AIBU to not want to work for my DH

[Fantastique11]

i help my DH with his business. A couple of years ago he got a business partner and made me a proper role in the company as he said I didn’t have enough to focus on at home.
the work has become so much I don’t even have time to workout or spend time doing things I enjoy.
he won’t let me leave this job. Which seems weird. If it was any other job I’d quit. I feel trapped and bullied by him.
help!

Ring womens aid. This is coercive and financial control. 💐

Is he paying you? Sounds like he’s enjoying the free labour. Leave him and his business. You say DH so divorce him and take what you are owed, go and have a nice life.

Forgot to mention I have three kids. One is autistic. We only have a part time nanny Thursday to Saturday.
the job causes me so much stress I can’t sleep sometimes. His partner creates so much work.
many husband created a salary for me but he restricts it and it’s not all mine to spend and like I told him I would be paid more and have less to do in the job i used to do before kids.
yes it feels like he’s always controlling me.

I don’t know, what hours does he work? Is it early days? Are you building the business together so you have a better, more relaxed life in the future. What are the goals?
Can the business survive without you? Ask to be made a proper partner/ owner so you can reap the rewards of your work properly.
Otherwise, find a new job, tell them you are in 3m notice; hand your notice into your husband and let him look for someone else.

Sorry, cross post.. you need to stop working for him definitely.. and then see whether your marriage has legs after that.

Do call Womens Aid and start planning your exit from this abusive marriage with due care and attention.

You are indeed being controlled by him.

It will do your children no favours at all for you to remain in such a marriage.

It does feel controlled. It’s difficult I know to see it clearly as others do from outside. But I feel like I’m trapped. Stuck working in something I don’t enjoy am completely swamped by and never have free time.
then when I raise my hand to say I’ve had enough I’m told no you can’t quit.
i mean … what about my life. My health is suffering. We don’t desperately need the money either. So maybe it’s just a way to control me.

FFS this is ridiculous.
I would start drawing up a clear list of the jobs you do in the role and any other relevant information and pass it to DH so he can find a replacement.
I bet the replacement ends up earning double what you get

Can you provide more detail about what hours you work, what pay you get, what task you do as part of your job,

Why are you allowing him to make this decision exactly ?

He cannot force you to stay working for him.

Simply start applying for other jobs, and give him 'notice' when you're leaving !

He can kick up a fuss and get all 'arsey', but so can you ! Tell him that if he doesn't start listening to you and respecting your decisions, then you'll also stop 'working' at home i.e cooking/cleaning/laundry/shopping etc !

Stand up for yourself, and stop allowing him to decide your life choices.

I agree with PPs, this is controlling and abusive and you should definitely talk to Women's Aid. You'll need a plan to get out, but I wouldn't talk to your OH, as abusers will not admit abuse and it often makes them ramp up the control and the abuse.

I’m literally working from after I drop off the kids until I collect them.
then when they are here I have to do some things and usually after they have dinner I do more. Then my husband will actually say why are you working and it’s because I don’t have enough hours in the daytime. I can’t win.
move worked evenings weekends too. It’s got to a ridiculous point where we recently got an outsourced admin help but even she’s getting bombarded.
Company isn’t new. I was helping for the last 10/11 years but since he has a business partner and it grew it’s become ridiculous. I think he’s also wanting me to stay in this job as it’s a way to extract money from the company.

What everyone said above.
Sadly, you are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out now.
Start planning you "escape".

I told him again today I don’t want to do it and I’m going to quit it and he said
“To say I’ll be disappointed in you is an huge understatement”
he tells me I have to do he will change it for me. I run away from things and I will be leaving something great.
Mira mainly admin. Not great. I am not his child in his wife. Disappointed in me … honestly. He’s a control freak.

Is it a professional business? It sounds like they don't see they need to invest in proper staff and systems. Do you feel "part" of the decision making processes?

It’s a small company with large turnover but as you say the team is too small for it.

This post really worries me....that a salary was created by the partner BUT that your "D"H restricts it and that it isn't yours to spend as you want....that is financial abuse.
Not to mention illegal as an employer.
Does he attempt to justify this is any way?

Does the business partner know he is currently exposed to charges of modern slavery? 12 months in prison and an unlimited fine if memory serves.

that a salary was created by the partner BUT that your "D"H restricts it and that it isn't yours to spend as you want....that is financial abuse.
Not to mention illegal as an employer

Hold your line and I would also tell him that you will brief the partner on your situation and the police if necessary.

What would happen if you simply ... stopped working for your H?

And simply looked for, applied for, & accepted a job elsewhere?

Gosh this is not a good situation. So have you paid into your pension all the time you've been working. How much money is theri in savings in a joint account or is it all in the business now shared with someone else???
If you split up he holds all the reins. Perhaps you should seriously look for a job rather than wait.

then when I raise my hand to say I’ve had enough I’m told no you can’t quit.
"Don't be ridiculous. I quit. Find another mug. I am no longer working for you."

When I say he restricts the money. He says I’m a shopaholic and waste money. He said he has to carefully monitor the spending and if I buy something new the first question he asks is how much was it.
the point is we spent many years saving for a flat then a house then we have more money now and don’t need to be so tight but he’s obsessed about it so I have the salary but it’s not totally free. It’s hard to explain but he does monitor it.

also he said I disturbed his sleep last night and as a result he missed his workout today (he goes every morning mon to fri) as i have had sleep issues lately. I missed Monday and Tuesday due to the work I have to do. I haven’t been for days. He’s very odd very obsessive and controlling.
i actually feel so trapped. He treats me like a child and I feel like one depending on him

I bought the book too good to leave too bad to stay. I just started it. I’m so confused. So trapped. I want to get away I’m sure it’s what I have to do but he tells me I will have nothing.

I bought the book too good to leave too bad to stay. I just started it. I’m so confused. So trapped. I want to get away I’m sure it’s what I have to do but he tells me I will have nothing.

Well done on buying the book, on seriously assessing your marriage, & on reaching out to PP here.

Ask yourself - what good IS there for you in your marriage?
It sounds miserable.
If you left, you would - as a starting point - be awarded half the assets of the marriage. Possibly more, if you (as I am sure you will be) are Resident Parent.
So take not notice of his threat that you would have nothing - except as a warning that he will look to shaft you in a divorce.
So - while you are still involved in the business - document everything you can about the finances. Turnover, profits, assets, shareholdings, pension funds, salaries - everything you can get your hands on. Take this information with you to your first solicitor's appointment. Do NOT allow your H to know that you are doing this.

You need to get practical, & start operating with a cold, clear head.
You need a really good, experienced divorce lawyer who is used to handling divorces between couples who own a business.
This is your chance to set you & your DC up in a new home & start your new lives together, away from this controlling man.
Please be hard-headed, & take it. Get the best lawyer you can.

Do you have access to the account where your salary is paid into?

next work period - set an alarm for 1 hour and use that time to start a position description for your role. then start looking for other jobs.you can choose to do that wiht your time instead of the work for his company. Tell him it’s stress leave from your massively controlling boss, and you will be finding another job. Don’t tell him the salary, don’t have it sent to a shared account.