I feel I should be as important as football...

[winteryblues]

I've name changed, I am a regular poster but not posted about anything like this before.

My partner and I see one another every couple of weeks. Sometimes more if we take AL but our shift patterns clash and this is what has worked so far. We live in different counties, 2 -3 hours apart.

Partner has just got back into playing football after a long hiatus due to her work pattern clashing with football practice times. Things have changed meaning she can now play on a Sunday.

Previously, when she visited me she'd arrive on a Friday evening and go home on a Sunday afternoon. I like a lie in of a Sunday (we're both mid-forties, no children to worry about now) but she'd often lie in until very late, sometimes mid-afternoon until she had just enough time to get up, shower and leave.

I didn't used to like this, I'd have liked to have spent the day together, gone for a walk, for lunch, hell even just slob around and watch the TV together-something! Before she left but it wasn't a massive big deal.

Anyway since this football thing has come about she'll be up with the lark and leave, often just kissing me goodbye if I'm still dozing or with a swift 'Bye then!' if I am already up.

She used to say of the Sundays spent in bed that she struggled to get up, she's always liked to sleep in, she was just really tired etc and I was understanding about that. Sometimes more so because we were prone to going out for a drink and/or staying up late the night before so I did understand wanting a lie in, but now football is involved she's suddenly a ball of energy and full of it and raring to go?

As we don't' see one another often I just feel a bit upset about this.

I may need some perspective. I've only ever had crappy relationships, I've never felt important or loved or appreciated and I could be skewed in how I am looking at this.

Last weekend she left while I was still asleep although I did stir as she left and sort of remember it. I woke properly shortly afterwards and just felt really bereft and like I was nothing.

I must clarify, this really isn't about the football per se. I knew she missed playing and I was and am really happy for her that she's doing something she loves again, it really isn't that-and Id never ask her to choose me or her hobby.

There are other issues too, but this has been playing on my mind and I would like some outside perspectives on it please.

I did it, so I know it's do-able. That's why I'm advising OP to do it. You've never had a bad relationship because you were taught to walk away from poor treatment, so, with respect, you have no experience of this and don't know what you're talking about, as you've admitted ('Not that I'd know').

'Common sense' isn't how emotions work; that, you must know. Often the reason people stay in poor relationships is because the example set to them by their parents was that if your relationship is shit, you stay. It's conditioning. And yes, it can be hard to break, but the assumptions that OP can't do this on her own with a bit of advice from kind hearted people and a bit of reading, and that she needs tonnes of counselling are not necessarily correct. If she's never questioned her conditioning, she might be able to understand what she's been doing wrong quite quickly, and realise that she's not 'faulty', but that she has simply been repeating the same mistake that she's repeating once again, now.

For somebody who's saying 'Not that I'd know', you certainly do seem to be very clear on exactly how this all works. Why is that? Why, if you're talking about a subject you don't have experience on, would you tell someone they need 'loads of counselling'? It's just a daunting and unpleasant thing to say.

But as women, we shouldn't be encouraging it. We should be saying : don't stay, work on your self esteem: buy some self help books, get some counselling.

I don't think that women should be saying to other women 'Got a problem with your partner's shit behaviour? You need tonnes and tonnes of counselling!'

But you sound like you know best, so keep on issuing imperatives. I'm sure OP will read both our advice and take what she needs from it.

@Shoxfordian I hear you :(

@Whatwouldscullydo yes I agree. Long distance is fine in the beginning IMO but something should change before the relationship is this far in. I'd love to havea 'proper' relationship and live with someone and be loved. That's all I really want to be honest!

We're not really exhausted because her working week is only 3 days (12 hours per day) and I work in a shift pattern where I only do 2-3 days at once so It's alright in that respect.

No, it isn't working for me is it :(

@Justcallmebebes It's a bit complicated is that. I'd love to on one hand but, I went to watch her team play football when she very first began doing it about 6 weeks ago. I was really looking forward to it even though football isn't my thing, I like having a 'different' day out and I wanted to meet some of her friends and just have a nice time. We watched the match and then went to the pub for drinks. She was awful to me all day. I tried talking to her several times and she told me she didn't want to talk about us when I asked something about that, fair enough but the way she snapped at me, and she gave me a look of total hatred and said it in such a nasty tone that I was worried, I'd never heard her be so nasty before.

And then I tried a lighthearted subject about one of my friends and something funny they'd done, sometime later (related with what the group were talking about) and got something like 'I don't want to talk about that/why do you always talk about things like that?!' as a response. I felt myself looking shocked and I said 'well, if I didn't make conversation you'd likely not talk to me at all?' She turned her back to me at one point and said 'I'm not ignoring you but I want to talk to these lot' and then some time soon after disappeared and played pool for over an hour.

I kept it together and just spoke to her friends, It's hard to explain but she was very horrible each time she addressed me and ignored me totally the rest of the time. It was very upsetting after being so happy for her to be doing what she loved again, and so looking forward to being a part of it. Two of her friends even asked me if I was okay and where she was.

I am sociable and happy to talk to anyone generally. I'm the sort who'll take themselves off out to the cinema/pub/gym alone, I like meeting new people, I don't need her glued to my side. But she was so rude and I just felt like I was nothing :( and a spare part or just a pest by being there. She invited me! I actually get upset at the thought of putting myself through that again.

@Oblomov22
you're right that my self worth is low, because this relationship has been difficult. However 'no-one stays in abusive relationships' is a very ignorant thing to say. Plenty of people do for a myriad of reasons. Counsellors would probably be far fewer and not anywhere near as much needed if getting a great relationship was the norm, and leaving a bad one was easy.

@Namechangeforthe a few of my friends have mentioned manipulation. My ex was
a master manipulator but very typical of one and I did know it, I really didn't see it in my current one, she's generally regarded as so soft (her friends take the mick out of her for how sweet and nice she is even) and just lovely. It's very weird to contemplate it, but I admit that I am now.

@Watchkeys thank you for your input, I appreciate it a lot. And I do agree on the last part about 'not that I'd know'. I've had this conversation previously and about many people, not me! People who were brought up without trauma and who've never had toxic relations from parents and/or loved ones really often don't 'get' it. I do appreciate all input and I am being kind to myself about it all.

Quick update to say she's asked me to attend football with her again this weekend. I am unsure after last time. She's also said she wants to talk to me about something later on today, I've a feeling it may be to break up.

She probably wouldn’t have invited you if she planned to break up with you later- doesn’t sound like it’d be the worst thing for you though tbh

After how she treated you last time, I don’t know why you would consider going again with her anyway

I'm definitely not going again! She asked and then told me some of her friends have asked how I'm doing and if I'll come and watch them again. I felt like saying 'well tell them why I won't!'.

I've not spoken to her properly yet.