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Original poster

Wedding when you don't get on with MIL

38 replies

eyope · 02/11/2022 08:37

DP and I are both mid 30s and want to get married next year. We are trying to decide on the best way to do it as his mother and brothers are very socially awkward, don't like me (MIL has never liked any gf) and he can't see them getting on with anyone else either. Neither of us has big families, but we do have quite a few friends. Wedding guests be 30-35 people max.

I've been married before, he doesn't like being the centre of attention, so eloping (know that's not the right term but can't think how to describe it) seems a good option. I'm an only child so we'd have my parents as witnesses.

I would also like to have a party afterwards for our friends, but am now worried that means we'd have to invite his family. As I don't think having an elopement with my parents and then a party with our friends, and not inviting his mum and brothers to either would be ok. But I can't see either of us enjoying the day with the tension they would cause if they did come. It's for this reason we don't think we can invite his dad, step mum and dad's side of the family, even though we get on well.

Just to say he is close to his mum and loves her - she's just always been very dismissive of our relationship and pretends like I don't exist. She's only met me once in the 3 years we've been together, despite living in the same city, so we have no relationship. Which suits me fine! He's not super close to his brothers but they live with his mum and adopt her stance on things. I realise the easiest way to avoid all this is to just not do a party, but it feels unfair to deprive ourselves because of his mum/brothers.

So has anyone ever gotten married or know of weddings/events where the bride did not get on with the groom's family - how did that go? And is it ever ok to have a wedding celebration without key members of a family?

OP posts:

SquishyGloopyBum · 02/11/2022 10:32

She's made her feelings clear.

Have the wedding you both want. With your parents and his dad and step mum plus friends.

Don't invite her. Don't keep it a secret either. This is a consequence of her behaviour towards you.

It seems unfair to exclude his dad if he's close.

His mum can just deal with it.

Bookworm20 · 02/11/2022 11:42

SettingPrecedents · 02/11/2022 10:13

I don’t think either you or your fiancé should be so worried about offending his family when they are behaving so awfully towards you.

Elope, with your parents. Have a party later, fiancé tells his family that they are invited if they make steps in advance to welcome you to their family.

This.

It sounds like there is no effort on their part to welcome you and include you as part of their family. So if there is no effort being made, just don't invite them.

If it comes up that you had a party, your DP can just say he didn't invite them because they openly appear to dislike you and he wasn't prepared to have anyone there who despised his new wife and would make her uncomfortable, family or not.

Toomanysleepycats · 02/11/2022 11:52

Could you have a small dinner with just your parents after the wedding, then wait a couple of weeks and have a “not a wedding” party”for just friends.

Shortbread49 · 02/11/2022 12:31

Do your wedding day your way and ignore them as they don’t care . It took me years to get married as I was scared of my parents behaviour as I saw their reaction to my brothers wedding. On the day I did what I wanted they came and behaved themselves but didn’t manage to say anything nice to me on the day x

TheArtfulStodger · 02/11/2022 12:43

I'm divorced now, but I got married young and we had not one single family member come, because that seemed the only fair way to be able to not invite my dad.

Daisychainsx · 02/11/2022 12:59

By the sounds of it there's a chance that MIL etc won't even come, so I'd carry on with the elopement plans with your parents and then have a party after. Send them an invite to the party and then you've done all you can do.

MIL doesn't need to know who was at the ceremony, and if it ever came up you could just say having your dad walk you down the aisle was the most important detail for you and it was non negotiable. None of her business, end of story.

Or, just run away the 2 of you and get married. The drama will only sour the occasion. If your parents live on a different continent go get married there and have a holiday and visit your folks while you're there!

gogohmm · 02/11/2022 13:15

Would they actually cause a scene or would they just be awkward, bit of a difference.

I would consider having the party but if you are doing tables, go for the table for two option rather than long bridal party table. I would ensure that any obvious points for complaints are sorted eg ensuring there's food options they like, they have a table set aside for them (if the tables aren't allocated) and then just rise above any moaning. With enough other people you won't notice them

JustLyra · 02/11/2022 13:20

Go for your elopement.

Have the party - make it a big party as that’ll be easier to stay away from your MIL and for your FIL to avoid her.

If I was your DP id be making clear to her that any trouble or nastiness at the party would be the end of the relationship with her.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 02/11/2022 13:21

We had a very very small registry office wedding. Fil attended. Mil wasn't invited! Then just a meal back at our home

SwordToFlamethrower · 02/11/2022 13:25

I was very relieved to elope. We were having a very small wedding anyway due to cost and location. Only 30 guests including us! So we told mil that we would only be inviting her and not her on again off again boyfriend. She hit the roof saying we had to right to exclude him.

So many people went off like this, totally selfish and showing their true colours!

Eloping was the best decision ever.

Ginger1982 · 02/11/2022 13:32

I would elope to wherever your parents live. Make it out like it was a holiday to visit them and you happened to get married. Then have a party for friends and those family that you want there when you get home.

jannier · 02/11/2022 13:35

Oh needs to put his big boy pants on as I don't think it's fair on his dad to miss out either. If I were him I'd say...I know you love me and are scared of loosing me but if you don't accept my fiance you will be missing out on our wedding, any family we have and our future. I want you at our wedding but if you feel seeing dad and being at the day means you can't put a smile on your face and be happy for us you need to decline now as the days happening in the way we want with or without you.

Littlebird43 · 02/11/2022 14:10

Sounds a lot like my MIL - she had a meltdown before our wedding and behaved terribly at my BIL's wedding. This included sending emails to SIL's lovely family saying how she wished her son wasn't marrying their daughter. Then sulked and stared at her phone all the way through proceedings. We all wish we had never invited her.

Can you have a lovely elopement, a small evening meal(s) or similar for the difficult parts of the family, followed by a fantastic party with your friends?

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