I've really upset him

[tiredmumma93]

My partner and I have had a tough few months recently due to severe factors- family issues and mental health (on my part).

We get one night a week together where neither of us have to work and that was tonight.
He made lunch and we sat down to watch tv. He had family drama on fb again and sat on his phone for 2.5 hours arguing various points. In the moments he put his phone down I tried to hold his hand or squidge in for a cuddle but he just inched over as soon as his phone went off. I left it, and went for a bath. When I came back after drying my hair, he asked if I had a bath. I replied that he would've known if he took his face out of his phone for two seconds. He got pissed off immediately and left the room. I know my response was unnecessary.

An hour later, I went to see if he was okay. He told me he was still pissed off etc. and a little disagreement started (bit of back and fourth)- I then said that I think he needs to stand back and have a look at his life and why he always thinks people are attacking him and can't just have a conversation. I stupidly bought up his ex and said that it seems to be the same in our relationship than it was with that one.
My meaning- he constantly says he's doing everything he can to make me happy I.e occasional flowers and making me lunch but then whenever a disagreement happens he takes everything to heart and says everyone's blaming him for everything, which isn't the case.
He took it as- you're the reason why that relationship failed and why this one isn't going great.

The thing with the ex is- if we split up his excuse would be parallel as to why they broke up- she didn't appreciate him, he tried to make her happy but she didn't want it etc. and with me that's not true. I try very hard to keep everyone happy, mainly to my own detriment.

He was devastated. Sat there crying, refused to speak with me and explain why I'd caused such a reaction- at this time I didn't know that he'd taken my meaning in the opposite way to what I meant.
He asked me to leave him alone, so I did.

Eventually he briefly spoke to me, which is when I realised how he'd taken it. I tried to explain but he wasn't having any of it.

He spent half the night on the sofa and I tried to sleep in with my DD. Then at 4.30 he moved back to bed.

I feel awful, I've been up all night. I've apologised profusely and tried to explain what I meant but I need to leave him alone now.
I genuinely didn't mean to hurt him and I don't know what to do now.
I've really fucked this one and I don't know if we'll be okay.

Not overly sure what this thread is going to achieve- just don't know where else to funnel this as I don't have anyone to speak too.

God reading this I know exactly how you feel, just bringing up the smallest things causes him to argue or ignore you, then you feel like you cannot say anything!

As hard as it is, give him space today and then try talk to him later! Don't blow his phone up with calls or messages as I have found this makes it loads worse! And they love it - as like the others say, it's a control thing- he will love you begging for his forgiveness.

You haven't done anything wrong, he should of just said oh sorry and that should of been the end of it!

Bringing up his ex, I've made that mistake too- now the argument will no longer be about him being on his phone, he will now think you're bringing up past etc! I've been here, don't fall into his trap of games.

Hope you are ok x

Thank you.
I'd left him a written note this morning saying "I'm sorry. I won't contact you today until you're ready to talk. Love you x"
So he knows I'm not going to contact him.
He'd written "love you too x" with a heart back.

Still unsure what I'm gunna do

Yeah it's so hard cos you want to express how you feel, but then you know the smallest things will be an argument. Crap isn't it!
I don't even know what to suggest, as my partner is like it too! We hardly ever argue but when we do it's hell! Only small things too!
X

That is a tremendous amount of angst over a man you see once a week.
And what strikes me most about it is how much apologising & facilitating & pandering you had to do for a man who ignored you for 2 1/2 hours but got arsey about you having a bath.

Can you genuinely not see how one-sided this all is?
I try very hard to keep everyone happy, mainly to my own detriment.

**

You need to stop analysing why he does what he does, & start prioritising how what he does makes you feel.

You are tying yourself in knots & focusing entirely on HIS (unfounded) upset & ignoring your own. This man has a history of being upset with people. He blames his ex, you, his family ... & feels entitled to make you very unhappy by parading his woe-is-me narrative.

You are dating a deeply dysfunctional man & hurting yourself in the process.
Look at how much apologising you have been doing. Despite doing nothing wrong.
You had a bath. You stated some facts.
He immediately goes into his performative upset routine & has you over a barrel, making sure everything is all about him. I bet he hasn't apologised to YOU has he?

Look at how much apologising you have been doing. Despite doing nothing wrong.
You had a bath.

Nah, she did her hair, he asked if she'd had a bath and she snapped at him for being on his phone too much.

People with issues shouldn't be trying to create new relationships. I don't know how old her daughter is but I suspect OP will be having her own dramas as her daughter grows. Best putting it off till she's older.

He was supposed to be spending time with you and spent it on his phone - 2.5 hours of it.
You got fed up and did something for you and when asked in surprise snapped at him.

You were then made to feel that your response was unnecessary and had to apologise for something very mild which was understandable given you were being ignored.
He sulked for an hour and when you went to see if he was ok it became a bit of an argument and you mentioned his ex in this.
He was then "devastated" and cried.

Turned out he was interpreting things in his way and wouldn't listen to the idea that he may have misinterpreted things (i.e. cannot be in the wrong).

You end up apologising profusely and like other PPs, I'm not sure what for.

This is way too much drama. You should be able to have the odd quarrel without falling out in a relationship.

You say that you have hurt him, but have you really? What did you do to fuck things up? From what I can see it was fairly mild in which case he is making mountains out of molehills so he can have you treading on eggshells around him all the time. He'll have you apologising for existing next.

I see that you have withdrawn from his family dramas as they are constant. He is deeply enmeshed in them and seems to relish the drama. He is unlikely ever to take a step back from them. This situation will repeat over and over.

You say he is constantly doing everything he can to make you happy by buying you things, but he hasn't managed the most basic thing which is to spend time with you. He ignored you for hours and this means he isn't really bothered about making you happy and it's all for show.

Lastly:
The thing with the ex is- if we split up his excuse would be parallel as to why they broke up- she didn't appreciate him, he tried to make her happy but she didn't want it etc. and with me that's not true. I try very hard to keep everyone happy, mainly to my own detriment.

It really doesn't matter what he goes around saying after you have split as you can ignore it. Anyone with any intelligence would see the common denominating factor here - it's him, not you (or her). All you need to do is heave a sigh of relief and don't date another drama llama.

Poor communication skills on both sides by the sound of it. He sounds like a martyr, never to blame, always the victim.

Facebook drama and tears, he sounds like a teenager.

You did nothing wrong except tell him a few home truths.

He sounds very hard work and like he has a victim complex.

You don't seem able to communicate effectively without one being hurt and the other defensive and angry. Maybe try counselling to untangle this and learn better ways of talking

Try reading the post properly

I suppose you shouldn't have brought up his ex, but... I've read all your posts and updates. He sounds like a crap boyfriend. I would ditch him. You can do better.

Sounds a bit like emotional abuse and a massive headache for you

OP your first post includes the words "tried to explain" twice, including this:
I tried to explain but he wasn't having any of it.

You also apologised profusely.

If someone apologised and tried to explain something to me, I'd be delighted that they were making that effort, would accept their apology and feel glad that harmony was restored.

He is choosing to take offence and deliberately misunderstanding you. Why? Because you're like me, a people-pleaser who can't bear to see someone upset, and that makes you easily manipulated by people like him. They make a beeline for people like us, who are anxious and self-doubting and can easily have our thoughts clouded by their antics.

It sounds as though he thrives on drama, whereas you are conflict avoidant. At the very least, this is always going to make for a deeply uncomfortable dynamic. If you stay with him, be prepared for wasting an awful lot of your precious life "trying to explain" and feeling that "I've really upset him."

Offence, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. What you "snapped" about him spending so long on his phone was perfectly reasonable. An adult would have responded by laughing, "True! Sorry" and then given you a long-overdue hug.

As for you telling him he needs to stop taking everything so personally, that was great advice. I doubt he will take it, though, as this would require him to grow up, and it's much easier for him to get his needs met through tantrums and sulks.

Why aren't you really pissed off he spent so much time on FB that evening?

You're the one that should get annoyed.

Why is he airing his dirty family laundry on FB? So pathetic is he 9?