Husband is always defensive

[Forgoodnesssakemeagain]

This is just one thing but I feel no matter what I just get a defensive answer and it’s really getting me down or am I being too sensitive?
my husband was trying to tell me about some dates he needs to check with me in the diary I was confused as to how many dates he meant etc and so asked questions And said I was confused.
for some reason whenever I ask questions he gets really off with me, patronises me, says I don’t need to know etc.
I don’t understand why he can’t simply answer the question?
he hates to get any criticism and is defensive so
much it’s draining

My husband has ADHD is very similar to this, he gets defensive when I ask questions. If I tell him to do something he won't do it, will go in depth over the smallest things. It is very draining at times.

It makes perfect sense.

You - Did you buy some milk?

Him - How was I supposed to know we needed any, it's not my fault we've run out, you should have asked me to get some and you didn't, so don't go blaming me because there's none left.

That kind of thing, do you mean?

My ds has adhd so I have wondered this to be honest

Yes although he may not go into the much explanation but that’s the sort of thing! And all I am doing is asking.. not accusing

I understand, every action needs to be explained to as to why you require a desired action or product (my h would argue over who got to choose items or preferences for the house) it's not actually about the actual action it's about winning.
Winning the discussion

This comment suggests you are capable of reason, why should you get your way without discussion.

I'd suggest next time be clear what you want and if the excuse comes back as to why they won't help, then just return that back.

"Could you help me put the pushchair in the boot" ?

'Why do you need pushchair in boot, it will not rain etc"

" Ok thank you, you will not help me"

The first request was for help, he should have just said no I will not help you, that is his actual response wrapped up in an excuse.

This type of exchange is the prolonging of you thinking he is reasonable and unselfish, when in fact he is selfish and doesn't think he should have to do anything for you.

A transactional marriage, which sounds un balanced.

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain my husband also has ADHD and he's exactly as you describe. Can't be a coincidence. I can't ask him anything at all ever. And if i do need help i run the request over in my head to see how it sounds and anticipate his response... and then i don't bother because it's not worth the argument. And he's so pedantic. "Can you carry the laundry basket upstairs please?". And he'll reply "well of course i physically can but are you telling me to carry it up?". And then he's passed off because I'm ordering him around.

Yesterday i asked him to put some santa presents up high in the wardrobe and because that was (in his eyes) a demand, he came up with a list of other places they could go instead. Easier for me to just bring a kitchen chair upstairs and do it myself.

He listens to loud music all day everyday at the weekend to the point we can’t really chat. If i ask him to turn it down he interprets that as a criticism and an argument ensues.

I am a happy, easy going sunny natured person and i feel so sad and baffled as to how I've ended up with someone so difficult.