Do you ever do anything together?

[DoggieMum81]

So I’m speeding into my 40’s and probably letting the ‘aware of life running away’ get to me. I appreciate as a working mum life is pressured, no fairy tales or frilly linings, but all that aside I’m really conscious of the other half and his ‘own’ lifestyle…. See his ‘mates’ daily, like 7 days a week daily. Goes out for work meals with them, experience days, over the years many weekend city breaks abroad, yet there seems to be very little of ‘us’ memories. Things have been really rocky recently and I changed my internet search from ‘is my marriage over’ to ‘how to save my marriage.’ This was really helpful and helped me instigate and guide some really productive conversations between us, and it felt like we were getting somewhere. I felt like I was falling in love and respecting him again. It was good. Until yesterday….. given less than 48hrs notice that he’s going away with the lads for the night to a concert?!?? I’ve inwardly lost it! I feel bad that first thoughts aren’t ‘go and have a great time’ when we do nothing like that. I suggest these things and it’s a ‘we should save money’ response, or let’s save it for a better time? I’m asking myself if he’s been making an effort recently because it’s faked on the build up of this coming and he didn’t want to tell me because he’d rather have 2 days of moodiness rather than 2 weeks? I prioritise him at every spare moment I have (when kids are with their dad), I don’t go away with friends or even spent evenings with them because I want him to feel prioritised, yet I don’t feel like that is returned? Am I being unrealistic in my expectations of a marriage? I feel like I’m only good for venting, cleaning, washing, cooking, doing DIY, gardening and decorating, bringing a second income to the table and looking presentable when it suits. Yet having fun, making memories seems to be off the cards? I don’t want to lose our home but at the same time I’m not getting any younger, I yearn for certain basic aspects of a partnership outside of a financial and practical one. How do women do it for 40+ years? Is it sacrifice, or am I in the wrong place?

Your right. I need to just bite the bullet and let go, do my own thing. Be trying to avoid this as I don’t want him to feel left out the way I do, but all this rubbish I read about isn’t working - make someone feel safe, secure, loved. It’s not doing me ANY favours….

How do you feel about that?x

But if he is out 7 days a week how can you even priorities him ? He isn't there. Go out and have fun without him. Bet he will hate it because at the moment he has you right where he needs you.

Why would you even stay with a man that cares so little about your life/needs?

💙 thanks. I should probably insist on counselling and see what transpires x

We are married over 30 years and while some things are not perfect we do enjoy doing things together: lunch/ coffee out , cinema, walks, holidays etc. We both meet friends too but we are always planning stuff to do together. I do go away with friends a few times a year and dh doesn't but he is perfectly fine with that as l am more of a social person.
He is over the top heading off so regularly with mates while leaving you at home. I would definitely want him to go on holidays with me.
But the worst thing is going to the pub every evening..no way..l couldn't accept that. He might even have a drink problem as really that is not conducive to a happy relationship.

Drinking every evening can't be good, surely?

Yeah you are possibly correct, and I’ve facilitated it with the reasoning that he’s back by 7pm, they aren’t his kids and it gives me time to get all the ‘jobs’ done in a few hours. I’ve helped create this. I’m kicking myself for letting my friendships slip, building a life I can’t maintain solely. There’s so many strong comments, and it’s great, but I think I’ve been too naive here in truth.

Ah, that makes sense now 🙈

The expression “Batchelor with benefits” comes to mind.
Just think of just one thing you can start doing on your own. Nothing too drastic. Build from that. It will give you the confidence to reach out to a world of your own not involving him.
He’s taking you for granted so if you build up a life which doesn’t involve him you’ll be in a better place if you decide enough is enough.
I’m a fine one to talk but I’m working on it!

Different things suit different couples - but some (agreed upon) level of mutual effort at being a couple is usually necessary. If he's not willing to change, it doesn't sound great.

We don't have kids at home any more and we make an effort to do some fun things together every week. Not set in stone, but we aim for an outing (Saturday or Sunday all day or afternoon, go somewhere interesting), an evening out (often the cinema) and a walk (eg a weekday lunchtime, probably local with a cafe visit too) every week. Otherwise it's all too easy to never do anything together, or just be doing our own (separate) thing in the house all the time.

I think it is healthy for couples to have their own social lives and things going on. However, it sounds like you guys don't have a balance that suits you both.

I have more friends and commitments than my husband. I go out a lot without him. However, this suits us as he understands my need to see other people and socialise as it keeps me nourished. He doesn't feel that need and is a bit of a home bird.

There have been times he's spoken to me and said it feels like I'm over extending myself to the detriment of our time together (with our son as well). It's not been deliberate and I've reigned it in.

The key there though is that we communicate about it and take each others thoughts in to consideration. Without that, it would be a significant problem in our relationship.

We don't really do stuff separately unless I am taking the kids out with another mum and her kids.

We go for dinner regularly and on weekend breaks.

Mostly tho we spend time at home working on the farm, building our house or just chilling together. We make a good team - he knows what he is doing and I just do what I'm told 😂

Sounds like you're single parenting already. What do you get from your relationship vs what he gets from it? If you've asked for more time together and he won't give it to you that is a problem. Compromise goes both ways, and one partner being selfish and one sided means it will never work without one partner being unhappy.

💙

Thank you x

Thank you x

Well if he were the father of your children I'd suggest ways to find out if this is salvageable. But seeing as he isn't, is there actually any point to this marriage?

I ask myself the same question, however the kids have a stable home. Whilst we don’t do anything together, or have any fun between the two of us, there is no conflict that the kids see. We work well on a financial and investment basis, and have materially achieved a lot. One child is of gcse age and I’m mindful of disturbing that.

I don't really get the point of being with someone if you don't do anything together.

Do the kids have a close relationship with your DH?

One of them yes, the other not so much but values the stability if that makes sense

Have you spoken to him about this properly?

Unfortunately for some men being ' one of the lads ' is the foundation of their lifestyle and identity. This could revolve around anything from persistent golfing, nights/ weekends away to drinking at the pub and it can be impossible to change, even with an amazing wife and kids at home. It's not uncommon and it's usually there to see before getting married, but often there is an expectation that these men will change once they have a home, a mortgage, a wife and kids. In reality the man you marry won't change much and those behaviours will create frustration and disappointment. Choice is either to accept that is who he is, or not put up with it and call it a day. You could be waiting a long time with mutual resentment taking over if you try to force him to change.