Do you ever do anything together?

[DoggieMum81]

So I’m speeding into my 40’s and probably letting the ‘aware of life running away’ get to me. I appreciate as a working mum life is pressured, no fairy tales or frilly linings, but all that aside I’m really conscious of the other half and his ‘own’ lifestyle…. See his ‘mates’ daily, like 7 days a week daily. Goes out for work meals with them, experience days, over the years many weekend city breaks abroad, yet there seems to be very little of ‘us’ memories. Things have been really rocky recently and I changed my internet search from ‘is my marriage over’ to ‘how to save my marriage.’ This was really helpful and helped me instigate and guide some really productive conversations between us, and it felt like we were getting somewhere. I felt like I was falling in love and respecting him again. It was good. Until yesterday….. given less than 48hrs notice that he’s going away with the lads for the night to a concert?!?? I’ve inwardly lost it! I feel bad that first thoughts aren’t ‘go and have a great time’ when we do nothing like that. I suggest these things and it’s a ‘we should save money’ response, or let’s save it for a better time? I’m asking myself if he’s been making an effort recently because it’s faked on the build up of this coming and he didn’t want to tell me because he’d rather have 2 days of moodiness rather than 2 weeks? I prioritise him at every spare moment I have (when kids are with their dad), I don’t go away with friends or even spent evenings with them because I want him to feel prioritised, yet I don’t feel like that is returned? Am I being unrealistic in my expectations of a marriage? I feel like I’m only good for venting, cleaning, washing, cooking, doing DIY, gardening and decorating, bringing a second income to the table and looking presentable when it suits. Yet having fun, making memories seems to be off the cards? I don’t want to lose our home but at the same time I’m not getting any younger, I yearn for certain basic aspects of a partnership outside of a financial and practical one. How do women do it for 40+ years? Is it sacrifice, or am I in the wrong place?

There's nothing wrong with going out with friends sometimes but imo he should be going out (and definitely away for weekends etc) with you more. Me and my husband definitely do more stuff together than with our friends

He is living as if you don't have kids - do you have kids with him or is he stepfather to yours?

Has it always been like this?

What happens if you decide to have a night out with friends/trip away etc without him?

How long has he lived with you, and how long has he been in his stepchildren lives?

We do most of the stuff together as a couple and with our child, maybe 10-15% of our leisure time is spent separately. Different couples have different dynamics - this works for us, but I can imagine having a different breakdown with a different person. Nothing wrong with either of you spending time with your friends/doing hobbies without your partner. However, if he spends all or most of the family leisure time on his own, do you get the same amount of time to spend as you see fit? And yes, I would have a problem with not spending time together as a couple as well.

I go out with friends/family but honestly, I'd rather go out with DH, as he would with me, so time together is prioritised. When we had young children we either used to go out as a family, very occasionally get a babysitter, or one of us would go out while the other stayed home with the kids.

I never counted up who went out most, but it was probably me due to book group, cinema club and monthly meet up with friends.

You need to have as much time to socialise without the children as your DH does, but more importantly, your DH needs to step up as a married family man and prioritise you and your children rather than have the social life of a single man.

8 years, coming up 9. In a way yes, but early on it was difficult for me as the children were younger and the responsibility of their dad was questionable, so they spent daytimes with him but no overnights for a while. This of course impacted our ability to go away, but there weren’t many evenings out. I just put it down to exhaustion or time to ourselves at home, but maybe I’ve been making excuses without realising the truth??

We do nothing together!! We even watch TV in different rooms!

I think you need a balance and it doesn't sound as though you have that. DH and I go out at least a couple of times a month and away together a few times a year. We both also socialise with our own friends.

What does he say if you suggest spending time together? Are your kids old enough to stay at home on an evening so you can both go out together?

That's a bit :(

Life is busy but we manage to do plenty together, both as a family and as a couple.

I agree, it sounds as though he is living like he has no children. That wouldn’t be an acceptable scenario for me, that’s not partnership.

We don’t do much together nowadays. Doesn’t bother me. He won’t change now at this age. Clearly his mates trump you when it comes to fun. Only you can change your own life if you are not happy with the current one.

We do most things together although this yr I've been on holiday back home for 2 weeks, 2 weekends away with the girls and I've got a works ball soon. Dp is busy with his kids and renovating the home atm so his personal social life has taken a bit of a backseat.

Dh and I sit have dinner together child free a couple of evenings a week. Usually in front of a show we are both into. Then we may have a game or two of cards afterwards.

We each have a night out without one another once a month or so (sometimes more, sometimes less), but daytimes (when off work) we spend the time together with the kids usually.

Sounds. To me he likes having a wife and kids at home, but also wants the lifestyle of a single man, which he expects you to facilitate.

You've a few choices

Leave the status quo as is
Stop prioritising him, start to forge ahead with your own fun with your friends
Suggest counciling and try to repair the damage
Leave

We've always done lots together. When the girls were little I spent a lot of time working away so we spent most weekends doing things with the girls.
He's always said he married me to spend time with me. We do have time apart but mostly together. Both retired so even more time together.

I was reading your post OP and thought what an absolutely terrible partner & father, but then I realised the children aren't actually his.

However it does sound like he would rather spend time with his friends. I've been with my partner for 4 years and he has a DSD who's 8. When she is over I do plan things to do such as see friends/family and think that's quite normal in a 'blended' family set-up. That being said, we do spend at least one of the weekend days doing something all together. It's all about balance and if he isn't meeting your needs, there's your answer.

It doesn't sound like there's any balance. If he's seeing his friends 7 days a week, it sounds like the compromising is on your part.

DH and I do approximately 70 per cent of activities (stuff out the house - we spend a lot of time on our own stuff in the house) together, 30 per cent with friends or family.

I am sorry op but is living a single life with you bolted on as mother/housekeeper with occasional sex.

There is not a chance I would put up with this!
Not a chance.
it’s not a relationship - you are not actually doing anything together. He is enjoying the stability and carefree life whilst you do the grunt work.

LTB and do it soon.

Suggested marriage guidance - apparently we don’t need it, I have thought of making my own life/fun with others but then that makes me think what do we have other than a house and bills? I don’t know? Feel like I’m in a hole and wondering if this is just normal stuff, are my expectations ridiculous? We watch tv together sometimes, occasionally go to the supermarket and a dinner out here and there 🙈🤷🏻‍♀️

What’s ‘LTB’?x

Nah your expectations aren't too high at all. What's the point in a "partner" if you don't do things together and enjoy each others company? It sounds like his idea of what a partner is and yours are very different. I wouldn't be happy in your situation either, it's not what i would want from a relationship anyway.

If he says you don't need marriage counseling, do you tell him that in your opinion you do because you are not happy in the relationship the way it is? if he's not bothered that you're not happy that's a big problem

Leave the bastard

Start going out yourself, go to concerts and nights out with friends. See how he likes not being your priority. He is behaving like a single man. It's unfair and you should spend time together doing nice things (we generally do things as a family but have young kids and no babysitter) so nights out are not really an option often. DH goes out sometimes with his friends or work nights and I do the same.

Why on earth is he seeing friends 7 days a week!?

It’s a down the pub sort of thing on the daily, spends an hour there to ‘wind down after work’, then there’s the ‘so and so needs help with something’ which is all lovely and thoughtful but I’m have a ME moment, fed up of wondering where exactly I got in….