DH unhappy

[Thaimoon]

DH and I have been married for 6 years- together for 11.

We have one dd who is 2.

This year we have moved house, and then been unlucky with illness- covid a couple of times, other normal viruses that come with having a toddler about, and then more recently I became unwell with a chest infection, followed by appendicitis!

Because of all this - I have been feeling mega run down for what feels like forever. I work part time, for the nhs. Work is stressful, then on my days off I am dealing with a very strong willed two year old!

By the time she's in bed I have ZERO energy remaining. I just feel like I have nothing left to give in terms of decent conversation, physical affection, sex.

I've been aware for some time that this isn't great for our relationship but as DH has not mentioned it been burying my head in the sand a bit. We have had date nights in this time, but I admit I've felt so shattered on them that they haven't been that much fun.

Anyway, last night DH said he has been feeling a bit unhappy. Misses me/us. A bit deprived of affection, conversation and my time. We haven't laughed together properly for so long. We haven't had sex in weeks. I know he is right and it is not great- and I do worry that eventually could push us apart. He says he is not going anywhere and loves me.

But how do I get energy to work on us when I feel like I have nothing left?? The 'energy' I have in the day for dd already feels like running on fumes- gathered out of nowhere for her sake.

I don't want our marriage to suffer but I don't know how to improve things when I feel like crap 😢 please help.

How much house/child does he do when he’s not at work ?

I was going to ask the same as the previous poster. Is there a fair distribution of chores, parenting, free time?

50:50 with me I would say.
He is very hands on with dd and good at taking turns with cooking/chores
Probably more than me when I've been unwell

Just keep talking.

It's nothing unusual.

When we had a new born and a 2 yr old we put one to bed each and inevitably fell asleep with the children separately every night for months, months and months.

But we knew it wasn't going to be forever and it wasn't. It's just what most families, relationships go through with small kids.

Could a family member look after DD for a night ( or two) while you and DH go away, or just have time at home together ?

You need to push your relationship up the priority list, leave some energy for him.

If I were you and you have a bit of spare cash, I'd book a weekend away in a hotel. Nice hotel if you can swing it, Travelodge if that's what's in budget. Spend the weekend completely chilling and recuperating while DH handles DD.

Task #1 needs to be getting your health back on track. You need rest and space. Are you taking any vitamins? How's your diet? Do you take vitamin D? You should, in winter.

Probably more than me when I've been unwell

Well, you’ve been really unwell. This should be a definitely more than me when I’ve been unwell. It’s fine for him to feel this way - understandable, of course - but he needs to be part of the solution, not just lay it on your doorstep.

Work out with him how you can get more rest and recuperation. Maybe that’s him doing some more, plus organising some extra childcare/cleaner/whatever. Get him to accept these things take time.

Do you have any friends or family that could have DD for a day/evening to give you two time on your own?

Do actually do any fun things as a family out of the house? I assume DD doesn't go to nursery on your day off? Is that possible so you get time to recharge?

Misses me/us. A bit deprived of affection, conversation and my time. ... He says he is not going anywhere and loves me.

At least he misses you and is not going anywhere! Just sharing his sadness with you.

Try not to panic! Rather than worry about how you're going to manage a big date night with all the sparkle in it, perhaps aim for little gestures that show you're thinking of him even though your energies are poured into childcare.

Just keep talking. That's attention. That's what people want, attention, caring, kindness. I'm sure cuddling and sex wouldn't go amiss but focused attention is better. He sounds like a good guy, communicate what you have said here.

OP this is so normal in every marriage. Almost every couple with young children goes through this. From first-hand experience, please just keep talking, don't let resentment build up.

Explain to your DH that you're absolutely drained and have no energy to spare. Men can so quickly feel 'neglected' when really the solution is simple - they need to realise you're not super-human and that you need building up too.

He can and should take initiative to help you out - both practically around the house, with DC and life admin (don't underestimate the weight of 'mental load'). And in terms of supporting you emotionally, building you up and making you feel special. Not just like a worker and mum.

He sounds a bit self absorbed, to be laying extra pressure on right now. You've had a lot going on, and recovering from surgery is really draining. If he's supportive, then great but he also needs to acknowledge that you need building up to full strength again. I'd try some good multivitamins - I swear by Floradix and I also take a high dose vitamin C every day on top.

I'd let him know that you heard what he's saying, that you equally miss having quality time together and that you just need to get back to your best form. Having preschool kids is really demanding both physically and mentally - it does get easier.

Thank you all so very much for your replies and for taking the time.

It has made me feel so much better already.

You are all so wise. ❤️

I think what you are going through is totally normal, particularly considering the stress and ill health you have suffered. It also sounds like he's not threatening you or attempting to manipulate you but is communicating that he's unhappy.

Personally, I think acknowledging that you know and understand why it's not great for him is helpful. Make sure he knows that you don't want to be like this either but you just feel so run down and exhausted. Promise to try.

And then do try. But be realistic. It's unlikely you're going to be swinging from the chandelier in "sexy time" any time soon! . But perhaps commit to watching a movie together on the couch with a glass of wine or bowl of popcorn. For me and DH, I needed him to actually come to bed with me occasionally. Not for sex, but just because otherwise we had no physical contact.

Also, try cut yourselves from slack. What can you cut out that is stressing you out and/or taking up too much energy?

No he doesn't sound self absorbed. He's doing what you should do in a healthy relationship - talking about his feelings without condemnation and hopefully looking for solutions.

Ok - so he wants to get laid.
At least he's being honest.
Might be better to try and talk about it at least, before it festers.

You need a babysitter! Do you have parents/grandparents/siblings who can take your DD for a night? Or even for a day out? To give you and DH some child-free time together.

You need a babysitter and a night out.

From what you're describing, it doesn't sound like you two don't love each other or that he isn't helping out enough or any of the usual issues, so that's good. It's pretty normal to be completely out of energy and not prioritise your relationship, so don't feel bad.

It's good your husband has told you how he feels, and that he won't leave you. Listen to his needs, even if just small changes. Maybe don't aim to spend a full evening together chatting and laughing if that's too much for you, but try to have say 10 - 15 mins each day where that time is spent together alone focusing on each other. That might be much more manageable than entire evening. Something to connect you each day.

A random idea that I've seen a couple doing recently (their situation sounds similar to yours) is that they intentionally hold each others' hand every day for a few mins, even if just at home with the kids or whatever. I know it might sound silly, but sometimes small things can make a difference.

Having kids definitely changes relationships. I know for me and my DH we don't spend the same amount of time alone together like we used to, mostly because I'm absolutely exhausted same as yourself. I used to not have energy to talk to him at all and just want to get into bed as soon as our toddler was in bed, but I slowly realised that if I don't work on my relationship then there might not be one eventually. Our schedules meant that I was often having dinner at 6pm with the little one, and he would be eating alone at 8pm. I made the decision to just wait to have dinner at 8pm with him 2 - 3 nights a week. Just that extra 30 mins - 1 hour eating and chatting or watching tv together every few days made such a difference to be honest. It also meant that most nights of the week I was still able to get into bed early, so it was a good compromise for us. It just took a little bit of effort on my part I guess.

I'd also say it's really normal to be honest. We've been married 10 years and have two DC aged 3 and 6 and it's really hard. We both work full time, have limited support and haven't had a single night away together since our eldest was born. Our eldest in particular has always been a shit sleeper!

I'd echo pp, keep talking and do what you can to show affection. Doesn't have to be massive things, cups of tea, picking up something you know the other will like at the supermarket, trying to give each other some down time by taking your DD out, lie ins, I think the small stuff really matters.

If you can't do things in the evening easily (we've always found that tricky), try and do lunch or breakfast together occasionally as it's easier to get childcare during the day. Are you a member of a gym with a crèche? Can you both take a day off work to spend time together? We try and do a pizza, film and wine night on a Friday.

I think during this phase you both have to dig in, try and work together as a team as much as possible, try and help each other out where you can and know that it does change. You kind of have to find different ways of getting that feeling of "togetherness" when you have young DC.

Sorry you've had such a rough ride health wise, I hope you're on the up and catch a break!

This all sounds very normal. Juggling work and children is hard. But you need to make time for each other. Do you have a friend/parent/relative/baby sitter who could regularly babysit?

You need to push your relationship up the priority list, leave some energy for him.

@Oopsiedaisyy I'm not sure if you

'Wanting to get laid' is quite a loaded way to describe someone missing intimacy with their partner, when its not even how its been described.

One thing that might help you focus your understandably limited time and energy in the most impactful places is to work out his love languages, if you don’t already know.

One of mind is gifts, so DH bringing me home a chocolate bar makes me feel loved (also easy to do!). Whereas DH values quality time and physical affection, so I focus my energies there.

The hand holding is a good idea, I’m going to borrow that one!