Wedding when you don't get on with MIL

[eyope]

DP and I are both mid 30s and want to get married next year. We are trying to decide on the best way to do it as his mother and brothers are very socially awkward, don't like me (MIL has never liked any gf) and he can't see them getting on with anyone else either. Neither of us has big families, but we do have quite a few friends. Wedding guests be 30-35 people max.

I've been married before, he doesn't like being the centre of attention, so eloping (know that's not the right term but can't think how to describe it) seems a good option. I'm an only child so we'd have my parents as witnesses.

I would also like to have a party afterwards for our friends, but am now worried that means we'd have to invite his family. As I don't think having an elopement with my parents and then a party with our friends, and not inviting his mum and brothers to either would be ok. But I can't see either of us enjoying the day with the tension they would cause if they did come. It's for this reason we don't think we can invite his dad, step mum and dad's side of the family, even though we get on well.

Just to say he is close to his mum and loves her - she's just always been very dismissive of our relationship and pretends like I don't exist. She's only met me once in the 3 years we've been together, despite living in the same city, so we have no relationship. Which suits me fine! He's not super close to his brothers but they live with his mum and adopt her stance on things. I realise the easiest way to avoid all this is to just not do a party, but it feels unfair to deprive ourselves because of his mum/brothers.

So has anyone ever gotten married or know of weddings/events where the bride did not get on with the groom's family - how did that go? And is it ever ok to have a wedding celebration without key members of a family?

What does your partner say? Is he suggesting any solution given that it seems his family are the biggest stumbling block.

If it were me I would:

• elope without either sets of family (it's not fair on your partner for your parents to come but not his)
• have a friends only party when you get back
• plus have a small celebration dinner inviting whichever family members you and partner decide will behave / will come / you can bear

We went to vegas just us and had dinners/party celebrations with small groups after hence no mingling of the awkward ones. Perfect for us, but not everyone. My parents would have loved to be there but understood. His will never understand but it’s done now.

Not quite the same but my husbands dad has mental and physical health issues which make him socially awkward and mean I have only met him a couple times.

We did a legal ceremony with him and another person as witnesses and then did a separate lovely personal ceremony with a celebrant with my family, his mum and step dad and about 25 other guests and a party afterwards.

It’s was a nightmare and my In-laws ruined the wedding. Mil sat crying her eyes out with sunglasses on and wouldn’t eat her food. Bil ignored us both at our own wedding, Fil said something really derogatory about me when Ex was talking about me in the speech. Mil and bil had a huge argument with ex because they could see he was trying to have a nice time

I was depressed for about six months afterwards and it was the start of the end of our marriage. I’ve never spoke to mil or bil since but ex started speaking to them pretty soon as he didn’t want to be ostracised from the family as we were not being invited to weddings, birthdays ect because of the fall out.

the irony of it is I actually made friends with mil before the wedding as I was made to feel guilty about being NC with her and she wanted to come.

Well she certainly got her own back.

You are NOT obligated to have ANYONE at your wedding who doesn’t support the marriage and want to be able to support it.

So has anyone ever gotten married or know of weddings/events where the bride did not get on with the groom's family - how did that go? And is it ever ok to have a wedding celebration without key members of a family?

We get on ok with each other's in-laws. But we chose not to invite any members of either family our wedding. We had a quiet registry wedding with two couples of good friends, one of each couple being our witnesses. You don't have to invite family to your wedding.

Just to add - may not be appropriate for you as the issue with us was more his dads anxiety and we didn’t want my husband to have to spend the whole of the wedding day looking after him. This way we made everyone feel special but our proper wedding day was really relaxed but we had got the legal ceremony done separately.

We just agreed to ignore any poor behaviour from them on the day. MIL threw a tantrum and caused a scene but it was all ignored by us and I’d also warned my family and friends to ignore it too. Normally we would have got wrapped up in being angry or dealing with the negativity so it was a useful lesson for us dealing with them going forward. I wanted my parents there, and having mine and not his just seemed like too much of a ‘statement’ to make, so putting up with his was worth it to have mine there.

Do what you want with your friends, family and his Dad's family. Don't invite MIL etc.

The world doesn't evolve around them. If they kick off DH can say he understands that they don't agree with this relationship, it's fine, you wouldn't want to make them feel uncomfortable by expecting them to join the celebrations. All in a calm neutral 'caring' not snarky tone.

Doesn't sound as though relationship with them could get any worse anyway, so what have you got to lose.

Could your partner ask them, without you, if they would like to go to your wedding; and if they are going to be nice to you?- and if they say they would love to be involved, it might open the dialect up a bit?
Hope you find a solution and have a lovely day 😊

His solution is just elopement with my parents. Their attending isn't negotiable as they live in another continent so I hardly get to see them, I'm an only child and they get on well with DP. I do not want to deprive them of this happy occasion because of his mum and brothers tbh. They already miss out on so much of my life living so far away.

He thinks the party will be the sticking point and best to not have it. But it feels so unfair that just a few family members influence these decisions. Even a small celebration dinner with family wouldn't work because his mum doesn't get on with his dad's wife either. So that would be more awkward in a small setting.

Am actually thinking this may be the best option. I know for sure I could ignore them, and in a party environment, they could ignore me too.

DP is more stressed out about it than I am, I guess it hits differently if they're your family. He has had to deal with their negativity about our relationship and getting married (they tried to talk him out of it!) a lot more than I have. He's protected me from it so I do feel obliged to do what's most comfortable for him. While being so cross on his behalf that they can't just be happy for us.

Your fiance is key here when it comes to his mother. Any and all inertia he has when it comes to her hurts him as much as you. Is he as close to his mother as you think he is. He may well love her but her actions towards him are certainly not loving. She probably wants your fiance around to basically look after her; that is one of his roles in her eyes.

What Hollyhocksarenotmessy wrote here. You do not have to invite any of your man's family. They likely would not attend and if they did they would go all out to ruin it. Have the day you both want and invite the people you want along to the post wedding party too. Do not let toxic relations dictate how you run your lives; best to start how you mean to go on. You do not have a relationship with them anyway and you owe these people nothing.

Do read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward.

This is my nightmare, I'm so sorry.

My close friend had similar with MIL. Her DH showed up late to the wedding because MIL had a meltdown in the car on the way there and had to be talked down. Sat in a sulk throughout, didn't raise her glass at toasts. We did all just ignore her but I know it upset my friend. Before the wedding she gave my friend a present of nutty chocolates knowing she has a serious nut allergy!! So we were prepared for her to behave poorly.

She did apologise some time after the wedding and make more effort with my friend, but the relationship has never fully recovered.

That memory is why elopement was my only option!

Three damaging legacies that such toxic people leave their now adult children like your fiance is fear, obligation and guilt. She installed those buttons in him in childhood.

It could be argued that no, he has not protected you from them and has basically used you as some form of buffer. You of your own accord decided to have no relationship with them. He remains torn between them and you. At the very least the two of you now need to present a united front when it comes to his toxic family members.

Will he consider seeing a therapist re his dysfunctional family; I would urge him to consider seeing such a person. At the very least he should read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and have a look at Dr Ramani on Youtube.

This is exactly it, I would’ve happily not had them there I didn’t think they deserved an invite
but that would have repercussions on him after. And I think part of him hoped on the day they would just be reasonable people, and I think he didn’t want to miss that opportunity.
don’t get me wrong, I made it sound simple but there was a definitely element of sadness, and I felt protective over him, you know why are PIL trying to ruin his wedding day. And they were rude to us both on several occasions. But they aren’t going to change so ignore and accept and try to keep them away from you.
I considered having people run interference but then I thought that was making them a priority of our wedding day and feeding into their drama so I didn’t in the end. But us agreeing to just let them be and ignore them was genuinely the best decision we could have made for us.

He needs to talk to his mother. Tell her you are getting married and ask if she wants to be part of it. She might not want to if she dislikes you that much.

If she does I would probably get married where your parents are - excellent excuse not to invite her. And then have your party afterwards. I'd invite her and dad/step mum but then I don't agree with cutting out nice family members because horrid ones will be nasty. I'd have a minder set up for her - pay for security to do it if need be, a wedding planner will have heard it all before and know what to do - and if he doesn't want to don't invite the brothers.

Alternatively I think you can just do the friends party, why not - they are relatives not friends. I would also try and do something even if this means a third event with his dad's family. Don't cut out the only family he has that include you.

It's not his fault nor yours that his mother and siblings are the ways they are; you both did not make them that way.

His family are never going to be happy for you so I would live well and without their influence on either of you in any way, shape or form.

What sort of relationship does he envisage having with his mother and brothers going forward?. It is not possible to have a relationship with family who are this disordered of thinking and he needs to lower the current level of contact he has with them.

Two weddings - a register office and meal afterward with his family and a separate event party with friends and a vow repeat.

As I don't think having an elopement with my parents and then a party with our friends, and not inviting his mum and brothers to either would be ok.

Of course it's ok.
Have your low-key wedding, & don't tell his family.
They don't need to know whether you have a marriage certificate or not.
Then have your party, & don't tell them about it.

Would your fiance be on board with that?

FWIW I’ve been to a few weddings where either the bride or groom despises the in laws and vice versa, some weddings I’ve been to they haven’t spoken for months beforehand
the majority just act overly lovely on the wedding day, lots of hugs, speeches about how happy they are, and genuinely seem like they’re all happy families, because the in laws know it makes them look bad to be rude to the bride or groom on their wedding day. So that’s always a possibility. I knew that wouldn’t be my in laws but it could be yours.

I don’t think either you or your fiancé should be so worried about offending his family when they are behaving so awfully towards you.

Elope, with your parents. Have a party later, fiancé tells his family that they are invited if they make steps in advance to welcome you to their family.

As our relationship has progressed, he realised she is just unreasonable and not going to change. So doesn't see her very frequently and when he does, he goes alone as she never invites me anyway. She definitely doesn't have any impact or influence on our daily lives. We don't have kids, but she is not particularly interested in children anyway, so I don't worry she'll want to be a part of their lives (if we do have them).

The only concern of mine used to be how she would hit him up for money frequently - but he is good at turning her down now especially when he realised she uses it as a form of control rather than needing it. These were all worries of mine when we got together but he's been good at establishing boundaries so I don't worry about her anymore. Other than this damn wedding!!

His solution is just elopement with my parents

This. Do this, and then throw a lovely relaxed party when you get back for friends, you could get a celebrant to attend for vows, and a special dinner with his Dad and family that you do get on with. They will understand, they know her antics very well! She hasn't earned her place in your new family.

Sitting next to exMIL on the top table was one of the most awkard times of my life, xMIL, xFIL and xBIL put a dark cloud on the whole day, there were no scenes as such, but every time I turned around I saw one of their stony faces, and xBIL speech was cold to say the least. They just weren't my people! XH wouldn't have gone ahead with anything without them present as he was brainwashed, and I didn't want to do my family out of the experience because of them. A portent of things to come!

Do the elopement with your parents, organise the party for after with your friends and other loved ones.

Have DP tell his family that weddings are for people to celebrate the couple, it isn't his birthday party, they are invited but should only attend if they are going to behave with civility and grace towards you both and your marriage. Have people prepared to remove them if they don't and warn them of this beforehand.

Mt DH has a cousin who had to do that l. Her now husband had begged his mum not to play up but there was some nonsense in the church ceremony then she was very rude to the bride at the beginning of the reception. The bride had pre warned her bridesmaids and uncles (my FIL being one of them), gave them the signal and MIL was quietly asked to leave. She ignored this so she was escorted out. I knew it was happening because FIL went off from where we were talking to do it but I doubt any other guests did, the MIL wasn't going to start making noise and drawing attention to the fact she was being kicked out her own son's wedding she seemed so embarrassed.

My MIL is a pain in the ass but I never considered not inviting her. She said she wasn't coming but she showed up on the day. She tried to cause a scene but we all just ignored her and she was fine after that.