanted me to help a lot with dsis too i was babysitting her when I was 8/9 and getting her to sleep at night etc

It's weird that your mum told everybody not to contact you. That wasn't what you were thing her.

I would try to cultivate relationships with the individual members of yr family in a way that doesn't go through your mother.

I suspect yr mum stays in by generating drama and or excluding you.

Even if you aren't going to help people who aren't helping you don't announce it manifesto style.

Ring one of your siblings before things get weird and say how's things?

Dont play in to any narrative that you asked not to be contacted

This is so awful I’m so sorry 😞

It's weird that your mum told everybody not to contact you.

It's an effective way of cutting Op off from everyone isn't it?

When your family is toxic make some good friends. Put them before your family. Hopefully they will reciprocate your friendship and value you.

I just want to send kindness to everyone here 💐I’ve been reading about mothers like this for a decade now, in books, on forums. It’s not you.

@Guiltycat , @MugginsOverEre , just a thought. Why do you think you're sidelined and excluded? Is it because you're worthless, embarrassing, inadequate, less than which is what this treatment makes you feel like?

NO, NO, NO!

It's because you have something the excluders don't have and are green with envy about. So they keep you out of the way. It's a way to keep you in your place and down.

Secure, happy people don't indulge in this toxic crap. Passive aggressive bullies do. They know what they're doing and they hang together in groups like mean girls. There's usually a ring leader that controls information too, as you've discovered with your mothers. Triangulation is their weapon of choice.

It's taken me years to realise this. Direct communication between parties is a very effective method to take the wind out of their sails. That, and keep being you because you will never feel as bad as they do underneath 😉

Awful op. Not nice behaviour. Family can be nasty. I found this year I suit myself even with kids stuff lifts for kids. You wouldnt get calls otherwise. What I could do for them. It never what they can do for us lol

It's shit. there's no getting around that. But take this opportunity to free yourself of them and devote the time and energy you now have to yourself and building your own life. Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Flourish without them OP. 💐

Muggins, why am I completely unsurprised that you sound as if you are surrounded by nice people who love you.

@Dacquoise I know what it's about. She's a narcissist and it's a control thing. She has zero awareness that she's in the wrong. That it's not about her. I often think that if I was to fall in the street, she would chastise me for embarrassing her. Or she'd ask something like, "How do you think it makes ME feel to see you on the floor?" And when she actually knows she's done wrong, it's not admitted to but it's certainly why I'm pushed away. She took £20K of loans using my name as guarantor (years ago I agreed as was coerced as I was young and naive. She had the funds or at least the ability to raise the funds to repay it) and simply didn't pay them back. I was responsible. She pretended to be me to the debt company and made false promises to pay it back. It wasn't until they tracked me down for real for defaulting on agreements made falsely did I find I even owed anything. Thank god for it becoming statute barred.

I always believe that the debt she refuses to acknowledge as her fault is one of the main reasons for separating me from family events. Maybe it's shame. Or denial. I don't know.

This is grim reading. Really shows the truth of 'you can pick your friends but not your family.'
I have often felt, out of sight and out of mind. It was hours after my mum died before anybody thought to phone me. Dad, db, dsis and bil all phoned each other and made their ways to the hospital to say their goodbyes. I stopped trying so hard after that.

You mention dc @Coldhardtruth does this mean you have your very own family? You sound so lovely and caring. Your pain and hurt leap off the page. I hope you can find some peace knowing you did your very best and your birth family do not deserve you. It is just all so sad.

I think with the increase of general selfishness within society, sadly stories like yours are not uncommon..