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Original poster

I've really upset him

66 replies

tiredmumma93 · 02/11/2022 06:27

My partner and I have had a tough few months recently due to severe factors- family issues and mental health (on my part).

We get one night a week together where neither of us have to work and that was tonight.
He made lunch and we sat down to watch tv. He had family drama on fb again and sat on his phone for 2.5 hours arguing various points. In the moments he put his phone down I tried to hold his hand or squidge in for a cuddle but he just inched over as soon as his phone went off. I left it, and went for a bath. When I came back after drying my hair, he asked if I had a bath. I replied that he would've known if he took his face out of his phone for two seconds. He got pissed off immediately and left the room. I know my response was unnecessary.

An hour later, I went to see if he was okay. He told me he was still pissed off etc. and a little disagreement started (bit of back and fourth)- I then said that I think he needs to stand back and have a look at his life and why he always thinks people are attacking him and can't just have a conversation. I stupidly bought up his ex and said that it seems to be the same in our relationship than it was with that one.
My meaning- he constantly says he's doing everything he can to make me happy I.e occasional flowers and making me lunch but then whenever a disagreement happens he takes everything to heart and says everyone's blaming him for everything, which isn't the case.
He took it as- you're the reason why that relationship failed and why this one isn't going great.

The thing with the ex is- if we split up his excuse would be parallel as to why they broke up- she didn't appreciate him, he tried to make her happy but she didn't want it etc. and with me that's not true. I try very hard to keep everyone happy, mainly to my own detriment.

He was devastated. Sat there crying, refused to speak with me and explain why I'd caused such a reaction- at this time I didn't know that he'd taken my meaning in the opposite way to what I meant.
He asked me to leave him alone, so I did.

Eventually he briefly spoke to me, which is when I realised how he'd taken it. I tried to explain but he wasn't having any of it.

He spent half the night on the sofa and I tried to sleep in with my DD. Then at 4.30 he moved back to bed.

I feel awful, I've been up all night. I've apologised profusely and tried to explain what I meant but I need to leave him alone now.
I genuinely didn't mean to hurt him and I don't know what to do now.
I've really fucked this one and I don't know if we'll be okay.

Not overly sure what this thread is going to achieve- just don't know where else to funnel this as I don't have anyone to speak too.

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 02/11/2022 07:18

He sounds like a drama lama. And boring.

XmasElf10 · 02/11/2022 07:32

It’s not you…. It’s him!

InternetRandom · 02/11/2022 07:42

Is it your house or a joint one? Though either way I would say he should go somewhere to give you both some space. That may make him think too about his blaming strategy.

Original poster
tiredmumma93 · 02/11/2022 07:46

InternetRandom · 02/11/2022 07:42

Is it your house or a joint one? Though either way I would say he should go somewhere to give you both some space. That may make him think too about his blaming strategy.

My house. He has to go home today anyway so I was going to suggest a bit of space anyway.
I need to think about this properly.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 02/11/2022 07:49

Thank god you aren’t tied to a property or kids with him. Get rid, you’ll life will improve!

carefulcalculator · 02/11/2022 07:49

I agree you need space, this sounds unenjoyable, it must be shit for your DD. You are in a good position if it is your house, just take a break and reassess this one.

Facecream · 02/11/2022 07:54

It never gets better with men like this. Sulking and crying because HE ignored you and you called him out on it.
He is choosing to interpret things as he alleges he does.
Ask yourself this OP.. does he control things using his emotions?
If so.. keep that space an eternal space

EmilyGilmoresSass · 02/11/2022 07:59

tiredmumma93 · 02/11/2022 06:36

No, sorry, I slept with my DD in her room (double bed).

He slept on the sofa and at 4.30 went to our bed.

Show quote history

I'm sorry. I wasn't long awake with 3yo and had yet to have my morning coffee so I read it wrong!

BigFatLiar · 02/11/2022 08:26

So he's having a shit night full of family drama, you nip of t do your hair and when you get back he asks a simple question and you shut him down abruptly. Him going of and being upset is better than him having an argument with you.

So its mumsnet...
Don't support him in his family drama's
Expect him to switch off his family issues when he's with you
Any man who gets emotional after a rough evening is a 'drama llama' get rid, get yourself a real man

Some men do get emotional, some take thigs to heart. If you can't or don't want to take his feelings into account thats fine, he'll soon realise you don't support him
Some posters are saying he was making it all about him, well on this occasion it was about him, shit evening and a snappy response from his partner when he tried to ask a simple question. You may think his family dramas are pathetic but they're obviously important to him you don't have to get involved but at least try and show some sort of empathy.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 02/11/2022 08:30

BigFatLiar · 02/11/2022 08:26

So he's having a shit night full of family drama, you nip of t do your hair and when you get back he asks a simple question and you shut him down abruptly. Him going of and being upset is better than him having an argument with you.

So its mumsnet...
Don't support him in his family drama's
Expect him to switch off his family issues when he's with you
Any man who gets emotional after a rough evening is a 'drama llama' get rid, get yourself a real man

Some men do get emotional, some take thigs to heart. If you can't or don't want to take his feelings into account thats fine, he'll soon realise you don't support him
Some posters are saying he was making it all about him, well on this occasion it was about him, shit evening and a snappy response from his partner when he tried to ask a simple question. You may think his family dramas are pathetic but they're obviously important to him you don't have to get involved but at least try and show some sort of empathy.

Nah, he's a gaslighting dick. OP did fuck all wrong

Arrivederla · 02/11/2022 08:34

BigFatLiar · 02/11/2022 08:26

So he's having a shit night full of family drama, you nip of t do your hair and when you get back he asks a simple question and you shut him down abruptly. Him going of and being upset is better than him having an argument with you.

So its mumsnet...
Don't support him in his family drama's
Expect him to switch off his family issues when he's with you
Any man who gets emotional after a rough evening is a 'drama llama' get rid, get yourself a real man

Some men do get emotional, some take thigs to heart. If you can't or don't want to take his feelings into account thats fine, he'll soon realise you don't support him
Some posters are saying he was making it all about him, well on this occasion it was about him, shit evening and a snappy response from his partner when he tried to ask a simple question. You may think his family dramas are pathetic but they're obviously important to him you don't have to get involved but at least try and show some sort of empathy.

2.5 hours on Facebook having a massive public family row, and then blaming his partner for everything?

No. This is not how a reasonably mature adult conducts themselves.

Original poster
tiredmumma93 · 02/11/2022 08:37

BigFatLiar · 02/11/2022 08:26

So he's having a shit night full of family drama, you nip of t do your hair and when you get back he asks a simple question and you shut him down abruptly. Him going of and being upset is better than him having an argument with you.

So its mumsnet...
Don't support him in his family drama's
Expect him to switch off his family issues when he's with you
Any man who gets emotional after a rough evening is a 'drama llama' get rid, get yourself a real man

Some men do get emotional, some take thigs to heart. If you can't or don't want to take his feelings into account thats fine, he'll soon realise you don't support him
Some posters are saying he was making it all about him, well on this occasion it was about him, shit evening and a snappy response from his partner when he tried to ask a simple question. You may think his family dramas are pathetic but they're obviously important to him you don't have to get involved but at least try and show some sort of empathy.

We've had conversations about him constantly being on his phone when we are meant to be having time together.

We don't get much time together and it's taking its toll on me.

I didn't say his family drama was pathetic. His family drama is constant. There is always something. A few months back his step mother had a breakdown and launched into all of us on Fb when we'd done nothing wrong. Calling us all every name under the sun.
I've had tons of abusive from her and I've kept quiet and kept my dignity because she's struggling off her medication.

All I wanted, long and short of it, was a cuddle. And when I said that to him all I got was eye rolling and muttering under his breath.

I know I shouldn't have said what I said and I have apologised profusely for it.

Neither of us are perfect and he has had his fair share of saying things which I've misunderstood.

OP posts:
tara66 · 02/11/2022 08:41

I agree with previous posts - it's not you - it's him. Regarding the break up of his previous relationship - your comment seems to have tipped him over the edge - like it never seems to have occurred to him he had any responsibility for the break up. So he is perfect in every way and you need to know and reassure him of that all the time? All the family drama is exhausting too. You have one child - you don't need another fully grown one as well. Get rid asap.

CPL593H · 02/11/2022 08:45

There is a difference between a genuine family crisis where a partner needs to be supportive and sitting on FB for hours arguing the toss because of drama. Really serious stuff is not played out online for hours.

I think he reacted as he did because however you may have meant what you said, you hit a nerve around the reasons his last relationship failed. His exes take would be interesting, because I think her complaints may well have been the same as yours.

I would definitely ask for some real space and think about what you want, rather than ways to mollify him.

HappyintheHills · 02/11/2022 09:09

He chooses to take everything as a personal attack because that deflects from you calling out his unacceptable behaviour, in this case spending hours on his phone and ignoring your cuddles.

BaddogGooddoggy · 02/11/2022 09:15

He and his family just sound like a mess. I feel sorry for them but that's easy for me to say as i don't have to deal with the effect - you do. You sound like you've been patient but are reaching the end of your tether.

MingoDringo · 02/11/2022 09:26

You did nothing wrong at all. He's a gaslighting prick.

Sitting there crying. My god.

Crazykatie · 02/11/2022 10:43

Your reaction didn’t help but what really needs to happen is that he leaves his other stresses alone when he is with you, he needs to understand that, otherwise the relationship ,is not going to work

Unfortunately previous relationships often cause problems.

Original poster
tiredmumma93 · 02/11/2022 10:49

BaddogGooddoggy · 02/11/2022 09:15

He and his family just sound like a mess. I feel sorry for them but that's easy for me to say as i don't have to deal with the effect - you do. You sound like you've been patient but are reaching the end of your tether.

I do feel like I'm reaching the end.. feeling very sad and a little guilty

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 02/11/2022 12:00

MingoDringo · 02/11/2022 09:26

You did nothing wrong at all. He's a gaslighting prick.

Sitting there crying. My god.

You're right @MingoDringo, a man sitting crying over the stress and emotion, what a wimp, can't be a real man, real men don't cry.

BigFatLiar · 02/11/2022 12:10

Crazykatie · 02/11/2022 10:43

Your reaction didn’t help but what really needs to happen is that he leaves his other stresses alone when he is with you, he needs to understand that, otherwise the relationship ,is not going to work

Unfortunately previous relationships often cause problems.

Mobiles have a lot to answer for. I'd have been annoyed if he'd been on the phone when he was meant to be with me. Same way I'd put my phone away or switch it off.

Family dramas are a pain, I'm sure lots of those saying he should have ignored it all would be quick to help or respond if their daughter needed them. However his family drama doesn't count.

If its too much just move on.

What do I think OP did wrong, snap at him when she got back from doing her hair and going after him to keep the argument going. If she'd simply said 'no I've just done my hair' it might have been a different evening. If she'd given him space to get a grip on himself they may not have had the flair up.

billy1966 · 02/11/2022 12:11

OP,

I think you have quite rightly come to the end of the road.

His life is drama with an awful family.

Why would you want to be involved with so much drama and have your daughter by extension involved.

Feel no guilt.

Put yourself first.

Move on.

ShadowoftheFall · 02/11/2022 12:13

@crystalize ”a whining, manipulative manchild that is gaslighting you. Crying FFS, what a bellend.”. Hear hear!

OP You can do so much better for yourself and your child.

FictionalCharacter · 02/11/2022 12:17

Paranoia, whining, playing the victim, being so obsessed with Facebook dramas he ignores you.... It's definitely him, not you. This sounds like a very stressful way to live.

Original poster
tiredmumma93 · 02/11/2022 12:54

It's crazy- I came on here thinking I would get flamed... I really appreciate all your comments and will be asking for space and time to think.

OP posts: