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Original poster

I have no friends and my husband doesn't love me

26 replies

Victoria029 · 02/11/2022 07:41

I'm a bad person. I messed up my life with a (non-sexual) affair with my friends husband. It's over a year now since my husband found out. We're trying to make things work but he obviously has no trust in me and in April last year he started a sexual relationship with a younger woman. He ended the relationship after a couple of months in an effort to try and make things work for us. We have three children together. A lot of the time things are good for us but he still has major trust issues and I have constant worries about that other girl. I don't want us to break up.

I also have no friends. I lost them all due to the affair.

I'm lonely. I feel lost. I'm uncomfortable living in the area but can't move because of the kids.

I'm feeling hopeless. How do I find new friends?? I don't really have a hobby or the confidence to go out and start a new hobby without someone else with me.

I know I'm a bad person, but I could really do with a friend for support.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 02/11/2022 08:41

You are going to have to find the strength to do things alone.

Start small.

I am going to be brutally honest but if someone I heard of had had an affair with a friend's husband I wouldn't want to be around them. It's time consuming making new friends, usually worth it, but you just wouldn't trust someone who in the past has shown so little respect for a friend's marriage. Not if you were married.

In our area there is a local "women in the area" FB page. Can you look at something like that first? Build up a conversation online perhaps?

Mardyface · 02/11/2022 08:48

I think you could move, depending on the age of the kids. Might be better. I think you are not a bad person. You made a serious error of judgement and hurt people badly but you have inherent worth as a person and I think recognising this is the first step. You can't make friends or be happy if you genuinely think you are not worth it.

I think the first step - if you really can't move house - is to think about what you like DOING. What diverts you and holds your interest and makes you feel like you? Think of a way to spend time doing that and work on yourself a bit.

BaddogGooddoggy · 02/11/2022 09:38

You're not a bad person, you did a bad thing. And you're dealing with a bad situation now.

Forgive yourself. Be your own best friend,

Then Put it behind you and focus on working out what you enjoy doing for you - reading, exercise, crafts? Go online to find like-minded people to make friends with and build up your confidence. Baby steps

Cheminaufaules · 02/11/2022 10:23

What caused you to have the EA in the first place?

disconnecteddrifter · 02/11/2022 18:33

Give it time. Don't be so hard on yourself. We have all made mistakes and yours isn't that bad. At least you have been honest about it and are facing up to it.
You need support. Your husband if he wants to continue your marriage should be giving you it

Whoops12 · 02/11/2022 18:35

You did wrong. It's really good you seem to recognise that but unfortunately, if the affair become public, this is the consequence of that decision.

Moving sounds like a good idea or perhaps joining a different friendship group through gym/hobbies? How old are the kids?

Emmamoo89 · 02/11/2022 18:37

You're not a bad person. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. Learn to forgive yourself and find a hobby

TheWolves · 02/11/2022 18:44

What's a non sexual affair?

LBFseBrom · 02/11/2022 18:49

What Emmamoo said above.

Did you feel sad and lonely when you developed the attachment to the other man? How did your husband (and presumably his wife), find out about it?

You are a flawed human being as we all are. Don't beat yourself up about this, be glad it went no further. I wonder how you feel about your husband having a 'real' affair, albeit brief.

If you can move, which I realise is easier said than done, that might be the way forward; however if you have a deep seated unhappiness you really do need to deal with that, perhaps with help from a counsellor.

Good luck. x

ZekeZeke · 02/11/2022 19:16

When you say non sexual affair. Do you mean you had an emotional affair?

JustKittenAround · 03/11/2022 02:32

Do you love you?

Its the only way.

BabyBunnyMama · 03/11/2022 02:42

I feel for you, you sound like you've made a mistake you regret and you shouldn't have to suffer for the rest of your life because of it.

My local area has a few community pages which show different things going on and local little groups. Our local library and churches has quite a few different things on in the week, which would be a way to meet new people.

How old are your children? Presumably not small? If they are mums and tots groups are great too just for a bit of socialisation. If not, do you work? Could you meet people through work or if you don't would you consider volunteering somewhere?

FlowerArranger · 03/11/2022 02:56

Forget this idea that you are a bad person. The fact that you did a bad thing doesn't make you bad. You can recover from this, but it has to come from within you. No external forces can make it happen for you. You need to find peace with yourself, accept what you did, and move on. Counseling can probably help you.

Having said that, if you can find activities that give you joy, you'll find it much easier to get back on track. Are there any Meetup groups where you live? If so, be brave and explore what's on offer.

Also try exercise. No need to go to the gym as there are many excellent trainers on YouTube. Working out can be very motivating and empowering.

nancydroo · 03/11/2022 02:59

Moving is the only way you're going to shake this off and surely your kids will benefit. A new start is needed so you can stop feeling bad about yourself.

YourJessie · 03/11/2022 03:03

I am convinced that you'll find friends because you're strong and interesting person. Give time to yourself.

FlamingoRoad · 03/11/2022 03:24

Firstly I would forgive yourself for an error of judgement.

Next I would do some work on yourself. You might benefit from counselling to discover why you felt the need to behave that way.

Once you feel better about yourself you can make decisions about your future.

emptythelitterbox · 03/11/2022 05:26

Your DH actually cheated on you during the time you were trying to work things out.
Not sure how he thinks jumping in another woman's bed would help his marriage or was he having a revenge affair?

You can move and I would. Start over. Make some new friends. Forgive yourself.

Whydidimarryhim · 03/11/2022 07:12

Hi OP - you had an emotional affair - your partner was angry - did you talk through why you did this? Next - he has a sexual relationship with another woman AND he’s still angry and doesn’t trust you - sorry he’s a bastard and us treating you badly. It doesn’t sound healthy between you both. Re friends - I’m sorry you are isolated - any local library groups, community centres - local college for 10 weeks shorts courses to develop hobbies or interest?
Any volunteer opportunities in your area? I hope your partner isn’t isolating you?
Do you have access to monies? Does he share the chores at home. Is he nice to you?🌺

lightand · 03/11/2022 07:14

Friends are hard to get and keep for lots of people.

I would be approaching them, begging for forgiveness if I had to.

lightand · 03/11/2022 07:15

He is without sin, cast the first stone and all that.

KangarooKenny · 03/11/2022 07:15

I’d you’re a bad person, he’s worse, having an affair to get back at you. This relationship won’t work in the long run.

lightand · 03/11/2022 07:16

He who is without sin, cast the first stone and all that, that should say.

Watchkeys · 03/11/2022 09:37

Sorry, hang on. You talked to another bloke, non-sexually. Your husband was unfaithful; he had sex with someone else.

How does that make you a 'bad person' without making him a 'bad person'?

And if he's a bad person, why do you want to be married to him so much?

Your judgment of yourself is using a different set of standards, isn't it?

What was your marriage like before you had this 'thing' with the other bloke? Was your husband kind, loving, and respectful towards you? Did he listen to you and understand you? I'm suspecting that all your problems are to do with the fact that you weren't being treated well in the first place, and that, as is clear from your OP, you are quick to negatively judge yourself, rather than to judge yourself and others by an equal metric.

Watchkeys · 03/11/2022 09:41

lightand · 03/11/2022 07:14

Friends are hard to get and keep for lots of people.

I would be approaching them, begging for forgiveness if I had to.

Never beg people for their company. If someone decides you're not worth speaking to, they're not worth speaking to. People who respect you in the first place will be able to see past your misdemeanours, and if they can't, their respect isn't enough to maintain a healthy friendship. Let them go. There are plenty of other humans in the world, and you can spend your time with ones who think you're great, rather than those you have to beg to spend time with you.

Friends are hard to get and keep, yes. But decent, respectful, caring friends don't desert you when you make a mistake.

emptythelitterbox · 03/11/2022 10:20

So much this!
True friends might be shocked or puzzled but they wouldn't abandon.