I feel I should be as important as football...

[winteryblues]

I've name changed, I am a regular poster but not posted about anything like this before.

My partner and I see one another every couple of weeks. Sometimes more if we take AL but our shift patterns clash and this is what has worked so far. We live in different counties, 2 -3 hours apart.

Partner has just got back into playing football after a long hiatus due to her work pattern clashing with football practice times. Things have changed meaning she can now play on a Sunday.

Previously, when she visited me she'd arrive on a Friday evening and go home on a Sunday afternoon. I like a lie in of a Sunday (we're both mid-forties, no children to worry about now) but she'd often lie in until very late, sometimes mid-afternoon until she had just enough time to get up, shower and leave.

I didn't used to like this, I'd have liked to have spent the day together, gone for a walk, for lunch, hell even just slob around and watch the TV together-something! Before she left but it wasn't a massive big deal.

Anyway since this football thing has come about she'll be up with the lark and leave, often just kissing me goodbye if I'm still dozing or with a swift 'Bye then!' if I am already up.

She used to say of the Sundays spent in bed that she struggled to get up, she's always liked to sleep in, she was just really tired etc and I was understanding about that. Sometimes more so because we were prone to going out for a drink and/or staying up late the night before so I did understand wanting a lie in, but now football is involved she's suddenly a ball of energy and full of it and raring to go?

As we don't' see one another often I just feel a bit upset about this.

I may need some perspective. I've only ever had crappy relationships, I've never felt important or loved or appreciated and I could be skewed in how I am looking at this.

Last weekend she left while I was still asleep although I did stir as she left and sort of remember it. I woke properly shortly afterwards and just felt really bereft and like I was nothing.

I must clarify, this really isn't about the football per se. I knew she missed playing and I was and am really happy for her that she's doing something she loves again, it really isn't that-and Id never ask her to choose me or her hobby.

There are other issues too, but this has been playing on my mind and I would like some outside perspectives on it please.

I may need some perspective. I've only ever had crappy relationships, I've never felt important or loved or appreciated and I could be skewed in how I am looking at this

If you continue to choose and stay with partners who put you low on their priority list, you will continue to have crappy relationships.

Tell her how you feel. If she responds in a way that feels respectful to your feelings, then stay. If she responds in a way that seems disrespectful to your feelings, leave. It's not complicated. Spend your life where you feel loved.

It's up to you to make sure you're happy, not her or anyone else.

Tell her how you feel. If she responds in a way that feels respectful to your feelings, then stay. If she responds in a way that seems disrespectful to your feelings, leave. It's not complicated. Spend your life where you feel loved

That's very true isn't it.

I guess I don't know what to say really. I don't want her to stop being involved in football, I am genuinely happy for her. I guess I could just tell her the truth (so simple!) that I feel a bit let down that she's always lay in until it was time for her to leave, despite having me to spend time with, but once something (supposedly) more interesting was on offer it was suddenly different...

I think the question, really, is why, when you're not happy, is it not your instinct to say so to your partner? This is relevant to your previous relationships too, and your future ones. You've stayed with people who made you unhappy; you could have left as soon as they showed signs of 'being crappy relationships', but you stayed. Why? Why isn't it 'This relationship is crappy, we need to fix it or I'm off'?

I have said things before about other things that have upset me but she says she can't help her behaviour. So I guess if she can't help it, I should either accept it or leave.

If she's not in control of her behaviour, how does she consider herself to be a responsible adult? How do you consider her to be worthy of maintaining a relationship, and taking care of the emotional responsibilities?

She's abdicating control of herself. Unless she has a mental illness, that's pathetic. Does she seriously feel that she 'Can't help' going to football?

We don't know if she has any conditions (she suspects she has autism and anxiety) because she won't go to the GP (is too anxious) or even look into anything at all.

Sorry, I didn't mean specifically about the football-but previous behaviours such as, if I try to talk to her about something that's upset me she'll blank me completely, or if I am ever upset with her specifically she'll storm off and not speak to me. She says these are the sorts of behaviours she cannot help.

Right. So if she won't look into finding a solution, then you need to decide whether you want her as she is: not in charge of her own feelings, to the extent that you're made to feel you don't matter.

Autism and anxiety don't make you go to football at the expense of spending time with your partner.

Do you have good emotional intelligence? You don't sound like you do. But lots of good self help books, book counselling.

I am not sure any longer to be honest. I am a professional woman, more than one degree and a diploma in a form of therapy (trying not to out myself)!

I do need to work on myself, I am realising that. It's essential. She has said that she recognises that she has issues, and if I stay with her she'll try to work on herself but if I leave she won't.

It's a bit difficult to see the solution, if there is one. But I see the problem.

It's the sort of thing I talk to my therapist about. I'm utterly useless at relationships really. If you've thought about therapy, I recommend it.

Having said that, I think her rigidity must be incredibly difficult to be with and refusing to talk is very wearing. The only thing I can think of is perhaps setting it up like a work meeting with a written agenda, and I would actually go into it with an idea of the outcome you want.

Maybe have a look on here at the big threads of those with partners with autism - maybe there's some insights there.

Oh you're a therapist sorry! Can you therap yourself? What would you say to a client who came to you with this issue?

You don't need to 'work on yourself'. You're not broken or faulty. Someone is treating you badly, and you feel bad. That's exactly as it should be.

The thing you need to work on is the company you keep.

if I stay with her she'll try to work on herself but if I leave she won't

She's going to try to work on not going to football? Come on. You must be able to see that this is manipulation? What will happen if you leave and she doesn't work on herself? What will the end result of that be? Why would that be so bad?

She absolutely can change her behaviour if it upsets you but she chooses not to. She also clearly can choose to get up to do something she values but she can’t be bothered if it’s to spend time with you. Doesn’t seem like a good deal to me

Honestly with the best will in the world it was always going to be incredibly difficult to maintain a relationship where you live so far away from eachother and one of you has to spend 6 hours in total in a car/travelling just to grab a few hours where you are probably both exhausted from working all week.

There would only be so long I think u til one of you decided it wasn't worth the hassle amd it Impacted on the ability to do anything else.

I think you probably want to see her more than she wants to see you.

Its not working for you and do you really want to have to spend what little time you have together helping her " work on herself"

I think you both want different things tbh and I'm.not sure this relationship is good for either of you.

This made me smile. I know a lot of therapists and although we are 'looked after' and we won't practice if we're unable or going through things that affect our conduct, we do joke about how crap we are at dealing with our own issues-no matter how greatly our clients praise us! I think I would be encouraging said client to look at why their self-worth is low. Good question!

One thing I am glad of from this thread is people don't seem to be saying that I am acting like I am immature or needy. I did worry that I may be presenting as that when really I could just be like 'Great, a day to myself!'
I've been in similar situations so often.

Not to work on herself to not go to football (as I've said, I don't want to stop her doing that) but to stop treating me badly in other ways, stonewalling me, not allowing me to talk to her about anything that's not lighthearted, generally not wanting any emotional closeness :(

You don't need to 'work on yourself'. You're not broken or faulty. Someone is treating you badly, and you feel bad. That's exactly as it should be. Thankyou. It really is that simple isn't it.

Ugh. Well, I guess another rubbishy relationship under my belt so although 'work on myself' may not have been the right way to put it, I should probably have a look into getting to a point where I don't let this happen again.

@Whatwouldscullydo I hoped we would have moved in together by now but with all the times she's upset me and things have been awful I just didn't want it. I have my own house and a few BTLs, she lives with her sister and was quite willing to relocate but I put anchors on it.

I have to start work shortly but thank you everyone.I was quite reluctant to post but I've got a lot of food for thought there.

Why can't you stay at hers so you can go and watch her play football on Sunday mornings or prepare lunch whilst she plays and you eat together before going home?

LDR's rarely work over a long period of time

I should probably have a look into getting to a point where I don't let this happen again

When someone makes you feel shit, tell them, once, calmly. That's all you need to do. You can gauge whether to stay with them by whether their response is about defending what they did, or caring that you feel shit. That's it. That's all the work you need to do. There's nothing else about yourself you need to change or investigate. There's no work to be done. When someone makes you feel shit, you need to amend your response from 'Why is this happening?' to 'I don;t like this and if it continues, I'm off.'

Don;t get sucked into thinking that you;re unhealthy. You've been keeping unhealthy company. Think about people you get on brilliantly with; people who you have mutual, strong respect with: do you feel like you need to 'work on yourself' with them?

I feel like I'm reading a different thread to most. pp said 'Oh there's nothing wrong with you, you don't need to do anything". I disagree completely. A counsellor? Yet you are completely unaware yourself and seem to have so little self worth and awareness. Shockingly so. I don't get it.

OP stays in shitty relationships. If she stops doing that, what else do you think she needs counselling for? What other faults do you perceive her to have? What else about herself does she need to correct?

I need to be careful how I phrase this. I'm clearly in a totally different place, to all of you!

If I'm honest, I'd say : 'are you serious. The fact you even need to ask is worrying. Who stays in a shitty relationship. No one. No one with a ounce of emotional intelligence. No one with an iota of self worth.

Come on. And you don't think she needs counselling. She needs tonnes. And tonnes.

"OP stays in shitty relationships. If she stops doing that, ....."

But you don't just stop doing that do you? It's not easy. To stop Not that I'd know because I never have been in a bad relationship. But it's common sense isn't it. The reasons why someone allows themselves to even get into a not great relationship are very very complex and often requires deep self-analysis.

Who stays in a shitty relationship. No one. No one with a ounce of emotional intelligence. No one with an iota of self worth

This is nonsense. Many people with high EI and decent self worth stay in shitty relationships. Not being able to select a compatible partner doesn't mean that your EI and self worth are on the floor. It means you struggle with that aspect of EI and self worth. There's a lot of people who have great relationships with friends, work, relatives, money, and have their lives set up just the way they like, except for the 'shitty relationship'.

OP needs to recognise that the best thing to do when you realise you're in a 'shitty relationship' is to leave. Go ahead and advise her to spend £1000s and 100s of hours on 'tonnes of counselling', but essentially, that's the goal of the counselling you recommend: 'Walk away if you're not happy'.

I remember being unhappy in a relationship and trying to do CBT on myself because I was unhappy and thought my thinking was the problem rather than the relationship being the issue.

It’s often much harder to see what is going on when you are in the thick of it, especially if your partner is not open to discussion.

OP I’m sure your partner doesn’t blank people or storm off if they raise issues with her at work so I suspect the behaviour is completely under her control and she is being manipulative.