Husband is always defensive

[Forgoodnesssakemeagain]

This is just one thing but I feel no matter what I just get a defensive answer and it’s really getting me down or am I being too sensitive?
my husband was trying to tell me about some dates he needs to check with me in the diary I was confused as to how many dates he meant etc and so asked questions And said I was confused.
for some reason whenever I ask questions he gets really off with me, patronises me, says I don’t need to know etc.
I don’t understand why he can’t simply answer the question?
he hates to get any criticism and is defensive so
much it’s draining

Could he be hiding something or being defensive to scare you off getting too much detail about the dates? “You don’t need to know?” What?” My antennae would go up right away.
His attack is the best form of his defence.

Sounds like he is using it as a deflection to scare you off from asking any further questions. My ex used to do it often and turns out he was cheating on me hence raised his voice or asked me why I needed to know to deflect from answering

So he thinks he is big important male you small stupid female.

How do these grunts get married?

Very odd reaction to a reasonable request- if he is confused I would send him a spreadsheet with a list of dates

I very much doubt he is hiding anything and this happens to lots of other questions I ask generally. It’s like I’m questioning him rather than asking a question . Does that make sense?

My brother is like this and he's an incredibly anxious person who pretends he's composed and everyone else is anxious !

I think my dh has underlying anxiety poss asd so could be this as above?

You clearly don't need to know, or are entitled to know.

Ok, that's sorted that, you have been told.

He clearly now should be treated as someone you don't need to take into account., no consideration or care is required on your part.

No sex
No washing, ironing, putting his shit away
No cooking, cleaning up after him
No help with his life admin
No sorting shit out with inlaws
No conversations
No friendship.

Grey rock and tell him you will not stick arround to be treated and talked to in this contemptuous and disrespetful manner.

Remember , he wants this, to keep you out of his buisness and life, so shall it be.
Mind your own buisness, divorce him and find someone who wants to actually share their life with you instead of just using you.

Op my husband is the same but yet if he asks me anything I just naturally answer.

when I ask him anything he says he feels I’m accusing him of something even if it’s just something really generic like have you made DDs lunch for school. He replies in an off way that no he hasn’t and he will do it in his own time and then makes me feel like I am asking something unreasonable. It’s very annoying to me. I actually get quite anxious if I need to ask him a basic question!

Yes this! Why do you think your dh does this?

F

Yes complete sense.

I had one of those that was so charming but extremely busy, what I thought was tiredness, defensiveness over rediculously minor questions. Always perfect excuses that made sense and could be backed up, even double backed up, the best alibi's.
Thought it was a lack of confidence, a defensive nature, easily intimidated, small lies to avoid telling actual truths that never seemed so bad they couldn't be revealed.
Lying for no reason, but there is always a reason.

Just general confusion, never for one moment thought that much of this behaviour was premeditated or thought out, his acting the victim, the put upon loyal h.

He was a covert narc, who was basically a mastermind in presenting himself as someone he was not.

Confusion is the warning signal.
I was had, and I don't consider myself to be particularly niave.

God he was good.

My ex used this as a tool of abuse. To make me feel really stupid and simple minded.

He would explain something to me really badly. On purpose. Speak too fast, blurring words together, no pauses.

Like when I asked him to explain what what happening with the finances, I ran two businesses but somehow managed to make feel so stupid about what our finances were doing. He would use this technique to keep me from knowing what was in my own bank account. When I said I didn't understand and he was speaking too fast, he would ridicule me, say he didn't have time to keep explaining something so simple and I'd give up.

For years he did this to me and kept me believing we were always on the breadline and I had to keep working harder.

He was hoarding money because he was worried I was going to leave him. He controlled me through financial abuse. Kept me working all hours and exhausted.

The way he spoke to me made me feel stupid. So yes, it is a tool of abuse.

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain i really don’t know and it’s like I should be the good little wife and be grateful for any information he shares with me. To be honest sometimes I just think it’s not worth the hassle/argument to ask anything and just don’t bother, especially if the children are around 🙁

This.

These are not men you want to be inna long term relationship with.

They grind you down and ruin your mental health.

Treat him with a similar disdain as you think long and hard about your future.

@ViolinPin wise words.

"Confusion is a warning signal".

So true, in any relationship.

Sorry op, I don't mean to sound dramatic but the defensiveness just sets off warning signals to me.

The defensiveness is so they don't have to lie, they would rather shut you down by making you feel akward, unreasonable, jealous or any other feeling they use to shut you and the conversation down, they will also use the threat of anger, anger itself, silent treatment and stonewalling.

So why.
They deflect, they act defensive and then use lies, if the defensiveness doesn't work.

Because a small white lie, is to cover a small lie, a small lie covers up a medium lie, a medium lie is used to cover a major lie, and the major lies can cover up huge, life deceiving lies that you would not believe in a million years of them.

It can all add up to a great web of interlinked untruths, a grand illusion, and it all begins with confusion and the questioning of behaviour that seems to make no sense.
The taking offence of such minor things that to normal people take for granted, their fear of being accused for the most minor of things.

Only many years later did it make sense and even years after we separated I was finding out things that I never knew, minor things, major things, things he didn't need to conceal from me but he did, I clearly 'didn't need to know'
But it all started with this seemingly illogical behaviour.

Covert narc, I hope yours is not like this but maybe it gives you an insight as to why they sometimes can act so irrationally and be offended by such minor questions.

If you have to ask yourself "this makes no sense" then there will be an answer somewhere, there always is.
His comments "you don't need to know" which you found patronising is quite telling.

Fucking love this!!!

Kept me working all hours and exhausted

Yes this serves many purposes...

So you are being well used and are useful

And you are too tired to notice their behaviour

Common tactic for pulling the wool over someone's eyes, keep them occupied !

Why did you marry this insufferable prick? Life is too short to be treated like this.

My STBXH is like this. As beachloving said you start thinking twice before you ask even a basic question.

My therapist hit the nail on the head when she said he treats me like a child - he does not treat me as his equal, therefore he should always be allowed to do what he wants without me having any say in it. I was constantly told I should just trust him and that I was offending him by my lack of trust. * *Expert level at turning the tables. Once I realised I was not in a marriage of equals, I decided to leave.

Therapist also thought he had narcissistic traits.

Also I’m not sure how to approach and think about this..
he often only sees things through his eyes only. It’s fine if he thinks different to me as I know we are all different but when I ask for something for example he may not do it or disagree and I when I comment he says “but I didn’t think that.” “ why can’t I have my opinion?” And it makes me look controlling when I am not.
a really simple example was me asking him to put the pushchair in the boot and he said no. I had to argue with him and his answer was “ why do we have to do what you want. I don’t think we need it as it’s not going to rain”
I was like but that’s fine if you don’t think we need it but im just asking you to pop it in.
it’s exhausting

He will continue to do this abusive behaviour to you. Such men do not change and this is who he is.

You have a choice re him; your child does not.

There is no approaching this with him as he knows full well what he is doing here and does not give a fig for either his child or you. He does not act like this with work colleagues or with people in the outside world. It is for you solely (and in turn your child) this abuse is directed at. The man cannot even be bothered to put the pushchair in the boot because he had decreed it was not going to rain.

This is also not a role model of a relationship you want to show your child going forward.

But from his point of view why should my point always be the right one? Who gets to decide if the pushchair goes in or not? Why should it be my point of view and not his?
I just feel surely this shouldn’t even be a discussion? Surely I could just say this and my dh just put it in the car, even if he thinks it’s unnecessary…

He says why can’t when he says no o don’t think we need it simply say ok and leave it.
so we but heads as I can’t understand why he won’t just do what I have asked and he can’t either